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So now ex-bf has phoned social services to voice his concerns :((64 Posts)
Some of you may have seen my thread last week about my ex-bf telling DD's preschool he had reason to believe I was taking illegal substances again (after a spell at 15/16 when we were together, and a relapse a year later before I found out I was pregnant with DD). I was advised by my solicitor to stop contact (every other weekend overnight) for the time being, which led to him coming round and camping out on our doorstep refusing to move until I let him see DD- we called the police and he was arrested, cautioned and released the next morning.
He's just texted my foster mum, who I still live with, to say he's phoned social services and they're very concerned, and to tell me I should expect a visit soon.
I feel so helpless
Lots of people don't update on threads. It's their right.
Have you pm'd her to ask if she's OK, and let her know you are thinking of her? imo it would be OK to ask if she feels able to do a follow up comment on this thread. But that is my imo and she may not feel the need/be able to.
There's nicer ways to ask if you are actually concerned
Not rubbernecking at all. Just want to know that she is ok!
OP doesn't owe you any explanations Candy. Stop rubbernecking on other peoples' misery. Bad form.
It would be nice if op's bothered to update for people who have invested their time trying to help?!
So sorry this has happened Bri, it must be very stressful for you.
Horrible as it is, the kind of behaviour he's displaying is all grist to the mill. Abusive text messages, malicious reports to to ss? Not only is he nasty, he's also thick.
You on the other hand come across a bright, thoughtful young woman and a loving mum who is doing her very best in extremely difficult circumstances.
Hi Bri, My X did this to me his allegations were:
I am a heroin addict
My house is full of drugs and addicts
I am an alcoholic
I am dirty
DC are dirty
I drive around drunk with my DC in the car and crash
Poor dental hygiene
I missed the word allegation when the SW came to my door, I thought he wanted access so she came in and I fell into a rant about him not leaving us alone and why he couldn't have contact and we chatted for around an hour before I even realised she was out as he had made the above allegations.
She was lovely & advised me keep doing as I am and keep him away from the DC. Then as it was the week before Xmas came back with chocolate.
Tbh it was the poor dental hygiene which annoyed me the most I'm terrified of the dentist but we had been 6 weeks pre-visit for our 6 month check. Idiotic man.
I have been accused of many things in 2.5 years but offered to do DNA tests, handwriting analysis, go to Court re: DC but he never ever takes me up on anything.
Try not to worry and make a Dairy of everything, mine is an A4 folder full now, but it all build up a picture for whenever it does/if it does eventually go to Court.
Texts cannot be used as evidence as they can be altered which I find utter nonsense as most messages are sent by text hence my ex having no numbers for me anymore. I have a phone which tells a very interesting story (all him texting) which cannot be used.
You're doing really well under difficult circumstances Bri.
Definitely welcome SS into your home. They are the people who can back you up. They can tell any court that they have investigated the allegations, that you are a good mum who provides well for her child and puts her child's needs at the centre of everything. Nobody can accuse them of being biased.
Just be calm and honest if they visit.
I second the advice about being careful not to speak negatively about your ex in front of your DD. If you need to speak about him being arrested, etc, arrange for her to be out of earshot first. You can say that there are things you'd like to say but can't because your DD is present.
Just keep going as you are, keeping up the routine for your DD and getting legal advice whenever there are any developments. MN is good for common sense advice but don't rely on it. Use your solicitor.
If your user name reflects your real one(s) you should consider changing it.
This happened to me, DS2 idiot Dad reported me to SS. I got a letter. I rang them straight away, everyone on here is right. Welcome them, show them hw you live, be proud of how you live. Show them you are a good Mum.
They will know he is being a dickhead.
That's good, getting those around on the case.
Most of these men are actually cowards, and it's not likely he'll actually want more than a few hours.
Try to stay calm and not let his threats affect you, because that's what he wants.
Lueji- it's fine, I jumped on it a bit, sorry I end up having to defend the decisions I made as a teenager quite a lot and I can get a bit defensive unnecessarily, sorry.
ex-bf picked DD up from her dance class a couple of weeks ago, which she had this evening. When I picked her up today her teacher (she wasn't there last week, so this was the first time I'd seen her since ex-bf picked DD up) took me to one side and said ex-bf had been behaving 'strangely' when he picked DD up two weeks ago, not out-of-control drunk but not completely normally either IYSWIM, she thought it best to mention it to me. She's going to make a note of it in case it could be useful later, depending on what he does next.
I've done the same with her dance school as I have with preschool- shown proof he has no PR and said therefore no one is to pick DD up execpt myself or my foster mum (it's a small, local school and all the teachers know both of us, so should be OK).
Sorry it it felt a dig at you.
I meant it in reply to Fellatio.
It's easy to believe they have changed (or will).
It's good you've seen him for who he really is.
He should gain your trust, consistently, over a long time.
You'll be fine, I'm sure.
Hi OP, have been lurking on your previous thread and now this one. Just wanted to say that you are fantastic, you are dealing so well with what must be such a stressful situation. I have so much admiration for you. Stay strong!
It looked like he was reformed for a bit Lueji, though thinking about it now he's had a few brief 'reformed' periods over the years. I feel a bit stupid actually for trusting him.
I think he might have really phoned SS but I'm hoping it won't get as far as a home visit/check up.
My foster mum announced this evening that when he first came back into mine and DD's lives she thought he'd changed too, but in hindsight the boyfriend I had before him was such a waster anything was an improvement I'm pleased to say I've grown up a bit since then!
Clearly he's not a "reformed" character, although he may present himself to be.
A good character would ask politely and then would actually go to court, not be nasty and make empty threats.
TheRealFellatio- because for various reasons given the history and his behaviour of the last couple of weeks, it was a concern that he might not bring her back, attempt not to, at least.
I'm keeping a record of everything, yes, texts included.
Smellsliketeenstrop well quite I wonder if that could be his next trick though, don't want to speak too soon
Hair test results are clean and preschool have no concerns so all OK there.
As a children's services professional can I give you some practical advice. When social care do a home visit keep an open mind. Don't pretend, be yourself, answer all questions honestly and take your time. Ask what they can do to provide you with support, say you are willing to agree to contact and that you are happy that your Ex wants to maintain a relationship with DD as you know it is in her best interests to see her father.
Every question they ask you keep your DD and her needs at the centre of it. Tell them you are putting aside the past and your relationship with Ex and focussing on providing stability and safeguarding your DD is your first priority. You are willing to attend any meetings and engage in any intervention or service they think is necessary.
Children's social care are interested in one outcome and it us the same as you: keeping your DD safe, she is at the centre of their work. See them as an ally not a foe.
A second vote for getting a copy of those texts just in case your phone makes you 'delete all messages' or some such, which some do regularly. Or you loose your phone or something.
Yes, I've had several malicious referrals to SS by my ex - including an allegation I pushed dd down the stairs. They'll suss him out, don't worry.
From a ss perspective, ex partner malicious referrals are an every day occurrence. They have to be considered but many go nowhere because it's clear they are malicious. Like any profession there are good and bad sws. Hopefully you'll have a better experience this time
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