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Has anyone disowned anyone from their family and if so how did others react to that?

(42 Posts)
ilikeyoursleeves Thu 14-Mar-13 22:23:41

Very long story but after a lifetime of dealing with my sisters lies, bullshit, and utter crap I have decided to not contact her again, at this point in time I would honestly not care if I never saw her again.

It's on the background of her telling lies her whole life, from white lies to downright venomous and spiteful ones. So much I don't know what to believe any more. She is 40 but still doesn't take any responsibility at all for anything. Various things have happened recently which have made me think that I can no longer find the energy to deal with her, whenever I have tried to help her seek professional help (I think she has a personality disorder) she throws it back in my face or twists anything I say.

I don't have the strength or the desire to be stressed by her any longer. I told my dad and my brother this- my dad just said 'give it time' and my brother says life is too short to cut her out especially since she's family. I personally think life is too short to put up with her shit any more.

What have other people's experiences been who've tried to cease contact with a toxic relative?! Thanks.

iclaudius Mon 18-Mar-13 11:48:48

Seconded!!! Raises imaginary fizz!!!!

ilikeyoursleeves Sat 16-Mar-13 21:56:28

Well said lovesyourdog!!! Up their bums indeed!

lovesherdogstoomuch Sat 16-Mar-13 21:39:59

jesus. i feel for you. yes i have an utterly mental sister. am detaching as we speak. haven;t the energy for all the abusive shit any more. i got told to fuck off too. so. take each day as it comes. it's a tough decision. i think it's time for a glass of wine. chin chin and Up YA Bum to all rank sisters out there.!!

dothraki Sat 16-Mar-13 18:37:30

It is sooo good when you no longer have to see them.

See - you're feeling better already grin

ilikeyoursleeves Sat 16-Mar-13 17:23:50

Dothraki- yes, big breaths required! She sounds like a nightmare. I'm just sorry to see how many of these toxic types are around. I just spoke to my dad there and I said I still stand by what I said, that I don't want anything to do with her. Thankfully he just listened and didn't say I shouldn't give up hope blah blah like my brother said. He said she's just alienating everyone with her behaviour and described her as something out if a Jeremy Kyle episode. He also knows she's said she is 'getting help' a million times before but nothing changes. Tbh even if she does change by some utter miracle, she's done too much damage to ever get any respect from me ever again. Not that I have ever really respected her but you know what I mean!!!

I actually feel good about the prospect of not having to see her again or listen to her shite any more.

dothraki Sat 16-Mar-13 13:46:25

My dh cut out his toxic adult d. We have encountered lots of crap from her dh, her db and dh's xw. They all know she said lots of vile lies about all of us, but they all think the sun shines out of her arse. I think she told them she had apologised to dh. The so called apology was "I've done nothing wrong dothraki's a bitch its all her fault." I don't know how this is apologising, she was also extreemly critical of her dm, and db's gf (she won't hug her - shes too fat, won't hug db he's too thinconfused). They all think she is a wonderful mum - can't figure that one out - she let ds when he was 4 play call of duty - and couldn't figure out why he went round hitting everyone. She never disciplines her dc - they're only babies - er no - the eldest is not a baby. Everything in her world is about her. One childwas recently hospitalised as she left it soo long before seeing the gp. She thinks calpol and cuddles solves every child health problem. I fear for her children growing up in such a toxic environment - but we can't do anything about it.
It is very painful for dh - he could not believe the nasty spiteful lies she told about him. He thought it would be resolved if she apologised. Now he has reflected on the last 5 years and he has seen she has been a nasty bitch all that time. I thought she was depressed, I thought her dh controlled her - but she went way to far - to the far side of fuckity fuck shock - we then saw that she was the manipulator, she clicks her fingers and the entire family come running. She clicked her fingers once to often. They all turned up, db my dh and her dm - (I was not invited as I am only on her radar for abuse). I told dh not to go that it was a trap. He went - the others were only invited so they could watch her try to humiliate him. It backfired on her spectacularly - he believed she was going to say she had split from her dh (she would never ever do that ffs when she caught him cheating her solution was to have another baby). She said why have you not been to visit - he said because your dh cheated. Her response was exactly what I had warned him it would be - deny, lie, and cry. Apart from abusive texts we have not heard from her since.
and breathe
<sorry for the rant - at least you know you are not alone>

ilikeyoursleeves Sat 16-Mar-13 12:58:00

And don't give me any shit about having no money. Still has enough to smoke enough for her babies to be born prematurely with breathing problems and enough for me to throw her daughters birthday cake in the bin that she brought over cos it actually tasted, not just smelled, of fags.

Bloody scrounger.

ilikeyoursleeves Sat 16-Mar-13 12:55:15

Omg yes the 'its alright for you' argument!

She has said that to me 'it's alright for you cos you've got a decent job' when she was going on about having no money and no 'decent' job. She thinks working in a call centre or something is below her even though she could probably only cope with working in a factory tbh.

Hmmm yes it's alright for me isn't it cos my professional job just landed on my lap. No I didn't stick in at school, go to university twice to get a degree and Doctorate and study my arse off for 9 years.


NotQuitePerfect Sat 16-Mar-13 12:22:41

Here here Donna!

OP - how well I know that "everyone else's fault" default setting.

My sis never takes responsibility for how her life has turned out. Her list of people to blame is endless. And of course "it's alright for you ....."

Yes, it is alright for us because we've always worked hard, looked after our children and ensured that they attended school (basic!), lived within our means and the law and don't hang out with violent, thieving, scrounging thugs!

Rant over. smile

DonnaMoss Sat 16-Mar-13 11:54:30

I cut my father out 10 years ago at the age of 18. He was a violent drunk. It came at a price though as I also had to walk away from the entire side of the family as they were all enablers.

He has never met his son in law or granddaughter but I figure that's his loss. I have had to have counselling but that's more to do with abismal self esteem issues from his bullying but I am a million times better that I would be if he were in my life.

Family means nothing if they pull you down x

ilikeyoursleeves Sat 16-Mar-13 11:22:35

Thanks for the support!

My parents see her more often but that's cos they live closer. If I had my fair hat on I could say at least my sister has them over for lunch every few weeks and that's good cos my parents are quite isolated. BUT she has also been causing my dad untold stress these past few weeks with her latest antics.

My dad said her partner turned up at the door this week with some soup for them. He appreciated it but I felt like screaming to him 'this man has been in prison for domestic violence! He walked out on his two previous children! He hits your grandchildren! He emotionally abuses your daughter!' But I don't even know if all that is true given I can't believe anything my sister says although I do know he walked out on his previous family and doesn't see them anymore.

Her partners mum inherited a huge local business and is therefore very well off so tbh I think my sister just stays with him for the free ride (while claiming benefits too). She kicked off in reaction to her MIL calling her a scrounger. Then kicked off at me when I tried to get help for her inc asking to call her health visitor out of concern for her mental health and safety of the kids, accusing me of plotting to get her kids taken off her.

It's always someone's else's fault in her world.

I'm not taking it any more.

littlebitofthislittlebitofthat Sat 16-Mar-13 11:21:22

it is possible to attend a family reunion and keep her at arms lenght. the trick is to have someone 'in the know'. so go to the party, say hello, then move onto another person.

If she corners you... get the person 'in the know' to require your presence at another location in the party.

go to the toilet/ for a drink/check on the kids. spend time with the rest of the family. Dont let her FORCE you out.

Good luck (i have done this with one of my family members with increadibly easy results) the thing is that when she complains about you being funny, everyone will say, but she was talking to you at the party.

NotQuitePerfect Sat 16-Mar-13 11:12:24

And why is it that these siblings are always the ones that get all the parental input?
My sister is a feckless, idle alcoholic who has cut contact with her 15 year old as her equally bloody useless partner didn't want him in the house anymore (luckily, he now lives with his father and is doing really well).

She constantly 'borrows' and never repays £££s, she abuses friendships, lives entirely on benefits and basically couldn't give a f*ck about anyone.

Yet my mother adores her, talks incessantly about her and how hard her life is - wtf? - and barely knows a thing about my life or that of my DH & DCs.

Sorry, this thread is bringing out the needy, jealous child in me.

But it's good to know we are not alone, there are thousands of us struggling with family relationships.

Incidentally, OP, I went nc with my father about 8 years ago. Best thing I ever did, my only regret is that I didn't do it decades earlier.

Good luck with your decision, you have a lot of support here!

NotQuitePerfect Sat 16-Mar-13 11:02:24

She sounds an absolute nightmare. Get her out of your life!

ilikeyoursleeves Sat 16-Mar-13 10:16:02

It's good to know that I'm not the only one with a crazy relative! Given most people have normal and good relationships with their siblings I feel that they don't really understand what it's like or think I'm being too harsh.

Lately I've been reflecting on the things she's done or said in my life and its helping me to make a break from her. This may be long but this thread is proving to be quite cathartic to me so hope you don't mind getting things off my chest...

- she used to steal or destroy so many things off me my dad had to put a padlock on my wardrobe
- I had a second cousin come stay from Canada who had been my pen pal for years, because her staying was something for me and not her, she made the cousins life hell all week and treated her like utter shit
-a girl was brutally murdered in our town when we were teenagers. My sister told everyone she had been with her the night she died and was her best friend. (She had never met her in her life!)
- she told everyone she had been anorexic in earlier years (she hadn't been)
- she deliberately broke a ring that my parents had bought me for my birthday cos she knew I loved it
- she tried to poison a boyfriends mum by putting something in her drink (can't remember now what it was)
- at a huge family reunion about 10 years ago she told all the relatives that she was training to be a barrister (a load of crap, she doesn't even have one qualification and has always been on benefits bar working in call centres)
- she said one of her babies was born with pneumonia cos she was prem and had breathing difficulties. Nothing to do with the fact she smoked like a chimney through the entire pregnancy. As she did with the other two kids who were also prem and had breathing problems.
- she said she couldn't get married any more to her partner because 'dads shares have dropped in value' WTF!!!! Pay for it your bloody self!
- she has fraudulently claimed benefits and still does
- she doesn't ever plan to work again 'because why should I?'
- she was aghast when I told her how much I pay in childcare, she said 'but your tax credits will cover it' and honestly was surprised when I said I didn't get tax credits and that's why I have a job!!!!
- she is racist and I once heard her say to my dad to 'run over all the Paki's' when we drove through an Asian area!!!!!!!
- she has always been disgusted with the fact that I breastfeed my babies
- she laughed when someone died the other week

...I could go on. I really could but I'd frankly be here all day.


Wannabestepfordwife Sat 16-Mar-13 09:55:47

A couple of years ago I decided to disown my "df" he has been ea and pa all my life. I have to say my life is a hundred times better without him and I'm glad that I will never have to let him anywhere near my dd.

With family events I could be civil if we were both there but "df" decides not to attend. I also think my dad is mentally ill but he refuses to admit it and accuses every one else of having mh problems.

If someone is truly toxic cut them out and your family even if they don't say it out loud will probably agree with your decision.

manticlimactic Sat 16-Mar-13 09:49:32

Sounds like a lot of people share the same sister grin

I've disowned my eldest sister (I have 4). She's a selfish arse who thinks the world owes her a favour. She's suffered from depression but despite several attempts to help her emotionally as well as financially she just doesn't give a shit about anyone apart from her self. She's lied, stolen money from our elderly mum, tried to blame her son and and when she saw we were withdrawing and weren't prepared to hand out money to solve her debt problems and told her she had to get professional help again tried to emotionally blackmail Mum and attempted suicide with tablets you couldn't overdose on hmm sending a suicide letter to the police to contact her son.

I emotionally detached from her when she stole from mum. I was prepared to give her a chance to make it up to Mum. Maybe not repay the money but go and visit her behave like a daughter should, help her out, make her meal etc instead of leaving it all to everyone else even though she lives two minutes down the road from my mum.Even an apology would be a start ffs. But nothing.

At Christmas we had the whole family dinner. She was rude, entitled and I had to stop myself from pushing her down the stairs when she barged past me giving me the evils as if I had done something wrong.

It's taken my other sisters a while longer to get to where I am. At first they were all 'Oh, but she's lonely/has problems/needs help' now they see her for what she is and no amount of help or mollycoddling will change that.

She's now started moaning that her son (30) speaks to her like shit and won't go out of his way to help her now she's struggling to walk and get out and about like my mum. Well you know what? 1-0 to karma grin

God that's long sorry.

ilikeyoursleeves Sat 16-Mar-13 09:25:39

I take it you have a mental sister too? My sister wouldn't stay over if she visited, but doesn't drive so her equally mental partner would have to come over too. She recently left him, saying he is emotionally abusive and hits the kids etc sad I tried to support her at first although I took it all with a large pinch of salt given she has told attention seeking lies her WHOLE life. But a third party has said she's witnessed her partner being an utter arsehole so I think there's an element if truth too. My sister said her kids will get taken off her if she goes back to him. Lo and behold she's gone back despite getting support from women's aid etc. when I asked why she has returned (I asked in a nice way) I was told to fuck off.

If what she says is true I don't want her partner in my house either. Apparently he's been in jail for two years for domestic abuse. No idea if true or not but still.

Happy family reunion! Ha bloody ha. My parents seem to be blind to it all, must be hard for them too though sad

lovesherdogstoomuch Sat 16-Mar-13 08:11:35

OP i understand how you feel. i think i might be a people pleaser as well. i get diverted and do things to keep the peace then am angry with myself that i didn't stick to my guns. if you could bear to do the reunion for your dear parents (gritted teeth) but stay well away from your sister would you be able to manage that? and don't engage if you can. surely your sister won't expect to stay at your house as she must know things are strained? i sort of feel your brother should be helping you with this problem. it's all very well for him the other side of the world, but you're the one on her doorstep. yuk. bloody mental sisters. who are they?! who the hell are they?! ok i'll calm down. i can feel myself getting angry. smile

ilikeyoursleeves Fri 15-Mar-13 22:05:27

Maybe a compromise is best, that I don't see her at all 'normally' but could put up with her when my brother is over.

ilikeyoursleeves Fri 15-Mar-13 22:03:23

I think I'd probably have to have my parents, brother and his wife, plus toxic sister and her partner & kids over at my house though. We live in a bigger house that could accommodate a big dinner, plus would probably pay for it.

Actually even thinking about this is making me both anxious and angry. My sister has claimed benefits all her life so won't offer a penny towards anything if we had a reunion. And wouldn't put in any work. Maybe I could just invite my parents and brother here for dinner a few times but not my sister, then if there's a reunion chat it could be held at my parents or sisters. But my mum has dementia and it wouldn't be fair to expect my dad to have something at their house, though I think my brother plans to stay there.

Argh I hate this. I am a bit of a people pleaser and worry what others think so putting up a stance to cut someone off is both very enticing but anxiety provoking too sad


slambang Fri 15-Mar-13 21:49:45

I haven't but dh has. It made life better.

Regarding the family reunion thing - do you have to make a formal announcement of NC starting now? Does it have to be black and white, now or never? Instead, it seems a lot of people have found it effective just to reduce and reduce contact until it's non existent without actually adding to the drama by making a big noise about it.

So, you don't respond to her emails, texts. You make excuses not to attend events your sister will be at that you don't want to go to, but for major family events weddings and funerals (and reunions??) you attend, and make sure you're not seated near her, don't initiate communication but on the other hand respond politely and non commitally to chat or can you pass the salt.

Perhaps the reunion is an event where your parents and brothers feelings take priority.

ilikeyoursleeves Fri 15-Mar-13 21:26:32

I could normally avoid her quite easily but I'm now worried about how it will be when my brother comes over in summer. I feel bad for my parents cos they haven't had all the family together for 8 years but from how my sister is and from what I hear her partner is really like, I have no desire to spend any time with them.

I bet ill be labelled the problem one if I say I don't want to go to a family reunion thing. It will probably be the last time all my parents children could all be together since they are getting old and doubt my brother will come back after this visit.

messybedhead Fri 15-Mar-13 21:16:14

I did and it really is wonderful. Sure it makes it awkward ensuring that we are not at the same family event together ... But it means I don't have to see them or listen to them ever again.

The rest of the family are used to it now and will make sure we don't attend the same things, and as I understand that the wider family cannot choose between us, I don't mind being told that Horrible Disowned Person is coming so I can't as I know next time they'll be told the same about me.

Moanranger Fri 15-Mar-13 21:15:53

Great to see so many people have done what I have done. In my case, it was a toxic brother. I agree with the rest. There is a lot of societal pressure to play happy families, but in certain cases, as all above, it's impossible. Your own mental well- being counts for more.

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