Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Anyone been here?

(63 Posts)
leftfootrightfoot Wed 20-Mar-13 14:43:43

H has been ill with depression on and off all adult life. We have been married for 9 years and have young children. His depression has been bad this year, we have struggled "together" to keep everything going. He has now, out of nowhere just walked out on us. He said it was to give him space, that he had realised lots of stuff about himself during his counselling etc and that he had been much worse than he had let on and needed to get himself better. A week later it comes out he has another woman. Apparently they have only started to have feelings since we split the week before but have been friends as far as I can tell (secret kind of friends!) for 6 months ish? She is in a similar situation re mental health issues and also has children and a husband.

It is like my H has had a total personality transplant.

I am doing all the trying to get my house in order as it were so I can try and support the children (I'm a sahm) but when I actually think about "it" I am totally confused and tie myself up in knots

izzyizin Wed 20-Mar-13 19:02:03

You are a single mum, honey - he's walked out on you and left you to parent your dc by yourself.

If you can resist the temptation to rewrite history you'll look back and see that, effectively, you've been a single parent to your dc since they first came into this world and the only difference now is that you no longer have to be distracted from your purpose by the need to parent a self-obsessed manchild.

I don't want to be on my own and don't think I'll find anyone else

Now that you are on your own, you can live life on your own terms and it could be you'll come to enjoy liberation so much, you won't want anyone else.

It's usually at this point that fate conjures up the spectre of sod's law and you find yourself with the task of choosing between a number of equally eligible suitors who have been drawn to your positive energy like moths to the proverbial flame smile

Life's short - don't miss out on this opportunity to make yours the fulfilling and rewarding adventure it was always intended to be.

issypiggle Wed 20-Mar-13 19:02:13

Being a single mum is actually lovely. it might seem a daunting feeling at the mo, but when XP walked out on me and DD it was the end of the world. but actually, between me and dd we have a girlie night once a week, i popped down to local mum and toddler groups and met some lovely people in RL, and now have a new guy who treats me and dd the way we deserve. it might seem like it's a huge challenege (and this is gonna sound soooo cheesy) but things happen for a reason, and i think hun it's time to put you and your dc first. if you can save up pop away with them for a few days (maybe see family), just to chill and forget everything and then come back refreshed and tackle things. but if you have concerns about him visiting the dc i would go chat to CAB, and ask where you stand on supervised visits.

but hun, good luck and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, might seem like it's a disaster area but come a years time you will look at this knowin you've come out stronger and you're kids will see you are super mum!

leftfootrightfoot Wed 20-Mar-13 19:59:37

Thanks, I do feel worn down, and things have felt lighter in the house without the constant tension. He couldn't handle the children so yelled at them and bossed them all the time so as well as looking after him I was also having to look after all their dealings with each other as he would get panicky and anxious and angry and they would get upset so I was always trying to keep the peace.

I am finding this so hard, he has thrown all this anger at me, how I moulded him all his life, how our marriage had been crap for years (all this I "heard" as I was sat in the OW's husbands car while the mad husband was yelling at my H on the phone, my H knew I was there but to save his sorry arse he started telling all this stuff to the man who wanted to rip out his balls)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 20-Mar-13 20:05:15

It is like my H has had a total personality transplant.

This ^^ is what you said earlier but from what you tell us I wonder how long you have coped and put up with a lot. I understand that depression has a terrible effect on people but in some instances when confusion and pain and inability to cope is blamed on the person conveniently to hand, it is too easy to use you as a scapegoat.

Lueji Wed 20-Mar-13 20:12:48

Agreeing with the others.

And you can already feel the tension lifting.

Since I have kicked out ex, and, despite his criminal behaviour afterwards, life as a single mum has been much better.
No more tension, no more crying.
Mostly relaxed or laughing with DS.
And found someone else too, who, so far, has been really nice, with no dramas.

At some point I bet you'll be thankful that he left. Just make sure not to fall for his shit when he will want to go back

leftfootrightfoot Wed 20-Mar-13 20:31:44

I know Lueji, she has sat on my sofa and I remembered her looking/being quite nice but when I looked on FB at her wowee she is the polar opposite of me. They are either a perfect match as she is everything I'm not, or they will crash and burn when the reality of real life kicks back in for them.

Can I ask how far down the road are you ladies, how long until I will feel as strong as you people sound?

onenutshortofasnickers Wed 20-Mar-13 20:53:29

He is an utter twat and you are better off without him.

Depression is crap- i have it- i would never do that.

He will soon realise the grass isn't greener on the other side, just you wait- and you are to be strong and say no, because you will realise how truly shit his treatment of you is/was and that you are better off without him.

If you worry for contact, go to the centres for supervised contact with professionals, i should imagine the CAB could give you advice, or at least signpost you somewhere.

Go to your GP and explain how you are feeling and the situation and ask for counselling. it will probably be quite a lengthy waiting list, but it will help.

issypiggle Wed 20-Mar-13 21:06:07

it varies from person to person, but once things start getting into order it'll be surprising how quick it passes, but don't expect it to happen overnight but you might find one day you'll wake up and feel amazing.

Just hang in there chick, in the mean time there's your rl friends and us to listen!!

Lueji Wed 20-Mar-13 21:07:28

Two years here, but it was easier I guess as leaving was my decision, after two episodes of dv, which were ultimately caused by me distancing myself and not bothering so much with his crap and emotional blackmail.

I had done the mourning already.

But really should have left sooner.

sarahseashell Wed 20-Mar-13 21:29:06

It does take time but you'll feel happier month on month, year on year - certainly after a year or two you'll look back on it and know the worst is over but it could be much sooner, varies from person to person. There'll be good and bad days but the bad ones will pass and the good ones will increase

leftfootrightfoot Wed 20-Mar-13 23:05:58

Donkeys his personality thing is due mainly I think to him figuring out some stuff from his past which is true, he never really "knew" himself, never did have anything he liked, had any friends etc, he was a people pleaser and just wanted to make others happy, and disliked making any decisions, ever. He has realised this and along with that realisation he has seen the anxiety and anger he had inside and has a lot of it for many people on his life who he now feels pushed him around and moulded him. Basically he was sttod there waiting to be moulded as he would never make a decision or do anything for himself so if you wanted to do anything or get anything done you had to make the decision

leftfootrightfoot Wed 20-Mar-13 23:10:02

I feel better than I di at first, the hideous shock reaction has gone but tbh I think I am keeping busy and kind of not thinking about it, avoiding it a bit. Concentrating on the day to day living without him but not giving enough thought or energy to get my head around the next steps which I can't imagine for one minute are going to go anything like smoothly. He is liking his new found control but I need to regain some and he is not going to take to that too kindly. His stuff is still in the house, he still has keys, he came to see the kids and was sat on his phone using our broadband. He thinks we can just do a DIY divorce and split everything 50/50, I am not going to let that happen and the results of that aint going to be nice I don't think

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 21-Mar-13 00:27:22

50:50, so you get the children and he walks away without any parental responsibility and half the money? Okay then, Mr Man, see how that works out for you.

He's coming up with every excuse in the book for why he's been a cheating fucker, isn't he?

From what you've said, he's never parented the kids on his own, he yelled at them all the time, you've all been walking on eggshells, and now he's cheated on you and walked out.

But he's a people pleaser, is he? Just wanting to make others happy, very passive sort of guy, never had anything for himself? I note that you have absolutely no where is the money? Can't be with Mr 'I never did have anything I liked', can it?

You didn't support him properly, you were stressed and didn't give him enough time - but at the same time you mothered him, moulded him, did everything for him? So he had to get away to get space?

He's a fuckwit. And there is no way, NO WAY, that he only developed feelings for the OW the week after he left. He left because he was cheating on you, with her.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 21-Mar-13 07:27:12

"a feeling I can't carry a family on my own."

You're already managing your family single-handed. Speaking as a single mum, it's really not so terrible. Like anything else it's not a bed of roses but at least all your decisions (good, bad and indifferent) are yours alone, you get a great deal of satisfaction from the accomplishment and - best of all - you don't have some idiot bloke dragging you into the dirt with their 'problems'.

So please don't think it's a terrible life. It's really not.

Lonecatwithkitten Thu 21-Mar-13 07:50:31

Roughly this time last year I felt just like you. Actually life is sooo much easier without him on the everyday front.
You are at the darkest moment right now and things will get better. Stuff will come out, you will read mumsnet and over time you will realise that you could not of prevented the affair and I suspect like me you will start to realise that you had been the one making the effort in the relationship all along. So yes we are 50:50 responsible for relationships, but often when things start to go wrong one individual works to repair and the other sits back let's it happen then uses it as an excuse.
Your RL friends don't have to choose sides though often the behaviour of one party means they spend more time with the other. But take all the support your friends are offering it certainly helped me.
You will survive and hopefully this time next year you will be like I am now looking back on what I have achieved and feeling proud of myself.
Good luck on your journey.

leftfootrightfoot Thu 21-Mar-13 08:04:24

I know he had those feelings prev to that week, I think he prob didn't act on them until then but tbh it is immaterial as he betrayed me when he confided in her instead of me and kept their friendship secret however many months ago. I offered to try and work on things when he told me what "our" relationship probs are and he wasn't interested.

I know he has gone but I don't want to hate him so I am blaming myself, pathetic I know sad . I need to change the way I see him and not sure how I do that or whether it will just be a slow dawning of the crappy reality

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 21-Mar-13 08:16:22

Slow dawning is par for the course. What speeds up the process is making your new life as rewarding and interesting as possible. Do things that you want to do, make changes, (even be reckless & make a few mistakes), challenge yourself, enjoy the freedom of independence. It will all boost your confidence and self-esteem which, in turn, puts the ex's actions into perspective. You will find that, from time to time, something happens that reminds you of a past example and you will wonder 'why on earth did I put up with that?'

leftfootrightfoot Thu 21-Mar-13 09:14:18

God he has texted me, "I need to talk to you", think his meds are being swapped, here comes the fun. I have texted back saying if he is going to text "we need to talk" then he needs to add what we need to talk about on his text, or he needs to come and try to talk to me without a text. I don't need another bombshell looming on me all day

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 21-Mar-13 09:26:09

"How are you/the DCs?" would have been nice. See what he has to say. How many times will he say "I"? You don't have to just listen btw he can have the grace to give you airtime too.

leftfootrightfoot Thu 21-Mar-13 09:39:16

He did ask that first. He says its about money, he can't stay where he was its making him ill, he has committed to somewhere for next 6 months "it will stretch me" but he reckons I'll be allright

issypiggle Thu 21-Mar-13 09:39:38

if hes adamant he wants to talk, meet in a public place, then you can both walk away. set ground rules for the talk, that he has to listen to your thoughts first before he starts dropping bombshells.

I would ask for his keys and for him to collect his stuff. but make sure you and the dcs are out when that happens and see if there is a friend that can pop in a house sit to make sure he does as he's asked.

don't go blaming yourself, you're the better person in this, you are still there for the dcs.

leftfootrightfoot Thu 21-Mar-13 09:41:29

I have replied asking if he has an electric copy of his calculations so I can see them before the chat

leftfootrightfoot Thu 21-Mar-13 09:43:44

i haven't worked out what I think I need from his wages, should I try and get that done today before the talk. Can he legally say "I will give you CSA amount", do one and spend all his savings, and if so what can I do to protect myself from that happening? At the moment we have sep savings, joint current account where his wages go into and all bills go out of with an available overdraft. I have now got a current acc of my won with Child Ben and Tax Cred going into but that aint going to pay my monthly bills and mortgage

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 21-Mar-13 09:48:04

So where is his lady friend? You didn't throw him out, he jumped ship. He wasn't up front and honest, he took his sweet time about laying things on the line.

Catering and laundry now not up to his 5 star standard? Oh dear. Flexing his muscles and enjoying space rather less fun than he anticipated? Ditto.

issypiggle Thu 21-Mar-13 09:50:31

chat to csa and get that confirmed and sorted so he has to give you a set amount and then if he doesnt pay they sort it (i believe-someone might need to confirm), keep your savings account as emergency atm, and tell him for the time being he needs to help with the bills at home and the mortgage. work out how much he needs to give you for all of it tell him that needs to be in the joint account and then he can have the rest. just until more can be sorted. i'm sure his ow can bail him out if they are 'that intune' with each other

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now