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Should i just tell this woman to fu*k the fu*k off ??

(62 Posts)
StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 14:44:15

long story short -

Mum died last year, her and dad were married 30+yrs.

Dad has new 'girlfriend' #( i say girlfriend she is much older than him...)
Dad and new 'girlfriend' been together since xmas she wanted to come xmas day.... she didnt in the end.

Girlfriend has all but moved into to dads house - moved everything around put up her own photos (of her) and pictures etc...

She put up mothers day cards from her children (this is the first mothers day without our much loved mum and to come 'home' to find cards 'to my lovley mum' on the shelf was a big tipping point for me.

girlfriend is CONSTANTLEY touching my dad when we are around holding hands hugging kissing etc.

Girlfriend dosnt like dad seeing any of his friends especially females ones were his and mums friends people he has known for over 40 yrs....

other issues we have is that my brother has serverle learning difficuties he lives in residential care but is home once a fornight for the weekend - she has started interfering with his care and despite a letter from his psycologist suguesting he should have no contact with this woman for the time he is home she is there all the time.

We have tried speaking to my dad but he will not listen the problems with my brother are brushed off as he is missing mum.....

Dad will not listen and seems to be under her spell completley
(mum was quite stong minded and he seems to have gone from one to another so he dosnt have to think for himself.

last straw i popped round home last night as on a monday dad sees mums nest friend (she is married and known dad 40+yrs) my sister was there as well and i had a lovley evening giggerling with her and my sister while girlfriend say on the floor and 'read' her book whilst periodically leaning up to touch dad who was on sofa...

I had 15 missed calls from my dad this morning i thouight somone had died.... no it turns out xxxxx felt really left out last night and unwelcolme and we had all done this to her ( we didnt intentially exclude her she chose not to join in with our sillyness ;)

I just want to tell this woman to fuck off -- i think that sadley my dad would chose her over me and his grandchildren so not even worth me talking to him i have tried and he just dosnt listen.

sorry for the long post this is really upsetting me and i needed to get it all down xxx

INeverSaidThat Tue 19-Mar-13 15:50:52

My DBILs wife first died when she was about 30. It was expected and DBIL was distraught as you would expect. He said he was going to give himself a good few years breathing space before even thinking about dating. He ended up meeting a girl less than 9 months later. He married her, quite quickly, and has been extremely happy ever since.

We were all delighted for him. He was an adult and was quite capable of making his own decisions. (Just like the OP's Dad)

Noone, including his first wife's family with who remains close, thought he was 'replacing' his first wife with a new one. We would have all found that a very offensive suggestion.

My DBIL's love for his second wife does not 'lessen' his love or memories of his first wife.

fedupofnamechanging Tue 19-Mar-13 15:58:42

I'm with expat on this. I think your dad is behaving shamefully and showing no sensitivity at all to the fact that you have just lost your mother, that your brother is vulnerable. He owes you far more, as your parent, than he is delivering - it's all about him and sod what you are going through.

The woman sounds like a leech and I would be inclined to tell them both to fuck off.

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 15:59:00

Thanks for taking the time to reply

To clarify some points she hasn't' officially moved in as it were just never seems to leave has her own key and comes and go's

The residential staff at my brothers home have expressed concerns over my brothers behaviour he is usually chatty and relaxed he is now becoming violent and aggressive towards staff so much so his position in his house is threatened. The staff are fantastic and have been talking to him about things and he is upset that this woman sleeps in his mum's bed and is there all the time at his annual review it was said that it would be better if this woman isn't around when my brother is home fortnightly sat afternoon to sun afternoon but she has started going with dad to collect him and drop him off .

I asked dad about her and if he thought she was moving in on the sly but he said no ans he was thinking of asking her to and asked my opion ( I told him it was too soon but ultimately his choice)

He is currently redoing his will after mum died (may) it is complicated as provisions need to be made for my brother.

I feel as though I have lost my bright sparky dad and he seems to have aged about 20 years and is constantly phoning me to ask about how my sister feels about xxxxxx and never just to chat or to tell me the last time I came round xxxxxx felt ignored left out etc... all about her

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 16:14:26

Just to add the girlfriend has her own house ( why couldn't she put the cards up there) she also has a husband ( separated) who apparently lives in the shed at the bottom of the garden - a mutual friend of the same hobby. Let this one slip a while ago.

Friend of family just phoned to say she has asked dad out for dinner alone tomorrow to talk about this and thinks it will probably be thw end of a very long friendship but feels she owed it to my mum to bring my dad up on his behaviour especially towards my brother. She called to make sure I would still stay in touch

expatinscotland Tue 19-Mar-13 16:31:56

He has a duty to his son, your brother. It's different if there were no children, but there are, a very vulnerable one, too.

I'd work with your brother but start distancing myself from a father who can't put aside his grief to buck up for his disabled son. I know all about grief, how crushing it is, having lost not a spouse but my child. But, as I still have two other young children, it can't be All About Me and loneliness and all that crap.

Viviennemary Tue 19-Mar-13 16:36:28

I think I'd probably feel the same in your situation. Nevertheless it's up to your Dad how he leads his life and you will just have to let him get on with it. If you love your Dad there is no point in cutting him out of your life over this.

TSSDNCOP Tue 19-Mar-13 16:44:47

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum OP.

With the absolute exception of the way your brother is effected though I think you're behaving in a way that's only going to cause more aggro. The part about you all giggling actually made my toes curl.

Maybe if you could meet your dad a bit more toward halfway, you'll get the most important message concerning your DB across more effectively.

Megatron Tue 19-Mar-13 16:50:44

OP I went through exactly the same as you a couple of years ago. My beloved mum died and my dad was totally devastated, they'd been married for 52 years. He developed a 'friendship' with one of their friends who had also lost her husband and my sister and I found it incredibly difficult at the time, we felt like she was trying to replace our mum.

We did talk to dad about it and explained how we felt but I think he was so distressed with grief and guilt about having feelings towards another woman it was awful. I loved my dad with all my heart and he died very shortly after we spoke about all this and although we never fell out over it I really wish I'd kept my mouth shut about the whole thing as all it did was upset him. Your dad is probably still grieving for your mum, as are you, perhaps just take a little step back and just be there for each other when you are needed.

Megatron Tue 19-Mar-13 16:51:33

Sorry, I meant to add that I think your dad MUST take the advice of your brother's care home seriously, that is an absolute must.

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:00:30

I know he must he just dosnt Any time me my sister or the care home try to talk to him about thishe clams up and says he is reacting to grieving for mum and that xxxxxx isn't a problem and they get along well ( brother has no choice in this as she is always there)

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:05:23

We are worried this woman is putting his care home place ( we fought for years to find him this great local place) at risk and are also concerned that one day he may have an outburst around this woman and she will not have any clue as to how to handle him he is 37 and a big chap.

She has a relative who has downs and is independent so says she knows all about brotherbit reality is she has no clue and if goes into one if she stands in his way he will hurt her. Not intentionally but he will shove he out the way and can be quite scary

Katnisscupcake Tue 19-Mar-13 17:09:05

I would say to be a little bit careful OP...

My wonderful paternal GM died of a stroke when she was only 54. My Dad and GD were devestated, as were my Dad's twin Brother and Sister.

Very quickly my GD met and married another woman, literally within months, that my Dad and his Sister disliked immensely. She was a very wealthy widow and she clearly loved him but (potentially) like in your situation, she very quickly turned my GD against his whole family.

My GD died about 10 years ago. Luckily I had moved (for work) to a location fairly near to him in the Midlands and had started to see him. His wife was very nice to me but also very clever. I'm not a confrontational person and I'm embarassed to admit that I didn't really get what she was up to as she slowly poured poison into me about my DM and how she had (apparently) destroyed the relationship that my GD had with my DF, something that had never even been hinted at before. My GD became very sick with cancer and I managed to arrange for my DF to come and see him before he died.

He brought my DM with him and I still smile when I remember DParents walking into GD's house and him hugging them both so warmly. It was the last time my DF ever saw his Dad.

But I strongly believe that even though the woman had tried her best to destroy my DF's relationship with GD, in the end, blood won through and I will always be so happy that I got them together one last time before he died.

So, I guess my message is, no matter how hard it seems, never lose touch with your Dad over this. Because you may end up in a situation where you are apart permanently.

My DF happened to write to one of my Cousin's on FB (before he really grasped that he was writing on her wall for everyone to see hmm), after she'd fallen out with her Mum (my Auntie) that she should make it up because he will always regret the time that he didn't speak to his DF.

Don't let it be you...

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:10:05

I will speak to cruise thanks for the link

My mum would be devastated to see him act now. Most of her family no longer see him as he won't go anywhere without her and they are mot ready to meet new woman yet
dad didn't either bother to go to a family funeral

expatinscotland Tue 19-Mar-13 17:16:53

Oh, I'd lose touch with my dad over this. It would turn my stomach, to find him so weak that he wouldn't make my brother top priority. My brother's well-being is paramount. That's what happens when you have a disabled child, or a young child, you have to put their interests first, at least for a while, when they have suffered such a bereavement. But I'd tell him this, too, how disappointed I was in him, to find him such a weakling. And then I'd walk out and seek to become power of attorney for my brother so I could look after him as obviously Dad's need for a bedwarmer was more important than he.

I really would. Grief is dire. I understand that completely. But when you have young children or a learning disabled child like this an adult knows damn well that bringing in a new warm body before their parent is even cold in the grave is going to fuck the kids up.

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:17:19

I love my dad I just can't find anything or actions to like about this woman I have tried she is not very bright or very bright and pretends to be stupid ( I am leaning towards the second) she keeps pick up and kissing my young children despite me asking her several times ot too. And telling them that she loves them ( they had met her twice before) She has done one better or had worse about everything it

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:20:29

Is just so so hard to be around her if she is not centre of attention all the time .. My dad calls me the following day to ask what the problem is etc.... as I said he looks like he had aged 20 years and lost all his spark I am worried about losing him too sad

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 19-Mar-13 17:31:24

Your Dad did not attend a family funeral?. Was this funeral on your late mother's side of the family?. He may well not have attended because she did not want him to go. She seems intent on cutting him off completely from his late wife's family and by turn yourselves.

Your Dad doesn't get it at all does he?. He has put her about everything and everyone else. He does not have to act like a muse to his svengali figure, he made a choice throughout.

Think he is also deep in denial re his son. Have you directly spoken to his care home staff without either your Dad or his lady friend present?. If not I would arrange such a meeting asap.

I would also keep your children at a greater distance as well as she is refusing to accept any boundaries you set with regards to your children.

Lavenderhoney Tue 19-Mar-13 17:35:33

I think it's very hard but your df has found a person who makes him happy at the moment. It's very quick, but people deal with things in different ways. I wish my dm had found someone after my df died tbh, she was very very lonely after being married for almost 50 years. Occasional visits from family were lovely but constant companionship is a massive thing to miss. It's not replacement, in my eyes. She just said she was too old and all the men her age were too grumpy.

About your brother - could just you and your dad go for a meeting at the home where your db is? Then your df can speak alone to the manager or with you there as well. Then your dad may be inclined to see your db alone or whatever is best for your brother as discussed with a professional. Your dad could also take his gf along to see the professional too, after his initial visit so she understands the distress and no matter how much she is prepared to spend the weekend with your db, it is too much for him, and he is part of the package that comes with your dad. So she will have to stay away those weekends.

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:35:34

It was my aunts partners funeral ( mums sisters partner) she was with him for 13 years he was lovely dad knew him well and all mums family was there.

Me and sis are constantly in contact with care home as they simply cannot discuss anything with my dad the staff are great and are also quite shocked at dads behaviour

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:38:18

We have just had brothers annuall review ( Mr dad and sis went) the were lots of reports about brothers behaviour andstratagies to move forward with it... He sat there and listened to staff speak but don't think he heard anything... He took the reports home but I doubt he had read them

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 17:41:08

Thanks expat sums it all up really

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 19-Mar-13 17:51:37

His lady friend has probably encouraged your Dad also not to read them.

Have you yourself had an opportunity to read these reports from your brother's care home?.

Presumably your sister is just as upset, confused and angry as well over her Dad's behaviours.

AllOverIt Tue 19-Mar-13 17:51:57

Sorry you're going through this OP. Nothing to add really just that have my sympathy . It sounds like a horrible situation.

She sounds like a nasty piece of work. I was going to say YABU, but the fact that she put her cards up in his house when she has her own, and her interfering in your DB's care, she sounds like she's a manipulative cow bag sad

Lilyloo Tue 19-Mar-13 17:54:55

Hi op very sorry to hear about your mum. I can totally sympathise as I am in a similar situation myself.
My dad met his partner a couple of years after we lost my mum. They have bought a house together and she is constantly on at my dad to sell his house, whilst she 'rents' hers to her son.
She is very difficult and on the few occasions we have been invited round she has made it difficult by choosing to sit on her own, go in another room as you describe so she can tell my dad afterwards how left out she feels.
This culminated in me challenging my dad at Christmas that her behaviour makes everyone feel awkward. He says he will have a word then brings her round to my home to chastise me for 'being ignorant as stated by her dil who was there at Christmas.
Things are now so strained that I rarely see my dad, I find it very hard and in turn he rarely sees his grandchildren.
I think women like this are very clever and manipulative and if I had my time again I would have pointed this out to my dad much earlier.
As for what happened last night I would make a point of carrying on as you were. If you back off, as we did, it makes things much harder.
I do think they feel threatened by your relationship with your dad so try to break it down.
I really wish she could just accept the relationship between child / dad is a different entity.
As far as your brother is concerned could you have a meeting with your dad and his carers without his new partner and see if he will agree to a plan?

StinkyElfCheese Tue 19-Mar-13 18:07:48

She has said to dad that she is jealous of his relationship with friend ( was mums best friend) and has found a new hobby to do on the only night dads friend comes to see him. Fadbhas agreed to go out for dinner with old friend tomorrow she called us as she suspects it may not go well.....

We weren't being rude but we know and love mums friend like a special aunt and haven't seen her for a long time we always laugh alot. When were together it the first time I have felt comfortable in my dadd house for months

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