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Husband just told me its over

(35 Posts)
Georgebooboo Tue 19-Mar-13 02:13:44

I'm panicking .. I've got a five month old little boy and I've just returned to work after maternity leave. Things we me and my husband haven't been right since I was pregnant. For some reason he just changed . Now he says we just don't gel and we make each other miserable. He wants out!! I'm so scared.. All I wanted was to be a family but seems like that isn't good enough for him. I don't know how I will manage on my own. I still love him and I'm scared I won't be able to manage alone and financially. Please hold my hand x

TrickyTreeLou Sun 24-Mar-13 13:51:25

Agree with Angel, try not to spend too much time on your own during the first few days/weeks. You are in shock and you need company and people to talk to - or even someone to just sit and watch some TV with and to make you a cup of tea. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Also, remember to eat and drink. I know it's so hard, but you need to keep your strength up. Little and often is best.

I know you wonder now how you'll cope without him, but in a few months you will wonder how you coped with him.

It DOES get better, but you have to go through this shit bit first.

angel1976 Sun 24-Mar-13 09:41:22

Get all the support you can now from your close friends, this is the time you need them. My 'D'H dropped the bombshell our marriage is dead a month ago and he wants to leave (he is looking at flats nearby now). I am still reeling from the shock (he told me exactly a week ago that he cannot see us working ever again despite promising initially to work on it). I have had 3-4 close friends (including my next-door neighbour) whom I see almost on a daily basis and they are letting me vent and keeping some form of normality in my life and also distraction. You will get through this, and in six months' time, things will be much better (this is what a friend told me last night... And what I am holding on to).

Georgebooboo Sun 24-Mar-13 09:31:07

Thank u for all of your replies, it's been six days since he left and I think I'm still in shock . I really can't believe this has happened. I don't feel like I knew him at all. Anyone got any good advice about how to get through the next few weeks without going mad x

chocoreturns Fri 22-Mar-13 22:06:08

I second everything lou says, minimal contact, all in writing. Nothing by phone or text. Change your number if you need to, send a letter via solicitor letting him know that you are willing to discuss contact arrangements for your son (I know that sounds scary, but make sure it's all official, because it will help in the long run if you can).

I practised writing to my twunt. Letter 1: venting... Letter 2: removing all emotional content (ie everything that called him a bastard or said anything about my feelings)... Letter 3: Stripping it down again so that it was just the bare bones of fact. Contact is offered at XXX time in XXX venue. Please respond in writing to confirm. That kind of thing. It nearly bloody killed me but it's been for the best in the end. I've not had to apologise for a single damn thing and he's been shown up as a twunt of the highest order when he's not behaved as well.

He (and any OW should one crawl out of the woodwork at a later stage) are quite literally beneath your dignity.

TrickyTreeLou Fri 22-Mar-13 15:42:49

So sorry to hear you're going through this George.

My H walked out suddenly one day when I was at work. He 'couldn't do it anymore'. He subsequently told me (after days of lying) that he was living with his mistress who was 5 months pregnant. I had no idea he had been having an affair. Add to this I found out I was pregnant just after he left. He texted me say I should abort as it wasn't 'convenient'.

I am now 39 1/2 weeks pregnant, facing birth and parenthood on my own (with help from family and friends of course). STBXH, who I was with for 10 years, has said he doesn't want to know anything about the child for the next few months as it would be upsetting to his current partner.

This is not how I imagined my life would be. I'm scared and there's been some shit points. But I've figured it's best that I'm better off without such a bastard in my life and in the life of my unborn son.

You deserve SO much better and I'm sending you lots of good wishes. I've had amazing support on MN (some of it I've really not wanted to hear at times), and I would recommend you post on here as often as possible to get things off your chest. I would also advocate no or minimal contact with you H, it has worked for me - stops them screwing with you mind.

Look after yourself. thanks

pod3030 Fri 22-Mar-13 09:03:47

Set bounderies straight away- it makes you the one in control. demand the key, pack his stuff up and leave it outside if he won't collect it. cut him off at the root.

I second concentrating on practical stuff, benefits you may be entitled to, making an appt with solicitor, etc.

also, be kind to yourself. you are doing great and you will get through this. better to find out what a fw he is now when ds is small, than when he's got more understanding of the situation . x

MissPricklePants Fri 22-Mar-13 09:02:03

Ah this was me a few years ago. dd was 16 weeks when my ex left (for the 3rd and final time) I hope you are coping ok, I went into autopilot and was a mess for a while. He can contact you if he wants, just focus on your baby and yourself. You will get through this.

Georgebooboo Fri 22-Mar-13 08:55:25

Thanks for all the support. I managed a day at work yesterday , didn't get much done but everyone was really supportive. He was supposed to collect all of his things yesterday and leave the key but he hasn't . He's been left lots of things and not left the key. Prolonging the crap

PureQuintessence Thu 21-Mar-13 09:33:07

Poor you. What a shit.

Have you thought about seeing a solicitor?

zippey Thu 21-Mar-13 09:25:11

I would try and be as practical as possible and it might help keep your mind off things. I would try not to contact him either, and show him how strong you are. If he wants to contact you, he knows where you are.

Just don't understand how he could just walk out on me and my little boy - he has done it before with his previous relationship and children so he has form.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 21-Mar-13 08:23:08

I'd recommend you actually carry on with your normal routine best you can and don't take time off. Having to keep it together so that you can do your work, IME at least, gives you a bit of time off the misery and I think that's healthy to have a diversion. If you stay home sobbing and wallowing I think you'll feel worse rather than better.

He can't destroy you if you refuse to let him.

DaydreamDolly Thu 21-Mar-13 05:36:05

I'm so sorry. My exH left me for another woman when my youngest DC was 6 months old. Again, I think it was the responsibility of family life and the change in me since having DC that made him do this. Selfish bastards men can be sometimes.
Here to old your hand and support you. You will get through it but the next few weeks will be dark, I'm not going to lie. See your gp, have a break from work for a while until you cAn function again. Do practical things re finances and shock him that you're taking control.
Do get in touch if you need to. I am 6 months on and in such a happy place, most of the time!

Astelia Thu 21-Mar-13 00:46:00

You poor thing, this sounds awful. As AF says (and she is usually right) it sounds like there is an OW in the picture.

I too would suggest trying to tell someone at work in confidence what is going on. Any right minded colleague will be devastated for you and you may well find a lot of support available.

It might feel embarrassing but surely it is better to get some sympathy and support at the moment?

tallwivglasses Thu 21-Mar-13 00:34:23

No point in trying to understand, it just screws you up. He's not the man you thought he was. Best you found out now rather than years later. Is there anyone sympathetic at work you can talk to? Maybe you could work from home for a bit?

Georgebooboo Wed 20-Mar-13 21:12:02

Thankyou all for your kind messages, I am such a mess at the moment but I hope time will be a good healer. I know I shouldn't worry about taking time off work but I only went back off maternity a few days ago so don't feel able to take more time off. My mind is just playing tricks on me at the moment and I'm imagining horrible things going on with him and other people. Just don't understand how he could just walk out on me and my little boy .

LadyApricot Wed 20-Mar-13 20:45:23

Good advice above. You WILL get through this and someone much nicer and worthy could be just around the corner! Stay positive about your future.

zippey Wed 20-Mar-13 20:40:59

Congratulations on your new baby and Im sorry this is happening to you. I dont think it matters if there is another woman or not, whats done is done and you need to look after yourself and your new baby. You also say he has children from a previous relationship. Did he leave them in similar circumstances?

You could be right about a new addition making him feel uncomfortable. I would concentrate on you and the baby though and think about finances, him paying for support and getting support from your family and friends at this time.

chocoreturns Wed 20-Mar-13 20:38:21

PS you will be fine... today, just over a year later, my ex-stepFIL popped round and said his and exMIL are 'in awe' of how I am raising my boys. I never planned to have to do it, but you do, and you will, and you'll do it better than you ever could have done with a manchild to run after as well xx I'm happy to hand hold via PM too if you need any advice or a virtual hug

chocoreturns Wed 20-Mar-13 20:36:24

When I was pg and my H left me for OW I got signed off sick from work. I explained to a sympathetic manager that I was experiencing a family trauma (you don't have to say what, but if you can, it's not that bad I found they were very supportive). I also had a note from my GP to support a medical absence (stress is reason enough to be signed off for a short while).

I managed to drag my ass out of bed to get my DS (then 16/17mo) off to nursery and once he was there I had at least half a day to fall apart get my shit organised, figure out what I was going to do and sob myself sick get some emotional release.

Please tell your friends, go see your doctor for a sick note for work. Shock and stress should cover you for at least 2-3 weeks, and in that time you may find you feel (not exactly better, but) as if you can cope a little more. You may also know more about WTAF is going on.

onenutshortofasnickers Wed 20-Mar-13 20:28:49

Generally speaking I would be looking out for the OW.

If he can act like this you are better off without him, trust me.

You will cope and it will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, you aren't at the end.

You didn't deserve this. You didn't deserve him and neither does your lo. you both deserve better- he deserves none of you time, focus or energy.

You will come out better for this. it will be okay in the end.

Georgebooboo Wed 20-Mar-13 19:49:01

Thank you all for your replies, I know something isn't right and I did think it could be another woman although it breaks my heart thinking about it. It's been two days and no contact to check if we are ok. Does anyone have any advice on how to get through this when u can't just curl up and cry for a few weeks x

CATSNDOGS Tue 19-Mar-13 09:03:24

i cant speak from personal experience but i do know how sad a situation like yours is as ive seen the effects in reality. it makes you question everything and draining on your emotions.

you need to stay strong and start thinking about being on your own as you can't change someone's mind.

you may never get the full truth from him.

right now he will be trying to maintain his public persona and reputation of being "not a bad guy" to work mates and friends.

whilst it is so hard, being over emotional in front of him will not change his position in the slightest. he is sleeping soundly, he has let go of the marriage otherwise he'd be in turmoil too.

you have to start thinking about your finances and get all the financial assistance you can from him and from benefits you are entitled to have.

you may think its too early for sorting out benefits/ legal things but even if there was a reconciliation, a divorce could be stopped depending on the stage its reached.

im sure others will give you great advice.

purplewithred Tue 19-Mar-13 08:54:31

You will manage. Take a deep breath and focus on yourself and ds, do what you need to and nothing more, and pull in help from everyone who offers it. Asking for help is part of good management. flowers and concentrate on you.

pictish Tue 19-Mar-13 08:44:07

Sounds like he's got someone else on the go. I'm so sorry either way. xxxx

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 19-Mar-13 08:41:49

Agree with AF that 'we don't gel' is far too often a euphemism for 'I've got someone else'.

Do get some RL support from friends and family. You may not think you can cope but, speaking as someone who has been a lone parent since birth, it is far easier to manage when you are calling all the shots than if you have some miserable bastard ruining the experience.

Good luck

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