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Caught my husband out he has been seeing someone else.

(441 Posts)
Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 09:41:50

Name change for me as i am so devastated. Hes on a business trip at the moment but was sent random texts between her and himfor the prior 48 hours which somehow i think maybe because if icloud landed on my ipad including a naked phot of herself which she had sent him. He replied shes a 10/10 and perfect - shes a good 10 years younger than me. They were planning to meet in a restaurant and go on to a hotel room. The last year I have suffered from breast cancer and had various operations and i know that it all strted in December when i was just bck from hospital after my fourth operation. He knows I know and is getting a flight home this morning. I hardly slept last night and am holding it together for the kids. I have though in a fierce rage cut up numerous suits ties and shirts. From the conversations we have had he is blaming the cancer as having affected him. I have done my best to make him happy we do have a sex life but my body and breasts are scarred from all the operations including a mastectomy and reconstruction. I felt i had turned a corner with the cancer which was only diagnosed last July - his fling with her started in December - he assures me it was just kissing but i know they had a hotel room lined up. Sorrybfor the rambling - he gets back at luchtime - what shall i do ?

TheOrchardKeeper Thu 21-Mar-13 10:26:58

the man is not worth a tenth of you.

You've been through something horrific and however you may look, you're a survivor & your body is just a reflection of that. You deserve so much better than that.

Also, it's less likely to be down to looks...more likely to be down to a flaw in him & his ability to keep it in his trousers, whoever it is that's caught his eye thanks

You're doing great, just take it easy & take each day as it comes.

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 10:28:53

He blames the fact that he has just turned 40 and is losing his hair and is having a crisis. I have been trying to do my best sexually but can only face it once a week. My right reconstructed breast still hurts and I am concerned that they might have to another op. I have to take these tablets called Tamoxifen which are giving me all srts of side effects. I am so hurt because he has been like a rock to me and now he is letting me down where i feel most vulnerable. We were supposed to go on hols this easter to get some sun and he k ows how anxious i am about my body by the pool and the there is this photo of this super slīm lady younger and perfect breasts .... I am just devastated even more so as i thought i was getting stronger mentally and physically and i need to be strong in the summer as all the tesing starts up again

gilly86 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:30:50

Oh what a prick.
Mid life crisis?! Have zero pity for him.

He sounds pathetic.

AngelinaCongleton Thu 21-Mar-13 10:31:19

This is a shocking betrayal. I think he needs to stay elsewhere and prove to you he deserves even common courtesy from you in future, never mind anything else. He is not the man you thought he was if he was prepared to risk hurting you like this. So sorry he's done this. You will get through it.

gilly86 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:32:58

You, on the other hand, sound amazing! So brave and awesome! You shouldn't have to be dealing with this crap from him as you have been through enough.
So who are you going to call this afternoon once he's collected his stuff and sloped off? Do you have ladies to call? Mum/sister/friends?? Xx

ScarletWomanoftheVillage Thu 21-Mar-13 10:33:53

Oh op, I'm so sorry, how very shocking for you. What a difficult time you've already had with the cancer, and now this. I hope he is shitting himself on the plane. angry

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 10:34:45

I cant believe that last december when i am barelybrecovering from my reconstruction yet still managing to look after our 2 kids that he is away at some fuckung client party abroad andndoing the dirty on me

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 10:38:19

Yes i have lots of supportive friends - less so close loal family. I have been through such a hard time sine July that i cannot believe there is even more anguish for me

TheOrchardKeeper Thu 21-Mar-13 10:38:23

I have been trying to do my best sexually but can only face it once a week. My right reconstructed breast still hurts and I am concerned that they might have to another op

That is disgusting.

I hope you know that plenty of people get over mid life crises without betraying their partners?

He'd say anything other than admit he did it because he wanted to & just didn't consider you to get out of it. If he was 20 he'd say it's because he's young, if he was the one having treatment he'd say it was the stress etc. I'd be more sad that he wasn't just admitting he cocked up, plain and simple, no excuses.

You'll need to be strong if you've got testing ahead and maybe he's not the rock you thought he was.

HerbyVore Thu 21-Mar-13 10:39:07

You poor love, he doesn't deserve you.

Have you got anyone you can call for moral support?

gilly86 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:41:17

Very very glad you have supportive friends smile

gilly86 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:42:12

Can I ask how long you have been with him? And how old are the kids? X

GeorgiePorgiePudding Thu 21-Mar-13 10:43:41

A mid life crisis? Is he actually serious? A mid life crisis? What the fuck does he think your breast cancer was if not a fucking crisis.

As others have said, this isn't about you and your body- this is about him and his ability to keep his fucking trousers on.

Are you still going to go on holiday with your kids? I hate to tell you what to do and obviously you may not feel like it but you really should. You should jet off with your kids and get your body out all over the place in the sun. You've beaten breast cancer so who gives a fuck if you've put on some pounds and your breasts aren't as great as they used to be- YOU'RE ALIVE and you've got everything to live for. My feeling is that most people are so obsessed with their own bodies around the pool that no-one actually cares how anyone else looks.

As others have also said, lock the door and don't let him in because he'll try to excuse and minimise what he's done and he might see a chance to talk you round.

PureQuintessence Thu 21-Mar-13 10:46:55

Midlife crisis? shock

I am gobsmacked at his selfish cruelty. Poor you. Kick him out for now,

TheOrchardKeeper Thu 21-Mar-13 10:47:24

Oh yes, what georgie said ^

If you're not sure anyway he will talk you round and then it'll be even harder.
You'll have trust issues to deal with that you shouldn't bloody have to during further testing, stress etc.

Would you not be stronger without that & with the support of friends and family, who you know are there unconditionally? Yes, it'll hurt & you'll miss how it was & how he was. But surely you deserve better & you'd be making these next few months harder they they need to be by letting him back in & trying to process his betrayal?

Hope you're ok thanks

chocoflump Thu 21-Mar-13 10:47:59

Not much to add other than to say you are worth so much more than this pathetic excuse for a man! This is the ultimate betrayal- I would be shocked if they hadn't actually slept together.

Don't let him treat you like this, he had his chance and he's fucked it up. He is entirely to blame. thanks

Halfling Thu 21-Mar-13 10:48:08

Inrealshock, you have been through a lot and I am so sorry to hear about how stupid and selfish your husband has been.

Whether or not you want to work on your marriage is your decision and can wait till you pull yourself together.

Now the ball is in your H's court. He has to show remorse, respect your space, move out if you want him to, answer every question you have...

If he takes steps to redeem himself, there is hope through counselling etc. If he continues to be a selfish wanker, hold your head up high and start planning a healthier, happier and stronger future without him.

TumbleWeeds Thu 21-Mar-13 10:52:02

What !?!? He is blaming you to have had cancer for his infidelity !

And then the fact he is getting 40yo and having a crisis.

And by the way you keep insisting on how much effort you've put into your sex life even though you didn't feel like it (and who can blame you after 4 surgeries!), he has been putting pressure on you to have sex anyway and then went out to have some somewhere else....

What a ***! What about the 'in health and in illness' bit of his vows....

wheredidiputit Thu 21-Mar-13 10:52:55

Do you have any friends who can come and be with you when he gets home so you are not alone.

None of this is your fault. It is all his choice to not support and love you he choose to go else where.

Do not let him bully you to discuss anything today. You need time to come to terms with what he has done to you.

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 10:53:25

So sorry for this, OP. It doesn't matter how hard life was for you and your family during your cancer, he has no excuse for doing this.

Your cancer, the stress, changed sex life - these are all just excuses when what he could do with more than anything is taking responsibility for what he chose to do.

Looks like I've got something similar going on in my marriage - but not as heartbreaking as your situation. Best wishes to you.

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 10:59:12

We have been together 13 years and have 2 kids aged 9 and 7. They are at school now.. I had to pretend that i was getting flu and feeling unwell so they would not be suspicious

TheOrchardKeeper Thu 21-Mar-13 11:01:05

Oh dear sad

That makes it worse. He threw such a meaningful amount of time away, and for what?

You truly deserve so much better inrealshock thanks

Gingerandcocoa Thu 21-Mar-13 11:01:09

If you are losing your hair, you buy a hat, get hair implants, a wig. You do not cheat on your wife!

There is absolutely no excuse for him, I actually feel pity for someone like that because he will come to his senses and see what a horrible, despicable thing he has done to you and your family.

gilly86 Thu 21-Mar-13 11:01:17

And what time will he get to your home today? Whilst the children are still at school I hope?

Inrealshock Thu 21-Mar-13 11:05:14

He gets home at 2

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