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wwyd - man with a past

(88 Posts)
chocolatecakeystuff Wed 20-Mar-13 21:39:41

I've been 'getting to know' a guy, I met about w month ago.
From the get go I was instantly attracted to him. He was nice, we get on really well & have a great time.

We agreed to go on a date, although haven't actually been yet (both been busy) we have seen each other nearly every day since we met.

However, village life being village life word got around I was spending time with him. My ex pulled one of my friends aside and told them it would all end in tears...

Que this new guy telling me he has a bit of a 'past' long story short, there was an incident with an ex 3 years ago, where the police were involved. She hit him, he hit her back.

Talking to my ex... this guy also has some issues with sex (he's not really into it because he thinks he's rubbish in bed) but I'm not overly worried about that, can be easily solved.

My friends that know this guy, have said its in the past & not toworry about it. My friends that don't know him say to steer well clear.

I really do genuinly like this guy.... but having been violent on this occasion in the past.... should I just steer clear completly, I've never experienced this kind of thing before so I'm not sure what to do?

Can men change? He seemed to genuinly regret what happened... but who knows?

chocolatecakeystuff Wed 20-Mar-13 23:05:29

They've all got gun lisences.... its a village. Ex does as well.
Just because they have guns doesn't mean they want to shoot people/ enjoy killing things. They just have to keep the land pest free that's all

Bluestocking Wed 20-Mar-13 23:09:31

Blimey, OP, your village sounds like Royston Vasey.

Mitchy1nge Wed 20-Mar-13 23:13:47

the shotguns wouldn't bother me but I wouldn't buy the excuse that she started the domestic violence, they all say that, and I couldn't cope with someone who was rubbish at sex unless everything else was somehow so amazing - otherwise what's in it for you?

(still no luck finding new yard then?)

chocolatecakeystuff Wed 20-Mar-13 23:13:48

You're right. My self confidence isn't at an all time high.

However... I know I'm above someone violent iyswim. Don't want to put myself in that situation.

Just can't see myself ever having a relationship with someone 'normal' because of dd being poorly & not being able to have any more children because the risk of then having them same thing &not wanting anyone to ge part of dd's life because she's poorly & won't have her forever I don't think its right anyone be involved in her life. Its not fair on her if they walk out.

Maybe I'm just being selfish & should accept being single is the way I should be.

EggyFucker Wed 20-Mar-13 23:15:37

I don't think you should stay single at all

I think you should have rather higher standards than this man though.

Mitchy1nge Wed 20-Mar-13 23:17:31

it's not like there is a shortage of men, there are billions of them in the world and some of them are really nice

AuntieStella Wed 20-Mar-13 23:19:51

If it's villagey, the someone will know his ex, and you should be able to establish whether she is indeed likely to have been a violent instigator, or if it was his word against hers. In which case, what is her reputation? For if she's an ordinary, nice, normal woman who thinks she's well out of it, you need to tread carefully.

BOEUF Wed 20-Mar-13 23:20:04

You aren't being selfish to want a relationship, but I don't think this guy is it. I'd be cautious in your shoes.

chocolatecakeystuff Wed 20-Mar-13 23:20:06

Nope mitchy :-( still no one taking any on because of the god forsaken pissing minging weather.

From what I've been told (not by him, or my ex) she did hit him first.... and the scars on his chest are pretty conclusive of when she put him in hospital (she was also charged by police for this) was even in the local paper after the trial.

pictish Wed 20-Mar-13 23:22:39

You talk of yourself like some sort of booby prize.
You need to work on that my lovely.

A man needs to earn the privilege of being worthy of your precious time, and in the life of your vulnerable daughter.

You don't have to be grateful to anyone, or lower your standards.

chocolatecakeystuff Wed 20-Mar-13 23:24:43

I guess I'm just a bit shocked & maybe even disapointed because I really do like this guy, we got on so well from the minute we met, wasn't expecting to fancy anyone so soon after my ex. And now obviously it turns out maybe he's not so nice.

But as you say there's plenty of guys out there.

ZenNudist Wed 20-Mar-13 23:25:34

Doesn't sound promising does it? Drop him like a hot potato before you get suckered in. You'll save yourself some heartache in the long run.

Mitchy1nge Wed 20-Mar-13 23:25:53

I think at this stage it should all feel very ok, not iffy enough to start a thread here (speaking as author of 'aibu to get engaged to a shotgun-wielding coke-dealing neo-nazi with links to three murders who has stalked me, broken into my house and tried to run me over' type threads, so not terrifically clued up) - if you have to ask then you know something doesn't feel right?

sorry things haven't improved livery-wise

chocolatecakeystuff Wed 20-Mar-13 23:58:37

I've said it before & I'll say it again, why can't life be fair?

Why couldn't I just have been a normal person with 2.4 healthy normal children &a happy marriage? Does that even exsist? Or is it a myth created by the media?

Mitchy1nge Thu 21-Mar-13 00:04:21

maybe but it sounds boring to me

you obviously need some time off though, forget things for a while and have some fun - could you, somehow?

fortyplus Thu 21-Mar-13 00:12:19

Why not just keep it as a friendship for the time being and see what happens? The shit sex is a red herring generated by your ex. The incident where he hit his ex sounds like a one off initiated by her and it depends what he did - if he just swung for her after being hit then that's very different from grabbing hold and hitting repeatedly.
I have a friend whose husband had a beakdown and held her hostage in their bedroom pointing a loaded shotgun at her. To my amazement they managed to work through it and are happily married years later.

chocolatecakeystuff Thu 21-Mar-13 00:26:38

Lol mitchy going to an anne summers party does that count as fun?

And sunday (as long as it isn't cancelled) I'm fence sitting at the p2p. My life is just thrilling haha.

cronullansw Thu 21-Mar-13 00:39:17

I'm just glad I don't live in such a gossipy village.......

chocolatecakeystuff Thu 21-Mar-13 00:45:10

That's the thing cronullansw I don't even actually live in said village!!!! I'm just outside it! But everyone within a 10 mile radius of said village knows who's bed hopping with who, when, how and all the intricate details of said encounter!

Everyone thinks countryside life is so idylic! If only!

BadLad Thu 21-Mar-13 04:58:30

If someone hit me hard enough to put me in hospital (and hard enough to leave scars on me three years later, and enough for them to be arrested for it) then I think I'd do whatever the fuck it took to get them off me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 21-Mar-13 05:47:55

This particular man sounds like he could be bad news but I'd be very cautious about taking something an attention-seeking ex says on face-value. All sounds very 'Ambridge' if everyone is poking their nose in your business. Time for a relocation?

ladyjadie Thu 21-Mar-13 07:42:19

I used to live in the middle of my town and saw loads of fights between partners.

Certainly not just once have I seen a screaming harridan girlfriend really belting her bloke. While the bloke just stood there or tried to hold her off.

Sometimes I wouldn't have blamed them for reacting back, some women really just go at it with the shrieking/hitting of face/nuts/incessant goading 'come on ya fackin' pussy! Piece of shii!' (etc)

blush I hate violence though (abusive relationship survivor)

Can you talk the the other gf's he's had since her? Does she have a reputation of being lairy and violent to other people?

mrfrancis82 Thu 21-Mar-13 09:13:12

I don't agree with men hitting women but if a woman is physically violent towards a man then what does she expect? In my book it's almost as bad - being violent against someone who they know can't defend themselves due to the risk of being called a woman beater.

Give the guy a chance, just make sure you're cautious about it.

BadLad Thu 21-Mar-13 09:27:23

The guy has been unlucky enough to have an extremely violent ex-partner.

cappuccinodays Thu 21-Mar-13 09:36:01

From my recent experience, I gave a guy the benefit of the doubt. Domestic violence was mentioned in his divorce and he told me upfront. Was very attracted to him etc and everyone has a past I told myself. He was very charming, outgoing etc. 2 yrs down the line i am a mess. Yes, he turned on me, manipulated me etc,overpowered me. Grabbed me, pinned me to the bed, pushed me over, because i wanted to end the relationship. I am lucky i only had 2 yrs. god knows how his ex wife did it for 10 yrs. Im afraid any sign of it in the future and i wont be giving the benefit of the doubt again.

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