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Regale me with hilarious/ridiculous things that a narcissist or enabler has said to you....

(980 Posts)
Herrena Sat 16-Mar-13 12:25:15

I'll go first.

My DF acts as enabler for my narcissist M, although I doubt he's fully aware of this. We were discussing her and my god-awful childhood yesterday over skype when he dropped in this little gem:

'Well, you were so quiet. You didn't really defend yourself properly.'

shock What the actual fuck?!

I didn't really process the remark at the time but now I'm bloody fuming.

Go on, tell me yours. Let's laugh at the bastards and then maybe I won't spend the next week dwelling on my wrath

Midwife99 Thu 04-Apr-13 23:42:19

Are you ok knackered knitter? Your post was very sad sad

springyhappychick Fri 05-Apr-13 00:50:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BumBiscuits Fri 05-Apr-13 10:08:11

crushed until I discovered MN I had no idea what a narc was. My mother ticks all the boxes. I just thought I was unfortunate to have a jealous and nasty piece of work for a mother. Confusingly she is great with my DDs. That is the only reason she's still in our lives.

TheOneWithTheHair Fri 05-Apr-13 10:16:39

Oh I wish my mum was great with my dcs but she's not. She never payed any attention to them as babies. (Babies' emotions can't be manipulated.)

She recently had dd over for a sleepover and told her she was getting fat! She then proceeded to feed her all kinds of crap.

Dd is 9 ffs. She's not skinny but is average height/weight etc. I was furious. I rang her and told her that if anything, ever needed saying to dd then I would be the one to do it. I believe in educating my dcs about food/exercise. Not just saying they're fat.

I felt fat my whole life because of her snide remarks and I'm a size 10!

NotQuitePerfect Fri 05-Apr-13 17:16:21

Funny how so many narc mothers have issues with weight. My mother has always leaned towards chunkiness, but when she set out to (and was successful in) seducing my then boyfriend many years ago, she briefly became anorexic.

She loathes the fact that I am over 50 and still a size 8. Whenever my (chunky) golden child younger sister loses weight - as a result of dropping off the wagon again - my mother insists that she looks 'drawn' and 'too thin'. She doesn't - I'm not advocating alcoholism as a weight loss programme but whenever golden sister quits the booze she quickly puts on the lbs.

Feeling fed up today as DS1 keeps engineering rows about nothing. He was annoyed at me suggesting that, on his first ever driving lesson, the instructor might know a little more about the road than he does (not true, according to DS). He said I wasn't taking enough interest in his driving, even though we have talked of little else this week. I snapped and said that when I learned to drive I booked and paid for all my own lessons and never ever did either parent sit with me, encourage me or in fact even acknowledge the fact that I was learning to drive. When I passed my test they could not have cared less - it was a complete non-event for them.

I'm angry that things like this still make me angry. I know it's nothing compared to the abuse many people on here have suffered. Wish I could let go.

TheOneWithTheHair Fri 05-Apr-13 17:22:58

It's awful how one comment can unravel you though. I started to disbelieve my own eyes and wonder if I just wasn't seeing dd for how she is. Maybe she was fat and I just wasn't seeing it.

I was on the Wii Fit this morning and dd said she wanted to weigh herself. I normally avoid letting her but I've been in a tiz about it. We imputed her height, age etc and let it weigh her. She's bang in the middle of healthy. I'm gutted I let my mum get to me again.

TroublesomeEx Fri 05-Apr-13 17:48:41

When I asked my mother why it hadn't bothered her that my dad hit me/threw me across the room when I was a child she said:

"Of course it bothered me, that's why I always left the room so I didn't have to see it".


flaminhoopsaloolah Fri 05-Apr-13 18:44:31

Folkgirl - shock

NumberOneNumpty Fri 05-Apr-13 18:49:42

Have been following this thread with interest. I recognise my mum in some of these posts. In her case it's not that she thinks she's the best thing since sliced bread, it's that her self-esteem is non-existent so everybody else's around her has to be too. So, for example, my need as an adopted person to find out more about my birth parents, a natural and understandable thing to most people, is "attention-seeking" - how dare I try to find some answers, maybe even a bit of growth or fulfilment or happiness or confidence or peace, I must blend in with the furniture and be miserable like her!

NumberOneNumpty Fri 05-Apr-13 19:28:08

Also when my dad had a stomach ulcer when I was 10 or 11 she told me it was my fault - I'd stressed him out by being "naughty". Examples of this naughtiness included being upset when I came home one day to find my mum had "tidied up" my bedroom and chucked out all of the notebooks in which I did my creative writing. I was actually a well-behaved studious kid.

NotQuitePerfect Fri 05-Apr-13 19:28:37

TheOneWithTheHair I am so sorry that your mother's unkind and manipulative comments are still upsetting you. Why do we still do this when we are fully functioning adults?

I think it just goes to show how sh*t parenting can taint your thought processes for life, and becoming a parent yourself just makes you realise how unreasonably your own parents' behaviour is/was sad

I try to remember Janet Street-Porter's advice, which is to lie still for a few minutes after waking each morning and tell yourself that you are bloody brilliant and incredibly clever, no matter what other people may try to tell you to the contrary. That you have achieved everything you have by sheer hard work & intelligence, not by "luck" (as our underminers would have us believe). Sometimes it works, I promise you.

FolkGirl I can't even begin to feel your pain. You are a remarkable survivor, and very brave for confronting your Ma about your childhood. I hope to be that brave one day.

dothraki Sat 06-Apr-13 22:45:05

Folkgirl and Numberone shock

tb Sun 07-Apr-13 00:02:00

shock to so many others on here

The last time I spoke to 'd'm it was 7 years ago, and I was absolutely desperate to know the answer to a question. Until dd was 5, 10 years ago, I'd always thought the first time I was abused was when I was 8. My memory was of being angry, but not shocked.

Dd did something really silly - she tried to clamp my mouth shut to stop me talking, I'd told her I didn't like it, but she kept on doing it. One morning she came into our bed for a cuddle, and did it again - I reacted so strongly, I nearly pushed her on to the floor - and we had a high edwardian bed! Someone was putting a hand over my mouth to stop me crying out/or trying to smother me. They were about to penetrate me with something - again. They'd done it before and I knew it hurt, and I was scared that I was going to wet myself in fear. I was also scared because I was potty trained and didn't do that any more. All this was in pictures, and not in words, so I think it was from before I could speak.

I didn't start talking until I was 2, and according to stories my 'd'm told, my first words weren't in English.

I was pretty sure I knew who it was - 'd'm and her elder brother who died when I was 8.

Anyway, I rang her, and asked her who it was. She didn't deny the event, just asked me why I was asking her the question. As if she didn't know. It's really horrid of me, but she was so shocked by the question, she fell off her zimmer frame. I bet she thought that I'd never remember.

I contacted my childhood gp to see if there'd been any injuries consistent with such a thing, also a narc and best friends with dm - he said to me "there's such a thing as false memory syndrome, dear". Bastard - I was 50, not 15.

Still, it shows why I was angry, not shocked when I was 8. And it must have given dm a hell of a fright, me remembering nearly 50 years later. She must have thought she'd got away with it. Still, being a narc, she's now getting her heavenly reward, probably doesn't think there's anyone else up there grin (or down there, as the case may be)

CandlestickOlder Sun 07-Apr-13 00:26:36

"What's wrong with you? Are you sick? I think you need psychological help." Over and over again.

When I was about 15

I think I was fucking depressed. That'd be you hitting me and then ignoring me for days as I sobbed.

Fuck knows why I still see them. Feel guilty if I don't sad

TapirBackRider Sun 07-Apr-13 03:03:16

Just wanted to pop back and give everyone some flowers and an unmn hug or two.

I've spent a lot of time talking to such family members who are still friendly towards me (apparently I'm the bad guy in this hmm) and finding out what they remember about certain things in my childhood.

It's been an eye opener, and will take some time to get a grip on it all, but wanted to say a big thanks for listening to me way back ^^ there - it's been an eye opener for me.

TapirBackRider Sun 07-Apr-13 03:05:02

<that'd be both eyes opened then>

It's late blush

firebirdflamer Sun 07-Apr-13 03:15:14

When - years later - I tried to speak to my dad about how abusive he'd been and I told him about one specific (out of any number of) incident where he'd kicked me. The conversation went like this:

ME: You kicked me
DAD: No, I didn't
ME: I distinctly remember. I remember where I was in the room, I remember what you were angry about...
DAD: It's not true, I didn't kick you know how I know it's not true?
ME: looks puzzled
DAD: I didn't kick you, you're not capable of being kicked


crushedintherush Sun 07-Apr-13 15:29:24

Candlestick: 'What's wrong with you? Are you sick? I think you need psychiatric help'. A tried and tested answer when questioning them about the manner in which we were brought up. Doesn't help though, does it? Doesn't make it easier knowing its a knee jerk response. Fight or flight.

Firebirdflamer sad ...tried and tested as above. Its as if they are ready for us to ask, yet still refuse to take any blame. Again fight or flight.

CandlestickOlder Sun 07-Apr-13 16:12:02

Firebird - I've had similar conversations. There is total denial that things were done or said and it's usually followed up by 'Why are you lying? Why do you abuse me?'

CandlestickOlder Sun 07-Apr-13 16:13:17

Sorry if this has been linked to before, but I was googling last night and found this interesting

tb Sun 07-Apr-13 18:40:06

Candlestick if that's the site I think it is, it's a really scary one. There's one I couldn't bring myself to read any further it was so horrifying.

CandlestickOlder Sun 07-Apr-13 22:21:21

Why tb? Because you recognised everything?

tb Fri 12-Apr-13 21:22:57

I think it was because when I started to read some it, somehow it just overwhelmed me - despite all I remembered and recognised from reading psychology books to try and understand the 'why' of my childhood - with a sort of whirlpool/maelstrom of very powerful emotions.

I just couldn't handle them - so closed the page with a shudder, and don't feel like going back.

Oscalito Thu 25-Jul-13 08:35:04

Oh, god, so many from my mother....

On my wedding day, I asked her if my hair looked OK, as I wasn't sure about it.
DM: Sometimes the best views are from the back.

On the birth of my first child, when I rang her from the labour room, exhausted after a three day extravaganza, forceps, tear, meconium, cord around baby's neck etc.
Me: 'Mum, I've had a little boy!'
Her (in a furious tone) 'Oh, I've had a little boy, she says. WE HAVE BEEN SO WORRIED'.
Despite having told her the night before we were going to hospital and would call when we had the baby. hmm. Because, of course, it was all about her.

Coming to stay when baby was five weeks old.
DM: Oh look, the sun's shining. Let's go to Kensington Palace. (Across London, on two buses, in sleet and snow, because of course that's where she wants to go.)
Upon arrival: Do you just want to share a sandwich?
[No I fucking dont. I'm breastfeeding and exhausted and I've come all this way, the least you can do is buy me my own fucking lunch you stingy woman].
On the bus on the way home: 'You're not that tired, are you?'
Err.. I've got a newborn, I haven't slept for more than three hours since, yes, actually, I'm really tired.

The next day I went down with swine flu and pneumonia and was in hospital for ten days. She had to look after my baby full time during the day. She visited me twice in that time, and the second time spent most of the visit complaining because she'd marked her trousers.

She also said "oh, I just wear glasses like you and he can't tell the difference.'

I did actually respond to that comment, for once, with a 'gee, that's helpful.'

When I recently was shortlisted for a writing prize: 'Of course, I was hoping you'd win'
Yes, state the fucking obvious, why don't you?

Oh, and sending me a text to tell me a dear relative had died. She of course was at the hospital 'all night' hovering over the death bed, getting in the way, despite barely knowing the person in question, because she loves drama.

God, sorry for the essay.

Oscalito Thu 25-Jul-13 08:36:03

TB that site had me in shock for about two days and sent me straight to therapy. It's utterly chilling how closely my mother fits the description, and how complete my denial was until I had a child of my own.

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