Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
a common situation!!(40 Posts)
Hi, you must have heard this all before.... but its new to me. i've no real r/l friends and cant talk to my family yet.
i'm mid 30s [D]H early 40s married 8 years. sex life was really good when we were going out and then early years of marriage but has waned for the last 4-5 years. I love him, but he doesnt, bless him, turn me on. It seems same for him. We havent had sex for more than 3 years now. We're really good and the best of friends (or so i thought) and have had a good relations otherwise. He's always wanted kids and i've now said ok but then felt he was holding back recently. When i told him about 3-4 times a week to conceive he said he was sorry he's not been up to it cos of work issues (more on that below).
He's very precious with laptop and phone and always has been. It has bothered me a little and i've tried to look before but never found anything.
Till today. I checked his internet history this morning and have found that he's been on Adultfriend finder and another site for the last 3 week (that's how far internet history goes). He has a log on but i cant hack it.
He was not working for about 3 years and had left some jobs falling out with MDs, but has been gainfully employed the last 6 months. It's been life on my salary for 3 years and i make more than him now. BUT he doesnt tell me about money which has annoyed me in the past, but now scares me.
Recently, i've been fantasising about men i fancy cos i want to be with someone who'll sweep me off my feet. But i'm a realist and feel that may not happen or something else will be wrong with the guy.....i'm very very picky.
One thing that gets me is that i am the 'most likely to stray' one, and when we first got together he said straying will be the only unforgiveable in his eyes. I must say he's been very patient with me and my stupidity throughout the marriage.
What am i looking at here. Please help. I have an older brother i am very close to but no other females i can really speak with. Mom's a recent widow and a constant worrier, she wont be able to cope with this.
By the sounds of it your relationship is over.
Could you try counselling?
I implore you not to bring a dc into your less than fulfilling marriage to a man who no longer 'turns your on', or give any consideration to doing so as a means to 'fix' it.
I'm curious as to why your dm would have to 'cope' with any of the fine detail about your relationship with your h? If you wait until you've sorted which of you will move out of your home and agreed a division of any jointly owned property before telling her of your plans to divorce, you'll be able to allay any fears she may have.
Oh believe me Izzy there will be no DCs here till this is sorted. If time runs out for me so be it, i can adopt! Re my mom, i only meant that i cannot share this with her now - i'm a billy no real mates in real life and was deperately wanting help, advice, hand holding, sense kicking in from people on here. it is hard as i dont know what i want, and often make hasty decisions i regret later.
Almost, not sure what i will be seeking counselling for.
In a way i feel maybe this will kick me to do what i know i need to do without feeling guilty about leaving who is otherwise a very decent man. i must take accountability for 'driving him to this' but then i will stop there and say he should have taken me counselling before he looked elsewhere - or he should have finished with me first in a decent way.
although i suspected things because i am naturally like that (and my dad had an affair) i never thought my decent upstanding naturally shy (D)H would be capable of this. i dont know that he's met up with anyone from the site but he's been there for 3 weeks looking. if it were even a porn site it would understandable but this tells me if hasnt already meeting is on the cards.
shees what does a girl need to do to get some help around here. is it me? have said something off putting?
also, i might add when he was out of work i was planning to leave him because i was getting fed up with his attitude - entitlement, vicitmisation, grumpiness, negativity etc. and i was waiting for him to get a job so he doesnt lose his (our) beloved house.
i went out shopping today on my own which was hard... we're joined at the hip really. this is what scares me losing my friend and companion.
i've said nothing to spook him cos i want to get some more details first to see how far this has gone and to have some proof when i confront him. this may take some weeks cos i need weekends and evening - an hour here an hour there - to snoop when he's at work or asleep. i know i dont have much of a marriage in the sense of the world to lose but he is so important in my life.
What do you want to do?
You are still young - you have no children - you can walk away amicably and be happy.
For me the not having sex thing for so long and the unfaithfulness would be a dealbreaker! He has already emotionally ended the relationship , he just hasn't physically moved out!
Change is terrifying - but where do you want to be in a years time? Make a plan - then live it!
"I must say he's been very patient with me and my stupidity throughout the marriage."
What stupidity OP?
"I love him, but he doesnt, bless him, turn me on."
Have you talked to him about what you need? Have you asked him what he needs?
" i've been fantasising about men i fancy cos i want to be with someone who'll sweep me off my feet. But i'm a realist and feel that may not happen or something else will be wrong with the guy.....i'm very very picky."
" i never thought my decent upstanding naturally shy (D)H would be capable of this."
If you don't want him - let him go.
These are the bits of your posts which jump out at me OP. Sorry if it seems harsh. But it sounds like if someone else came along you'd be off like a shot. And so, it seems now, would he.
I think you haven't had an avalanche of replies because what is clear from your post is that you need to end your relationship
i dont know what i want, i know what i dont want to do though - we have a nice life i dont want to mess it up. this morning, after finding out, i asked him if we're going to try to have kids he said yes. i then said we're supposed to shag 3-4 times a week he made delirious happy face and said 'come on then'. i asked him if he still loved me and he said yes. all encouraging there was no hesitation. and to add to the fact that it was a fling/sex site rather than relationship site maybe he does want us to be together but went outside for sex rather than talk to me to fix 'us'. and part of that is my fault and i do have to take responsibility for that.
no no please be harsh, i need a hiney kicking and bringing to realisation of what the hell situation this is for me and for him.
i've never strayed, stupid like not getting the right visa for honeymoon so last minute cancellation of honeymoon and a tagging on to trip with his parents. last minute to and fro with another visa during another holiday that i procrastinated and delayed - he never tells me off.
Never really talked properly, but about a year ago i started talking about the none existent sex life to apologise and then he said it was his fault as well cos the no job situation (he was nearly getting depression due to that) had brought him down and he didnt feel like he could do it. I've raised a few times since then by saying 'we need to shag hon' and he's always said 'yes we do i know' but then never did anything about it and i didnt seduce him either. i am still not interested in the sex but wanted to do it for him.
to be absolutely honest i am so wary about men that if someone came along i'd have to check him out for about a year before i run away with him! but then i wouldnt go down that route cos i dont want to cheat. my fantasies are two exces (with whom the sex was great not so much the rest of the relationship and i broke up with both cos i couldnt imagine long terms relationships with them) and a guy at work who was in my fantsy over 4 weeks during xmas before last. i forgot about him after that as he went on secondment, he's back now and i am meh about him now. very very picky, mom always says she never thought i'd find anyone with whom to settle down.
i am beginign to see it now...this is for me to think through and sort out isnt it. not one that any advice can sort. sorry for the long post. and thank you for your help
You are reassured that ADD is a "fling" site rather than a "relationship" site ?
Do you have an open relationship?
Does he act like you have?
oh dear, i thought it was a sex site cos of the pics i saw of its 'members' when i went on the website...in various states of undress......is it not?! tis not normal to look for a serious relationship with pics like that me thinkgs.
we dont have an open relationship and no he doesnt act like that at all. he hardly looks at women when am with him - seriously.
It is a no strings sex hook up site
Did you not realise that?
"simply porn/pics of nudey ladies"
I think that counselling is your best option. You would get out of it someone to talk to who won't worry or judge and enable you to check out what you do want with your life. Maybe then go together for a while if you decide you want to try and make this marriage work? It sounds as if you're not really communicating with each other over anything? I also think that waiting a few weeks while snooping is rubbish idea. Tell him what you know now. Why not? It doesn't even sound as if you are too bothered by what he's done, just bothered about changes it might force you to make to your life. You are very young to be in such a sterile relationship and think counselling will help you assess why you don't think you are worth different.
AF i've 'seen' you kicking sense into ppl here. i think i'm in line for one of those..... i know it is a sex hook up site. he is straying and i know it, whether he's hooked up or not as yet is just timing as he will sooner or later and i know that.
i think the essence of my feelings is that for all its faults (as a huge deal as they are) this WAS a good relationship.....it is not anymore because of this deciet. i am scared of losing 'a nice life' and my best friend (well i havent really got any other friends! pathetic) and my life as i know it. its so darn scary that i've had to keep telling myself that atleast there arent kids in this mess to make myself think straight.
would you belive, at one point i caught my self thinking oh maybe he's just scared of us having sex again (to conceive) so was looking at the site - then slapped myself saying well then look at porn or sex sites fgs! you cant practice to have sex with your wife! i'm sad.
I think you know exactly what you need to do, you just need some women who have had a a glass or two of wine and and far too much ignoring of the family, to confirm it. ...just me then?
You need to end this marraige, it is more than obvious you are both just friends now and have probably been only friends for a couple of years.
Under no circumstances even try for children just now, they must not be used as a band aid.
By your own admission you have fantasised about other men, and your husband has been on a "no strings sex" website.....does that not speak volumes????
Change is absolutely terrifying, but you need to make the change.
Trust me, a nice life is great, but it aint the shit if you dont love the man your sharing it with.
You find going shopping on your own scary? You do need to get some counselling OP. That's not normal. Any relationship where you're that emotionally dependent on the other person is really unhealthy. Of course you should leave him but whatever you decide to do you need to work on your lack of independence anyway. And don't get ratty with random strangers on the internet for failing to reply to you quickly enough - it's not endearing. We don't get paid to be here you know.
Wonder if he feels suffocated by your neediness, If you are as dependant on him as you're suggesting perhaps its too much for him? Counselling for you sounds a really good idea.
cjel sorry i didnt see your post earlier, you're right that is what's bothering me the most. he's done his shit bit and my nice life now has to change....we were going on safari this and year and looking to buy a place in the country fgs.
witch - yep that's exactly it - because the of the above i need some ass kicking to do what i need to do.
sioda - sorry that was in jest i wanst getting ranty honest. i know i know i do have an unhealthy emotional dependance and lack independance. the shopping on my own wasnt scary i just dont like it but scary was when i realised i will soon be alone in life.
thanks ladies. i am looking at places i can afford on my own just now....not happy i think he should move out
the dependancy is mutual - he's got no friends either.
i will be asking him what his problem was soon
I hope that you can use the opportunity to be honest with each other. You may find its the end which scary or you may find that you can make changes to make it work for you both. Hope you can find the strength to be honest.
Don't ask him what his "problem" is
That is for him to figure out on his own
Your problem is that you are currently hooked up with a cock
But you can change that
He will change himself, with or without you. But I doubt that.
How come you have no real life friends? Not judging just curious.
If you had a solid group of friends would you still be with him?
No husband and no friends sounds like a lonely existence so I'm not surprised you are hesitant.
But, if nothing else, if your hearts not in it it's not fair to keep him back from finding someone else.
Have you had sex since deciding to have a kid? It doesn't sound like it.
Can you do something to find some friends?
have snooped again and sent screenshots to my email address. it is a secondary browser! there's been a lot of chat a couple of recurring names. gosh that was so hard to do, in the interest of my heart (palpitations) i will wait for him to be out of the house hereafter. now....is there anymore snooping i can/should do?
i moved here about 10 years ago and have been with him pretty much since. i develop friendships at places i've worked in but then they've frizzled out after i leave. people seem to have their own circles and so outsiders such as me become irrlevant after a while i suppose. also give dependancy issues discussed above i tended not to go out much. also i'm not a girly and tend to be quiet - but at work where my personality is on show ppl like me (i'm funny i'm told).
if i had a solid group...perhaps yes he is a very nice person funny generous thoughtful etc. no we havent had sex yet....3 years. come to think of the last time i did initiate it. he has premature ejaculation issues, always has had.
i suppose i will have to find some friends.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.