Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Regale me with hilarious/ridiculous
things that a narcissist or enabler has said to you....
I'll go first.
My DF acts as enabler for my narcissist M, although I doubt he's fully aware of this. We were discussing her and my god-awful childhood yesterday over skype when he dropped in this little gem:
'Well, you were so quiet. You didn't really defend yourself properly.'
What the actual fuck?!
I didn't really process the remark at the time but now I'm bloody fuming.
Go on, tell me yours. Let's laugh at the bastards
and then maybe I won't spend the next week dwelling on my wrath
This thread has been really insightful, I've never know anyone in real life who has a parent like mine but this shows I'm clearly not alone!
The worst thing my mother ever said was "it's your fault your sister died because you gave me measles when I was pregnant" she constantly insists that I had a great childhood and has no self awareness
The best one most recently is "I've been thinking and I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be a grandmother" said in the most depressed woe in me voice! my marriage is falling to pieces and I'm a wreck but that's her main concern. I'm also 28 and my sister is 23 so maybe a bit young to be written off!
Have stumbled on this thread. Wondering now if my mother displayed symptoms of narcissism with comments like when my 4th son, her grandson was born, "oh what a shame, I was hoping for a girl..." And when I was about 10 she watched me in a gala, I made a mistake and apparently embarrassed her... I remember crying all the way home.
She also loves a drama and other people's gossip rather than be interested in me and my thoughts, cares or worries.... And any medical problems... She rattles when she walks!!!! I have always wondered whether its a lot about attention...
No, the real reason for my post is my DP. You really wouldn't believe the things I could write about him. He is the ultimate narc and even a therapist I brought into our home to try to help with his outrageous temper nearly left as he was so upset with the way he behaved in front of him towards me. ("He plays cat and mouse with you"). The debt, the spending, the controlling, the lack of empathy or understanding, the "I'll do it when I want, not when you tell me" (I ask once, he doesn't do it, I ask again, it's nagging and moaning and he refuses to help me..., no matter what).
I had trouble getting my baby to attach to my breast when 4 days old.... as happens and needed help as I had mastitis.... He REFUSED. When the baby was 5 days he forgot to bring me a coffee in the bath, which he'd promised me (anything, just ask, here to help), I reminded him, ( phoned him downstairs!!!), he got in a strop and stormed out the house, picked up a lady friend and took her to a birthday lunch party....
Your clothes are tatty, you need to lose weight, my ex will always be in my life I'm not sure you will....your the best thing and worst that ever happened to me, I need money in my account NOW, always crap birthdays....
We are not kids, I'm in my 40s and he's 50.
But it's like being with a child who has tantrums and sulks.... A lot. Of course there are good times too, but only when he wants them... We either do what he wants or we are late.
He called thr police to the house once as we'd had a argument when I was pregnant... It's like calling your parents when you're a child... He was so cool when they arrived and I was so upset that I must have looked like I'd actually done something!!
I found these quotes this morning... I was fast asleep until 3 am when DP came to bed as he couldn't sleep, put the lights on, used the loo and brushed teeth with electric toothbrush, of course, if I'd done that all hell would have broken loose.... So it made me think.
"As a psychiatrist was once heard saying Ns are the bread and butter of the therapeutic enterprise, not because they so often seek professional helpthey are too impressed with themselves to ever think they have a problembut because they drive so many people around them crazy.
"He will choose you, disarm you with his words, and control you with his presence. He will delight you with his wit and his plans. He will show you a good time, but you will always get the bill. He will smile and deceive you, and he will scare you with his eyes. And when he is through with you, and he will be through with you, he will desert you and take with him your innocence and your pride. You will be left much sadder but not a lot wiser, and for a long time you will wonder what happened and what you did wrong. And if another of his kind comes knocking at your door, will you open it?"
Food for thought eh?
So sorry for everyone who's suffered so much .
My father was definitely a narc (with other major issues thrown in), and I'm still working out what exactly my mother is.
Her 'winning' moment has to be shortly after I told her I'd been sexually attacked by my father for years. She showed little reaction but then months later, while on a public bus, suddenly came out with, "So did he actually rape you then? Or was it just touching?"
Strangely, I didn't much feel up to discussing the details in front of 30 or so strangers.
Such a relief to realise your mother is a narcissist. I have almost no contact with my mother, refuse to let her near my children and am trying to raise mine differently. Every mother has had a terrible relationship with their daughters in that family, from about 1850 onwards (before that there are fewer records). I hope I'm going to break the cycle. Sadly, the genes are very strong and both my daughter and I have inherited the disgusting temper and nasty, snappy comments. What's different about us is we are aware of what we are and try hard to put a sock in it and say sorry.
I have no feelings about her anymore. I used to hate her but even that's worn off and now I'm fairly indifferent.
" I should have kicked you out years ago but I didn't want to make you end up living with some bloke as you could afford a house!" - Dad saying I was selfish for not moving out until I was late 20's
" I cant walk you up the isle or say nice things about you when I don't mean them" - Dad as I didn't have my sister for my bridesmaid
" You are going to make this child come out depressed if you carry on" - mum as I was suffering from depression when pregnant
"Its not like your are their dad, they wont be bothered" sister when falling out with me and justifying when he wont let me see them anymore
So sad for some stories here and not even sure if these are right, but I know I have been affected by this sort of thing my whole life and suffer low self esteem and low self confidence
This is just the thread I have been looking for . To my dh you ought to watch out for spanky2.She almost caused you big trouble . It was an accusation my dad made not me. and we see little point contacting her again . Um appart from the fact I'myour daughter !
Sugar rice my mum said exactly the same thing about my homemade card! She got a homemade present too and spent all day crying in bed. I was 10 or 11.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
My Narci ex friend - she referred to herself as posh, and I said that I didn't think she sounded posh, just a northern accent and she said to me
"well I tone it down when I'm talking to you, and put on a regional accent to make you feel more comfortable"
My narc mum after I told her exP had 1) dragged me off the sofa and across the floor by my hair and 2) pushed me into the middle of the road telling me he wanted me to die:
'Well, it was 6 to one and half a dozen to the other really..'
My narc exP regarding the above incidences:
'you pushed me to it; I was provocated'
Same narc exP
'It's your fault I'm eating so much cake and putting on weight, you should make me go to the gym more' (I never stopped him going once!)
Great thread, making me feel bit when reading but very cathartic too I think thanks
It is cathartic, isn't it? Being able to laugh at their ludicrous behaviour...it is like their kryptonite. Falling to the floor in histrionics, I mean, honestly, who does that? Ridiculous narc mothers, that's who.
to all here.
Bought newly born dd round to DP's. Talking about dd's birthweight, (9lbs) DM turned to DH and said "be like putting a cocktail stick in a cooling tower from now on".
Sorry that did make me laugh mostly out of shock and embarrassment.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
" I wouldn't have slept with my Ex if YOU had been more committed to our relationship! "
"Infertility is a such a fascinating issue. I literally came off the Pill, and was pregnant the same month. It must be a blow, to need help doing what we're here to do".
Said to me when being investigated for Subfertility.
Exp told me you will never find anyone better than me you may as well just stay with me (after sleeping with another woman and giving me an std)
My stupid abusive father once decided that a family dinner with my 90 year old grandfather was the perfect time to tell a horrendously inappropriate personal anecdote which involved liberal use of the phrase, 'fucking cunts' and graphic descriptions of a very violent and bloody fistfight. Grandpa was a very gentle soul and getting visibly distressed, so Mum, sister and I asked Dad to stop (we didn't like it either). Dad got angry that he was 'taking time to share my stories with you and you don't want to listen to them' and then went on to say, 'I may be the master of the house but it seems I've been crushed and I don't like it.'
He also made us live in a building site of a house (bare floorboards, walls, lightbulbs and windows, no heating etc) for nearly ten years - not because we couldn't afford to get people in to help do it up, but because he wanted to do it all himself to prove a point since Grandpa had given my parents money towards a deposit on their first house as a wedding present. Every few weeks he'd drag us into a room and scream at us about it because he was so stressed, but when we suggested he get some help in, he told us we should stop being so fucking ungrateful for all the work he was doing to provide a roof over our heads.
I don't think he was clinically narcissistic (that seems a popular new diagnosis to replace everyone having been sociopathic a few years ago), but he was indeed a massive shit.
Had sore leg. Very. Limping, hobbling. Mother dearest says to her friend 'Casimir is just faking it'. ff 2 days, one ambulance, emergency surgery and possible 'amputate leg' later. NC works.
My vile cousin who spent 30 years trying to make me feel like crap got married and lives an incredibly dull middle-aged life in her late 20s and was ver smug about it. When I split from my partner of 2.5 years and was devastated and feeling like crap, she said to me a month later:
I was just saying to DH, wasn't I DH' (cue for her DH to nodd which he did) ' I have no idea how people our age manage without being married. We are everything to each other and it must be terrible to be alone and have no one at all who is there for you'.
It was not long after that point I had had enough and went NC.
I am now married to my fab DH and have a DS but I would cope iif I was alone. My life would not be worthless and I would have lots of good friends who are there for me
but I would rather be alone in the whole world than her be the only other person
I don't think my DF was a true narcissist - he was socially inept and terrified that he was doing the wrong thing and couldn't keep up. He did have some spectacular fails, though.
When DM died in a car crash, I phoned to tell him that night. They had been divorced for almost a decade at this point, although he was always inviting her out for coffee/suggesting they go on holiday together. He was very upset and when he came round the next morning, he told me that if I hadn't phoned the previous night, he would have had a good night's sleep. If I hadn't phoned, he would have heard it as the lead item on the local news - which apparently would have been better.
When I told him I was pregnant with DD1, he asked me how that had happened... When I told him I was pregnant with DD2, he asked me if 1 child had not been enough - seems not, Dad.
When I threw out my nasty, cheating XH, I only told DF after a week, as he had been ill in hospital for 3 months and I didn't want to burden him. His reaction? He said "What about me?" What about you? I've been at your beck and call for the last week, 24 hours a day, so how as it affected you?????
He was very unwell still when XH left, but it was a good thing I wasn't expecting sympathy (I got none from him when DM died - he wanted me to comfort him) because there was no sympathy to be had from him!
"Why should I have respect for a bit of a kid like you?"
"He's a catch, he won't wait around for the likes of you"
Whenever I gave her anything for birthday or Christmas, "It's no good giving me something just the one day of teh year, I want you to be a good daughter all year round."
When my relationship broke up shortly before graduation "Well, you won't be having the party you planned (with boyfriend), there's hardly any point in us coming."
When I ended an abusive relationship, "You'll never meet anybody better."
When ex DP smashed the door down and I rang them for help, after first of all refusing to come, my mother said, "what did you do to provoke him?" and refused to take me with her.
When a friend attempted suicide, "I don't understand why that would upset you, unless it's your fault."
When I came out to her as gay, "You're only ever going to live half a life and everyone will keep their distance from you, I would."
When I confided in her about my anorexia, "You wouldn't be telling me if you weren't attention seeking, real anorexics are secretive"
Oh, and when her DP sexually assaulted me: "It would be your word against his and I wouldn't back you up, nobody would believe you"
Join the discussion
Please login first.