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My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

(747 Posts)
JoySchtick Wed 20-Mar-13 23:41:40

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

Naysa Wed 20-Mar-13 23:51:57

If I was you I'd screen print these but don't tell him you know. That way if he tries to delete you have proof. Email them to yourself/print them an dhide them and make sure he can find them.

I'd keep an eye on his fb and see if it goes further. If it did I would be getting screen prints of everything and then I'd be getting my affairs in order to leave.

Good luck.

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 00:12:39

Yes, that makes sense, but it seems really strange to me to just carry on as normal and put on a 'game face' when I know he's flirting away from home.

I'm basically just sitting back and waiting for him to start an affair. That seems a really odd thing to do to me.

Screen grabs are a must though.

Anyone else discovered the green shoots of an affair? What did you do?

Madlizzy Thu 21-Mar-13 00:22:16

I'm not one to sit and wait. I'd want to know what's going on right now, and why he's doing this. If you can nip this in the bud, you may be able to continue your relationship, providing he's honest and repentant. If not, then kick him to the kerb.

tallwivglasses Thu 21-Mar-13 00:24:04

I admire women who can carry on as if nothing was going on when it blatently is. How do they do it? How do they share a joke, have sex, make plans knowing that something's not right?

Maybe you should tell him that you're not stupid, you know something's going on and he needs to come clean Right Now. You could put it down to enhanced feminine intuition if you don't want to confess to snooping (but get those screen shots). What caused the inkling that something wasn't right? How do you think he'd react?

Boosterseat Thu 21-Mar-13 00:26:49

No experience but lots of sympathy

Does he have any previous form you are aware of? Do you know why he and his DCs mother broke up?

Please try toremember the ball is firmly in your court at the moment.

Knowledge is power.

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 01:01:14

Exactly Tall - how do, you know, have a normal relationship with someone when you are lying to them? it's obviously possible, cheaters do it!

I snooped because he'd become very attached to his phone.

I will get screenshots and definitely won't say anything until after that. I need to get an opportunity to do that though.

Booster thanks for sympathy. will answer other questions in morning. very low battery.

sleep tight.

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 07:26:41

Aagh! Went online to try to take screenshots. There was an unread message from OW (Or Whatever she is). I have just seen that DH is on Facebook on his phone.

How am I going to get a copy of all their messages if they are always on there 24/7 flirting the pants off each other?

Also if I log on as him then it will show up on chat - unless I turn it off but that seems problematic.

I just want to get a copy / screenshot before he has a chance to delete.

Tall - how do I think he will react if I ask him if something is going on? I think he will deny, minimise and blame me.

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 07:55:43

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I have a horrible feeling I'm going to need MNers. Too miserable now to find out how to do the sad face, but that is me, sad face.

I've copied some of the messages. It's not all of them, it said there were around 200 but it was quite fiddly to load all of the old ones and I didn't think I had much time so just grabbed what I could.

It's not great; there's a fair bit of sex fantasy stuff, and sweet little good night messages from my DH. He can be so sweet, that's what's so horrible, seeing him giving all that nice part of himself to someone else when he hasn't really been sharing it with me for a while.

It definitely hasn't gone further than messages, although DH has recently suggested meeting up. That suggestion was in the messages I read but didn't copy as I was in a panic not to get caught out.

I doon't want to have to deal with all this rubbish now. I've had a really, really tough last few years and have only in the last few months really felt able to get on with life and enjoy it.

I'm fed up with people not being honest and decent and just trustworthy.

AgathaF Thu 21-Mar-13 08:10:39

Just tell him you know he is having a flirty relationship with another woman (but not how you know), and what does he intend doing about it?

Hopefully, it will burst the bubble, he will realise what a prick he has been and do the right thing/s. If not, well, at least you know where you stand.

It must be almost impossible to carry on as normal and see where things go once you know what is happening.

Distrustinggirlnow Thu 21-Mar-13 09:04:54

So sorry to read you're going through this OP

For me, the conversation went something like this....

" I want you to tell me who xxx is. If you lie to me then I am taking the DC and I am going. "

I then said something about being very certain that that was what I would do. I was then quiet. It was hard but you must stay quiet. There is a huge temptation to speak in the ensuing silence that will undoubtedly come as he computes what you have just said and is trying to frantically come up with a plausible excuse reason.

I was extremely calm, no tantrums and tears, just me speaking in a very low calm voice.

I still didn't get the whole truth mind you, I dug a bit more to discover that blush

Do you think he's been emailing her too or does it just look like FB?

Is he at work now? Can u get on there again now? Is the OW someone that you or he already know?

Will sit down with a brew and chat if you would like.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Thu 21-Mar-13 09:08:53

I'd be very tempted to let them arrange a meet up and turn up to it.

Saying that though, I really don't think I could hold my tongue and would have it out with him. I would be asking him to have the good grace to finish this relationship with me before starting his next one!

SouthernComforts Thu 21-Mar-13 09:23:20

Do you know who the OW is? Is it a work colleague or family friend?

I'm quite passive aggressive in situations like this. If you don't want to confront him outright maybe a conversation such as

"oh, guess what, I bumped into [insert person dh dosent know/old school friend] today, she's just left her husband, apparently he was having an affair and chatting women up all over Facebook and she found all the messages! How disgusting is that? What a bastard!"

Watch his reaction.

*I never post advice on relationships so feel free to completely ignore me

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 10:29:51

Feel fortified after a bath and a cup of tea. Just for the record I have NCed for this thread.

grin Sissy at three-way meet up idea. I'm not sure I have the icy nerve to pull that off. I found it very nerve-wracking going on his Facebook, although I think I did quite well at it. My grounding in the Nancy Drew books came in handy, but I was a very nervous Nancy.

I think all their contact is Facebook and possibly text. The conversation I saw included discussion of how to cover their tracks - him advising her how to do it. He is quite the gentleman. [ironic face]

They know each other from work, way back. I don't think they kept in touch but met again at a re-union a few weeks back.

She has DCs, mentioned in their chat, and I'm guessing she has a partner if she is being so careful about not getting caught out. Not sure where she lives but I think it is probably not too far from us.

I'm pretty certain that no affair was involved in the break up of DH's previous marriage. He did mention once that his ex-DW filed on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, presumably if adultery had been an option it would have been on that instead.

I like what you said to your OH Distrusting - Chat very welcome.

DH and I have only been married a couple of years. I moved out of my home and into his and the thought of having to disrupt my whole life again because of him really annoys me, so I don't know how serious I could be about leaving - for the moment anyway.

The thing that I fear is that I will bring up the matter - either directly or indirectly - and he will then lie to me and carry on lying to me by continuing things with her. I just cannot have that. My family lied to me about one big massive thing - I mean my DM and DF - and the dust has only just settled on that after the secret came out.

Being played for a fool is just something I simply cannot tolerate.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 21-Mar-13 10:36:29

So he is advising her how to cover her tracks?

So he's not inexperienced in this then?

May I ask what you're waiting for? What do you want? Do you want to stay with him? If you don't, then do you feel you need more of a reason to leave than him planning how to betray you? Because you don't.

If, otoh, you want to stay with him, you just don't want him to have sex with her and go into the affair he is trying to plan to have, then it's probably best to let him know now that you know.

It's always easy to tell someone else how to proceed and I am aware that it's not my life and that it is bloody easy to sit outside something and be all feisty and take no crap but not so easy when you're in the middle of it and it's your life and your emotions, and there's a hefty dose of 'do as I say not as I do' as well! but I really wish that you would just say I know, and screw you, I'm worth more than this. Fuck off to her if she's who you want.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 21-Mar-13 10:55:28

You need to confront him. If he lies, then you ask him to leave. Without trust and honesty there is no relationship.

You do not have to stay with a liar and cheat.

He has form for this I would think given that he has advised OW on covering her tracks and I would get tested for STIs.

BTW just because his ex divorced him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, it doesn't mean he didn't have an affair. Many solicitors advise not to go for adultery as grounds unless you have 100% proof.

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 11:13:42

I may very well be wrong about him having form on this - but it is my feeling that he has not made a habit of being unfaithful. As for advising her on covering tracks I saw that he had done an online search on this messages / privacy etc. That was before I found the messages, and one of the reasons I went looking for them.

It doesn't actually matter that much to me whether he has done this kind of thing before or not. I may never know. The point is he's doing it now, behind my back, and that's what counts.

Hecsy I'm glad you said that planning how to betray me is enough. I'm not sure whether I do want to leave him or if I want to try to sort things out, but it's good to have someone else confirm that this is just wrong.

That's just it MadAboutHC, without trust and honesty there is no relationship. Without honesty all you are doing is relating to the shadow puppet which they let you see, not the real person. It is a waste of time and I will not have my time wasted in that way.

I guess I do want to continue our relationship, but my big fear is that he will carry on going behind my back in some way.

Ideally I'd like to give him a massive, massive shock so that he is in no doubt how seriously I take this.

It's his house, so would it be wrong to ask him to go and stay somewhere else for a few days while I consider what to do?

PureQuintessence Thu 21-Mar-13 11:26:24

How can you give him a massive shock regards to how seriously you are taking it? You are not taking it seriously! You are merely annoyed!

Your husband is embarking on a romance with a woman who is married and has children. And you just think it is an inconvenience and wont put up with any lying? shock
He is advising her on how to cover her tracks so they wont be discovered? He is clearly planning this deceit for the long term.

You dont know that adultery was not a reason for his previous marriage breakdown, you just know his ex cited unreasonably behaviour. Infidelity is pretty unreasonable, and she might have done it to ensure he did not contest it, and because she wanted it over and done with quickly.

How well do you actually know him?

Distrustinggirlnow Thu 21-Mar-13 12:08:27

There is nothing wrong in you wanting to continue your relationship with him. However, for things to move forward there have to be some changes.

You have to tell him you know. Then, depending on what he says, ask him what he wants. If he says you then he must tell the ow that you know. He must tell the ow that there will be no more contact. He must delete all messages, (make sure u have screen shots) and he must have total transparency with his phone, emails etc.

When he speaks to her the phone has to be on speaker so u can hear every word.

He then has to answer your questions honestly, time after time after time..... And at the same time check back into u and your relationship.

But if he's flippant, or gets angry with you or blames you in any way then my advice would be to tell him to fuck off. Because u deserve better than what u have at present. We all do thanks

oscarwilde Thu 21-Mar-13 12:19:00

I know someone in your position exactly. She confronted her husband, messaged the most recent OW (he's been flirting with tons of women)telling her to do one, and confirming that no actual sex had take place and they have been to relationship counselling as she is desperate to make their relationship work and partially blamed herself for being a cow around the time that it started.
I couldn't do it. Her H travels extensively for work and I would spend my entire time wondering what he was up to. Yes he is very contrite now and their counselling has improved their relationship [he's still a financially controlling git in my view] but a few years from now when she is home with small DC's, has given up her job and security then in my view she will spend her time while he is away stressing about it. Not worth it imo.

Madlizzy Thu 21-Mar-13 12:54:09

My husband did this, it didn't come to fruition and we're still very much together. He's just had to put up with me checking on him a LOT over the years.

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 14:42:31

Some food for thought in all your posts.

I need to confront him, there's no doubt about that. I need to get prepared in my mind as to how I will do it and what I will say. I'm terrified of doing it. I'm fairly sure that I will cry and find it hard to get the words out.

I feel sick now and have hardly been able to eat except for chocolate.

I want to figure out what I am going to say and have some options for responses depending on what he says. That will help me find the courage to do it.

Distrust do you mean that I should tell him I know and then if he is honest and contrite ask him what there and then what he wants and then immediately make him do the phone call to OW?

Oscar and Lizzie the trust thing is a huge concern. I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying and I don't want to keep checking up on him. I understand that it is necessary and Lizzie I'm really glad it has worked out ok for you. But if a man doesn't know from his own morals and values that it is destructive to have flirty secrets then I'm not sure I can or want to have a relationship with him. So there is now a big question mark hanging over DH as far as I am concerned. I imagine you had to find an answer to that question mark in your own case, Lizzie. Did it happen straightaway or did you need to mull it over?

JoySchtick Thu 21-Mar-13 14:43:43

Sorry Lizzy misspelt you.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 21-Mar-13 14:50:01

But if a man doesn't know from his own morals and values that it is destructive to have flirty secrets then I'm not sure I can or want to have a relationship with him.

I totally agree.

He needs to look at his boundaries, flaws and values to address why he chose to behave in this way. Until he does this, the risk of cheating again is high.

AgathaF Thu 21-Mar-13 18:33:46

I don't think you should make him call the OW. I think he should want to do that, and do it, because he has had a massive wake up call and realises how awful he has been. Everything that he does to try to make things right should, I think, come from him.

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