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Husband's affair - I'm completely broken, please help

(446 Posts)
Janeysbroken Mon 18-Mar-13 20:16:55

I found out last week that my DH of 22 years has been having an affair. It was with a woman he met online who is also married and ten years younger than me. I found out when her husband knocked on our door at midnight and told me, in a rage. Our 20 year old son heard everything and is inconsolable. When the husband had gone my DH told me he'd already finished the affair a few weeks earlier, he was drunk and it meant nothing. I was shocked and angry and unbelievably sad but he works away a lot and it's something I'd always feared. He swore it was the first time he'd been unfaithful in the 24 years we've been together.

The next morning I was burning up with anger and asked him to leave. I went out. He then phones me to tell me the OW has turned up at our house wanting to apologise and is demanding to speak to me. I was so livid I went home and grabbed his phone and called her. I told her he wasn't leaving, neither was I and he was drunk and she meant nothing to him. What followed has broken me.

She was obviously enraged by this. And told me the truth. He loved her, he hasn't finished it, had been meeting at hotels for four months, he said she was love of his life. Thousands and thousands of FB messages. To cut a long story short me and DH ended up driving down to their house that night as both me and OW needed answers from DH.

We all talked for almost two hours. He admitted he loved her, had told her she was love of his life, best friend and soulmate. He'd told her that morning that he loved her but couldn't leave because he has nowhere to go. He'd bought her presents. Talked to her almost constantly on FB for months. Said he was unhappy, I'm boring, our sex life is rubbish. But because i now knew he told her it had to stop and he's staying with me. She was crying and devastated. He'd told her we were just friends now and he hasn't felt anything more than friendship for me for over a decade. He was clearly besotted with her. And she with him.

I was having panic attacks. Can't eat. Want to kill her, him, myself. She showed me a FB message where he called me a boring twat. I thought we'd had a lovely day that day - we'd even had sex. He took her to a hotel the day after.

She refused to stop contacting him. Threatening to tell our 19 year old daughter (who still doesn't know) and his boss, which would get him sacked as he took her to hotels on fake business trips on expenses. I made it clear he couldn't ever speak to her again and was feeling physically like I might die. She then texts to say she's pregnant. Her husband phoned going mad as he says it's impossible it's his, it's my DH's.

My DH is, to his credit refusing to speak to her and has told her to have an abortion and never contact us again. Her husband phoned pleading for him to speak to her as she's slashed all her arms with a razor over the guilt of having to face an abortion. But I've told him I'll kill myself if he speaks to her again. Our son hates him. Our life is shattered and I'm destroyed.

I can't bear to think he loved her so much. It was plainly obvious. He claims not to now and I know he isn't in contact with her. Could he really have fallen out of love with her in the space of 24 hours? They'd just come back from a hotel when her husband found out and came to our house. I don't know what to do or think. I'm grieving and love him. I'm 48 and don't work or drive. I have nothing without him. He's my life. Please, please help me.

Janeysbroken Mon 18-Mar-13 21:03:02

I wouldn't let him talk to her. I just couldn't. And still won't. She'll try and take him away. I can't stand the thought of them having any contact.

She is pregnant. Her husband was distraught. Made her do a test. She said she didn't want me to find out and that's why she had to speak to my DH. Her and her DH have now split and she texted my husband saying she'd lost everything and is trying to cope with her two very young DCs and face an abortion on her own. I don't care. She deserves to. Look what she's done.

PureedGoodness Mon 18-Mar-13 21:05:13

You cannot seriously be thinking of staying with him

Snuppeline Mon 18-Mar-13 21:05:29

Gosh you poor thing! I can't begin to understand how you feel but can imagine you are in a very personal sort of hell. It is not your fault and it entierly of your 'd'h's making, don't let any of his excuses or the horrible things he has said about you make you think otherwise. To treat their spouses as they have and then to go further by rubbing dirt in your face is inexcusable.

If your daughter hasn't been told yet I think she should be told. At 19 she is more than old enough to be treated as an adult and she will most likely be picking up on the atmosphere in the house. I can only imagine that she would be furious and very hurt if she wasn't told either. After all isn't she part of your family and deserve to be treated as such. Also, she can also no longer be used as a threat if she knows (OW threatening). Your dh will have to live with the consequences of what he has done and that includes a broken relationship with his children. It could also be the end of his career by the sounds of things (fradulent expence claims).

Whether the pregnancy is real or not neither you or your husband should push for a termination. I am sure it will be very hard but try to rise above the tacky business of the OW and her supposed pregnancy. Let your husband figure this one out on his own.

For your own sake show your husband out the door and focus on your lovely children and yourself for now. And make sure you have support from family and friends around you. I am sure they would all be rallying around you if they knew what you were going through.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Mar-13 21:06:10

Janey - but surely its up to him to stop all contact, and to make this choice freely? Its not going to work if you have to tell him what he can do/can't do and monitor his behaviour. The only person who can control his behaviour is HIM.

Save your anger for HIM - he is the one who made his vows to you, he is the one who promised to love, honour and cherish you.

CardinalRichelieu Mon 18-Mar-13 21:08:50

'She'll try and take him away'

He is a person and an adult. He won't go to her unless he wants to. You are not scared that she will 'take him away' - you're scared that he'll go to her. The more you try to cling on the faster he will realise he can use the threat of leaving you for her to manipulate you. You will end up in the worse position when he is the one who had the affair. The only option is to say 'there's the door'

Chubfuddler Mon 18-Mar-13 21:10:11

Janey I completely understand that you're devastated but she hasn't done this by herself. The jolene stereotype of the wily temptress stealing away a good man is never seldom true. He's your husband. He had a duty to you. He betrayed you. Be angry - with him.

It's not true to say you have nothing without him. You have your children. They need you.

Your husband sounds like an incredibly cold selfish man. Truly it sounds as if you'll be better off without him. How could you ever trust him again? I couldn't. It would drive me mad.

CATSNDOGS Mon 18-Mar-13 21:10:25

Janey, forget about OW. she's not all at fault, your H too. You should be more angry with him than her, sure she is low and nasty but your husband has behaved in the most vile and despicable way towards you.

badinage Mon 18-Mar-13 21:11:16

She's suffering her own consequences. Your husband needs to suffer his.

I hope she won't want anything to do with such a spineless, cruel man and that she's got more dignity than to have anything further to do with him.

You need to find your dignity too. Let him go. He's not worthy of a relationship with either of you.

Midwife99 Mon 18-Mar-13 21:12:21

What a bloody awful thing to go through. BUT you are blaming the OW for this not your DH!! She wasn't married to you, he was. It's his fault. He betrayed you. He's only backtracking now because he doesn't want to lose his home. You need to realise that he will change his mind again. Soon.

CleopatrasAsp Mon 18-Mar-13 21:13:10

I'm so sorry, you don't deserve this but why do you want to be with this man. He said he doesn't love you and that he loves this woman - if this is true, how can it be good for your self esteem to stay with him?

Skinnywhippet Mon 18-Mar-13 21:17:54

Everyone is telling you to leave, but that doesn't have to be the only option. If you want to fight for your marriage then do that. I don't know you, but I do not that some marriages will be able to recover from this. You need to sit down and talk to him, perhaps go away together. He obviously had/ has a lot of feelings for this woman, but they were in those heady first flush of a relationship. Who is to know whether it would have lasted. Don't give up just yet.

pooka Mon 18-Mar-13 21:18:51

No - look what he has done to you.

You mustn't see him as a prize, as something to win.

He is a cunt. He has lied to you, lied to her, had unprotected sex with her, told her he will not support her in dealing with the pregnancy, to get an abortion.

He is worthless. Definitely not worth your love. Definitely undeserving of another chance.

Really - he is scum. By all mean be angry with the OW. But don't lose sight of the fact that he is the one who is married to you and so he is the one who has betrayed you.

birdofthenorth Mon 18-Mar-13 21:20:11

"To his credit" he's ignoring her and suggesting an abortion? I had to read this sentence several times to check I hadn't misread! I realise you are going through sheer hell, shock, and grief. But him behaving despicably to the OW will not make this go away.

You don't need to make any decisions right now about staying with him or not. You just need to take some time, be kind to yourself, begin to digest what has happened. See a doctor, especially if you are genuinely feeling suicidal.

I'm very sorry you are going through this.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 21:20:19

Chuck him out. If he goes to her you will probably have saved yourself from a lifetime of further fear and distrust, because you will have the answer to your question.

Rip the plaster off, honey. A man that can treat women like this (and I mean both you women) is worthless. Worthless.

Get the STI test booked. With some luck, it might kickstart your anger. Or at least direct it towards the most worthy recipient of it...him.

Chubfuddler Mon 18-Mar-13 21:22:31

If - IF - you really want him begging is not going to do it. As the wonderful cogito said on another thread, to understand what he has done he needs to feel the cold clammy hand of loss around his throat. He is laughing at the moment - two women tearing themselves apart over him. He's jack the fucking lad. So if you want him, you throw him out. You tell him he has to organise relate for the pair of you. He must have STI tests, and so must you. He must talk to your children, apologise to them, and explain. And he must do the running with you.

And if he can't be arsed to do that - why do you want him?

Strangemagic Mon 18-Mar-13 21:22:36

The OW is not your problem,the problem is your husband,how can you even look at him,he disgusts me and I'm not married to him.Possibly your marriage will tick over for a few more years and then it will happen again and your self respect will be on the floor.

Janeysbroken Mon 18-Mar-13 21:24:20

I've known him since we were at school. We grew up together. I can't be without him now. We have slept in separate rooms for years and rarely have sex. Maybe it is my fault?

He told her all we do is go shopping and watch telly. That I'm set in my ways and no fun. We don't go to the pub etc. They went out drinking and clubbing. He also told her repeatedly that he fell in love with her at first sight and fell deeper every day. That meeting her was the best thing that had ever happened to him. They took her 3 year old son out together. I've seen all this in the FB messages she showed me and valentine card/birthday card. He bought her jewellery and books. I'm so jealous I could scream and never stop.

VitoCorleone Mon 18-Mar-13 21:25:15

I can see the pain in your posts sad do you really want to stay with somebody who has caused you this much pain?

I knoe you dont want to kick him out because you know he will go to her and it would break your heart, but can you ever forgive him for this? Can you ever trust hin again?

For what he's put you through he doesnt deserve your forgivness or trust, he is a fucking prick and you deserve so much fucking better than this.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Mar-13 21:27:05

I'm with Chub.

LOSS is the only thing that motivate cheaters. The more you fight for him, the less chance you have of getting him back.

Your ONLY chance of getting him to beg for a second chance and mean it is to tell him you have decided its over (even if its for a while but don't tell him) and that you want space to think things over.

Only then will he might realise what he is losing.

VitoCorleone Mon 18-Mar-13 21:28:33

And no its NOT your fault.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Mar-13 21:29:23

It sounds like things weren't great if you had separate rooms - but still he had the choice to sort things out with you, insist on relate etc. He chose not to and instead had an affair.

badinage Mon 18-Mar-13 21:30:14

This might have been an unsatisfying marriage for him. But if it was, he had the responsibility to discuss this with you, suggest counselling if you weren't both capable of sorting it out and then if nothing changed, to leave the marriage.

That's what grown-ups do.

He did not have the right to have an affair, to steal from his company, risk your financial survival, impregnate another woman and denigrate you so savagely to her.

You have no responsibility or blame for those actions at all.

Chubfuddler Mon 18-Mar-13 21:30:37

Why can't you be without him? How can you bear to be with someone who treats you like this?

I bet you think it's easy for us to say. Let me tell you six weeks ago I left my husband. I am 34. We have been together since I was 19. Married for twelve years. I was barely an adult when I met him. I left him because I had to. He was violent and cruel and I was afraid social services might get involved (he was no threat to our children at all but they were becoming aware of the way he treated me). Did I want my marriage to turn out that way? Fuck no. Should I have stayed? Fuck no.

Seriously. Get some self respect. Because he doesn't have any for you.

DragonMamma Mon 18-Mar-13 21:31:04

Oh dear Janey, you sound absolutely broken. I would be.

But seriously - you have to calm down and think about this properly. He is a complete cunt for doing this to you. You can't live in fear of her 'taking him away', that's not how relationships work. People should only stay because they want to - he clearly doesn't.

You need to see a Dr asap, get some advice/medication that will help you think properly and get rid of this waste of space.

Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this? Looking over your shoulder to see whether the OW has lured him back, or whether some other woman has turned his head? That's no way to live, you know that deep down. He should ONLY stay with you because he loves and adores you - not because you've gone (quite rightly) banshee at all this coming out and him not having anywhere to go. If he has fallen for this woman, which does happen, then he isn't going to be able to turn those feelings off, nor will you ever be able to forgive or forget the awful, horrible things he's said about you and your marriage to the OW.

My heart breaks for you, I can see the hurt pouring out of you when you post but really, you are hanging on by a thread to a man that isn't worth the turmoil and hurt you'll go through trying to hang on to him

whethergirl Mon 18-Mar-13 21:33:38

I am absoloutley gobsmacked, what an awful ordeal for you. But this isn't your mess. It's theirs. Let them clean it up or make it worse, the more involved you get now the worse you'll feel.

The thought of having a happy future without your husband seems impossible. But it's not. It just feels like that right now, and you can let this drag on for months and months, it will wear you down and drain every bit of life out of you. And do you think, the end result of all this, will be that you'll live happily ever after? After all he's done, do you think you'll ever be able to look him in the face and forget?

Or you can save yourself months and possibly years of sadness, and a happy future will happen sooner. You can not be happier living with a man like this. I know this sounds so harsh now, but in years to come you'll look back on this and know it to be true. You will go through heartache, your life will be turned upside down - all because of him - but you WILL get through it and you will thank yourself for giving yourself a chance of happiness.

It feels impossible. It feels as if your future is ruined. It's not. Remember, this is how you are feeling right now (how he has made you feel), it's not what will actually happen.

I would not want to be a near a man like your dh. To treat two women so atrociously, not to mention the impact on his kids....I have no words for him right now actually.

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