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My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

(747 Posts)
JoySchtick Wed 20-Mar-13 23:41:40

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

ShipwreckedAndComatose Thu 04-Apr-13 21:36:59


I know it will get better

onefewernow Thu 04-Apr-13 21:45:10


This is the grieving cycle. Some go through it, step by step. Some hi forwards through and back, Etc.

You will just go through these stages and maybe some parts simultaneously.

But you will get to acceptance. Unless he keeps you in denial, and you allow him.

I don't think you will, though.

skyebluesapphire Thu 04-Apr-13 22:16:28

Joy - I could have typed your last post myself this time last year. It is so unbelievable to think that the person you love so much, can hurt you so much and not give a damn. The trouble is, they have to act like that because if for one minute they thought about what they were doing they would realise what complete shits they actually are.

Grief is the price you pay for love. I am still trying to accept what my XH did to me, as him walking out was the last thing in a million years that I thought he would do.

It is so hard, I won't kid you, but the only thing that heals is time and in the meantime you have to ride the rollercoaster of emotions to get through it. In the meantime, everyone is here for you

JoySchtick Thu 04-Apr-13 23:09:44

You are all so kind.

It's just so, so strange to be utterly powerless in this situation. There is nothing I can do or say to sort things out. I find that really hard to accept.

I don't really have the heart to start building a new start. And it's hard to concentrate at work but it's hard to not just go over things when I'm not at work.

Sorry for moaning so much.

Midwife99 Thu 04-Apr-13 23:15:08

Hey Joy, these are really really early days! You're bound to be shocked & numb. Look after yourself & gather your strength & energy before you do anything. You will have a new start when you're ready.

rockinhippy Thu 04-Apr-13 23:34:52

Joy I've lurked up until now, you didn't sound as if you needed any input from me, you have lots f great advice & support & you sound so strong minded, even though I don't doubt you are finding it all over shelling, you really are doing amazing things & the toe rag really doesn't deserve you at all,you are ay too good for the lying manipulative scumbag smile

This line though. I had to reply to ...

I know I can be fine on my own but it wasn't really what I wanted. I wanted to have a family but it will be too late for me now as 40 is not far off for me. That really hurts a lot. Ouch

I was in pretty much exactly your shoes at the same age, though not FaceBook related & not married, but my ex fiancee married the woman he "wasn't" having an affair with less than 3 months after I kicked him out - still stalked me for months though hmm he was a narc too, never could see anything wrong with what he did, it was all me, it took my getting away from him to really open my eyes & see things for what they were, he was EA, but so subtle & manipulative with it that I was left feeling it was me loosing the plot, counselling soon put me straight on that point.

I digress - at 39.5 I was childless & suffering the fall out & more of a 7 year EA relationship to a man who I realised I had never really known at all & I knew I could never trust a man again - by 41 I was marrying a good friend of over 20 yrs whom I knew to be a wonderful trustworthy genuine man & ai had lost touch with him with many more due to EA ex wiping & blocking calls - DD was born later that year & I've never looked back - DH was someone I'd always had a soft spot for & many years later he is still my soul mate & best friend - exF I realised was my settling for seconds & selling myself short due to a difficult relationship with a narcissist DM

It doesn't have to be the end of those dreams for you either, its the beginning of a better life without the stress this man has brought you

LondonNinja Thu 04-Apr-13 23:36:30

One day at a time.

You sound utterly sad but imagine if you stay and really waste your precious life with someone who treats you this way? It's not an option. You're not too old for motherhood btw.

Onwards and upwards.

Midwife99 Thu 04-Apr-13 23:36:47

That's great rockin!! smile

LondonNinja Thu 04-Apr-13 23:42:01

Rockinhippy - fantastic outcome. See, Joy, it can be done. Set yourself free.

whethergirl Fri 05-Apr-13 00:39:09

Just wanted to say, really feeling your pain Joy sad. I know what you mean about wanting a hug from H, I felt the same, when I found out my ex was cheating I actually wanted to go to him to be comforted! But you feel like that because you haven't quite adjusted to the situation yet, it will take a while, you'll have your shit days but you will get days when it feels like things are getting better.

And with him carrying on like nothings happened, it's isolating I know, I had similar from my ex, and I would think, shall I pretend it never happened? And then I won't lose anything?

But it's not really a valid option, is it. There is nothing there to lose. I was pregnant at the time and desperate to hold on to him...until I realised the 'him' I was referring to wasn't the real him at all.

He did this, he ruined things, it's out of your control. Please remember that when he starts blaming you for wrecking your marriage (so textbook...yawn).

8 years later, I can not actually believe I was with him, or that I put up with his shit for any longer than I did. He means nothing to me, nothing. Yet I thought he was my soul mate.

You are feeling scared and that's natural, because the way you imagined your future has been vandalised. But it doesn't mean you don't have a future. Just a different one, and definitely one that is better than spending your life with someone who is incapeable of really loving you. You sound like an amazing woman - courageous, thoughtful, intelligent, funny and kind. And I am a little bit excited for you, because I know that when you get through this, you will have a life to look forward to, and who knows what that will hold!

onefewernow Fri 05-Apr-13 00:54:08

You really will. And sadly you will come to see that the infidelity is a small offender, compared to the general behaviour around it and after it.

onefewernow Fri 05-Apr-13 00:54:26


Bogeyface Fri 05-Apr-13 01:22:52

I remember posting when I found out about my husbands affair throughout my PG (my baby was 5 weeks old when I found out) was that the one person I wanted to talk to, the one person who could give me a cuddle and comfort me was the person who had hurt me so much.

It was so hard, getting my head around the idea that my best friend who I confided in and who I would always turn to was the one person who I couldnt turn to.

It is hard but it passes fairly quickly. When I was alone I missed him and wanted him there to comfort me, the I saw him, remembered it was him that made me need that comfort and suddenly I didnt want him anymore. It will pass.

mathanxiety Fri 05-Apr-13 02:25:45

Joy you don't have the heart right this minute to start rebuilding away from him but that is because you have in the course of about a week had a train run over you and then turn around and come back and do it all over again.

In a while, when you have caught your breath, you will feel stronger.

Doinmummy Fri 05-Apr-13 20:56:25

Hi Joy( delurking ) I've read nearly all the posts and want to add my support and say it does get better, it takes time though.

I wonder if Mr OW has got his suspicions , I fail to see how GB/OW can be acting normally at home with this going on. I'll bet he wouldn't be that surprised if he heard from you.

JoySchtick Fri 05-Apr-13 21:21:39

Thank you all. I've been re-reading your posts and they really help.

I'm feeling a bit better, calmer anyway.

It's like me and a big part of my life have been blown apart and all the little fragments are floating back into place in slow motion. It's very painful and unnerving.

perfectstorm Fri 05-Apr-13 21:45:33

You aren't moaning at all, you're coping with something horrible, and enormous. This is exactly what MN is for.

This is the worst part. It honestly, truly will get better from here. You just have to keep going and hanging on in there - and you are NOT, in any way whatsoever, to blame for any of it. He is. His choices are.

skyebluesapphire Fri 05-Apr-13 23:49:31

some good recent posts there from bogeyface, whethergirl, rockinhippy. I always said to XH that even when you are pissed off with the one you love, you still want them to put their arms around you because they are the only person who can make you feel better. I said that before we split up. After he walked out, that was still how I felt, that only him could stop the pain, except he was the one causing it.

When he was still coming in the house and seeing DD, he was giving me a hug every time he left. One day that hug turned into a kiss, initiated by him, only to be followed by a text later saying that he didnt like to see me upset and didnt mean to do it hmm.

Don't let the man fuck with your head like I let my XH fuck with mine.

you are still doing so well

mathanxiety Sat 06-Apr-13 04:09:33

Joy, there is grieving ahead. No avoiding it.


jynier Sat 06-Apr-13 04:29:21

Joy - so very, very sorry; don't have any advice apart from try and take care of yourself through all the sorrow and heartbreak.

Sending so many best wishes! x

skyebluesapphire Sat 06-Apr-13 23:28:24

hope you are doing OK Joy

TDada Sun 07-Apr-13 07:35:57

Joy- it makes cross sad reading this thread. It's his response to be caught more than anything else that makes me cross. He has a DW who sounds balanced and willing to talk things through but he responds with aggression, denial and insensitivity. And he is messing with your precious years. Hugs

JoySchtick Sun 07-Apr-13 16:46:49

I’m feeling steadier. I’ve been burying myself in work, which has been a help.

It really, really frustrates me that H has dropped all this on my lap (or head) and feeling floored and upset about what he has done is stopping me being able to give my energy to my own life. I’m sure you are all right about the distress passing in time, once I’ve had a chance to get my breath back.

I had a go at H about everything the other night. It didn’t really achieve much but it did make me feel better.

It’s all very well being dignified but I also wanted to let him know that he had really hurt me and that I was shocked by his lack of respect or remorse.

I asked him if he was ashamed and he said he was. He insisted that he had already sent me a message telling me this but in fact his message ( which I haven’t posted on here) was just entirely self-justifying / blaming. I also told him that I was glad he’d found XX as she was about his level blush.

whethergirl I think you suggested upthread that I should use the infamous pens to write ‘I know’ and show it to H. That made me smile.
H has now taken back the pens at my suggestion, I explained that I had no use for them as I can’t write with fountain pens .

perfectstorm Sun 07-Apr-13 21:04:40

A comedian had a go at another about rape jokes, and he made a very incisive rebuttal to the "taking offence" argument (the quote you gave earlier was Stephen Fry, talking about people taking offence about trivia - totally inappropriate for obvious reasons). He said:

Offended hasn’t got anything to do with it, moron.

People have wounds, and those wounds are painful. That doesn’t have shit to do with the weak concept of “taking offense.” If someone talks about Texas being a shitty state, I might “take offense” at that. Fine, whatever. All of us who like comedy are generally in agreement with the idea that “taking offense” is lame, and a comedian should be willing to “offend” whenever he or she wants to.

But causing pain is quite a different fucking matter. And if you don’t get that, you are a fucking bully, and I’ve got zero time for bullies.”

I think all of us will agree that causing that pain, then thinking it's okay to jab and sneer at the person you're hurting, is taking bullying into a whole new realm.

You've been hurt, and then when you showed your reasonable, justified and rational distress, you were bullied. I'm glad you yelled at him. I'm just very sorry his personal inadequacy is so immense that he is still refusing to face his personal responsibility for being such a snivelling, pathetic and thoroughly nasty excuse of a man.

Hang on in there. This too shall pass, and you've been tremendously dignified and courageous throughout. Which at least makes one of you.

whethergirl Sun 07-Apr-13 22:44:43

If it had been a pack of biros, I would have said keep them, at least they'd come in useful, but a wanky set of fountain pens - and who can write with them - is as useless as the current owner.

You need lots of TLC JoySchtick, your mind, body & spirit are totally drained. You will get your spring back in your step one day, but meanwhile be kind to yourself, it really does help, showing yourself the love and respect you deserve. Spa days, being near to nature, allowing yourself to take a day off work if you need to...basically, this is the time you put yourself first.

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