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Anyone been here?

(63 Posts)
leftfootrightfoot Wed 20-Mar-13 14:43:43

H has been ill with depression on and off all adult life. We have been married for 9 years and have young children. His depression has been bad this year, we have struggled "together" to keep everything going. He has now, out of nowhere just walked out on us. He said it was to give him space, that he had realised lots of stuff about himself during his counselling etc and that he had been much worse than he had let on and needed to get himself better. A week later it comes out he has another woman. Apparently they have only started to have feelings since we split the week before but have been friends as far as I can tell (secret kind of friends!) for 6 months ish? She is in a similar situation re mental health issues and also has children and a husband.

It is like my H has had a total personality transplant.

I am doing all the trying to get my house in order as it were so I can try and support the children (I'm a sahm) but when I actually think about "it" I am totally confused and tie myself up in knots

leftfootrightfoot Thu 21-Mar-13 09:50:41

Yep. He didn't move in with her he rented a room for a month. She is still in and out of her family home as I think her husband isn't happy with her taking the children from the family home and she is obv a bit more concerned about the kids than my H is about his

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 21-Mar-13 10:00:47

You sound calm and organised and there are posters here who can advise you on money and maintenance. I know you are currently a SAHM, had you considered going to work later on, it might be something H will come up with when discussing finances. Childcare would be an extra factor to consider.

leftfootrightfoot Thu 21-Mar-13 10:11:16

We have the added issue that we HE as DS had some issues when younger and we felt school was not the best option. I know I will prob need to work and for myself I am quite happy with that but for the DCs not so much as I am being forced to make a decision that may not be in their best interests because of him

leftfootrightfoot Thu 21-Mar-13 10:11:42

My friend thinks he wil have found somewhere to rent with her

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 21-Mar-13 10:13:42

Let's hope H is considering this as well as his own issues, good luck talking with him.

DorisIsWaiting Thu 21-Mar-13 10:13:50

Can you get a solictors appt asap.

His savings as a married couple are your savings too. You should have some claim on them (particularly if you weren't allowed to build up money in your own name).

I think until you see the solicitor all discussions about finances should be off particularly if he is going to start spending money that should be coming to the DC (signing himself up for a more expensive place...)

leftfootrightfoot Thu 21-Mar-13 11:10:07

I have seen one and its left that if I want to instruct her i need to contact her and petition for divorce. I'm assuming I need to do the details of his unacceptabel behaviour before i can petition

leftfootrightfoot Thu 21-Mar-13 11:11:30

He is spending this money regardless of what I am going to say, he just needs to "tell me" I guess. His decisions from the day he left are based on his needs and his alone, coupled with a lot of naivety about how much it costs to run this home

Lonecatwithkitten Thu 21-Mar-13 15:52:25

Left petition the divorce on the basis of adultery. You are still married currently so he is commiting adultery by having a relationship with the OW. Saves you spending ages thinking of unreasonable behaviour.

leftfootrightfoot Thu 21-Mar-13 17:02:28

How do I prove it if he denies it, sol thought if he could deny it and I had no actual proof we could be wasting our time and money

Lonecatwithkitten Thu 21-Mar-13 17:11:21

My solicitor advised that I put that if the divorce was uncontested I would pay it. If he contested the adultery he would have to pay half the costs. There are boxes to tick for this on the petition. She that usually the treat of having to pay meant that most men did not contest the adultery. She also felt that where adultery had occurred that it was usually much less hurtful that dragging up examples of unreasonable behaviour which can still be contested.

Lueji Thu 21-Mar-13 17:14:32

You could ask him in which grounds he would accept to divorce.

Otherwise, could you contact him only by e-mail or text messages and get some evidence of either adultery or unreasonable behaviour?

As for adultery, you have a corroborating witness - her husband.

leftfootrightfoot Thu 21-Mar-13 17:59:17

Oh yes, although i had to text him to ask to stay out of their triangel of revenge etc as I was getting involved by him saying what he wanted to do to his wife and my H and then I was getting harrassed from H to try and find out what was going on

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