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I am trapped and cannot seem to get out of this "relationship"

(23 Posts)
cappuccinodays Mon 11-Mar-13 12:05:46

I really really need help and advice and confidence.
I did start another thread about getting over the relationship but then we got back together this weekend and I feel trapped again.
I know it is my fault, for being weak and not being able to stick to my decision, because I love him but I know we are not compatible. He had pursued me for the last 2 years but I want him to give up so I can move on. We go round and round in circles and I am very unhappy, anxious and depressed.
He says when he leaves, I "dissapear" and it is awful for him.. I think he is referring to "in mind"... it is all very tense and I feel there is a lot of mind reading going on from his side, it drags me down. However, I do love him, or I think I do?
Anyone else been here? I really need to move on, despite knowing I am going to have to go through the depression and loss when I do it again. I am going along with it as I do not feel i am able to express myself or get manipulated or talked around again. I know this is my fault too :-( Is this a confidence issue?

CostaTen Mon 11-Mar-13 12:20:50

Hi. Have had a quick look through your other thread and other posts. It sounds like you are addicted to him rather than love him. You know that a relationship shouldn't be this much hard work. I can tell it's making you unhappy and I feel for you but I really think you need to end it and move on.

I will you feel more depressed carrying on with this relationship - you say yourself that you aren't compatible and you are going round and round in circles. You need to tell him to stop contacting you and go cold turkey.

cappuccinodays Mon 11-Mar-13 13:32:23

hi ct, thanks for replying. i have nipped it in the bud and told him, so i am back at the same place again. been crying but i am going to stick to it and move on as best i can. I dont think i am addicted to him, I do think that was the way his way, he even told me so, but i think the dynamic has become one i dont want, it is almost as if i was starting to mirror his behavior.

CostaTen Mon 11-Mar-13 13:39:39

Believe me I completely understand. I hope you can stay strong. If you do feel like getting in touch with him come on here instead!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Mar-13 14:08:35

I think what you have is a 'bad habit' rather than an addiction. Cycling through the same behaviour and decision processes. As someone once said, madness is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different outcome. Like any other bad habit it takes a supreme effort to get rid of it and a lot of repetition before your new behaviour becomes your new habit.

In practice it means deliberately changing as much about yourself and your life as you possibly can. If you can move location, move. If you need to get a new job, get a new job. Otherwise change your routine, your patterns, make new friends, be in different places to normal. Obviously lose his phone number/e-mail address and change yours at the same time. I don't like that he pursues you btw. A decent man would respect your decision ... not be a stalker.

You are always vulnerable to this man if there are gaps in your life that where he used to be or if there's nothing better on offer. So fill those gaps with anything and everything. Good luck

melbie Tue 12-Mar-13 03:30:45

I am sorry I can't find your other thread but I think I know how you are feeling. When being together is exhausting and stressful and anxiety inducing and makes you feel awful and being apart is somehow easier but you miss him and get back into it. Is that how you feel?

If so I have been doing the same. I am trying very hard this time not to let myself call but god is it hard. I know deep down that it will be better without him but I can't imagine it. I found my behaviour getting worse and worse until I was so awful he ended it but it made me feel such a failure. 3 days in and I am coping but so so close to calling and trying to not

I think the only ways to get over it are strict no contact (and on the bad days that is the very hard bit) and massive distraction. Plan for every minute of the day preferably with other people involved so you can't get out of it. I can deal with it so much better when there are other people around who don't know and I have to pretend happy (or at least not talk about him) Do you have friends who know about it that you can offload to? I have a good friend (who I know is sick to the back teeth of this "relationship" but is endlessly patient) who I can text every so often to tell her I miss him so I don't send him the message! I am also writing all my feelings down in a book which I find helps again so I tell the book and not him and it gets them out but without messing up.

I am also organising counselling because I am aware I do this and I am hoping it will a) provide some support to get through this and b)stop me doing it again... Is that an option?

cappuccinodays Tue 12-Mar-13 09:20:45

yes melbie that is how I feel, so I guess it is not unique..I completely agree about having other people around, when other people arent around, that is when I am at my weakest and most vulnerable. I live alone with my ds, so over the last 2 yrs he has been turning up, not giving me an opportunity to move on and because of this, i have not got out of it.. and eventually due to his persistence, fell for him, it all gets very confusing. I hate him now for putting me through this over the last 2 years. I also feel pregnant by him, but had a miscarriage. I remember coming on here at the time, so scared about what to do and considered abortion. I am not young, late 30s, so it was v difficult as Id like another child, but his reactions were BIG warning signs... he was also controlling, didnt listen to me and i have lost an awful lot of confidence..
councelling is also something i inquired about yesterday...

cappuccinodays Fri 15-Mar-13 11:33:14

thought i would give an update, I have had no contact for 5 days now :-) and feel a whole load better, been keeping busy... i hope i can sty strong ( i really do believe i can this time) I dont really share in RL, so any words of encouragement would be good?

lambinapram Fri 15-Mar-13 11:44:23

Well done Cappuccino!! Stay strong. You will probably go through lots of emotional ups and downs in the next few weeks/months, but in a couple of years time you will look back on the best decision you ever made. If you have access to counselling I think it would be worthwhile.

kalidanger Fri 15-Mar-13 11:46:54

Well done, capp You see how much better you're feeling already smile Busy is great, getting your life back is great. But do share in RL if you need to. People are generally wonderful thanks

melbie Fri 15-Mar-13 12:24:49

Well done! Same here- am feeling so much better without the contact. And like I have hope for the future again. Moments of huge sadness and missing him but noticing I am not thinking ALL the time about it and can be distracted. Still terrified of getting sucked back in but need to keep reminding myself of how much better I feel without him

BiscuitMillionaire Fri 15-Mar-13 12:37:08

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

thanks

hellsbellsmelons Fri 15-Mar-13 12:57:29

Just wanted to say 'Well done'!
Stay strong and you'll get there.
You will have down times but they will pass eventually.
Keep going!

cappuccinodays Sat 16-Mar-13 04:48:55

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."

what a great sentence. i will remind myself of this at my low points. thanks all. i am not thinking about him ALL the time as i am keeping so busy. Do I have to go through grief to truly get over him or if i keep going as i am will I just "get past" it?

cappuccinodays Tue 26-Mar-13 14:11:04

another 10 days with no contact :-) really need to stay strong. its hard. wondering why i am imagining or idealising how it was when it made me feel how it did. but 2 weeks no contact.. having wobbles but know i have to keep going. i so want to get over him...

MadBraLady Tue 26-Mar-13 16:23:07

Hi Capp, I think I remember some of your other threads. <flowers> on your 15+ days no contact.

I think I've read somewhere it takes about 30 days for something to harden into a habit in the mind. You get to the point where your mind actually wants to do the good/right thing as a matter of course, rather than feeling "tempted" towards the bad thing. So you're more than halfway, your mind is already reprogramming itself. Stick with it, and before too long you'll be FREE of the cause of your anxiety and depression. Don't give up now!

MadBraLady Tue 26-Mar-13 16:23:18

Oops flowers

cappuccinodays Thu 25-Apr-13 21:46:00

hello :-)
just thought I'd give an update and again need some support!
I have now been just over 6 weeks no contact but i am struggling since a friend of his made contact with me and was talking about him as he hadnt heard from him. It got me a bit worried and has triggered me thinking about it again and it is "real" again iyswim.. think i am just having a low point and im not sure it would be a good idea to contact him. I may be rejected straight away and Im not sure i am strong enough to cope with that. He may have met someone (?) and i dont want to feel like an idiot. I would perhaps in the long run see him again, we shared a lot of experiences together. Just dont know what to do. I dont want to contact him and then him put pressure on and manipulate me into getting back together, or take over me...

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 25-Apr-13 21:48:39

Don't do it.

You would be right back to square one.

And how do you know he hasn't got this friend to do this?

He doesn't make you happy. You know he doesn't make you happy. What's the point of chucking yourself back into all that crap and drama?

cappuccinodays Thu 25-Apr-13 21:51:33

thanks for reply. Why would he get his friend to do this? I have been thinking about this? Is it so he knows how i am? but hasnt had to make the contact directly? or he wanted me to know he has moved? Do you think he is over me, or do you think this friend hadnt genuinally heard from him and he was concerned?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 25-Apr-13 22:06:11

I don't know. I am just a cynical person and if an arse wanted to manipulate you and play games, then he might choose to get his mate to help him.

Ask yourself why his friend would choose you to contact.

It is one of several possibilities. Then he can say you are chasing after him. Begging. Wanting to come back.

huge ego boost, for a start. He gets to see whether he's still in your head or not. He knows he can reel you in.

The best thing to do is to put him in your past.

it didn't work out for a reason. That reason hasn't changed.

any attempt by anyone to get you really should be met with oh, really? we're not together any more, perhaps you should contact his family if you're concerned.

it may be that his friend hasn't heard from him and he doesn't know where he lives, doesn't know his phone number or where he works and doesn't have a way to contact any of his friends or family and so turned to you, but how likely is that, really?

cappuccinodays Thu 25-Apr-13 22:12:39

his friend lives very close to me, so he was just passing by as he doesnt know where he lives and he isnt answering his phone. He went to his old property and it was empty..!This friend is quite removed and doesnt know his family or his other friends..
My ex did have some mental health issues and it has made me concerned. I hope he is ok :-(
So to answer the last question, it is quite likely, the thing is i never know with him....

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 26-Apr-13 07:45:29

If the 'friend' does this again, just stop him short (mid-sentence if you have to) and say that he's no longer your concern. You have to be really tough about this kind of thing or you'll never get him out of your life.

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