Please help me to know what is right re contact arrangements for DS

[Orchidlady]

Would appreciate some advice on this as all new to me. DP left 3 weeks ago so all raw, I have a thread running about what a complete ass he has been, really messing with my head, though that is another story. Anyway he is seeing DS but it is really random, taking him to cinema, going to restaurant, being over affectionate, it all seems so false. Anyway last night he called DS on mobile as agreed, ( I am detaching for my own sanity) and asks DS if he would like to go to the pub on Sunday ( DS loves his food) and watch F1. I am fuming really as now if I say no I look the ogre. did have a few things planned. Anyway I need to know am I being unreasonable, Bit ironic really was part of our problem was DP lack interest in DS, now he is all over him, I think xdp is lonely ans using DS as company. Please can I have your thoughts.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

How old is your DS?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you should aim to set a schedule that fits with you and DS (talk to him about it) and then present your ex with a done deal. Rather than DS and Dad making arrangements between them behind your back - which is too big a responsibility for a child and gives you no control - you provide the framework, make him stick to it and any deviations you decide if they're OK or not.

I'd start with 'every other weekend' initially.

[botandhothered]

Depends how old your DS is.
If he's old enough to have a mobile phone, surely he is old enough to make his own arrangements wth his Father?
If you have made specific arrangements, you should let him know not to arrange anything on those occasions.

[Costypop]

Make your own arrangements such as every other weekend and a night in the week. I had this with my ex, such a pain but now sorted and so much better all round,

[Orchidlady]

So DS in 12, x has a big drink problem, I know for a fact that if they go to the pub Xdp will drink and then drive him back here, about 7 miles. DS said he will call me if his dad drinks too much, though I know xdp will insist he ok to drive and convince DS this to be the case. I have no idea which pub he wants to go to as Xdp is refusing to call me to discuss. I am not happy. What would you do?

[Chubfuddler]

That's completely different to a standard "what is fair" scenario. . Your ex is putting your DS at risk. I'd refuse unsupervised contact tbh.

[Orchidlady]

He has not concept how bad drinking and driving is. Last time he was here is was so pissed and I tried to take his keys. Was accused of being a control freak and trying to make him stay, what an ass, he can not be be trusted. DS will think I am the ogre in all this as usual. so pissed off tbh

[Orchidlady]

To add I am happy for him to see DS tomorrow but don't see why going to the pub should be part of it.

[Chubfuddler]

Put it through solicitors. Your DS is old enough to be told the truth - dads drinking puts him at risk, he cannot be trusted.

[Skyebluesapphire]

If he is drinking and driving, then do not let your DS go with him. I have asked XH not to text/email while he is driving with DD in the car as it worries me and is actually illegal for a reason, same as drink driving is....

i agree that you need some sort of schedule for contact. your DS is old enough to make his own decisions which will help, but i have found that EOW contact is best as I get a whole weekend with DD to do what we want, without XH looming in he distance. The downside is a whole weekend on my own EOW, but that is something that I just have to get used to.

Your childs safety has to be your number one priority though