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wwyd - man with a past

(88 Posts)
chocolatecakeystuff Wed 20-Mar-13 21:39:41

I've been 'getting to know' a guy, I met about w month ago.
From the get go I was instantly attracted to him. He was nice, we get on really well & have a great time.

We agreed to go on a date, although haven't actually been yet (both been busy) we have seen each other nearly every day since we met.

However, village life being village life word got around I was spending time with him. My ex pulled one of my friends aside and told them it would all end in tears...

Que this new guy telling me he has a bit of a 'past' long story short, there was an incident with an ex 3 years ago, where the police were involved. She hit him, he hit her back.

Talking to my ex... this guy also has some issues with sex (he's not really into it because he thinks he's rubbish in bed) but I'm not overly worried about that, can be easily solved.

My friends that know this guy, have said its in the past & not toworry about it. My friends that don't know him say to steer well clear.

I really do genuinly like this guy.... but having been violent on this occasion in the past.... should I just steer clear completly, I've never experienced this kind of thing before so I'm not sure what to do?

Can men change? He seemed to genuinly regret what happened... but who knows?

PureQuintessence Thu 21-Mar-13 09:49:32

Dont slag off village life too much! Without it you would not know that your new love interest is crap in bed and pulls a punch or two! You would have thought he was a prince among men. Not this guy that people remember for calling the police on, when he had a bawl with his ex!

You should stay well clear. There will be other men!

arsenaltilidie Thu 21-Mar-13 10:08:41

40% of DV victims are men, Police rarely arrest the woman unless they are almost certain she instigated it AND needs to be removed from the situation.
If police arrested the GF then you can be certain she was the instigator.
Plus he has scars and people that know him say he is a good egg. and he has had other relationships after the incident so I wouldn't worry about the violence.

As for the sex, he may have been told he is shite by his ex. So it's entirely up to you how YOU want to proceed.

PureQuintessence Thu 21-Mar-13 10:43:48

I accept that my take on this may be totally wrong.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 21-Mar-13 11:00:39

It is possible that this man was a victim of DV rather than a perpetrator, if it's true that it was his partner who was arrested on both occasions rather than him.
Mind you, it's also possible that he is one of those emotional abuser types who gets his kicks from goading a woman into violence so he can play the martyr.

He does sound rather more trouble than he's worth, OP.

Crocodilio Thu 21-Mar-13 11:47:08

40% of DV victims are male? Surely this can't be true?

LemonPeculiarJones Thu 21-Mar-13 11:53:04

'In 2000, 1,247 women were killed by an intimate partner, while 440 men were killed by an intimate partner( Rennison, 2003). A more recent BJS study suggests that 33% of female victims compared to 4% of male victims were killed by an intimate partner.'

From here

Also -

'According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, which measured only physical assaults, "there were 691,710 nonfatal violent victimizations committed by current or former spouses, boyfriends, or girlfriends of the victims during 2001(Rennison, 2003). Of these, 85% were against women(Rennison, 2003).'

TheCatIsUpTheDuff Thu 21-Mar-13 15:25:57

So it's known that she assaulted him on two separate occasions - once when she caused the scars and once when he hit her back and she was arrested and he wasn't. Have I got that right?

To say that he's too much like hard work for having been the victim of violence seems unfair. My suggestion would be to try it, but tread carefully and keep your eyes open wide for any red flags. There have been good threads on here in the past about what might constitute a red flag.

arsenaltilidie Thu 21-Mar-13 16:28:43

Not all DV victims get killed, and evidentially they fight back when it becomes a life and death situation of which women aren't able to because she may physically weaker.

Reading this thread just goes on to show how difficult it is for male victims to come forward.
I'm using my phone but google is your mate for evidence.

When it comes to DV police know what they are doing, they would not arrest the wrong person.
As the above poster motioned, thread carefully to be sure. But given the police and everyone that knew them say she was the instigator; I'm sure he is not a violent person.

EggyFucker Thu 21-Mar-13 16:39:10

You owe him nothing

Keep away, there are plenty of blokes in this world who don't ping the radar

Why bother? you have enough on your plate

It's not up to you to give him a chance because he may have been unfairly painted as a violent man and shit in the sack

None of your concern

RooneyMara Thu 21-Mar-13 16:56:43

I have heard TOO many times a man say that he was the victim of violence from a previous partner

and it turn out to be completely bloody untrue

I'd walk fast in the other direction OP

LemonPeculiarJones Thu 21-Mar-13 19:45:58

arsen OP can't be sure though, she's heard enough to raise big questions about whether to get into a relationship with him or not.

Google is indeed our friend smile - the second quote in my previous post outlines percentages on physical assault. I've seen the article you mentioned. Seems there is conflicting information, but when I was researching, that guardian article was kind of drowned out by countless other studies suggesting that the difference in % is much wider (with more women being victims). But I am sure it is extremely hard for men to come forward and violence should never be condoned whoever is the perpetrator/victim (apart from self-defence in some cases).

Agree with Eggy - OP can't conclusively know this man is or isn't violent/rubbish in bed right now. But why pursue a relationship with someone who is setting off alarm bells?

FarBetterNow Thu 21-Mar-13 20:22:02

Life is unfair and often hard.
Everyone has crap in their lives and if they haven't now, they will have or have had.
The seemingly 'happy' families with plenty of money and no worries - well, that is often a just a charade.

I'm with the majority here - steer clear.

delilahlilah Thu 21-Mar-13 20:38:59

I live in 'a village in the country' and know the perils of gossip and rumour only too well. I think he is being judged on hearsay. People who know him don't slag him off but your ex, his ex and people who don't know him advise against him???
Maybe he deserves someone who actually waits for the facts and judges him on who he is. Has he ever done anything to make you worry? All the people here quoting statistics and telling you to run, are jumping to giant conclusions. I can't believe you let your ex talk about this poor man's sex life to you.... He wasn't arrested, she was. Speaks volumes.
Sorry but you need to think for yourself and base everything on facts. Your ex seems to have toomuch influence / interest in this... and following you to town? It's your ex I'd be worried about, not the current man.

chocolatecakeystuff Thu 21-Mar-13 20:52:01

Thank you delilah, the reasons you've mentioned are exactly why I posted on here, because I wanted to hear what peole 'outside the village' think

Personally I do really like him, but I've never been in this situation before so I'm confused what to think. Ulimatly I'm going to remain friends with him regardless of if things do go further or not.

Really not interested in what my ex has to say about him in the sack... especially as let's be honest he was no god in the bedroom himself. And he knows it. Just another factor in the equasion iyswim?

I have spoken to this guys more recent ex. There was no voilence (but no sex either) the ex in question with the violence had similar problems with a more recent partner.

delilahlilah Thu 21-Mar-13 22:06:34

Well it sounds like she is the common denominator then, and he should get a break from the gossip mongers. Mud sticks, and it really pisses me off when it isn't deserved. I think he is getting an unreasonably hard time, purely because he is a man. The violent ex is more than likely the one who has caused his issues in the sack.
Reverse this for a minute - think of him as the female and her as the male.... and all the threads about abusive partners and the psychological damage they do. If she was emotionally abusive as well, telling him he was shit in bed, nobody else would want him - all the classics we hear from abusers, then would it really be any wonder that it wasn't just physical scars he had? He needs time, emotional support and the trust that his problems will not be the source of village gossip.
Personally I would give him a chance. If you do, you need to stop your ex when he begins to talk about him and tell him it is inappropriate to discuss it with him. Don't get drawn in to it.

EggyFucker Thu 21-Mar-13 22:11:04

Delilah, I really hope your "advice" doesn't encourage OP to take on far more than she can chew

It isn't her responsibility to give this bloke "time, emotional support and trust" off the bat

In a long term relationship, maybe, if all that was reciprocated

But this bloke is waving red flags like crazy....and you think she should give him a chance ?

God Save us from men who need rescuing, and the deluded women that insist on trying < sigh >

delilahlilah Thu 21-Mar-13 22:14:38

I didn't say she should give it, just that he needed it. He hasn't waved flags, he's been a victim. If this post was reversed, and a man was saying his new gf may have a dv history but it may have been her ex as he put her in hospital, gave her scars and got arrested you would all be up in arms that it was ridiculous that he judge her, she was a victim. Honestly the hypocrisy and assumptions are amazing.

EggyFucker Thu 21-Mar-13 22:19:18

You say he needs it, OP is teetering on giving it. I think your message is very clear.

Man "in need" takes priority. As it ever is, for some women. When will we learn ?

delilahlilah Thu 21-Mar-13 22:25:04

What exactly has he done wrong Eggy? Absolutely nothing that you have proof of..... Quite alright for women to be in need and get support from a man though I suppose. Just a bit sexist. He isn't taking priority over anything either - she either wishes to knock it on the head on the say so of gossips with their own agenda, or she wants to see how it goes and base her decisions on fact instead.
You sound like your own past is affecting how you see this thread? there is no proof of wrong doing at all. I asked above if he had actually done anything to concern the OP, the only things she mentions are hearsay. Hearsay from her ex (no hidden agenda there) and his ex (same). So if your ex were to spread rumours about you, I take it you would expect to be judged by them, and find it acceptable for them to broadcast your inadequacies in the bedroom?

EggyFucker Thu 21-Mar-13 22:28:02

I wouldn't be engaging in any of it, from beginning to end.

chocolatecakeystuff Thu 21-Mar-13 22:33:21

Regardles of the relationship stuff. I'm already friends with this guy, so realisticly I'm already supporting him in one way or another & that's not going to change.

However, I'm cautious about taking things further than friendship because his history.

Don't think I'll be doing any 'saving him' any time soon, and added to that dd & my needs will ultimatly always come first to me.
Regardles of who he is/ was any man that got in the way of that wouldn't be part of my life.

delilahlilah Thu 21-Mar-13 22:38:41

Sounds sensible OP. Judge him on how he treats you in friendship or relationship. Good luck whatever happens. This is where village life is a curse and a blessing, in other circumstances you wouldn't know his past - which could be a good thing and could be a bad thing. So hard to know which is actually for the best in this case. thanks

arsenaltilidie Fri 22-Mar-13 10:08:26

Many men have a tendency lying by blaming the victim, but this man is not one of them.
His ex has a history of DV, police and people that know him say he was a victim, so you can be very sure he was a victim of DV.
As for the sex, if its all go but not lasting very long; that could be fixed.
But however you want to deal with the sex issue is entirely up to you.
WWID: give him time to see if things improve in that department.

EggandSpooneyMara Fri 22-Mar-13 10:35:16

I disagree Arsenal. You can't be very sure about anything regarding him - it took someone else tipping her off for him to admit there had been any trouble in the past.

the police have no idea what really happened. No one does except him and his ex.

For an example my friend recently got involved with a man she had known for 12 years. He told her his ex had attacked him and set fire to his house. She checked with mutual friends, they said yes the ex was violent to him - they didn't mention he had been violent in return and in fact it transpired this story was him all along, not the ex, and he has since gone back to his ex and put her in hospital.

You can think you know someone's history but if you are even thinking about asking random friends if he's telling the truth, it says a lot about your trust in him and how well you know him.

It could be that they are missing out whole chunks so as not to get involved/divide their loyalty.

Of course he could be a hapless victim too but he has already admitted he hit her (back). I'd want to know a whole lot more about the circumstances and frankly I have got better things to waste my time on

EggandSpooneyMara Fri 22-Mar-13 10:37:30

Plus if you are a man trying to redress the balance in terms of perception of DV and gender, you'd do a lot better to moderate your statements and it would add far more credibility were you not to outline as fact things in a situation you're not personally involved with

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