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Is having a baby such a bad thing to help rebuild a troubled relationship?

(90 Posts)
TheCatAndTheFiddle Fri 15-Mar-13 09:25:04

I think I know it is but I need to hear it from external sources, and need to understand why.

I'm going to be brutally honest below - I have received a lot of help and support on the boards re the fling in the past.

DH and I have been through a rough patch. TTC unsuccessfully for a year, I then had a brief 'fling' with someone I work with (such a bloody cliche), I immediately sought individual counselling to discuss why I had done such a thing, I spoke honestly with DH about his own behaviour in our relationship some of which has also been appalling, 7 months on we are rebuilding our relationship and in couple counselling which has been great. I am more aware of both of our faults and needs, and at the moment I'm looking forward to a future with DH that a few months ago I thought was impossible.

We stopped the TTC in the circumstances, as is of course sensible, but now things are looking up I am desperate to start again for a few reasons. Firstly I want to 'cement' the relationship with DH that has been rocky in the recent past, secondly, my age/situation just mean my biological urges are strong, and thirdly (and this is the worst reason) I still work with the colleague and he has made it clear he is interested in me. On some level I want to send a message to him that anything between us is definitely over and that my DH and I have a future together.

Please help me - I know how stupid I'm being but I'm feeling desperate. The year of unsuccessful TTC has terrified me that if/when we ever try again it may not work for a long time or at all.

To me it seems like a baby might give DH and I something to bring us closer together, something to look forward to, a solid future. I am an idiot, I know this...

CalamityKate Fri 15-Mar-13 09:27:20

Given the stresses that having a baby introduces to even the strongest relationships, what makes you think that your relationship will be "cemented" by a baby?

GirlWiththeLionHeart Fri 15-Mar-13 09:28:10

If it were me (talking as someone with a 10 week old) I would wait until you two are very solid and strong.
A baby will test your relationship to the very core. It is bloody hard work at the beginning and there's not much time or energy to concentrate on the relationship.
Me and dp were solid before baby and now we are going to attend couples counselling due to stress and sleep deprivation affecting our relationship.
Carry on counselling, maybe go on a nice holiday together to bond more?

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 15-Mar-13 09:28:38

Oh dear, sound difficult TheCat.

Sounds as if you are still hung up on the OM. Otherwise you wouldn't need any big gestures to send him a message that its truly over.

Working with him must make it hard. Any chance that could change?

Having a baby puts great stress on the strongest of relationships.

moogy1a Fri 15-Mar-13 09:28:55

ha ha ha ha...
oh, you're being serious?! no, a glue baby would not help. A human being should not be brought into the world for some selfish misguided attempt to sort out your rubbish love / sex life. ( I'm actually feeling sorry for a child who doesn't exist yet)

GirlWiththeLionHeart Fri 15-Mar-13 09:29:40

That's quite harsh moogy hmm

scaevola Fri 15-Mar-13 09:30:00

What does your DH think about TTC?

There is no timetable for when a relationship has reconciled "enough". The key thing is if you are both ready to make a commitment to the future.

It can take months, even years, for the betrayed partner to feel confident in a relationship again, and it is important that they set the pace. For, in your cad, if he is not sure of you he certainly isn't sure of you plus one.

ubik Fri 15-Mar-13 09:31:54

There is nothing like a baby to test a relationship. Don't do it. Really don't.

bigbuttons Fri 15-Mar-13 09:32:41

No I baby would not bring you closer together. Babies test the very strongest of relationships. I totally understand your need to have baby though. but please be very clear in your head that a baby would most probably send things into tail spin.

moogy1a Fri 15-Mar-13 09:33:04

I know, sorry. very very tired with 12 week old not sleeping and just think it's ridiculous to think coping with a newborn/ toddler / child would be mad if you were already in a rocky relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 15-Mar-13 09:33:11

Yes, you're an idiot. Don't have a baby just because you think you're running out of time or to spite someone else, and don't have a baby with a man that you're not sure about. If your life is a mess, deal with the mess... don't bring some poor kid into it and burden it with so much responsibility before it can even open its eyes.

DeafLeopard Fri 15-Mar-13 09:33:46

A baby will put strain on even the strongest of relationships to the extent that you would not believe.

Sleep deprivation, having to prioritise another person above everything, your day revolving round the baby's timetable......not to mention the sheer hatred and bile that you feel for the man that you love when you can't settle a baby and they are snoring blissfully at 3am.

Then add PND to the mix - it's pretty usual to get it to some extent, diagnosed and treated or not.

DH and I had a rock solid marriage, we had DS and everything crumbled. We blamed each other for everything, resented and nit picked at one another. Of course when we came through the fog and out the other side, we could see this and we are over a decade down the line, but a fragile relationship will really be tested by a baby.

moogy1a Fri 15-Mar-13 09:34:30

how old are you? is the biological clock really on its last few minutes or could you wait at least a year?

GirlWiththeLionHeart Fri 15-Mar-13 09:36:45

Sleep deprivation, having to prioritise another person above everything, your day revolving round the baby's timetable......not to mention the sheer hatred and bile that you feel for the man that you love when you can't settle a baby and they are snoring blissfully at 3am.

THIS! listen to this op

GirlWiththeLionHeart Fri 15-Mar-13 09:38:14

I'm in the same boat moogy smile but those without children really don't know how hard it is til they do it. I always thought it can't be that hard <hollow laugh>

ginhag Fri 15-Mar-13 09:38:33

What deafleopard said. ABSOLUTELY.

Babies are hard work even when things are good.

saycheeeeeese Fri 15-Mar-13 09:39:06

moogie what a vile attitude to someone genuinely asking for help.

OP I have a very strong marriage but having a baby has damaged us, I don't know if we will ever get back to the way we were. My advice would be to wait until the relationship is stronger.

As for the bloke at work I think you need to tell him once and for all you are out of bounds, do you still have feelings for him? If so you need to find somewhere else to work.

saycheeeeeese Fri 15-Mar-13 09:40:00

Sorry moogie x posted.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Fri 15-Mar-13 09:40:09

I can understand that when time is running out there is a huge urge to conceive, but I think you need to ask yourself IF things don't go according to plan in your relationship, could you be a single mother?

On one hand it would be very sad when that biological clock stops ticking and not being able to have a child, BUT very unfair on it to be brought up with two terrible parents.

Have you got the strength and ability to be a single parent?

With regards to that other man in your office - that is such a shallow reason to have a baby - just ignore him or tell him to get lost.

prettywhiteguitar Fri 15-Mar-13 09:41:09

honestly having a baby causes more arguements and division - hormones, being sleep deprived, inequal division of chores

every little thing they do when you are pregnant annoys the hell out of you, you dont want to have sex (for the first couple of months) everyones different but this is my experience....

if you thnk you can cope with it, you know your own relationship but having a baby broke up one relationship I was in and I made sure when I had another child my dp and I were totally solid

we still argued about stuff but we knew it was temporary and because of being tired and hormones plus he was very very patient, your life after having a child becomes more limited so not a lot of date nights and going out which is a great way to get your relationship back in the fun stage

i dont recommend

scaevola Fri 15-Mar-13 09:41:29

If there's a biological clock ticking here, I think OP needs to accept that the list time is part of the price tag of the affair.

And, although easier said than done in the current economic crisis, she really does need to look for a different job (again, part of the price tag). And whilst that is happening, there needs (really needs) to be no contact other than strictly professional with the former affair partner. If he's been able to show his continuing interest, then OP has not yet achieved this. And without it, there's little prospect of true reconciliation with DH.

TheCatAndTheFiddle Fri 15-Mar-13 09:43:28

Wow moogy, being told someone feels sorry for your unconceived child is pretty hurtful. Edit - I see you have a newborn, and hope you can get some sleep and enjoy things a little more. I could wait a year as I am early 30s but the year of TTC has terrified me.

Thanks for the other responses too, can't believe how fast they have been! I know you are all right. I wonder if I'm a bit carried away, feeling buoyant that DH and I feeling happier and sticking together. I feel like I want to be back where we were before.

Re the OM, yes I admit I am a bit hung up on him, he/the whole thing affected me more deeply than I could ever have imagined. I wish my work situation could change but for many reasons it's not possible and I hate that. Perhaps I see going on Mat Leave as a way of short-term changing my work situation. Hmmm.

DH has, not surprisingly, properly backed off from TTC, buying a house, anything that is a commitment! I fully appreciate his pov and will wait for him to be ready - I suppose I just worry that he does not have a clock ticking like I do.

Anyway, I suppose the main thing is that the mess is being sorted out and that we are happier than we have been for a long time. Thanks again for the replies.

moogy1a Fri 15-Mar-13 09:48:09

Perhaps I see going on Mat Leave as a way of short-term changing my work situation. Hmmm.
Sweet lord, I think I might be taking back my "sorry"
try taking all your annual leave if you need timer off, not have a baby.

TheCatAndTheFiddle Fri 15-Mar-13 09:48:25

Sorry, just to clarify re the OM, I don't mean in any way I have feelings for him, but you are right perhaps I am not clear enough with him that there is nothing between us. I have moved departments (at my request) and now rarely see him at work.

I think I mean I am hung up on the whole situation, what I did and what led to it - not the man himself.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Fri 15-Mar-13 09:49:41

If your dh has property back off from ttc, how were you going to ttc?

Sounds like you've seen the light a bit <phew> enjoy getting your relationship back. Maybe this time next year you will be ttc smile

Good luck op

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