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Can a marriage survive an affair?

(57 Posts)
LetsGoToTheHills Sun 10-Mar-13 09:33:20

Does anyone have any stories of working things out after their partner had an affair? What happened and how did you go about it? Things seem so much less black and white than I ever would have thought (children, history, over a decade of real love and affection, genuine remorse on his part) and I don't know what to think. I have no idea how I feel right now (said affair is over) and will just sit with it for some time, but it would be nice to hear if a positive outcome is possible!

Fairenuff Sun 17-Mar-13 10:43:25

Do you even want a marriage that has 'survived'? A relationship where one person thinks less of the other?

You no longer trust and and respect him. He never did respect you or consider you worthy of honesty.

He sneaked around behind your back, lied to you and had a thoroughly good time enjoying himself with no thought at all for the devastation this would cause you.

If she hadn't ended it, would he still be shagging her? If you hadn't found out, would you ever have known? Have there been others? Will there be others? Do you need to get an sti check?

This is a completely different relationship now. With a completely different man. He is not the man you thought he was. It's a new relationship and you may not want it.

He thinks everything will go back to how it was. How can it?

onefewernow Sun 17-Mar-13 13:10:58

Men who marry a woman and then get to a stage of needing a new one when you have become more domesticated are very interesting. You can learn a lot about who they are if you dissect that.

It seems to me that these men lack self reflect or self esteem or something. They also judge themselves by looking at the woman they are sleeping with.

They can't see women as whole people, but as either mothers or lovers.

Also, they are very very often selfish men, who don't offer a lot to the domestic situation, apart from money, and anything they happen to like doing anyway.

onefewernow Sun 17-Mar-13 13:11:40

Self respect

angel1976 Sun 17-Mar-13 14:53:49

pinkypig Thanks for your hugs, back to you too. I feel so angry on your behalf! Four children and this is how he treats you. angry Good of you to ask him to leave, I have stopped short of that. Do you know where he has gone? I don't know why I haven't asked my DH to leave, maybe because he has committed a 'lesser crime'? I really don't know. I am tempted to ask him to leave. I almost did today. He fucked off went out with his close male friends last night (and popped him to see his parents on their request, they cannot get over his behaviour either) and stayed overnight (his best friend's wife is a very close friend of mine and again, she is also appalled at his behaviour so I wonder if part of me thinks it will do him some good to hear it from someone else that his behaviour is selfish and unreasonable) but I don't know what has been said or done and in some way, I almost don't care. At this stage, I feel so 'done'. The DCs have been badly behaved and I found myself thinking today if we split, he will have to be involved with the children even more than he is now and that wouldn't be a bad thing really... He doesn't want to leave as he doesn't want to be seen as the 'bad' guy. Hah! You choose to walk out of this marriage/family, you ARE the bad guy. I want him to fight for our marriage and our children. I don't want to be the only one fighting and I feel so tired of it. He came back and has offered to take the kids out and has gone out with them now (which makes a change). I just want to lie down and sleep...

I almost wished he had an affair so he would actually feel guilty and we have something to work from. Because he didn't, I think he almost feel vindicated and that he shouldn't be treated as the bad guy here. Anyway, we have another session with the therapist tomorrow and we shall see what comes out of that. I don't want to hijack the thread so pinky if you want to contact me off-line, please PM me and I will send you my email address. It's been more then 3 weeks since he 'dropped' the bombshell and I feel like my life before that moment is a million miles away... sad But there''s also a stronger side of me emerging, I am gathering bills, bank statements etc so I can make copies just in case... I don't care about me but he will not leave his DCs destitute because he wants the single life.

LetsGoToTheHills Sat 23-Mar-13 18:09:01

Hello everyone, thank you all so much for your insights. There have been so many really useful thoughts and experiences here. We have both been reading the Shirley Glass book, and it is helpful in a way to know (along with many of your experiences) we are not in any way unique. I am also quite disgusted that we (he) managed to recreate such a pathetic, massive cliche, that we even used to joke about! One thing the book says is basically sit tight for three months. My immediate reaction is to try and fix it all, but it may be too soon, it's only been two weeks after all. And I certainly can't manage it on my own.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 23-Mar-13 19:09:33

Glad you find the book helpful. I found it really helpful when trying to understand what could/would have been happening in my DH's mind when he went down the slippery slope into a full blown affair.

It really is very much a long haul journey taking at least 18 months to 2 years...

pinkypig Sun 31-Mar-13 15:52:58

How are you going LetsGo?

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