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How to confront my cheating husband now I have collected evidence?

(57 Posts)
unknownfuture Mon 18-Mar-13 12:46:12

I posted a couple of weeks ago as had read texts that confirmed my suspicions that my H was having an affair. Thanks to some great advice on here I managed to get screen shots emailed to me of the incriminating texts and have now seen a solicitor so I know my rights regarding childcare etc.

I am certain I want to divorce. My husband is working away all week and so Saturday is going to be when I have the conversation.

How should I handle this? Do I ask him if he is cheating first and see what he reveals or should I simply lay all my cards on the table and say I know you are cheating as I have this evidence? What he says is a little immaterial as I cannot see any other excuse for the texts.

He is not physically abusive but can be quite emotionally abusive towards me and I am frightened that he will somehow manage to wriggle out of it and persuade me to stay when I really don't want to.

Hence coming here for advice as to how to handle The Talk

purplewithred Mon 18-Mar-13 12:49:15

Do you have an exit plan? Are you expecting him to leave afterwards while you stay at home or what?

Tortington Mon 18-Mar-13 12:51:08

so you have your finances and housing sorted etc?

fieldfare Mon 18-Mar-13 12:54:31

Do you have everything prepared?
Financial info, passports, birth certs, pension info, is your housing situation secure, car in your name etc?

Once everything is in hand then how you handle it is up to you. If you're not interested in what he has to say I'd simply say that you've found out and a divorce is the consequence and ask him to move out.

ChocolateCoins Mon 18-Mar-13 12:55:49

I would be tempted to ask him if he had been cheating, just to see what his reaction is and if he tries to lie or not.

If you've decided on divorce, don't let him emotionally bully you into giving him another chance. Good luck op!

unknownfuture Mon 18-Mar-13 12:58:43

Kind of an exit plan. Finances aren't an issue as we have separate accounts anyway and I have plenty savings and a good job.

I want to move out with DD as there are too many memories in our house (plus it feels like 'his' house). Just want a fresh start really.

I've seen a couple of houses that are in my price range but I haven't seen a mortgage advisor or anything. I thought I couldn't really do that until I've told H that we're divorcing. I'd hate it if he found out that I know. At the moment I feel like I can do things my way for the first time ever.

I was planning on telling him that I want a divorce and that he needs a solicitor. Don't really want any of his savings etc, just some of our house value (about a third would make life comfortable for me). As our mortgage is so low he could increase the mortgage and give that to me as cash. I have enough savings I think for a deposit and then pay off more mortgage as money came available.

But I guess he's not going to make things easy on me is he? <sigh>

What else do I need to do? I've really struggled to hold my tongue these last 2 weeks and am desperate to confront asap.

Dahlen Mon 18-Mar-13 13:04:38

You don't need to have 'The Talk'. If you are clear that your feelings have changed and that you want out, all you owe him is to tell him just that and then leave. You do not have to listen to whining explanations for 'misconstrued' texts or how things will be different.

IF you don't want to wait until you're in a position to buy a new house because you're desperate to move on, why not consider rented accommodation as a short-term measure?

Good luck.

unknownfuture Mon 18-Mar-13 13:06:02

My car is in my name.

I know where the passports, birth certificates, marriage cert are but haven't 'got' them in case he noticed they'd moved.

Our pensions are separate.

Not fussed about his savings. Don't want to feel that I 'owe' him anything.

I am joint mortgage holder with him though although he has made every payment. But I have paid electrics/gas/phone bill. We've married 10years. I never thought we'd split so never bothered to pay things equally.

Sillyoldbagpus Mon 18-Mar-13 13:09:47

Whether you have payed equal amounts or not I would expect that you would be entitled to half of the house value?

Tortington Mon 18-Mar-13 13:31:12

take half the house - think of it this way

he could re-marry and the house value could go to other children and not your child.

take what your entitled to - if he thinks its unfair - perhaps he should have kept his penis in his pants?

Tortington Mon 18-Mar-13 13:31:20

and thought of his family

Tortington Mon 18-Mar-13 13:32:19

I wouldn't have a conversation. I would sort out a rented place, for when he returns, and instruct my solicitor to deal with anything else - house sale etc.

my dh would be dead to me, no hesitation

lunar1 Mon 18-Mar-13 13:40:41

If you have absolute proof I would just arrange a new house and tell him when your ready to move, don't give him any power. Half that house is yours make sure you get every penny you are owed you never know what's around the corner.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Mar-13 14:03:57

If you have decided that that's it and because of his abusive nature, I would do everything I can to have finances etc in place.

I would have someone else in the house just in case and have his things packed, ready for him to take away.

This link will help with arrangements:
surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/separation-and-divorce-advice-and-links.html

Flisspaps Mon 18-Mar-13 14:08:00

I would do what Lunar and Custardo say - you've got a week, I'd use that time to arrange rented accommodation and get things straight.

If your aim is not to say in the marital home anyway, then I'd be off straight away, rather than waiting for him to come back, him move out, then you move out and him move back in.

Wossname Mon 18-Mar-13 14:29:39

If you have your own money, don't want to stay in the house, have evidence of his cheating and are frightened of him manipulating you into letting it go- present him with a done deal. Arrange somewhere for you and your daughter to live, take passports and birth certs, etc. Get support in place so people know you've left and that you'll need help of some sort.

Then take your stuff, leave, and let solicitors deal with him.

Itwasallfornothing Mon 18-Mar-13 14:34:41

Personally I would like to see him squirm when asked if he was having an affair then when (and if) he tried to deny it I would present him with the evidence. It wouldn't change anything - if my husband/partner had been intimate with someone else then I could never go back, I could never forget. Has he ever known that you've suspected something? I would, however, have already done everything previous posters have suggested. Rent a house, have your daughter out of the house and have everything in order - then leave with your head held high! It's not easy but I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship and I can guarantee that the grass definitely IS greener on the other side.

celebmum Mon 18-Mar-13 14:36:25

feel a bit hesitant putting this but i think you should hear him out. is there a chance you could be wrong? i would feel i owe it to my dd and my marriage to at least hear what he has to say.

im sorry this has happened to you op.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 18-Mar-13 14:52:11

Missed the bit that you want to move out. In that case, I would pack your stuff and move out if I can - esp the more valuable things that he may destroy out of spite and anger.

celebmum - he is an abuser as well as a cheater, I very much doubt OP will want to stay.

morethanpotatoprints Mon 18-Mar-13 15:19:36

OP I have never experienced this and I am so sorry you are having to.

I have heard friends talking about what their x's have done post break up though.
Please listen to the good advice others have given and double/triple check there is nothing he can do to financially harm you and your dds future.
Even though he is totally in the wrong I imagine he loves you and that may turn to anger when he knows what he has lost. I don't mean towards you physically but he will almost try emotional stuff.

Good luck OP get your new house in order and leave him to it.

badinage Mon 18-Mar-13 15:19:51

If you're going to divorce (and as he's abusive, hooray for that) then confronting him about the cheating and hearing some sob story is immaterial and unnecessary.

So I'd get all your ducks lined up in a row and just make it a statement of fact. You're leaving him because you're sick of the emotional abuse and that his current affair has killed any feelings you had for him, so you will be divorcing him.

If you think there's any chance that you could get talked out of it, don't give him the opportunity.

Ledkr Mon 18-Mar-13 15:23:26

Must admit I'd just be gone when he came back. If you know he's cheating then sod him you owe him nothing.
What a string woman you are.
I also split as soon as I fiound out. I can't be wasting my precious time on a selfish arsehole.
Good luck

Mondrian Mon 18-Mar-13 15:40:58

If you are 100% certain on divorce then you should sort everything out while he is away, pack up, move out and just leave him a short note with your lawyers details. Anything less and you are leaving yourself open for emotional abuse by going through he did, you did, he didn't, you didn't etc. The heart brings drama, the head brings clarity, if you want to move on with your life then avoid emotional confrontation.

Itwasallfornothing Mon 18-Mar-13 15:42:41

Morethan, he cannot possibly love her, not really. He's having an affair! You don't do that kind of shit to people you love.

PureQuintessence Mon 18-Mar-13 15:46:13

You dont have to be "kind" to him. Take what you are entitled to, take half. If not for you then for your child. Dont make it easy for him to move his girlfriend in and let her and their child have what is rightfully yours and your childs!

Well done for being so strong!

In your shoes I would just arrange a rented 2 bed flat on a 1 year contract with a 6 month break clause and buy when the time is right. Just move and let your solicitor deal with the rest.

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