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So now ex-bf has phoned social services to voice his concerns :(

(64 Posts)
BriAndLottie Sun 17-Mar-13 20:12:34

Some of you may have seen my thread last week about my ex-bf telling DD's preschool he had reason to believe I was taking illegal substances again (after a spell at 15/16 when we were together, and a relapse a year later before I found out I was pregnant with DD). I was advised by my solicitor to stop contact (every other weekend overnight) for the time being, which led to him coming round and camping out on our doorstep refusing to move until I let him see DD- we called the police and he was arrested, cautioned and released the next morning.

He's just texted my foster mum, who I still live with, to say he's phoned social services and they're very concerned, and to tell me I should expect a visit soon.

I feel so helpless sad

BriAndLottie Sun 17-Mar-13 23:35:59

I stupidly didn't turn my phone off this evening and have just had another string of abusive texts threatening to tell SS a load of crap RE drugs, DD's wellbeing etc

Not feeling so positive now sad

coffeewineandchocolate Sun 17-Mar-13 23:41:13

Usually ss will do checks with hv before even contacting you. If the hv isn't concerned they may not even visit. Ss are well aware about bitter and manipulative exs raising 'concerns'. The hv should be able to verify you have support from foster mum, dd seen and well cared for?

breatheslowly Sun 17-Mar-13 23:41:22

I know that this is horrible for you, but every abusive text is a bit more evidence in your favour rather than his.

BriAndLottie Sun 17-Mar-13 23:47:59

I need to try and lay my previous SS experience to rest I think. I keep having dreams about him somehow getting hold of her and disappearing off somewhere.He has had violent tendencies in the past, though he's never been physically violent towards me. Then again the periods in which he was agressive before now were always when we were together.

I need to pull myself together.

tallwivglasses Sun 17-Mar-13 23:48:30

Good. It's more evidence. He's a nasty coward. Tell the police, your GP and SS. Get in there first.

they are evidence. its not nice that he is sending them but it is good that he is because it all goes against him. dont respond in any way.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 18-Mar-13 00:37:42

Please bear in mind that right now he is the one committing a crime. He is harassing and slandering you and behaving like a total cock. The police have already had to come and nick him once; you are not using drugs and you are not a bad mother. In this situation, you are the innocent victim of a bullying stalker, so he is not going to win. And might easily end up back in prison.

seaofyou Mon 18-Mar-13 01:05:10

Show SS the abusive texts, they are used to this.

Morloth Mon 18-Mar-13 01:57:16

Let him dig the hole deeper and deeper. Hold on to all of those texts.

SS almist certainly see this shit all the time.

Warmly welcome them in, show them that your DD is in a great place.

Also call the police and get a 'restraining order' (not sure of the UK term).

Stay strong.

LittleEdie Mon 18-Mar-13 02:43:02

How can he not see that those texts are a giveaway, that you'll show them to SS? Is he an idiot?

Downunderdolly Mon 18-Mar-13 02:52:43

Hello. So sorry, I remember reading your original posts.

On a practical note, if you haven't already, please keep a note/diary of the things that have 'kicked off' in terms of dates/times/who witnessed etc. I would also take a photo of the text messages in case something happens to your phone - ditto, save/copy/take a photos of any emails. If you can remember any specific instances where your ex acted 'badly' with DD etc then make a note of these to.

You sound very together but needless to say don't respond to texts, leave VM's etc or do anything that could be miscontrued. As you say, you have done nothing wrong and despite the odd horror/scare story I am sure that SS will have experienced this many times and if your ex has acted and is who you say he is (and have no reason to doubt you) then you should have nothing to fear.

None of this takes away from the stress and angst though so good luck my love x

TheRealFellatio Mon 18-Mar-13 03:09:01

I'm a bit confused. Why did your solicitor advice you to stop allowing him contact? As you say, he is a reformed character, he has not been violent towards you, and he clearly loves his daughter and wants to be very involved in her life....confused

Are you saying he has made these allegations to SS as a result of not being allowed to see her?

ddubsgirl Mon 18-Mar-13 03:21:28

Show the police the texts too!!! Even as a private foster parent she still would have to have been checked out by ss and passed checks they wouldn't have let you stay wink I know I went through the same thing at 15,let your ex keep digging shows him up at end of the day I hate ss but let them in be open & honest you have nothing to hide they will get reports from hv gp & the school DON'T panic they have to do this, how has you dd reacted to all of this? Keep talking to the school even get them of get dd some kind of counselling as it must be confusing for her I read you other thread and he was asking her all sorts of questions

SmellsLikeTeenStrop Mon 18-Mar-13 09:07:54

If he is that concerned about your apparent drug use, and your DD's well being, why isn't he pushing for full custody instead of 50/50. He's happy for your DD to be neglected and around illegal drugs 50% of the time? hmm

Nasty texts are actually a very good thing, continue to collect them to show as evidence of his malicious intent and general instability.

The things he's accusing you of are easy to dismiss. The hair test will show you haven't taken any illegal drugs, and a quick chat to the school nursery will establish that your DD hasn't been neglected. The nursery have no concerns with her development, yes? And you don't send her to school looking dirty?

joblot Mon 18-Mar-13 12:26:58

From a ss perspective, ex partner malicious referrals are an every day occurrence. They have to be considered but many go nowhere because it's clear they are malicious. Like any profession there are good and bad sws. Hopefully you'll have a better experience this time

NicknameTaken Mon 18-Mar-13 12:35:30

Yes, I've had several malicious referrals to SS by my ex - including an allegation I pushed dd down the stairs. They'll suss him out, don't worry.

Xales Mon 18-Mar-13 17:11:22

Take your phone and go to the police station.

LittleEdie Mon 18-Mar-13 17:17:35

A second vote for getting a copy of those texts just in case your phone makes you 'delete all messages' or some such, which some do regularly. Or you loose your phone or something.

grumblinalong Mon 18-Mar-13 17:32:06

As a children's services professional can I give you some practical advice. When social care do a home visit keep an open mind. Don't pretend, be yourself, answer all questions honestly and take your time. Ask what they can do to provide you with support, say you are willing to agree to contact and that you are happy that your Ex wants to maintain a relationship with DD as you know it is in her best interests to see her father.

Every question they ask you keep your DD and her needs at the centre of it. Tell them you are putting aside the past and your relationship with Ex and focussing on providing stability and safeguarding your DD is your first priority. You are willing to attend any meetings and engage in any intervention or service they think is necessary.

Children's social care are interested in one outcome and it us the same as you: keeping your DD safe, she is at the centre of their work. See them as an ally not a foe.

Smudging Mon 18-Mar-13 17:37:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BriAndLottie Mon 18-Mar-13 19:34:04

TheRealFellatio- because for various reasons given the history and his behaviour of the last couple of weeks, it was a concern that he might not bring her back, attempt not to, at least.

I'm keeping a record of everything, yes, texts included.

Smellsliketeenstrop well quite hmm I wonder if that could be his next trick though, don't want to speak too soon sad

Hair test results are clean and preschool have no concerns so all OK there.

Lueji Mon 18-Mar-13 21:43:49

Clearly he's not a "reformed" character, although he may present himself to be.

A good character would ask politely and then would actually go to court, not be nasty and make empty threats.

BriAndLottie Mon 18-Mar-13 22:07:24

It looked like he was reformed for a bit Lueji, though thinking about it now he's had a few brief 'reformed' periods over the years. I feel a bit stupid actually for trusting him.

I think he might have really phoned SS but I'm hoping it won't get as far as a home visit/check up.

My foster mum announced this evening that when he first came back into mine and DD's lives she thought he'd changed too, but in hindsight the boyfriend I had before him was such a waster anything was an improvement blush I'm pleased to say I've grown up a bit since then!

Whitewineformeplease Tue 19-Mar-13 01:21:03

Hi OP, have been lurking on your previous thread and now this one. Just wanted to say that you are fantastic, you are dealing so well with what must be such a stressful situation. I have so much admiration for you. Stay strong! thanks

Lueji Tue 19-Mar-13 01:29:25

Sorry it it felt a dig at you.
I meant it in reply to Fellatio.

It's easy to believe they have changed (or will).

It's good you've seen him for who he really is.
He should gain your trust, consistently, over a long time.

You'll be fine, I'm sure.

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