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Anyone been here?

(63 Posts)
leftfootrightfoot Wed 20-Mar-13 14:43:43

H has been ill with depression on and off all adult life. We have been married for 9 years and have young children. His depression has been bad this year, we have struggled "together" to keep everything going. He has now, out of nowhere just walked out on us. He said it was to give him space, that he had realised lots of stuff about himself during his counselling etc and that he had been much worse than he had let on and needed to get himself better. A week later it comes out he has another woman. Apparently they have only started to have feelings since we split the week before but have been friends as far as I can tell (secret kind of friends!) for 6 months ish? She is in a similar situation re mental health issues and also has children and a husband.

It is like my H has had a total personality transplant.

I am doing all the trying to get my house in order as it were so I can try and support the children (I'm a sahm) but when I actually think about "it" I am totally confused and tie myself up in knots

ffswhatnow Wed 20-Mar-13 14:54:10


Darling I'm afraid that depression is no excuse for what he has done (and I say that as someone on max ADs). Yes it can make you selfish, but this is beyond, well, I'm speechless.

How old are your DC?

leftfootrightfoot Wed 20-Mar-13 15:11:20

3 and 6

leftfootrightfoot Wed 20-Mar-13 15:12:53

I didn't support him in the right way, I was stressed and prob a bi depressed as well, I know I wasn't the perfect wife but the impression he gave me and others I have spoken to is the problem he needed sorting was himself, by going out more feeling better about himself so I helped that by staying in every eve so he could go out etc. I can see how that had a negative effect on "us" but I always assumed if he ha a problem with our relationship then he would have said?

leftfootrightfoot Wed 20-Mar-13 15:16:19

She "understands" him. My thought is if she didn't appear he would have either said there was a prob with us earlier and we would have had a chance to sort it, or he would have still left like he has to "sort himself out" as he was finding parenting hard and it was adding to his anxiety probs but that he would have given our marriage a thought, whereas now he has a new bit of fluff he is obviously not thinking about us at all and his kids seem to have fallen very low in his priorities way below himself and protecting his precious feelings (he wouldn't come home and kip in DS room last night when he was pporly like he used to, he knew it wasn't for me or any effort of mine to get him back just something to help his hurting son and he just said "he can't")

meditrina Wed 20-Mar-13 15:19:25

Exactly, you are stressed and possibly depressed; you had the same dissatisfactions in the marriage; but you didn't go and bail out to a third party.

It's hell when you discover your spouse has had an affair. You may have been 50/50 responsible for the state of the marriage, but he's 100% responsible for the affair.

Of course it's confusing. Recognise that you are in a time of crisis, and try not to make irrevocable decisions in the heat of the moment. But research your options now. Make sure you have a roof over your head and enough to live on in the short term (search for olgaga's excellent post on sources of practical assistance).

Do you have RL friends you can confide in?

leftfootrightfoot Wed 20-Mar-13 15:25:21

Yes have some lovely friends in RL, all happily married though. A lot of my friends are now mutual friends of his as well (they were friends of mine I introduced him to as he didn't really have any friends) so its tricky as they all know him but all think he is being a total bastard as well as a prat as with all the issues they think he isn't thinking straight

ffswhatnow Wed 20-Mar-13 15:25:51

OK, so he's said that he needed "alone" time to feel better, and now you're beating yourself up because of the negative effect that had on you as a couple? That's utter bullshit, you know that, don't you?

I have to admit that I wonder whether or not he is actually depressed or if he is using that as an excuse - it takes a lot for me to say that - everyone is different and can react in different ways, sure. But this sounds like it is true to the script - "I'm depressed and she understands me - it isn;'t my fault" hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 20-Mar-13 15:29:52

Similar. He was depressed, liked a drink and used to bend my ear all night long with his woes. I made allowances, made changes, even paid his way for a while to get him out of financial problems <slaps own forehead in disbelief>. Then he left to have 'some space' and ...ta-daa... there was an OW waiting in that space. She was more caring, apparently.

Bottom line is that you've been used, cast aside and it sucks. Nothing to do with being the perfect wife, nothing to do with 'depression', and everything to do with that age old problem of a selfish man that thinks everyone else should find him endlessly fascinating.

Sorry you're going through this. Glad you're working on an independent future. You may not appreciate it yet but you'll be 10x better off without this millstone.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 20-Mar-13 15:33:51

"they think he isn't thinking straight "

Of course he's thinking straight. He's thinking 'me want new woman'.... very few brain cells required for that, mostly located in the dangly thing between his legs... hmm 'Depressed' my eye.

AnyFucker Wed 20-Mar-13 15:59:04

He is a common or garden liar

No more, no less

What a fucking cliche

Don't you take any blame for this

He has been having an affair for some time, and he waited to leave you until his ducks were lined up

You are well rid of this emotional blood sucker

He is no longer your will see this soon, I hope

leftfootrightfoot Wed 20-Mar-13 16:13:49

Thank you. I think he has been ill as she is a work colleague and I know they only met at the earliest 7 months ago and he was suicidal and all depression issues came to a head at least 5 months before he met her. He is totally thinking with his n*b. I am trying to be nice to him for the kids as where he is he can't see them there and so he is coming to see them here (plus certain things he has said about his mental state make me not want the kids to be alone with him). I don't want my kids hanging about a park or MacDs with him and he can't cope with both of them well on his own anyway tbh

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 20-Mar-13 16:26:02

If you are in any doubt as to whether he is fit to look after the DCs then listen to your instinct and limit access.

I am sorry for your trouble, OP. Seems he can think clearly enough when it comes to suiting himself, am guessing he and the OW weren't thinking in terms of walking out on their spouses and responsibilities whilst taking all the children with them? no, thought not.

AnyFucker Wed 20-Mar-13 16:38:15

He can manage to facilitate a sexual relationship with a shiny new partner, but can't cope with his own kids hmm

He's certainly done a number on you, hasn't he ?

I expect you have carried this man for years, and you are still carrying despite him treating you like a disposable domestic appliance

Wake up, love

When are you going to stop mothering him?

Lueji Wed 20-Mar-13 16:40:26

Firstly, it's really difficult to be the partner of someone with depression. Particularly if they bottle it up.
It's not your fault in any way.

Professional carers have respite. We don't.

Secondly, I can imagine that they felt they could understand each other's illness. However, they haven't shared a life in common.
I doubt it will last long, TBH, if they both have depression.

Could you ask for supervised contact? Say, at his parents, or even a contact centre?

If he has/had suicidal thoughts, I would fight for no unsupervised contact.

leftfootrightfoot Wed 20-Mar-13 17:59:49

I realise i have mothered him for years, he nursed his own mum through terminal illness in his teens and has looked for a mother ever since probably.

His family, like mine are 3 hours away so only supervised contact would be me being there or another friend I suppose

EggyFucker Wed 20-Mar-13 18:17:26

Supervised contact can be done with professionals, in a contact centre

If you have concerns for dc's safety when with him, that is actually the most sensible and certainly the safest option. I wouldn't impose on a friend to babysit your husband while he takes care of his own kids, and you shouldn't be expected to do it either

This a grown man we are talking about here

sarahseashell Wed 20-Mar-13 18:17:50

I have been exactly where you are OP, a number of years ago.

He's been having an affair and 'depression' is typical - could be midlife crisis but it's all absolutely so much part of the script. Do not let him put the blame for this onto you. Let him go and get on with it and just get support for yourself and your dcs - on here and in RL

He will probably want to come back in a few months. His 'depression' will clear up. It's not your fault and it's not your responsibility. You have been cheated on and badly let down and there's no excuse for that.

It's horrible for you and my heart goes out to you. You will get through it and come out the other side happier than you can now imagine. Look after yourself, sleep, eat and do whatever you need to do just one day at a time

leftfootrightfoot Wed 20-Mar-13 18:30:51

Don't shout me down here but... I don't want to be on my own and don't think I'll find anyone else. I know how pathetic that is and how stupid I sound but I don't want to be a single Mum sad

EggyFucker Wed 20-Mar-13 18:33:38

Not going to shout you down. That seems to be a common refrain on this board. This terror of being a single mum, I just don't get it. Is this pressure from your family and upbringing coming to bear? They would rather see you crushed and unhappy than free and single ?

I would rather be alone than badly accompanied.

In other words, no man is worth putting up with this shit.

EggyFucker Wed 20-Mar-13 18:37:38

Don't shout at me back...but love, has it slipped your mind he has dumped you for another woman ?

You will find someone else, when you move on from this piece of shit. But while you mope, cling onto an an inadequate man that can't be arsed to even stay sexually faithful to you and grieve for something that was actually a pile of's never going to happen.

Move on. Get some counselling to pin down while you have settled for so little for so long and this tiem next year you will wonder why you stuck it out for so long.

I know you don't believe me, and I know you won't accept it. But how many women do you see coming back to these boards who say they regret moving on from a useless man ?

Clue: it has a nought on the end. And no numbers in front of it.

pod3030 Wed 20-Mar-13 18:40:05

You can't see it now, but being free of him isn't a negative. You will have space to breath and flourish. Think of all the times your life has been limited because of you carrying him. Think how nice it will be to be free of that. You will be a happy little family without him, a healthier family.
For now, focus on the practical things if you can. Finances, access arrangements etc. Try to detach from him and give yourself time.

leftfootrightfoot Wed 20-Mar-13 18:51:03

Its not outside pressure, but a feeling I can't carry a family on my own.

My life has been limited terribly by him, I know all these things but I don't "feel" them, maybe its too early? It only happened a fortnight ago.

How do I go about getting counselling? I have literally no money at the mo, would it be free

EggyFucker Wed 20-Mar-13 19:01:14

Go to your GP and request it.

Love, you can carry a family on your own. This is what you have been doing for years plus carrying this man too. Imagine how much easier it could be if you only had to worry about you and the dc's.

Your mental and emotional reserves are low atm, because he has been an emotional vampire sucking the life out of you. But you are not depleted yet. Not by a long way. You posted here, and that was a great move.

sarahseashell Wed 20-Mar-13 19:02:01

He'll have ground you down so that your self esteem is on the floor and you think no-one else will ever want you. It's all so predictable to those of us who've been there and the fact is it's just not true: you are a worthwhile person who will be very much wanted and you've probably been putting all your energies into propping him up and looking after dcs.

Being a single parent is really not as bad as you think. In fact it's not bad at all. it's good - just like being a married parent except overall a lot easier most the time because you don't have to carry this entitled draining man. It's all about him at the moment - time to start looking after you

You're probably still in shock just now though so take it very gently. Your GP can refer you for counselling I'd try to get on the waiting list now

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