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Physical abuse has stopped for now but is it ea now?

(62 Posts)
crashmat Tue 19-Mar-13 16:40:10

Have posted about DH's violence before. He has broken a rib, given me a black eye etc in the past. I'd say in total he has hit me about 7-8 times with low grade sexual abuse thrown in. After a particularly nasty attack last summer I told him to stop drinking (violence only happened when he was drunk) or I was going to the police. He would lose his job if he was convicted of assault. My GP and counsellor both logged the incident on their systems, he doesn't know this though.

I have been working with domestic abuse services very informally since. The lady who I speak to seems to think the ea is still ongoing but I'm just not seeing it. Last night DH was pissed off about an issue with his family and blamed me but it honestly was not my fault. It escalated in him accusing me of being sneaky saying I hadn't told him something that I am sure I did. There have been a couple of other things. He has put a stop to me making a change to my job and he has pretty much made it impossible for me to attend a work team building night away by using the dc's as a reason to say no. Is it easy way out to say ea or just give and take the of a relationship?

I really can't see the wood for the trees so to speak. Have name changed. Any views would be really helpful.

crashmat Wed 20-Mar-13 17:16:38

Sorry all, can not post when dh is around because he will be hovering and I have been working.

I have given the matter so much thought last night and today. I was trying to work out why I didn't leave at the first punch and why indeed I am waiting for him to attack me again so I have permission to leave. I think he has controlled so much of my life for 8 years that it doesn't feel normal to make such a fundamental decision about our marriage without his input. I defer to him about whether or not the dishwasher is full enough to turn on or if I can put a lamp on so to make a decision like this without his permission seems so wrong. So out of my comfort zone.

Hairtearing he was bothered about my name on fb 'in case old boyfriends track you down.' I have never ever cheated on him.

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement, it is hard to process this when I have the normal everyday needs of 3 dc's and a job to do. I can't give it the time I need because I keep being interrupted!

Toasttoppers Wed 20-Mar-13 17:20:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

delilahlilah Wed 20-Mar-13 17:42:00

Very seriously crash, you need to make absolutely sure that either he doesn't know you're going to leave or that there are people with you when you do. You need to stay safe. Put together all your important paperwork and either keep it at work, if that is safe, or with a trusted friend / relative.

The level of his control is worrying from your last post. When you do leave make sure he doesn't have passwords for fb / email etc and change your name and security settings on fb again. Make sure you have money in a bank account in your own name that he cannot touch / block. You also need to block him from calling you - changing your phone number is probably best. You will likely get a deluge of text / phone calls swinging between anger and self pity - it's easier not to be aware of them.

This isn't should you leave, but when you leave. I am not taking this lightly, I've been there and know how hard it is but you are not safe and therefore it is not a good place for your DC. You really need to make this a priority, and make the most of the support here.

crashmat Wed 20-Mar-13 17:56:54

Delilah I hear you. There is no way I would tell him directly I am leaving. It is too unsafe. I would just go.

It's the fallout after that I am very concerned about. Last time he hit me he didn't even bother with an apology. It was my fault because I had spoken out of place. There would be no pleading for me to come back, it will be war. He has already said if we were to separate he would not play nice.

I think this is what is holding me back from walking now. I need to find the resolve and emotional resilience to deal with it. I'm not sure if I have that. He told me that my childhood sexual abuse was my fault, I ask people to hurt me. I can't just turn away from that. I have on one shoulder the rational me saying nonsense, on the other I have the dark part of me wondering if that could be true.

cjel Wed 20-Mar-13 18:05:40

NO NO NO. You are not to blame, but your abuse is in a way, as you grew up believing you were worth being mis treated. Start to listen to the positive msgs in your head and don't listen to that dark side of you. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME> YOU ARE WORTH GOOD TREATMENT > Please repeat that over and over until you start to take it in. See a counsellor and they will help you unpick your dark stuff so you can be at peace. I too was led to believe that it was my fault because of my childhood. I no longer believe it and love looking after myself. Like the ad says 'Because you are worth it'xxx

tribpot Wed 20-Mar-13 18:18:14

Crashmat do you see the connection between your childhood abuse and the fact you have ended up with an abuser? Please make a different choice for your children.

Rationally you must know you aren't to blame for the abuse you suffered - and suffer - but I appreciate how difficult it must be to fight the conditioning after what amounts to a sustained campaign of torture. You have retained enough sense of self to know this is wrong. You can break out still. Keep posting.

EggyFucker Wed 20-Mar-13 18:28:26

Crashmat, you need RL help to leave this man.

Please access it. The help is there, if you really want it.

If you don't think you are worth it, think of your children. They deserve not to have these damaging lessons as their only example of how men and women interact in the home. They will think this is normal.

crashmat Wed 20-Mar-13 18:33:54

trib I do see the connection. I have undergone enough counselling and seen enough psychologists to know that my core beliefs and baselines in personal relationships have been skewed. Due to the fact it was a member of my family who sexually abused me I am now certain that what I view as 'family' and the way family members treat each other is not the norm.

It kills me to think that I am exposing the dc's to abuse. I know all about the cycle of abuse and thought because I was not actually carrying out the abuse my self they are protected. I can see now that exposing them to my marriage is harmful.

Jux Wed 20-Mar-13 18:58:07

Crashmat, just imagine having a life where you are not walking on eggshells, where you don't have to appease anyone, where people treat you like an adult, where you are listened to, where others are interested in your opinion, where you can have a disagreement without worrying about being hit or punished in some sneaky way, where you can call yourself what you like on fb, where old bfs can look you up and you can just be friends, where if you need to go out with work then you just get a babysitter.....

The list is endless! Make it yours.

delilahlilah Wed 20-Mar-13 20:59:55

You can leave him, and he will not find you. You can put legal barriers up. Report anything he does, and keep records of everything. He's bound to say he won't be nice if you split to frighten you in to staying and doing what he wants.
You will find the war easier than you find your life now. Call women's aid, don't wait. Do this quickly, his lack of remorse is frightening.

OxfordBags Wed 20-Mar-13 21:11:24

OP, anyone who says a child is responsible for being sexually abused is not just emotionally abusive, but a foul, subhuman freak who is not fit to be part of decent society.

Re: your DC. Sadly, yes, by living in a home where their mother is abused so appallingly, they will grow up with no other model of how to behave in their own adult relationships. It's like training daughters to be abused and training sons to be abusers. You were abused and grew up to fall for an abuser and rapist (of you). Seeing their mother being abused is emotional abuse for a child - what hope for them to not internalise that as normal as you once did? Your love is not enough - the love of your family (even if it wasn't as good as the love you tive your DC) was not enough to stop you continuing the cycle. Just because they are not beingpbysically hurt in some way doesn't lessen the likelihood of them growing up to be abused or abusive.

The abuse is all his fault, but by staying, you become culpable of exposing them to abuse and all its terrible effects. This is perhaps the most cruel aspect of being abused, because the father's abuse of the mother emotionally abuses the children and the mother staying and taking the abuse is its own form of abuse too.

The way you live now appears to be true hell - surely leaving cannot be worse? This man is v dangerous if he doesn't even pretend to care that he's hurt you. He is a misogynist and v dangerous. He might well behave appallngly when you leave, but you can and must get loads of agencies behind you.

SucksToBeMe Wed 20-Mar-13 21:18:59

Lots of great advice here OP.

My mums best friend who had a abusive husband. This month twelve years ago he stabbed her 58 times,leaving her two beautiful sons without a mother.

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