Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Hand-holding please, husband has decided to move out...(34 Posts)
Hi, have posted several times in relationships about my DH. Long story short: he revealed on DS1's 5th birthday that he no longer loves me and wants out of our marriage. On further probing, he revealed he has had a 'spark' with someone at work and realises how much we don't love each other anymore. It's true we have had a stressful time of it in the last year and there were moments I hated him but I never thought I would leave and that this was just a blip in our coming up to 10-years-in-a-month marriage and in fact, things were starting to look up at the beginning of the year. So sex wasn't that frequent (we were tired etc but whatever, it doesn't matter now) but hey, I thought it was what couples went through. It's been 4 weeks since the big reveal and we have only been twice to the counsellor but he has told me tonight he just wants out. I have talked, I have raged, I have cried, I am tired... He is NOT prepared to put in the work to make us work. I just cannot carry this alone. I hate the idea of both my DSs having parents that are no longer together, in fact, they are the reason I was hoping to re-kindle our relationship but DH is not willing.
After a big cry and talking briefly about finances, I am now very calm. I feel like I have done the grieving for the relationship/marriage I thought I had. I look at him and to be honest, I cannot imagine I will ever love him again after the stunt he just pulled on me and showing how selfish he truly is. I am so fucking glad he hasn't pulled this shit on me when I am 50 (I am 36) and have given my life to him and my family. I feel sick to the stomach when he is around. My boys and I will be okay. At least we are both agreed we will do whatever we can to make this as good as we can (given the circumstances) for the boys and they remain our top priority. Is it weird that I am calmly looking at flats/houses for him to move out to because I don't want my DSs to be living in a shithole part of their lives and also I want it to be within walking distance from their school and our family home? I sound too calm don't I? I feel like I have kicked into 'protect my boys at all cost' mode. I love them so much and it fucking breaks my heart that their father is doing this to them. On the plus side, DH has never been a hands-on father, in fact, I think him having them on his own will kick him into gear as a father, sad as it may be...
I have a lot of support around me. Thank goodness. My family lives on the other side of the world but they have pledged they will support me regardless of what happens. I have sent an email to my brother. We will be spending the summer holiday with them and hopefully those plans will stay so the boys will have a fantastic summer to remember despite their lives being about to implode. My in-laws (who are understandably aghast at their son's behaviour) have been fantastic too. I am very lucky in so many ways. But I feel like shit right now. I wish I had chosen a better father for my children, one who will not decide on one turn of the head at some woman in 'work' mode that his marriage is not worth working on. But I cannot change that. All I can do now is to try and shield my boys as much as possible from the repercussions of my 'D'H.
Please hold my hand. I am strong and I will get through this but tonight has been tough as all my dreams of a happy marriage and family is over.
Your friend's right about it being pointless to analyse what you did wrong, because it very likely has got nothing to do with you personally.
What particular lesson learned were you referring to?
Bad I do admit when I thought we were going through a bad patch probably about a year ago, I did think 'Gosh, I wish you would bloody leave as you add nothing to this family except financially.' But of course, I never thought about properly leaving as it just wasn't the done thing and I thought my family/marriage was for life. DH has always been selfish, no doubt about it. Even his mum admits that and wonder if she and FIL did anything to perpetuate that. I do wonder why I never saw it before. When we first started going out, living together and got married. I suppose the selfishness in his behaviour didn't really show till he became a father and he withdrew more into work and its associated activities but had always been generous with his cash (which I suppose I took as generosity overall! How wrong was I?). Anyway, I am done with analysing... One of my friends said to me, "Stop thinking about what you did wrong. It's nothing you did, don't be stupid. He did this, not you."
No, he never told me he was unhappy. Which is why everyone is shocked that he has made the decision to leave so quickly after he told me he was unhappy. We met up with his best friend and family in January, we had a great day out with the children, having fun and planning our Christmas holiday in December. His best friend said to me he just cannot contemplate how he made that leap from happy families to leaving in under 2 months. I told him his head's been turned and that's all he's thinking about. As for OW, nope, never heard of her before the 'bombshell'. I will admit out marriage was under stress and I wasn't totally happy either but I figured the DCs are growing up, they will need less energy and input from us and then we can work on us but hey, never got the chance... That's a lesson learned there I suppose.
Yes, you see women say repeatedly on here and in RL "I don't know why I put up with it for so long. Ultimately he did me a favour, because I'm much happier now" and those who go on to make partnerships with better men cannot believe the contrast with their former lives. It's so encouraging that you're seeing this latest turn of events as part of a pattern of selfish, entitled behaviour, Angel. This didn't happen out of the blue and IMO, it never does. It's a really good lesson to take into future relationships that there is a link between laziness and selfishness - and infidelity.
If you've got a good rapport with your counsellor and faith in her, that's brilliant. As you say, no counsellor can force the truth out of someone, or engagement from someone who's got one foot out of the door. Looking on the positive side, maybe her searching questions made him realise that he couldn't continue the charade any longer.
How were things between you before he started working with this woman? Did he tell you he was unhappy before he met her? Had you even heard of her before he dropped this bombshell?
Yes SGB, I hear you. My DCs love their dad of course but they are more used to him NOT being around than around. I have thought that him being a lone parent might actually make him step up a bit more but it's all a bit sad if it all comes down to that right? I know that him living here or not marks a big fundamental change and also the boys having a new home to are BIG changes but ultimately 95% of their day-to-day life will remain unchanged. We are at the moment committed to doing our best for them, which means school, routine etc will remain unchanged while we cross uncharted territories but I admit some part of me is relieved that I no longer feel sick to the stomach wondering what selfish stunt the twit will come up with next. I am so so DONE with him. But a part of me will grieve for the DH I thought I had and the happy ending we all want regardless.
Angel: Another thing to consider might be that your relative calmness now your body and your subconscious recognising that, actually, you're well shot of him. If he's been selfish and lazy for a long time, life will actually be more pleasant without him around, once the first shock is over.
Couples counselling will only work if both partners are equally invested. A complete waste of time if one partner is not cooperating.
AnyFucker I agree though I do think couple counselling is a hard one for any counsellor to crack and then if you are faced with someone like my DH (who never intended to make any change or effort), what the hell do you do right???? I do like my therapist, I can see where she was going with some of the questions she was asking but no one at this stage can get through to
I second individual counselling.
Not a great fan of joint counselling. What is the point ? You either rehash the same old crap or tell the same lies you have always told. It takes a very skilful counsellor to unravel that.
bad I agree. I'm a big fan of psychotherapy, having gone through it once in my late teens when I went on a self-destruct path. My lovely psychotherapist then helped pull me out of the depths of misery and help me understand so many of my 'issues'. I will definitely think about doing some sessions with the therapist as I think she is so lovely and she was trying to help but I cancelled tonight's session as I realised DH had not been listening at all and I think tonight's session would involve another exhausting rehashing of issues/problems that I cannot face right now. Thank you so much for your support. I appreciate you taking the time to post...
It would be a very good idea to have some counselling on your own when the dust settles.
When something traumatic happens, there is a compelling need to understand it. This is true for all traumas. When victims are given a distorted version of events, or reasons that they can't understand, it holds the healing back. Look at Hillsborough. So talking things over with a professional who will listen and ask questions, without giving her take on it, will be useful. You might reach some different conclusions to the ones you have now - and be able to make more sense of recent events.
For now, focus on getting through the process of him moving out, talking to the children and getting as much support as you can.
Thanks AnyFucker. I know I will need it in the coming weeks.
bad I take your point. I will go for hands-off approach now. Trust me, I had no intentions of doing the viewings etc but I do know what you are saying.
I called our counsellor today to cancel the appointment we had scheduled to night as I am all talked out and really drained emotionally. She was so lovely and said no problem about tonight and she made sure I had a friend with me as I spoke to her. She did mention letting the dust settle and consider going for some individual sessions with her. I might seriously consider it.
The point I'm making is that as a father, it's his responsibility to choose accommodation that's going to be suitable for the children and although I understand you wanting to vet it before the children go there, in reality he can live where ever he likes. Just as you can and he can have no control over the sort of property you live in.
Focusing on his living accommodation is I think a way of gaining back a bit of control in this situation and so I understand that. But part of being separated is that he must now stand on his own two feet and sort his own mess out, including where he lives. Diverting your attention to this might be stopping you dealing with your own grief and also your own denial about what's led up to this.
angel, keep taking all the support and kindness you need x
bad I only popped into the local agent as I went to the supermarket. I couldn't give a monkey's if he ended up in a grotty shithole but I want his flat to be a second home to the DCs, and for that, I will 'help' when needed and I will get a say in his final choice for the DCs' sake. I can't control the father of my DC walking out on us but I don't want my DCs' lives to be any worse than it could be when we finally tell them what is happening...
AnyFucker I know it sounds like I am doing really well but I have cried buckets today. To my MIL whom I feel desperately sorry for as she kept apologising to me but what for? She didn't do any of this. To 'D'H's best friend who is such a lovely family man and he said to me he spoke to DH on the weekend and he made me cry because he said he told him he needed to walk around his lovely house, see his lovely children playing and the wife who is cooking for him and whether he is prepared to give up all that for a 'spark' with a 'colleague'. I cried because everyone else can see his behaviour is nuts but he cannot.
I have a pounding headache now. But I will push on tomorrow. Those friends who I have told the news to have sent me messages of support and offered their help in any way they can and I told them I appreciate all their offers and I will take them up on it the first night I have to 'send' my precious DCs away. There are more friends whom I haven't told that I know will make similar offers. I am surrounded by a lot of love and support and I will get through this. It is so telling that when I asked DH whether he has any friends he can stay with in the meantime and he drew a blank.
I know this will not be easy. I know there will be many challenges ahead. We will go from a very financially comfortably family to one where our finances will be stretched by paying rent and mortgage on two homes. But as I told DH last night, this is the price you will pay for your freedom and you will see to it that your boys will not suffer for it.
Why are you finding properties for him? He should be doing this himself shouldn't he?
angel, you sound great and although this must be so very painful, incredibly sorted and clear
it doesn't matter what he does now, you and the dc's will be fine
bad I really don't give a toss anymore about the OW. She is welcome to him. I spoke to his mum for over an hour today and his best friend (called his best friend's wife actually as we socialise quite a lot with our children) and they are both baffled by his behaviour. They both tried to talk to him separately over the weekend and both have said they are not getting through to him and he already has answers for everything... I told him I spoke to his mum for over an hour today and he was like 'About what?' I was thinking 'your shitty behaviour what else?' But I refused to be drawn into any more discussion about this.
I actually went into the real estate agent today to have an enquire about 2-bed properties today. The agent asked who it was for. The look on her face when I said 'my husband' was priceless!
What a coward informing his parents by text. Obviously done so that he didn't have to face any awkward questions from them.
I should think he's been building up to this for a long time Angel, which is why he seems to have such little empathy or sorrow.
When did he first meet this woman? Do you know?
Thank you all! I have had many tears today when the DCs are in school/nursery. I've spoken to my in-laws, their lovely son sent them a lovely text this morning at 11.11am informing them of the demise of his marriage. Nice. They are not impressed at all and are shocked by how things have progressed.
OW or not, she is welcome to him. I am still a bit shellshocked at how little regard he has given to the 12 years we have spent together. But hey, onwards and upwards, I have my boys and my beautiful home (for now!).
You do sound strong - make the most of this phase by sorting out finances, access etc because later on you will crash. You are on the right lines re child access and equal parenting - he has to take full responsibility and it will be good for him and the DC to have a proper and more meaningful relationship.
I totally agree that the more "moral" the cheater is, the more vulnerable he is to thinking the affair is real love. They can't get round the fact that they can so easily become attracted to ego stroking attentions of OW and the guilt they feel means they are more likely to dress it up as a fairy tale story of true love.
His bubble will burst before long.
Feeling your pain and sending hugs.
You sound very strong, although I'm sure you won't feel it.
I've also woken up after little sleep but in my case because of a racking cough....
You're probably still in the habit of believing everything he says Angel, but do keep an open mind about this other relationship. IME the more self-righteous the bloke, the greater the need for him to convince himself that a fairly ordinary affair is some great love story for which the marriage must be sacrificed. Not for him an everyday story of lust and tawdry sneaking around; only a never-to-be-repeated love story will satisfy his need to think of himself as an honourable man.
Which is why I am foreseeing this affair crashing and burning when the shine wears off and it's exposed as just another tacky story of work colleagues who got together because of proximity, rather than any pre-ordination from the cosmos.
If he's telling lies, at first glance it might not appear to matter if this was an established affair. But if it was, it might help you make sense of recent months and especially any changes in your relationship since he started working with this woman (if you know when that was). A friend of mine went through something like this and if you're anything like her, her instinct was to recall that for the previous year her and her husband had been at loggerheads for no real reason. She blamed herself for her part in it and rationalised that this must have provided the breeding grounds for his affair. It turned out though that the flare-ups and arguments that came out of nowhere started after he'd met the OW at his work and this was his way of creating trouble at home so that he could have an affair. She was able to make much better sense of her recent past and this did help her put the blame where it was deserved.
You're doing all the right things though, giving him a reality check about looking after his own kids unaided. You did really well to insist on this despite your shock and upset. Stand firm on this; it gives you some control back and moreover, it's the right thing to do for kids after a separation.
Hope you've managed to nod off again. Right now I have a date with a bottle of cough mixture
It's good you said that about visitation. Having him coming back to the family home on weekends would make your boys harbour hopes that he would come back for good. It would also give you no flexibility - especially in the long term if you were to start seeing someone new. I might have just very casually hinted at that ... . If anything, make sure the new girlfriend does get to see your kids - exactly so she can see that he is a man with other responsibilities which she will have to assume to. It wouldn't be surprising if she runs a mile.You sound very strong.
Went to bed and couldn't sleep so came back on here. I have a pounding headache caused by the crying earlier on.
Debt I am so sorry to hear it. Yes, in some ways, I feel 'lucky'. I do feel a weight has been lifted as he has made that terrible decision. And while I have no wish to poison my sons against their father, when they do understand things and they ask, I can tell them as neutrally as I can that I tried but their father was the one to make the decision to walk out of their lives and our family. I have read your story on another thread, keep your strength up and we will emerge from this journey stronger. Have you not thought about kicking your DH out? I thought about it but couldn't do it so maybe I was lucky he made the decision to walk himself.
SGB I agree with you. Thank you for reminding me. His behaviour has caused me to question a lot of things. And while I do still love him, I also recognise that my 'falling out of love' with him has a lot to do with his failing as a father since DS1 was born. I did briefly question whether it was right to have DS2 when DH did not take to fatherhood quite that well but I am glad I did, they are only 20 months apart and have the most delightful relationship now and I know they will be fine going through this together. I am not having more so I am glad they have each other for the rest of their lives. He is emotionally cold and has gotten worse over the years. His parents feel he is almost estranged from them. He is a selfish twunt, there is no doubt and I am in some way, relieved to be rid of that constant questioning in my head as to why I wasn't able to see that and how I can change that. I obviously can't. It's not my problem now, is it?
badinage I do believe him with regards to this girl. He is too 'self-righteous' to do anything wrong. He doesn't want to be the bad guy in this. That is why he fessed up to the spark. He wants 'us falling out of love' to be the reason why we separated, not this OW. I believe that contact with this person will resume very quickly once he gets the wife and marriage and kids out of the way. And that the reason he wants out so quickly is so that he can go and set up his own home and pursue love's young dream. Ha ha, wonder how attractive he will look in the cold light of day when he has financial and time commitment to the children he has decided to walk out on... I am not stupid. I got in there first today to say no meeting any new partners till they are well established in his life and are 'serious' and they do not meet my boys until I meet them first. At this moment, he will agree to anything so I am using that best to my advantage...
He was initially talking about moving out to a room and coming back to see the kids in our family home a few days ago, I said no f**king way, he wants to do this, he does this the correct way, he can go and rent a 2-bedroom flat/house and have the boys when he should. It breaks my heart to 'send them away' but I know they will need that so they don't feel rejected by their father and they can have a relationship. So that is what he is doing. I have a very flexi job now that enables me to work PT but pretty much get the boys to school/nursery every weekday bar one plus flexibility in holidays. I have told him if he wants me to keep that flexibility, he will have to make sure he gives me enough maintenance, otherwise, I will have to go back to FT and he can bloody well sort out the additional childcare, he has also agreed to that.
This won't be easy but I will fight for my boys all the way. I am hoping and praying that as long as I keep 99% of their lives as normal, they won't dwell on the fact that daddy doesn't live with us anymore when the time comes.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.