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AIBU about weed?(60 Posts)
Ok. So I have a new boyfriend. He's lovely in so many ways. Great dad, lover, kind considerate. Only ( and pretty major) bugbear for me is that he smokes weed and i hate it. He never smokes around me. He does have this stoner mate though whom he is out with tonight. Trouble is I hate weed as it makes me go psycho. He said he will give it up for me ... but then that would make me the boring, controlling girlfriend won't it? What do I do? I don't want to break up over this but I worry it will drive a wedge between us. Mabe he needs a gf who is not so anti-drugs?
'Don't sweat it'? If the OP doesn't like weed or weed-users, they don't like it. That's all that matters here. Not how much he spends or how responsible a user he is or what other people think of the habit. I don't like tobacco, tobacco smokers or the atmosphere smoking creates. I once went into a relationship with someone I thought was an ex-smoker and it was a disaster when he started up again.
That's why I say it's a mistake to think there's a future in a relationship when there's a fundamental difference of opinion and preferences. The only future is disappointment.
I agree with specialmagiclady, it depends on the type of 'user' he is. Did you know about this before you started getting more serious
introducing him to the kids?
Does he always have to have weed in the house 'just in case'? (alarm bell), does he have just one every day 'to take the edge off'? (alarm bell), does he smoke when he's looking after the kids? (ALARM BELL), has he ever taken any other harder drugs? Is he a social smoker who has one once in a while when with the stoner friend (could be excusable).
About the 'stoner' friend: how well do you know him? Define 'stoner' (ie does he answer yes to most of the above?).
My exH was an
addict habitual user and it had a massive (negative) effect on our marriage.
I'm afraid it would be a deal breaker for me. It's not like any other personal choice that comes with the person. It's illegal. This means it's associated with all sorts of other unpleasant trades (e.g. human trafficking), linked with other drugs even if the end user him/herself sticks only to cannabis, it can result in a criminal record that could affect future employment and travelling to other countries.
And, of course, it carries a huge, huge risk to physical and mental health. Most joints are the equivalent of smoking 20 cigarettes, assuming they are rolled with tobacco. Rolled without, the THC concentrate will be higher and so carry increase the mind-altering effect. Lung cancer in older age, depression and other mental health problems are a very high risk.
You want to sign up for that voluntarily?
I've known many cannabis users over the years. Many manage to hold down jobs successfully and remain functioning, happy human beings with happy families. Not a single one of them has ever had any 'get up and go' though IMO, preferring to relax by smoking a joint than doing anything more interesting or healthy for their mind or body. Ultimately, I have always found them very boring. As they get older, they either give it up or becomes a whole way of life and even more boring.
From personal experience (exP also had friend who was a heavy weed smoker, in fact he grew it and supplied my exP), I would end a relationship with someone who revealed that they smoked. My exP's personality changed completely when he smoked, although it was skunk he was smoking rather than milder stuff like hash, and the highs were accompanied by terrible lows. He also put us in several potentially dangerous situations when trying to score while on holiday.
His excuse was that it helped him cope with chronic pain, but he refused to see his doctor to find out about alternative options and so it became abundantly clear that the weed was actually a social thing.
I fucking hated it, basically. He was a 'good dad' but what if he'd had a smoke and then there was an emergency with the kids that required him to drive somewhere?
It's a total dealbreaker for me. And you're being naive if you think he'd give it up for you.
To be fair to your boyfriend, my exP's habit served to highlight how much of an arsehole he was, in that it magnified his abusiveness and gave him an excuse (comedowns) to behave even more appallingly towards me.
I will never forget my ex sitting outside Marrakech airport frantically smoking what remained of the weed he'd bought because he didn't want to waste any. How fucking pathetic. I now wish I'd tipped off the police and had him arrested
My XH has smoked weed for 32 years and is practically brain dead.
It isn't harmless, though 30 years ago I thought it was.
It would be a deal breaker for me - so would someone having to have a couple of pints or a couple of glasses of wine every day.
It does seem to result in MH problems.
Thanks for the replies. We spoke today. I voiced my concerns. He voiced his. Basically he said that he dodn't want to cause me any harm but he worries that he won't be able to quit so he is an addict basically. I told him I wouldn't expect him to go cold turkey but if there is any future for us he's have to cut down and /or keep it seperate (Is that possible....really?).
He started when his mum died and when he was under a lot of pressure at work. He got shafted re a promotion etc etc etc. he started as a way of coping and now can't stop. He says he never smokes around his kids but would occasionally go into to the garden to have a spliff.
We are both going to think about it although we have said that we are glad that we met etc. I don't think it ios possible to keep weed and relationships seperate forever. he says he dosn't smoke every day but has a spliff to wind down after work if it has been very stressful. I said I would tolerate it for now which is more than generous but I am wavering.Why is there always bloody something?
Oh yeah and his mate is one of those go on, go on, go on mates. UUUUUGGGGRRRRRRR!!!!!!!
Well I told him that one of the reasons why I hate drugs is that they have helped me (and several of my mates) end up in the local psychiatric ward. Nice. Two of my best mates have developed schizophrenia because of the drug.
You've got your answer then.
Just learn from it and add it to your list of what you won't accept next time you date someone.
Sorry it didn't work out this time.
I think the fact that he thinks he wouldn't be able to give up would be a big red flag to me.
I would be seriously concerned that it would impact on our life together. As someone said upthread, if he were saying that he didn't think he could give up alcohol you'd wonder what you were getting involved with, no?
I'd also give serious thought to what kind of example he was setting to his and your children.
And before the pro-weed lobby come on, I used to smoke it myself but gave up because I grew up.
So he doesn't smoke around the kids, but leaves them indoors whilt he goes outside to smoke weed? Hmm.
The other thing is that Weed stinks to high heaven and I would have an issue with that. If he can't give up, he is an addict. Move on, Lesson learned. Well done for analysing this sensibly before rushing in.
Oh and two months is too soon to meet each other's kids.
I don't get the impression you're going to end it. Are you?
OP- don't know how old you are but I had a similar situation with a boyfriend when I was 15. I thought he was the one, the only slight drawback was that he smoked weed- but never around me and it didn't seem excessive so I stayed with him. I promised myself I'd never touch the stuff.
A few months later the pair of us were both on crack cocaine, though I was far more addicted than he was. I ended up being kicked out by my parents and lived with my boyfriend for a while, then had to leave his and ended up homeless. Both of us had been expelled from school at this point. I had a pregnancy which ended with a stillborn, in which my drug abuse could have been a factor. When I was 16 I got extremely lucky and was taken into a private fostering agreement, managed to get clean, went back to school, took my GCSEs, broke up with the boyfriend and got my life back on track. I thought that was the end of it.
Then when I was 17 I had a bad experience with a different boyfriend I won't go into, I didn't know how to cope with it and long story short ended up back on the drugs, kicked out of my foster mother's, back with the first boyfriend (who was dealing the drugs) and sleeping rough. It took realising I was pregnant with DD to make me realise it had to stop. Thankfully my foster mum agreed to take me back in, I ended up having to resit my A levels after I had DD but other than that my life's back on track 3 years on and I know this time I won't ever be tempted again.
What I'm trying to say is that it doesn't seem like a huge deal to have a boyfriend using weed when he says he doesn't use often, doesn't do it around you and you know you won't be tempted. But it can get completely out of hand, very, very scarily quickly, even if you never intend it to.
"I said I would tolerate it for now which is more than generous but I am wavering."
You're wavering because you've sold yourself short and you know it. He's got every excuse in the book, talks a good game, and I think you'll find that 'tolerating it for now' just means he carries on as normal while you waste more years of your life on something that's going nowhere.
Do find some courage. You could do better than him.
Yes, come on OP. You're selling yourself short and involving both sets of kids in something that's starting off with a reluctant compromise.
He's never going to stop and you're never going to like it. Don't let the children get attached.
I think someone who has the occasional spliff is quite different to a drug addict to be honest. Conversations about drugs always do provoke extreme views. If it was me, I would also be concerned about entering into a serious relationship with someone who has such a young child and a recent break-up.
How long have you been together? Is there a need to be in such a hurry? Could you maybe just see how it pans out?
I would have a long think and a discussion with him about how you feel about drugs and whether or not this is negotiable.
Chairman, whilst I do agree with you, it's all too common for heavy users and addicts to persuade themselves and others that they only do it on a social or casual basis.
If this man is leaving his kids indoors whilst going outside for a spliff, that seems like a NEED rather than an occasional liking. The other red flag is that he says he won't or can't stop.
I'm now firmly in the Bin Him camp. Not so much because I think he may be an addict, but because of that seed of doubt in your mind. For you, personally this sounds like a dealbreaker. It might not be for me, it is for you. If you stick with the relationship you will just become more deeply enmeshed and it will be harder to give him up. If you are meant to be together, he will give up the weed and come and find you. If he can't/won't give it up, he simply loves the weed more than he loves you. Sorry but I think it's the end for this one. Listen to your instincts.
Exactly what ChocsAway said. This is not a promising start.
I think there comes a time where people need to stop smoking weed ie. when they graduate university (early 20s) it annoys me when people have a lax view on the stuff as it is a harmful drug and after year will turn the user into a different person.. From experiences of my DB who thankfully seems to have turned it around. He was fine with it, a brilliant guy, good family etc then he just became this paranoid person overnight, horrible to witness. If he's offered to give it up then take him up on the offer. You wouldn't be controlling, you are helping his health and in the long run I'm sure he'll be thankful of you. Hope you manage to get it sorted & don't feel bad for him stopping.
Chocsaway as someone who's been in that position I couldn't agree with you more. There's a huge difference between a need and an occasional liking, and going from one to the other is not an obvious or easily reversible process. By the time you realise you're hooked it's often too late and before you know it weed isn't strong enough anymore- the progression from weed to stronger substances is easier than you might think.
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