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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Would you approach the Ex Wife?

31 replies

LemonDrizzled · 13/03/2013 20:21

I have been with DP for 18 months. His ExW left him 3+ years ago for OM. They have 3 DC who are young adults. We all get on fine. I have met ExW twice and she is chilly but polite.

Coming up is an activity for the oldest DC that we wanted to go to to support him. ExW has told DP she is uncomfortable going if I am there. So I have dropped out cheerily because DC1 is the priority and would presumably prefer having both his DPs there.

My question is this: Should I try to talk to her and reassure her that I care about her DC and will always act in their interests because it makes DP happy? Or just leave it to DP to negotiate with her? He can't see why she has a problem with me as we met two years after she left. He doesn't get that this is an emotional reaction.

What would you do?

OP posts:

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scaevola · 13/03/2013 20:23

Leave it to DP. But probably have a word with him about what you would like him to achieve on this one.

Uppatreecuppatea · 13/03/2013 20:30

Firstly, I think it is very sensible and reasonable of you to bow out. It shows your maturity.

I think the mother is being completely unreasonable. Will the OM she left the marriage for be there?

My advice is to stay bowed out this time but ask your DP to let the ExWife know that you wanted to be there to support the DC and ask for her to be more reasonable next time.

You are part of their lives and would reasonably want to be involved.

Frankly, I think she has a cheek but in these situations, the DC always come first and whatever is best for them should rule your decisions.

crazycrush · 13/03/2013 20:34

She's best left alone. IMO she's just still possessive of your partner (attention seeking behaviour) and I doubt you would manage to win her over or reassure her.

LittleEdie · 13/03/2013 20:39

I think it's completely normal to feel awkward around an ex's new partner, and given a choice I can see why she'd rather not have you there. It needn't be a big deal. Remain friendly but you don't need to talk to her.

LemonDrizzled · 13/03/2013 21:33

Thanks all. I am reassured by your responses.

Uppa I totally agree the DC should come first and the adults should act adult. I will have a riotous evening with DPs Dad who doesn't want to go along
crazy I don't for a minute want to be her friend (although in other circumstances we would probably get on as we share a lot of values) Also she treated DP very horribly and although he is generous and forgiving I am not!
Little I feel similarly about my XH new DP but I swallow my discomfort "to practise for weddings" as my DD1 says!!
I will talk to DP about what would be a good next step. Maybe to encourage her to go along with her DP?? That might help her. I will be spitting if I find he goes on Saturday!

OP posts:

LittleEdie · 13/03/2013 22:03

I see what you mean about practicing for weddings .

WallyBantersJunkBox · 14/03/2013 00:22

It sounds a bit attention seeking on her side, doesn't it?

She left him for another man, but she has a problem with her exes new partner who he met and took up with in a completely honest, healthy and upfront situation.

Is it because she has left the OM op, and feels jealous and insecure? She has no right to feel uncomfortable around a situation that she engineered herself.

You are taking the mature moral high road and thinking about the DC, which is great, but did the DC want you there?

SolidGoldBrass · 14/03/2013 01:47

Given the circumstances you have described I would be inclined to convey to her, perhaps via DP, a suggestion that she gets the fuck over herself and that she's not in charge. More politely worded, of course and TBH only if my relationship with DC was so good that DC would prefer me to be there.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 14/03/2013 15:45

Love that response Solid, absolutely love it.

FryOneFatManic · 14/03/2013 15:52

Actually, if DC1 is a young adult, surely it's all about him/her at this event? What does s/he want to happen? Ids/he wants all of you there, then the mum will have to suck it up.

racingheart · 14/03/2013 16:00

It's not about her wishes, it's about DCs. What does DC1 want? If you are wanted there, go.

HerbyVore · 14/03/2013 16:03

I agree with SGB - there are going to be plenty of occasions in the future that she is going to have to face her exH's partner being there, graduations, significant Birthday's, Weddings - why should you have to bow out because she is uncomfortable?

If she feels uncomfortable that's her problem not yours, especially as the situation is of her own making.

springyhiphop · 14/03/2013 23:06

My guess is that she's not jealous of your relationship with her ex, she's jealous of your relationship with her kids.

and, tbh, that's a tough one for all of us. Regardless whether we went off with someone else or not, it's irrelevant.

LemonDrizzled · 15/03/2013 15:27

Interesting replies-thanks to all who replied. DC1 probably won't mind either way whether I go along. DP is all for keeping ExW sweet as long as I am not upset (which I am not).
ExW is a bit of a strange one and not at all cuddly or hands on with her DC. But springy you may be right she could feel left out when I do stuff with them. She thinks showing affection is "spoiling" whereas DP is a very huggy jokey sort and so am I. Maybe they have been expressing a bit too much enthusiasm for me!
I shall keep quiet for now and see how things develop in future.

OP posts:

Grinkly · 15/03/2013 22:43

Practising for weddings could be something your DH mentions to his ex, better to get into the way of mixing now than later.

LittleEdie · 15/03/2013 22:58

Well if you're all over her DCs in fronts of her that does honesty put a slightly different complexion on it.

badinage · 16/03/2013 00:54

If the mum's new partner is going to this event, it does seem unreasonable for you to be asked not to, but if he isn't, it seems fine if it's a parents only event.

I do get the sense though that you're setting yourself up for some unnecessarily adverserial relationships with the other women involved. You say you can't forgive your DP's ex's behaviour towards him, but maybe your ex's new partner feels the same towards you? It's better in blended families for new partners to concede that no-one can judge the rights and wrongs of past relationships, let go of resentment that's not yours to feel and try to be friendly and civil for the children's sake.

It does also sound as though you're competing a bit in the affection stakes with your partner's children, trying to be something their mother is not. The thing is, she'll be things that you're not, just as your ex's new partner will have her own unique qualities. It's not a competition.

springyhiphop · 16/03/2013 00:59

springy you may be right she could feel left out

erm, do you have your own children? Do you know, or have you experienced, the exquisite agony of your children having another 'mummy'? Feeling 'left out' doesn't come close.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 16/03/2013 10:03

Yes but to be fair that's your issue and insecurity, not one that should rule over your children's day to day life.

She just needs to suck it up, it's absolutely not her right to dictate if the OP can or cannot attend if the DC are old enough to express their feelings.

She left her DH, she should expect he will move on. She has made her bed and she should lie in it.

Where in the posting did the OP say she was being the mummy? Just tactile I read.

springyhiphop · 16/03/2013 10:41

of course you suck it up. It doesn't mean it isn't torture.

I may be wrong but there appears to be a distinct erm lack of respect for this woman - possibly, pawing her children about (in front of her) is seen as ok. If she is not tactile then back off when she's around.

LemonDrizzled · 16/03/2013 11:47

Ha ha springy you make an excellent point but I can assure you I haven't pawed her children! The DC concerned is over 6 foot and 18 stone!

I was more meaning DP and I joke around and laugh and hug. And the atmosphere is quite silly at times. Whereas she is a very serious-minded person. And I do have 3DC of my own who spend time with XH and his DP. It's not exactly agony but I do feel sad when they go away with XH without me.

I take you point about respect for XW. I'm sure there were faults on both sides to make her leave DP. He is quite eccentric! She was probably driven crazy just as I was by my Ex.

Incidentally the DC has now bought me a ticket for tonight because he hadn't been told his DM didnt want me there. And she has "sucked it up". I will report back what happens.

Thanks for the feedback. It's very valuable!

OP posts:

WallyBantersJunkBox · 16/03/2013 11:50

The op hasn't said anywhere on here that she is pawing the children, or even infront of the ex wife. She just said it could have gotten back to the ex that she was a jokey touchy kind of person.

Why should the op change her innocent good nature just to fit into the ideals of this woman who decided to break up her family. Does the OP's DP question everything the OM does? I doubt it....

I'm not doubting it hurts at all, but tbh I would rather my ds be in two safe loving environments than two unhappy ones.

I am a mum and a stepmum and I get sick of the "Disneyfication" of the stepmum role. If you show love and affection you are overstepping the boundaries and trying to take over, and if you remain a respectable distance away you are cold and unloving.

You are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

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WallyBantersJunkBox · 16/03/2013 11:51

Have a lovely time at he event Lemon!

LemonDrizzled · 16/03/2013 11:54

Oh and badinage thanks for the reminder about bearing someone else's grudge. You are absolutely right I am fighting DPs battles for him because he is a pushover and doesn't stand up for himself. It's not my business!

OP posts:

LemonDrizzled · 16/03/2013 11:56

my "innocent good nature"??? mwa ha ha ha ha ha!!

Thanks WBJB you made me laugh!

OP posts:

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