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Leave dh because of in laws?

(62 Posts)
LadyApricot Wed 20-Mar-13 21:35:24

My husband and I have been married for three years, together for 6. We have two dc's and we get on alright unless I bring up my grievances with his family.
Mil is controlling and bossy. I am independent and hate the way she tries to tell me what to do all the time. She treats us like children. He's used to it and likes having everything done for him.
I'm fed up being his second mum and we're quite distant although we get on ok as I've said.
My SIL ( and the others in his family) are so so different to us. They have lots of holidays, cleaners, personal trainers, amazing jobs.. We're on a very low income and I only have £150 a week to get the food and pay some of the bills. I'm borrowing money from dh's savings regularly just to get through the week. He doesn't know yet.
My il's are becoming worse and worse around me. They question my parenting, look down their nose at me, think I'm awkward and bitch about me behind my back. Dh refuses to accept this. I dread visiting them. I feel sick whenever he says they want us to visit or they're coming to visit us
I'm finding myself going over all the stuff they do to upset me in my head and I know I need to talk to dh about it but he just defends them and says I'm being paranoid. I guess he just wants an easy life.
I dont know what to do. In the past in arguments he's sayid if we split up he would not move out of our house. I have no money or job so would be stuck.
He drinks too much and doesn't really do much with us. He just wants to sleep when he's not at work.
I'm so bored at home. I love our d's but feeling very unhappy.
What do I do?

LadyApricot Fri 22-Mar-13 21:12:31

Perfect! Haha

Domjolly Fri 22-Mar-13 21:26:19

Um why are you borrowing money from your dh
Thats a bit strage you do know all matrial assets are considred owned by both parties so technically you cant opborrow money

This alone sets alarm bells

digerd Fri 22-Mar-13 21:32:21

I couldn't stand that with your MIL and DH. You have young children, you get to stay in the house and he has to move out.

LadyApricot Sat 23-Mar-13 06:28:48

Domjolly I think it was the only way of saving some money as we had no savings before and if I hAd access to spend it as I needed it wouldn't have been there long! You're right though that if you're married things should be shared. Since I've met him, money's been separate, he's not into the idea of putting it in to one big pot at all.

LadyApricot Sat 23-Mar-13 06:35:01

Digerd I think it might be a tactic to stop me leaving or to scare me a bit as he knows I have no money to go anywhere and he's just trying whatever it takes to stop me from speaking up about my problems with his family. I think I've started the ball rolling now as brought it up with him yesterday and he had no problem talking to them. Sadly they denied everything and this is where we go back to square one- telling me I'm imagining it just to keep up appearances and a pod any falling out
I shall have to confront them myself and take no crap!

LadyApricot Sat 23-Mar-13 06:36:16

Avoid not a pod!!

digerd Sat 23-Mar-13 07:58:17

Wish you luck. So many men can't assert themselves with their parents , especially DM and take the easy way out of blaming the wife for over-reacting.

At least my BIL stood up to his 80 year-old DM who was in hospital after having a Masectomy due to breast cancer, when she moaned about my sis not visiting her. He defended sis and told his mum that she was out of order and he wasn't going to see her again.
That is unconditional loyalty to wife over mum, but I was still a bit shocked due to circumstances of the mum.

LadyApricot Sat 23-Mar-13 09:31:23

I'll never have that kind of loyalty sadly but I do love him. Hopefully we will work this out sad

LadyApricot Sun 24-Mar-13 12:17:42

Since his talk with mil, I am getting very out of he blue 'nice' messages asking how we are etc
Avoiding talking about what I tried to bring up.
I am going crazy here. No one will talk and tell me what their problem is and I'm left with all this anger and frustration while they all put on a fake smile and their nice act
Even if I ask outright they're going to deny everything aren't they
Do I just live in frustration instead?

PureQuintessence Sun 24-Mar-13 12:26:42

Seems to me the only way for you to get your hands on family money and shared assets is to divorce him!

Sure you dont want to go down that road?

To me this looks more and more like emotional abuse and financial abuse.

hedwig2001 Sun 24-Mar-13 12:40:03

Do you still have access to that nasty email thread from in laws? You could forward it to them, asking for a response.

LadyApricot Sun 24-Mar-13 13:20:05

I could but its a bit sneaky. I need to just be upfront I think.
The savings aren't really family money-it's just money to help is if we ever need to move or something goes wrong with the car etc
He has no spare money, his wages are go e on bills and petrol before the next pay check. So it's not like he's keeping it all for himself. We just need more money coming in. I have since applied for weekend work to help make some more
As for emotional abuse, maybe it is? I don't know..

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