Today is a Bad Day

[FromHereToNextTuesday]

Well for background, H has ended our marriage. I'm pregnant (unplanned) and we have two DC under four.

I've moved out of his damp, cramped nightmare of a house into somewhere lovely. The kids see him two nights a week (would prefer one). I'm close to friends and family, have a lot of support.

No one is here to call me a cunt, or a bitch, or tell me to fuck off. No one is kicking stuff into walls or breakingmirrors. No one is ignoring me in the name of 'space'. No one is 'sexting' other women for a 'release'. No one is promising, forgetting, sulking if I remind. No one is wishing I'd kill myself or my unborn child. No one is taking anyone else to hotel rooms. No one is loving me one second, despising me the next.

No one is fucked off if I'm half an hour late, then staying our all night themselves. No one is criticising my parenting, cleaning ability, appearance or sexual prowess. No one cares what I make for dinner. I don't feel on edge, I'm not given hell for having had depression. No one is hacking my emails or controlling my phone bill. There are no controlling, insular, deluded in-laws to make me miserable.

My children are in a healthy environment, they have a good school to go to, we can look forward to the baby. They eat better, sleep better. For the first time I am enjoying motherhood.

So why, WHY, am I sat here in tears because he has someone else? Why do I wish he was here sat next to me? Why did I fall for the 'pity shag' trick and why am I wishing it would happen again? Why does listening to a fucking Green Day song have me in floods of tears? Why am I keeping a t-shirt of his when I have binned my wedding album? Why am I so heartbroken? Why do I care that he now wears a bracelet, when he never wore the one I got him (petty...). Why do I wish I had him to hold? I miss his body, I miss his chaotic mind. I don't want anyone else to have it.

Knock this out of me, please. I am tougher than I sound.

[GirlWiththeLionHeart]

You have absolutely done the right thing, for you and your children.

What you're feeling is very normal! Give yourself time but don't give him anymore headspace.

Keep thinking of the shit things he did. You are worth so much more

[Lueji]

Hugs.

You are grieving a loss, of an ideal in your head, really, which allowed you to stay with him until recently.
Concentrate on your happiness and let him be. He clearly never cared about you and that poor woman may well soon discover his true self.

Is there something you can do to give you a happiness boost?

[Tubegirl]

Because part of you thinks if I just change, it will be alright. It's not you, it was never you. He won't change. But yes it hurts. Because when you were in the relationship you'll have been living for the good days and convincing yourself the rest was worth it. Because if he can be like that sometimes, why not all the time with a little work. You know deep dien you are now better off but it's the what ifs that we mourn for. Tomorrow will be a better day.

[kinkyfuckery]

The way you are feeling right now is normal. It does not mean you miss him, it means you are grieving for what could have (should have) been. You have done absolutely the right thing. You will get through this.

[FromHereToNextTuesday]

Thanks I know you are all right.

I also know this isn't the last bad day, but it will be one of them!

[fieldfare]

It is one of them, but they get fewer and farther between.
Stay strong and remember that you're doing the best thing for you and your dc. x

[Tubegirl]

Keep going, you can do it.

[MumVsKids]

Is the Green Day song Bad Riddance??( Time of your Life?)

Sweetheart, you sound sooooooo much better off without him, focus on all of the positives you listed above xx

[MyLittleDiva]

Think of the better future you are giving to your children. Pity the women who has ended up with him. You have to better deal.

[arthriticfingers]

I am so sorry you are feeling like this :(
FWIW, I am beginning to realize what a riduculous pathetic little shit my ex is.
There is no closure when you leave an abusive relationship.
There is nothing we could have done differently - except never have met them.
The fact that the inadequate tosser poor man has found another victim poor woman will eventually turn into a step towards complete freedom for you and the children.
You can always join the booze up us here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1703463-Support-thread-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-can-it-be-18?pg=17
And you could look for a local Freedom Programme:
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
Have a good cry and get some sleep.

[FromHereToNextTuesday]

MumvsKids it is. He once sent the lyrics to an ex girlfriend. When I heard it, it suddenly dawned on me that I'm the ex now!

Which I really should be, I know. Problem is we have children and there's no clean break. How do people deal with seeing them week in, week out for eighteen years and beyond?!

[Thumbwitch]

So sorry you're feeling down, FromHere. You're right though, it is just a Bad Day you're having - you have all those positives you listed to make you remember that you are SOOO much better off now he has moved on to his next "victim".

I know that doesn't stop missing the nice bits about him - unfortunately these twats are never completely all bad because if they were then they'd never attract nice women in the first place!

Just remember the nice bits were all for show; just like the pretty parts of various carnivorous plants - there to attract you so he can then devour your personality and spit you out as an empty husk.

You however have escaped, even if he had a hand in it - and you are in a Much Better Place. :)

[HermioneHatesHoovering]

Normal, normal, normal. I've been there. You are grieving the loss of the relationship, however bad it was. It takes time, you can't rush it, you will get there.

[lovesherdogstoomuch]

OP i was transfixed by your post. just keep reading it to remind yourself why you're better off without the pig! your dc's are eating and sleeping better. that's all you need to know. like the other posters say, you are grieving. just take it one day at a time and you'll be absolutely fine. you do sound strong. when your new baby arrives you'll be too busy to think about him. you HAVE escaped and you ARE in a much better place. good luck.

[Spero]

Agree with normal, absolutely normal!

This is a Bad Day. There will be others. Grief is not linear, you will go back and forth, you may have an Excellent Week then be pole axed out of the blue by grief and regret again. But it will get better.

And better some bad days than a bad life.

It is hard when you have to stay in touch because of children and I am sure it extends the grieving process because you can't just cut all contact. But it will get better. Try to stay detached, don't listen to sad songs. You are mourning the loss of what you hoped the relationship could be, not what it actually was.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Story for you...

My friend once had a really horrible cat. It scratched people, threw up everywhere, shat everywhere, hissed, spat and was generally a hairy PITA. And yet, when it died, she was more upset than she'd bargained for.

Goes to show that, no matter how rubbish something is, doesn't stop you missing it when it's gone.

Drop all contact with your ex except for the very bare essentials. Then make a supreme effort to fill the gaps he leaves in your life with better things, better people, better places. Stay very busy and don't give yourself time to dwell on the past.

Good luck

[FromHereToNextTuesday]

thank you all.
I need to print this thread and keep in for moments of weakness. Well done to those who got through the same.

[FromHereToNextTuesday]

Well he is now questioning paternity of 'that thing' a.k.a. my baby. When would I have had a chance to get impregnated by anyone else? Why would I want to?! I told him he was, and had been from the start, abusive. And I told him exactly why.

He is filing for divorce.

I really hope he wants nothing to do with this baby.

[lovesherdogstoomuch]

jesus. two words. GET RID.

[FromHereToNextTuesday]

Agreed!
Poor kids They should never be dragged into adult rows, it is not fair.

[Spero]

do not engage with him. Don't tell him what a shit he is, don't send him angry emails or texts. Do not get sucked in. He sounds a monster. He will not listen or apologise. Step away, as much as you can.

[Thumbwitch]

What an utter twatbadger he is! How fucking rude. With a bit of luck he really won't want anything to do with your baby, who will never have to suffer visits with someone who calls them a "thing" - but so sad for your other 2 babies, who do know him and will probably want to see him :(

[FromHereToNextTuesday]

I know. Things are so much worse if I engage. Ignore, ignore. I don't want him near any of them, but then that's about me and not the kids. Poor sods.

[Spero]

Remember that those who can't create, destroy. He wants to make an impact. If he can't have you fawning over him, he will have you weeping. Please try not to engage with him. I wasted many years of my life trying to get someone to listen and agree with me about what a shit he was. It will never happen. He is not worth a moment of your time.