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At what point do you just accept you are single and thats the way its going to stay?

(311 Posts)
Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 08:38:27

Ive been on my own for 5 years now, post divorce. This will be my sixth summer on my own.

Im fine, i have a full life, noone would ever guess i long for a relationship, but i do.

For Whatever reason, its just not happening for me.

This comes off the back of a terrible weekend where i was stood up on a 4th date.

I do online dating, i go out and about with friends. But in this whole time ive not had one relationship, not even a short term fling.

I do not understand what the issue is, i keep trying but not getting anywhere.

At what point do i just give up, accept that thats it for me?

Im 35.

DrSethHazlittMD Thu 23-Apr-15 08:27:36

I've been single five years, haven't had a date in three and a half. I get incredibly lonely. I am out most nights, have loads of friends, do plenty of things but never meet anyone who is single. Be nice to have someone to go on a holiday with, someone to come home to at night eventually and not wake up on my own every morning.

Online dating a complete washout. Thought perhaps it was me but must be the area as I have one friend who is attractive, interesting, outgoing and she has now been single over eight years and she had very few dates via online dating either.

springydaffs Wed 22-Apr-15 23:47:48

Dowser - happy for you and all... but is this the place? Perhaps you could pop along to the TTC board and tell them how you got pg in a blink. See how that goes down.

MadeMan Wed 22-Apr-15 19:24:39

I'm currently single and generally happy with it most of the time, but the other night whilst driving home in the dark from a friend's house I had a moment when I found myself thinking, "It would be nice to have a woman with me in the car now to go and get fish and chips with."

Dowser Tue 21-Apr-15 23:48:16

Sorry, the list wasn't on the website.

That was my personal list .

Dowser Tue 21-Apr-15 23:47:18

As soon as the ink was dry on my divorce I went on to online dating.

Met my man 10 weeks later and we get married this year after 7 years together.

( he was only the second date I had)

I was 56 and he 55.

We are very happy. I'm happier than I was with my first husband.

Up to my divorce I kept my ears and eyes open but even though I had a great time I never got one date.

Obviously, I had to wait till my man became free.

Look at it that way ladies. Your man is out there, he just doesn't know it yet.

Come back in ten years and let us know how you are all doing.

I wrote a list of what I wanted and I got exactly that!

LesserOfTwoWeevils Tue 21-Apr-15 23:21:12

I'm in my mid-fifties, have been single for 13 years, had one brief "relationship" in that time with someone who wanted to be looked after by a mother/housekeeper/cook etc.

I live in a place where we don't even have OD.

In any case I have social anxiety so would die of fright at the prospect.

Do I win?

GhettoFabulous Tue 21-Apr-15 19:14:04

I think many people fail at online dating because their profiles and messages are dire. Bland, generic lists of things, and Hi, how are you, want to chat? type messages. A man I briefly dated told me that most of the women he looked at endlessly talked about being a mum and had no personality other than that.

I'm a poly kinkster in her forties with a live in partner, couldn't be more niche if I tried, and I get messages every day. It's the way you tell 'em.

I'm a massive pain in the arse in real though.

bibliomania Tue 21-Apr-15 10:59:05

Hi OP, I was on here two years ago to say that I was in a similar position - and I still am. Six years single as of next month. I've just de-regged from the OLD site I was on as the (meagre) results didn't justify the effort.

I do get bogged down from time to time in "What's the matter with me?" self-pity, and that's why it's consoling to see threads like these. I'm clearly not the only one.

It's good to be able to concentrate on my dd, but sometimes I worry I'm using her for company in a way that's more about my needs than hers. Or that I use her as an excuse not to go out and find a functional relationship (as if it were that easy! I didn't have all that much success back when I was childfree)

There are lots of good things about being single and I make the most of it (work, study, activities) but all the same, I miss sex, company and another income, and maybe the prospect of another child.

Angelissima007 Tue 21-Apr-15 10:49:25

I am so glad this thread has re-surfaced, I also spent all weekend reading it, in tears most of the time, agreeing with everything, and realising that this is my lot.

This will be my 6th summer alone, In that time, I too have seen people divorce, deal with fallout, find partners, marry and have children. I am 48 and I have an older friend who only got divorced 2 years ago, very, very messy, she is now dating a very nice man she met on line, he is a very successful architect, her ex husband was a very successful solicitor….I cant even get one date with anyone on line.

Its so disheartening, and I empathise with all on here,

Its really difficult coming to terms with this life that I haven’t chosen and seeing no way of it ever changing.

GoatsDoRoam Tue 21-Apr-15 10:24:25

At what point do you just accept you are single and that's the way its going to stay?

I think there are two parts to this question: "At what point to you accept you are single?" The answer is: "Now." If you are single, you are single. (Where "single" does NOT mean "a half-being waiting to be completed by another.") It's just a description of reality, not a stigma.

The bit that bothers me is "...and that's the way it's going to stay".
Why does the future matter so much? Are you happy NOW? If you're not, then change the things you can change, don't focus on something you can't control, such as the likelihood of meeting a decent and attractive (to you) person who is also attracted to you right back.

I have really come to believe that focusing so much on the lack of a relationship is actually a distraction from focusing on other aspects of one's life that we are unhappy with, but failing to tackle. The good news is that those are the things that we CAN control: what job we're in, how meaningfully we spend our time, etc... Those are all things that are maybe difficult to change when they're going wrong (so we latch onto the thought of a romantic partner bringing happiness into our life instead), but also guaranteed to make us feel happy and fulfilled when we get them right.

If you're unhappy about something you can't control, then look instead at the things that you CAN control: are you really just shifting unhappiness about something else, that's in fact more concrete and manageable (but maybe just a little bit scary to tackle) ?

Jackieharris Tue 21-Apr-15 09:23:47

Op have you thought of having a child on your own?

Relationships come and go, a dcis for life.

ocelot7 Tue 21-Apr-15 09:16:58

Hi OP smile

Yes - I recognize the running out of steam thing sad the mostly quiet acceptance & wondering if it's me sad Still hope it might happen though - based on no evidence.... hmm

foreversinglesupplement123 Tue 21-Apr-15 07:44:01

Bit bitter sweet to see this pop up again today. .I am the op.
Sadly to say I'm in the same situation I was two years ago. Still single.
I've dated less, I think I ran out of steam, and constantly putting myself out there became too hard. I still try to date but mostly it doesn't happen as the man blows it before we even get that far.

I've had a few relationships of a month or two, which is I suppose something, but I always end up finishing it as it comes to light they have big issues such as booze or being a cock lodger I'm not in a place where anything is better than nothing..

It still makes me sad. Most of the time it's quiet acceptance. I don't ever think this is something that will happen for me..I'm pretty sure I'll be on my own for the rest of my life now. .This will be my 8th xmas on my own. .In this time I have known people get divorced, deal with the fall out, meet someone, get married, have babies. I've known loads of people who have done that yet I'm still floundering on 4 or 5 dates.

I had a bad weekend, got a bit upset, but. It'd ok.

So. I just wanted to update. Mr right or even Mr right enough didn't appear in the two years following these posts amd life is pretty much exactly the same..

ocelot7 Tue 21-Apr-15 04:25:54

I came across this thread hoping to find some ideas but have found a lot of experience like my own - not least the repeated advice to join something(!) I have used a mixed racket sport for decades - nada. I also just missed another gig tonight as I could not face walking in alone again (that has not got any easier sad ) - live music seems to be mostly the preserve of people much younger than me so I feel uncomfortable alone...

I've tried OLD & it's only with hindsight that I can see what a hopeless enterprise it is (it was just soul-destroying at the time!): men my age holding out for much younger women (who sensibly don't look at them) e.g. 50yo looking for women 25-40....& who are still there years later....saying they also want a relationship then disappearing....lots of attention from (otherwise suitable) married men & too many "one date wonders" with socially dysfunctional men or players....

So many lovely women are alone who would like to be in a relationship but few male equivalents around....for a long time I assumed most men lied about their age as they look so much older than women their age but turns out often it's just how badly they've aged shock....a coupled friend observed wisely that it's hard to start fancying a man of 50+ & you'd have to have been with him since an age when you did(!)....yet these men are confident of attracting much younger women! A contemporary of mine who has has a couple of relationships said that she accepted she had to go for men 10+ years older but I am not keen on a retired man when my work is still so full on....

All I can add to OP & other younger women is it really is easier when you are under 40! There are nice men who for various e.g. career reasons have not yet had a family as well as bitter divorcees... I see I left it too late to start - having not wanted to bring a new man into my DS life when he was young, and being a ft working SP I had no social life for so many yrs & so many exclusions from couples events, friends never introduced me to any single men - only being proactivewhen he went to uni sad since when I've had a couple of shortish relationships one of which broke my heart in a way I would not have thought possible...I have also learnt to my cost that I can't do casual (much as I miss sex sad )

So all I can really offer here is solidarity....I too hate coming back to an empty house but really feel it doesn't make any difference whether I DO something or not... che sera sera... I have lovely friends & a busy life but want that intimacy too

DollyRocker1 Mon 20-Apr-15 22:20:21

I read this thread over the weekend and found it very poignant. I really hope the OP has found the right person for her.

mychild fantastic to hear that your Mr Right turned up soon after.

Preminstreltension Sun 19-Apr-15 09:46:43

OP I feel your pain. I used to hate "join a club". My life is really full and busy and I always had lots to do and it didn't make any difference. I did online dating, supper clubs, singles holidays, fwbs. You name it I tried it. What seemed to come so easily for others didn't come for me.

Then there was "you're too picky" versus "you're too available - you need to play harder to get". It was crap. Eventually I gave up and now I have two DCs on my own. That's the bit that really mattered to me anyway (cue lots of people saying "ah, that's why - it's because you didn't really want a relationship" which makes no sense in the context of the other camp saying "just stop looking and it will turn up when you are least expecting it")

I think velvetspoon has a point about the odds getting worse for independent women. I'm pretty successful in my career and have always been independent and capable. I think there are men who don't want that. All the men I work with have wives at home and that's not a coincidence. They want to be the alpha breadwinner and so don't want someone like me. Not all men are like this obviously but the pool is smaller.

I don't miss relationships now as I am simply too busy with work and children. I have no time to myself as it is. I'm probably best on my own anyway. Plus I'm lucky to have lots of family around so don't need to be alone if I don't want to be. But I'm glad I found a way to get what I want (DCs) without being on the treadmill you are on. I wouldn't say give up but I had to protect myself in the end. Endlessly putting yourself out there and being rejected, in the nicest possible way, is exhausting and demoralising.

Can you refocus your efforts on just building your network of friends and single parents and people who just want to hang out with you? It won't solve the sex problem but it might give you a chance to have more fun.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Sun 19-Apr-15 08:51:21

Haha, Sue, no I'm not the OP, but one of the many women on the thread convinced it was never going to happen. My divorce came through in April of that year, and I met my new man 6 weeks later. I think it's quite significant that I went almost three years after XH left without so much as a hint of anybody else, and then as soon as that door officially slammed shut (in the form of divorce) someone fantastic was able to enter my life.

albal14 Sun 19-Apr-15 00:36:20

Your right . I'm single male, but it seems too old for 30's 40's women.

SueBeatles Sat 18-Apr-15 23:53:00

Ooopps... see you're not OP... but great anyway

SueBeatles Sat 18-Apr-15 23:19:02

Wow! thats brilliant OP - so pleased for you

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Sat 18-Apr-15 23:07:11

I know this is an old thread, but I searched my username just now to see if there were any old posts of mine that could shed light on the state of mind I was in when I managed to attract my amazing boyfriend into my life. (I believe in the Law of Google it if you haven't heard of it).

Three months after posting in despair on this thread, I met the man of my dreams. So you really don't realise how quickly your life can change grin

LeslieWrinkle Thu 21-Mar-13 13:04:27

Drfayray, you are beautiful and do not look your age. I can't believe the difference between you when you were with your x and you now. Wow. Your children are absolutely gorgeous. They look healthy, glowing, happy. The hard time they had when their dad left does not show. Even if you are single (in the SUN [GRIN] unlike the rest of us here on this thread) you look great for you.

NicknameTaken Thu 21-Mar-13 12:59:16

Thanks, Leslie. I try not to think about it too much!

drfayray Thu 21-Mar-13 12:57:58

I have been single (apart from a 4 month so-called relationship) in the two years and 3 months since my marriage ended. I went online and met a lot of men: mostly idiots tbh. The 4 month thing was ok; but he turned out to have a lot of problems (mental health issues) and I really did not want to complicate my life. Since that ended at the end of last year, I have not been out with anyone.

I would love to have a boyfriend. But I also think I value being by myself a lot too. I do interesting (to me) activities like learning Tango and going to milongas (where you go to dance Tango socially) by myself, I read a lot and I knit. I also run. I spend a lot of time with my two children; 17 and nearly 15 - they both had a hard time with the ex leaving. I have some good friends that I see fairly regularly. I also have been asked to join a discussion group which is quite stimulating and I have met some new people through that. I go to the cinema a fair bit too.

There is something about me that doesn't seem to attract men. I have been told I am beautiful, do not look my age (50), am clever, funny, easy to talk with etc etc and yet...I think I am just meeting the wrong men. A good friend said I was intimidating sad. Look at my pix. Do I look intimidating? I think I look (and am) friendly!

I am now just focusing on myself: getting fitter, changing my work, making sure the children are ok, learning Tango, and well just enjoy being with myself.

I do wish I could meet someone but I am not going online again and I am just going about doing things that interest me. I do think that it is a very real possibility that I will never meet anyone and be it.

LeslieWrinkle Thu 21-Mar-13 11:06:00

Wow. Thought my bills were bad. :-( brew for you nicknametaken.

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