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Getting him to properly commit

(119 Posts)
lightsandshapes Fri 15-Mar-13 14:30:00

Advice please!

Short version is that I have 1ds who is a gorgeous 15 month old and dp also has 2 dds aged 22 and 23. Him and their mum never married. I was not on the scene anywhere near their break up. He says is was a young relationship, he got her pregnant on the 2nd date and he (apparently begrudgingly) stayed with her for 8 years. That's his version. We all get on well. They are lovely girls and are good with ds. Anyway my problem is dps inability to commit to anything! It took him 5 years to agree to having ds1. Now he is the apple of his eye. It will probably take another 5 years to agree to a dc2. He owns his small house outright. I pay monthly bills (half) and buy the majority of the food. So he does ok out of me. But he won't marry (reckons just a piece of paper) and is dragging his heels about putting me and ds in a will so that if he pre deceases me, me and ds will be provided for (and there will be stability for ds so we are not kicked out of the house and essentially on the streets). He is 47 and so older than me as I'm 36. I have invested in the house, spending four grand on a new bathroom, etc etc etc.

I know you might say I went in wit my eyes open, and I should have got this figured put before I moved in, but I was kind of blinded by lust and attraction. Now I feel I've left me and ds pretty vulnerable. I wish now I had followed the rules or something and had no sex before marriage, but he wouldn't have stayed around I reckon.

How can I get him to marry or at least write a will protecting ds in his family home while he grows up? My dp is all talk and no action over anything! Even to the point of taking about home improvements and chores but not doing them...

Cabrinha Sat 16-Mar-13 19:04:30

Is the 50% (actually sounds like more, with food?) proportionate to your income? If not, make it so immediately.
Get your £4K back. In all honesty, and sorry to be harsh - but what in earth were you thinking of?! He has no mortgage, can afford to work part time - if he/you want a new bathroom in HIS house, let him pay for it.
Obviously that horse has bolted, but don't do similar again.
Do you actually want to be with him? It doesn't much sound like you do.
I'm not really of the opinion that you should automatically get half of a house he paid for - though having a child does make that com

Cabrinha Sat 16-Mar-13 19:05:56


You have a job, you have enough savings for a rental deposit / emergency. You don't sound like you actually want to be with him.
I'd talk to a solicitor and gear up to leave, tbh.

You can't make him commit.

LessMissAbs Sat 16-Mar-13 19:33:24

I'm with Izzyizin and PureQuintessence on this. I think you are mercenary and looking for a free meal ticket. I don't see why you can't have bought your own little rental property before now, since you are getting free accommodation (OK, you pay some bills, but everyone else has to pay bills too...). I don't see why you think the luxury of working part-time is essential when you are in such an insecure position, or why you didn't think about getting married before you had DS, or establishing a career, or any of those "normal, boring" things that people think about before having children.

You have no security in your life and its your own fault. You need to take security over your own consequences by getting a full time job and career or at least getting onto the property market.

I don't see why your DP should put your DS onto a will. Plenty of children don't expect to inherit, and your DS is only 18 months old.

You shouldn't "get" a man to marry you. A man should want to marry you. I didn't see anywhere in your post the word "love" in relation to this man. Your post is all about money

Did you post previously about wanting to get your partner to add you onto the title deeds of his house?

LessMissAbs Sat 16-Mar-13 19:41:43

We had an initial advice session with a very nice solicitor and so now all he needs to do is sign. So you think and ultimatum? Problem is he reacts strongly against them

I don't want to be unduly harsh, and am really trying to bite back my words here. But theres something about all of this that makes me kind of sick. You really, really want your hands on this man's house, don't you? You are coming across as a golddigger, certainly so to women like me who have always paid their own way through life.

Coffee1Sugar Sat 16-Mar-13 19:46:02

I stand by my earlier point. Why won't you get a full time job? I wish I could have stayed home with my dd longer but by the time she was 16mo I needed to go back to work. You know, to pay MY mortgage?! Sounds like you're a bit of a gold digger, no mention of love for this guy, just trying to get quids in on his estate. His daughters and ds come first, not you.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Sat 16-Mar-13 19:54:42

If I owned my own home outright and a DP wanted me to put them on the deeds I'd tell them that I would consider it in exchange for half of the value of the house.

What are you bringing to the party?

Sounds an equal split in terms of bills, work and childcare.

You seem like a bit of a gold digger and I think you've posted about this before. Unwilling to work more and buy your own place, you want it all on a plate and then some.

Shr0edinger Sat 16-Mar-13 19:57:20

Cant comment on your relationship, but use your money to save for your own place either rented or hopefully bought. dont have another child with him. would b harder to work. you d b more tied to him . nightmare. move on. i like dogs but u cant revolve your life around three dogs. make the decision u would make if u didnt have dogs, and then work around that.

Shr0edinger Sat 16-Mar-13 20:00:27

I think comments were a little harsh here. u r the one in a vulnerable position when u spkit. but would rather split in your shoes than marry a man who doesnt want u (but lets u pay half the bills) . He's alright if u split up! you have to look after u. i learnt this lesson the hard way.

Helltotheno Sat 16-Mar-13 20:21:41

I agree, comments have probably been a bit harsh OP, because the things you've described could be construed as gold digging. I'd be more concerned that you seem to be coasting a bit... not fully willing to fund your own life just because you have a child with someone who is fully independent. He's under no obligation to commit to you OP.

You never came back about the work thing, where you said you were 'burned out'. Surely you're not insinuating that you want to give up work altogether?!
It sounds like you have a good job and, if anything, should be looking to get back to full time (to something related but different if you're bored); after all, your DP will still be in a position to do a fair amount of childcare, whether you stay together or not, so you're in a better position than most. That way, you could earn more money to purchase yourself some independence.

I won't comment much on the dogs except to say that your lifestyle doesn't suggest that having a restriction of, not one, but three dogs is a good thing for you right now. To say you can't rent a place due to having dogs is a cop out imo.

lightsandshapes Sun 17-Mar-13 19:21:52

I think women are their own worst enemies when they call other women Gds. also what gold digger buys 99% of the food and spends 4k on their dps bathroom and more elsewhere. I have painted the whole house at my own cost, redecorated dss room, etc. a mug perhaps, gold digger no way. I am simply trying to create some stability for ds and I. I moved here out of love. I'm not afraid of mortgages and owned my own house before for many years.

Re burned out, I mean I might want to change direction work wise. To the poster who said why haven't I developed a career- I have and a very good one, got a phd and worked at a grade 8 in a uni for 15 years. I'm just not prepared to put work before my son and stick him in a nursery. Sorry if that offends anyone. He will go when he's older for social reasons, but not yet.

I think the person who said you can't have it all is right. Feminism has made us think we can, but we end up doing it all too. I think I'm going to live frugally, accept I am lucky to have this set up, realise this is slightly higher risk, but I allows me more life choices for now.

Oh and I should of said, 2 digs are mine1 is dps - I'm not dime weirdo fog collector!

lightsandshapes Sun 17-Mar-13 19:23:30

Helloto have you ever tried to rent with pets???? Not a cop out, reality I'm afraid. Around here anyway it's impossible,

lightsandshapes Sun 17-Mar-13 19:25:24

Sorry auto correct again. I meant to say I'm not some weirdo dog collector !

lightsandshapes Sun 17-Mar-13 19:28:55

Coffee1 I could bat that back to you and say why did YOU have kids if you knew you had a big mortgage to pay off? It's not nice to criticise other people's life choices.

Coffee1Sugar Sun 17-Mar-13 19:37:02

Not a big mortgage actually and none now at all BECAUSE I went back to work I now own my house outright and aged 25 im pretty damn proud of myself. Even more do because now I most certainly have stability for my daughter

Branleuse Sun 17-Mar-13 19:39:08

what on earth do you want THREE dogs for?

lightsandshapes Sun 17-Mar-13 20:10:51

Ahh, you're only 25. That explains why your perspective. Come back in ten years love, when life has knocked you around a bit. You won't be so self satisfied then. People like you make me want to vomit,

lightsandshapes Sun 17-Mar-13 20:18:13

Oh and I'm off to spend oodles of quality time with my son smile thank you truly to the constructive people you've given me plenty of ideas to think about.. Not so to the oh so predictable split up, work more, leave your dogs and hand your son over to a stranger to bring up brigade. Ironically, you've made me feel soon blessed with what I do have.

PureQuintessence Sun 17-Mar-13 20:22:22

"People like you make me want to vomit," shock How extremely rude!
Did you mean to sound like a patronizing cow?

Seems like you could do with life knocking some sense into you!

Helltotheno Sun 17-Mar-13 20:23:19

What were you looking for OP? Someone to suggest you give your dp rohypnol and force him to sign papers while he's out?

Sheesh, why did you bother posting???!!!

Shr0edinger Sun 17-Mar-13 20:23:30

lightandshapes, I agree with you. You're not a good digger, not when you're paying all those bills. BUT I do think you're at a difficult cross roads. You 've known deep down he doesn't really love you or want to marry you for a long time. If anything you've been a bit of a sucker paying his bills, feathering a nest which does not and will never belong to you. Time to accept the harsh truths and start spending your money and your time on your own nest. And as for the job, hopefully you can work part time?

lightsandshapes Sun 17-Mar-13 20:25:21

Well she had it coming tbh. When someone else is rude to me I'm rude back. And she was most certainly rude.

lightsandshapes Sun 17-Mar-13 20:27:21

Thanks shroedinger, you talk a lot of sense x

Shr0edinger Sun 17-Mar-13 20:27:25

I missed all that

expatinscotland Sun 17-Mar-13 20:31:17

'I'm just not prepared to put work before my son and stick him in a nursery. Sorry if that offends anyone. He will go when he's older for social reasons, but not yet'.

Then you are stuck being a mug. He will not change, he can't be manipulated into doing so, and you are vulnerable as all fuck. Your only real option is stop paying for all the food if you're not willing to work FT and get shot of all those dogs.

expatinscotland Sun 17-Mar-13 20:32:44

'Ahh, you're only 25. That explains why your perspective. Come back in ten years love, when life has knocked you around a bit. You won't be so self satisfied then.'

I'm 42, but even at 31 there's no way I'd have been such a mug.

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