Shared care for just turned 7 yo and almost 4 yo? Are they too young?

[confusedworkingmummy]

Hello all!

This is my first ever post!

I'm (very sadly) looking at potentially separating from my partner of 11 years. We're not married and have two children - a 7 yo boy and 3 yo girl. We own a house together. I'm a working mum (4 days a week) and the primary wage earner in the house - though we pretty much share the child care and drops down the middle.

My partner is keen to explore shared care for the children should we split as he is a very active dad - (i.e half the time with him and half with me) - and whilst this could "fit" with my job - i feel that the children would be much better off having one main home (with their mummy at this young age) and very regular access to their daddy at weekends and a day or more in the week after school - as well as plenty of time in school holidays. Im fearful it would be deeply confusing for them to have two separate "homes" one week on and one week off. Also I am very attached to my 3 year old - as she is with me - - and dont feel ready as a mum for her to be without me for stretches at a time on a regular basis. It would be different for adhoc holidays im sure. Also she is due to start school in sept this year and i fear this would be a terrible time for her to suddenly have big periods of time without her mummy or one stable home. I fear shared care will turn their lives even more upside down then daddy moving out of home and them staying at home but going to hang out with daddy every weekend and 1/2 times in the week. Or am I wrong?

We've been in therapy for 2 years now and have tried harder than hard to make this work - but are both so unhappy and this is clearly affecting the children now - with all the rows and animosity in the atmosphere. Separating is a very real reality and i'd really appreciate any advice on shared care vs one main home and carer.

Thanks so much x

[elastamum]

It can work if you both want it to. I know a couple of people who do shared care and the DC do mon / tue with one parent. Wed / Thur with the other and alternate fri /sat Sun. That way they only move once. It helps if you live very nearby so the DC can walk between houses as they get older.

My DC go between houses on a more ad hoc basis. Technically they live with me but probably stay with dad a couple of nights a week when he is home as he works away.

I think if both you start with the aim of making it work between you, you will be fine. My ex and I try very hard to present a united front with the DC and attend school events etc together for them. We both have new partners and are quite happily divorced

[Cherriesarelovely]

My gut feeling is that you are right about that confused. I would imagine it would be very tiring and confusing for children of that age to have 2 homes. All the kerfuffle involved in remembering uniforms, book bags, favourite toys etc. However, that is not to say that it is the wrong thing to do in the long run. It does seem fairer especially as your DP is also a very active parent. I should add I haven't got experience of this so it would probably be more useful for you to hear from someone who has!

[angel1976]

Hi, I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this. I am too, in the early stages of separating from the hubby, as he has decided our marriage is no longer exciting and he has his eye on someone else he works with. :( He will not even commit to 'trying', all he wants is out. We've been to two therapy sessions and he's already decided he has had enough. He never intended to work on our marriage but anyway, enough about me!

It sounds to me like your DH is intending to move out. Is he going to be nearby and will he have a suitable property for the children? We have decided that STBXH will move to a 2-bed property within walking distance from us and their school. He will take his time finding the 'right' property as whether you like it or not, it will be a 'second home' to your DCs and it should be that way if they are to continue to have a meaningful relationship with their father. The thing is even if you decide on 'shared' care later on, I don't think it should happen right away! My DCs are 5 and 3, also very young. We will probably start with a one-night sleepover to begin with and obviously, with us intending to stay close together in terms of distance, if anything goes badly wrong (which I don't think it will), I will only be spitting distance away. And then we will probably build up to full weekends and hopefully, it will be one night a week and then alternate weekends etc. I would like to hear the opinions of anyone who 'has been there' whether I am planning the right thing!

The other thing that jumps out from your post at me is but going to hang out with daddy every weekend and 1/2 times in the week - is it fair to expect your (ex)partner to have the kids every weekend? Also, if you are a working mum, would you not want a weekend with your kids? I don't know many people who are divorced (I'm pretty young and I think our marriage will be, unfortunately, one of the firsts to bite the dust!) but a good friend of mine who is a single mum who works full-time has the arrangement that her XH has her daughter 1 night during the weekdays and also alternate weekends and they seem pretty happy with the arrangement. Best of luck to both of us trying to work this one out!

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

I'm sorry for your loss, OP, and the end of a relationship is a loss.

I think the general wisdom for young children - where both parents are involved, loving, committed, etc - is to split awake time as fairly as possible but to have them sleeping in one house most of the time. I don't know if that's possible for you two?

Honestly, though, your husband has as much right to see his kids as you do. He's split their care so far, so why would you get veto?

I do have a very good friend who split from her partner when their DD was two, and they managed shared care very successfully for a long time - the past tense is only because he then developed health problems and was unable to continue with her care. They worked it so that they alternated weekends and weekdays, I think. I agree that you're not going to want a scenario where you get all the work days and he gets all the weekends.

[Longdistance]

My sil's teenage sons are shared care, but they're teenagers, and pick and choose where they stay now, with input by the parents. It's quite a relaxed arrangement. They're 16 and 14 now.

I can see how it can be confusing for them, especially the 4 yo, poor lamb :(
I know my dd wouldn't like it either, and he's 4 in September.

[LittleEdie]

Do you trust him to give them a good home? His relationship with your DD may well blossom if he has them on his own. Young children accept whatever their parents present as normal. I'd say they would be fine, so long as you both were fine with it.