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AIBU about weed?

(60 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Sat 16-Mar-13 18:54:37

Ok. So I have a new boyfriend. He's lovely in so many ways. Great dad, lover, kind considerate. Only ( and pretty major) bugbear for me is that he smokes weed and i hate it. He never smokes around me. He does have this stoner mate though whom he is out with tonight. Trouble is I hate weed as it makes me go psycho. He said he will give it up for me ... but then that would make me the boring, controlling girlfriend won't it? What do I do? I don't want to break up over this but I worry it will drive a wedge between us. Mabe he needs a gf who is not so anti-drugs?

badtasteflump Wed 20-Mar-13 12:30:00

Good call OP - kick him to the kerb.

But I'm also thinking - you've only known him two months - that's 8 weeks - surely that's only a handful of dates so far (unless you've seen each other constantly which would be a red flag on it's own IMO...).

So why did you need to meet each others DC in that short space of time? confused

Jux Wed 20-Mar-13 09:03:36

Don't waste your life or your children's lives on him.

He smokes to destress. Having children around him full time will be stressful. He can't not have a spliff when he sees his own kids, so what's he going to be like when he is around your kids every single day? He will smoke more and more.

Don't bother.

BriAndLottie Tue 19-Mar-13 18:52:13

OP- trust me, if he isn't prepared to give it up for the sake of your relationship, he isn't worth having around. My 3 year old DD with my first boyfriend, who got me hooked on weed and then onto crack cocaine, has only had her father in her life for the past 4 months or so because of his addiction, we're no longer together and he's now kicking off over custody. He's accusing me of being back on the drugs which is absolutely not true, I actually think he might have started using again but I have no proof and so won't be making any accusations. It's an absolute nightmare, but our relationship started out incredibly similar to yours and if someone had told me at the beginning this was how it was going to turn out, I would have laughed. You're best off getting out now before things have a chance to escalate. Trust me.

Spongebob- so sorry to hear your story. I wasn't with DD's dad anywhere near as long as you've been with your DP so I can't pretend to understand, but I can sympathise, it's really rubbish sad I can't tell you how much better everything was after I split up with my ex-bf for the last time though- hang in there, getting away from that stuff makes the world of difference. You're doing the right thing.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Tue 19-Mar-13 18:03:31

spongebob, that's a really sad story and in no way a hijack since it could be the OP ten years down the line. I'm so sorry for your predicament.

My ex flatmate smoked weed so much that in the end he dropped out of his job. I hated coming home and seeing a foggy room full of stoned people with blank eyes looking catatonic and talking in that horrible sleepy voice. I moved out when his "friend" was slicing and weighing resin on my kitchen scales.

spongebobsquareeyes Tue 19-Mar-13 17:25:09

Fuck I think I need a thread of my own, sorry for the hijack OP

spongebobsquareeyes Tue 19-Mar-13 17:24:44

Nah. No way.

I've been following this thread for a couple of days and just want to give you my POV.

When DP and I met 10 years ago, we both smoked it. I was a very much one at the weekend person because I couldn't really handle it, he was a heavy heavy user. I never really saw the problem with it because I never knew all of the risks associated with it. I gave up before I got pregnant because it just ruined my weekend when I smoked it, and I would rather have a drink. At that point never saw the issue with DP smoking it.

Then I fell pregnant. And DP started smoking grass. It stinks. It made him depressed. I started to hate that seedy eyed look he had. So I asked him to give it up. He gave up did it behind my back.

Long story short, we are about to break up after 10 years and 2 DDs because he is addicted and I cant take the mood swings, the smell, the lack of motivation and above all else the lying about it. I don't want it in the house and he agreed not to do it here, but waits until I'm in bed or out the house and rolls himself a fat one. I can fucking smell it though!

For example, this morning I took the kids to school and when I came back he was gouched on the couch and I could SMELL it. He flat out denied it. That was breaking point for me.

Save yourself some heartache and don't go there. Apart from the kids, I wish I hadn't.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Tue 19-Mar-13 10:30:01

Good decision superstar. If he needs time to think about, that would tell me everything I needed to know. I also think he is in denial. I have very stressful days and don't need weed to cope.

superstarheartbreaker Tue 19-Mar-13 05:37:08

And ultimately he has to give it up for himself.

superstarheartbreaker Tue 19-Mar-13 05:36:33

Hi all. I think it's over. Basically his reaction on Sunday hurt me when he admitted that he wasn't sure he could kick the habit. To which I said I thought in that case he might be an addict. He maintains it is only a bit of weed to help him wind down after work. So if it is only a bit of weed then why is he prepared to put this over a relationship? It made me mad as I feel that what he said about giving it up for me was bollocks. He says he needs to think because of my bad reaction to his smoking. But in my eyes anyone who has to think about if they are going to put a drug over girlfriend can't really care that much.

suburbophobe Mon 18-Mar-13 20:14:46

Oh yeah and his mate is one of those go on, go on, go on mates. UUUUUGGGGRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Well, you're obviously not going to let THAT affect you, are you? Just tell him to take a hike, and if you have difficulty with it, a good lesson in setting your boundaries. He sounds a bit immature anyway. And controlling.

Anyway, only you can decide if you want to live with a man who likes to smoke weed.

I personally don't have a problem with it. Millions of people partake of marijuana all over the world.
If you can function on it, I don't see the problem.
And most people function perfectly well on it, job, family, financially o.k., travel, etc.

Personally, I'd prefer a joint over a valium any day! grin

BriAndLottie Mon 18-Mar-13 20:00:54

Chocsaway as someone who's been in that position I couldn't agree with you more. There's a huge difference between a need and an occasional liking, and going from one to the other is not an obvious or easily reversible process. By the time you realise you're hooked it's often too late and before you know it weed isn't strong enough anymore- the progression from weed to stronger substances is easier than you might think.

mamasr Mon 18-Mar-13 19:55:55

I think there comes a time where people need to stop smoking weed ie. when they graduate university (early 20s) it annoys me when people have a lax view on the stuff as it is a harmful drug and after year will turn the user into a different person.. From experiences of my DB who thankfully seems to have turned it around. He was fine with it, a brilliant guy, good family etc then he just became this paranoid person overnight, horrible to witness. If he's offered to give it up then take him up on the offer. You wouldn't be controlling, you are helping his health and in the long run I'm sure he'll be thankful of you. Hope you manage to get it sorted & don't feel bad for him stopping.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Mon 18-Mar-13 19:53:23

Exactly what ChocsAway said. This is not a promising start.

specialmagiclady Mon 18-Mar-13 19:50:19

I'm now firmly in the Bin Him camp. Not so much because I think he may be an addict, but because of that seed of doubt in your mind. For you, personally this sounds like a dealbreaker. It might not be for me, it is for you. If you stick with the relationship you will just become more deeply enmeshed and it will be harder to give him up. If you are meant to be together, he will give up the weed and come and find you. If he can't/won't give it up, he simply loves the weed more than he loves you. Sorry but I think it's the end for this one. Listen to your instincts.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Mon 18-Mar-13 13:59:27

Chairman, whilst I do agree with you, it's all too common for heavy users and addicts to persuade themselves and others that they only do it on a social or casual basis.

If this man is leaving his kids indoors whilst going outside for a spliff, that seems like a NEED rather than an occasional liking. The other red flag is that he says he won't or can't stop.

ChairmanoftheBored Mon 18-Mar-13 09:40:23

I think someone who has the occasional spliff is quite different to a drug addict to be honest. Conversations about drugs always do provoke extreme views. If it was me, I would also be concerned about entering into a serious relationship with someone who has such a young child and a recent break-up.
How long have you been together? Is there a need to be in such a hurry? Could you maybe just see how it pans out?
I would have a long think and a discussion with him about how you feel about drugs and whether or not this is negotiable.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Mon 18-Mar-13 09:34:36

Yes, come on OP. You're selling yourself short and involving both sets of kids in something that's starting off with a reluctant compromise.

He's never going to stop and you're never going to like it. Don't let the children get attached.

Tortington Mon 18-Mar-13 09:28:06

its an evil evil drug tolerated by society.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Mar-13 09:25:08

"I said I would tolerate it for now which is more than generous but I am wavering."

You're wavering because you've sold yourself short and you know it. He's got every excuse in the book, talks a good game, and I think you'll find that 'tolerating it for now' just means he carries on as normal while you waste more years of your life on something that's going nowhere.

Do find some courage. You could do better than him.

Helltotheno Sun 17-Mar-13 21:36:18

Run like the wind OP

BriAndLottie Sun 17-Mar-13 21:27:03

OP- don't know how old you are but I had a similar situation with a boyfriend when I was 15. I thought he was the one, the only slight drawback was that he smoked weed- but never around me and it didn't seem excessive so I stayed with him. I promised myself I'd never touch the stuff.

A few months later the pair of us were both on crack cocaine, though I was far more addicted than he was. I ended up being kicked out by my parents and lived with my boyfriend for a while, then had to leave his and ended up homeless. Both of us had been expelled from school at this point. I had a pregnancy which ended with a stillborn, in which my drug abuse could have been a factor. When I was 16 I got extremely lucky and was taken into a private fostering agreement, managed to get clean, went back to school, took my GCSEs, broke up with the boyfriend and got my life back on track. I thought that was the end of it.

Then when I was 17 I had a bad experience with a different boyfriend I won't go into, I didn't know how to cope with it and long story short ended up back on the drugs, kicked out of my foster mother's, back with the first boyfriend (who was dealing the drugs) and sleeping rough. It took realising I was pregnant with DD to make me realise it had to stop. Thankfully my foster mum agreed to take me back in, I ended up having to resit my A levels after I had DD but other than that my life's back on track 3 years on and I know this time I won't ever be tempted again.

What I'm trying to say is that it doesn't seem like a huge deal to have a boyfriend using weed when he says he doesn't use often, doesn't do it around you and you know you won't be tempted. But it can get completely out of hand, very, very scarily quickly, even if you never intend it to.

badinage Sun 17-Mar-13 21:09:37

I don't get the impression you're going to end it. Are you?

ChocsAwayInMyGob Sun 17-Mar-13 20:48:54

So he doesn't smoke around the kids, but leaves them indoors whilt he goes outside to smoke weed? Hmm.

The other thing is that Weed stinks to high heaven and I would have an issue with that. If he can't give up, he is an addict. Move on, Lesson learned. Well done for analysing this sensibly before rushing in.

Oh and two months is too soon to meet each other's kids.

Kernowgal Sun 17-Mar-13 20:37:19

And before the pro-weed lobby come on, I used to smoke it myself but gave up because I grew up.

Kernowgal Sun 17-Mar-13 20:36:09

I think the fact that he thinks he wouldn't be able to give up would be a big red flag to me.

I would be seriously concerned that it would impact on our life together. As someone said upthread, if he were saying that he didn't think he could give up alcohol you'd wonder what you were getting involved with, no?

I'd also give serious thought to what kind of example he was setting to his and your children.

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