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I have no idea what to do next (abuse issues)

(11 Posts)
notsurewhatIshoulddo Fri 08-Mar-13 22:35:38

I have name changed for this.
I have posted on mumsnet before about issues with my mother and a few months ago I cut contact with her for the way she was treating my DCs.

She was my main carer when I was younger, because she split from my dad when I was younger. She used this to her advantage and I didn't learn until I was older that the reason for this was because she made it pretty much impossible for my dad to have access.

I was abused as a teenager by a friend of my mothers who used to babysit us for her. As a result I used to self-harm and I was very depressed until I met my (now) DH.

My abuser left the country after 4 years of abuse for work.
I never told my mum about the abuse whilst it was going on because I was scared. I told her after I had my first DC 8 years ago because when I became a mum I realised that if my DC felt that she couldn't tell me about something like this I would be gutted.
My mum denied it and ignored me for a while but she eventually believed me and said she was sorry she hadn't noticed.

I haven't spoken to my mother for about 2 months. She turned up at my house today whilst my DCs where in school and said she wanted to talk and become friends so I let her in. At first she kept saying sorry, however once I had let her in she sat down and started telling me that she had been in contact with my abuser and she had met him from the airport. He was staying at her house and he was stay there for the next 2 weeks then he is flying out again.
I am gutted that she would even think of doing this and I asked her why she would do this to me. She just laughed and said she knew all along that he abused me and she told him he could do what he liked with me because she didn't care.
I told her to get out the house and as she was leaving she said I could call the police if I wanted but it was my word against his and she would back him up and tell anyone who asked that I was lying.

I have no idea what to do next. I had to call DH from work to collect the DCs from school because I couldn't bring myself to leave the house, incase I walked into him.
I can't think straight so I guess I have written it alll out on here in the hope it might give me some clarity.

tribpot Fri 08-Mar-13 22:45:09

Is your mum in a relationship with your abuser? she sounds as if she's willingly back under his spell. And that she's told him what you've told her. This reads as a horrible attempt to intimidate you into silence.

I would talk it over with the police. I think it is staggeringly unlikely they will dismiss it out of hand particularly in the current climate. It is also pretty likely you will not be the only victim. I wonder if this is why he is in and out of the country?

if you don't feel ready for that now, I would talk to one of the abuse charities and/or see if you can be referred for counselling. I think it goes without saying your mum should not be part of your life any more.

I am very sorry for what you've been through. You deserve to live without fear of this person and I hope there's a way to achieve that.

notsurewhatIshoulddo Fri 08-Mar-13 22:59:26

I don't know if she is in a relationship with him. But I wouldn't be surprised if she was.
Good point about him being in and out of the country I hadn't thought of that.

I have been for counselling before but I think I may need a bit of time to calm down before I go to the police.

minkembra Fri 08-Mar-13 23:00:45

OP truly sory this has happened to you. this must all be a horrible shock and I cannot imagine how you are feeling just now.

sending you some virtual support.

if you feel that this is something that you could talk to the police about then I think tribpot is right. they will take you seriously, theybhave specialists to deal with abuse and at the very least may be able to keep him away from you.

He may even be known to the police already. anf it may be a good time for them to know where he is.

You may not feel that you an speak to the police yet as it all sounds as if you have had a lot of very uncomfortable information dumped on your lap in one go. I do think that speaking to some experts in this area would be a good idea.

also speak to DH. from what you say he will be supportive.

minkembra Fri 08-Mar-13 23:01:34

x post. sorry. do appreciate that it has all happened very suddenly.

foolonthehill Fri 08-Mar-13 23:02:29

You can write it down if that is easier for you. They will want to ask questions arising from what you have written but sometimes it is easier to di it that way.

Sorry you have been thru' this OP, and that your Mum let you down so badly, then and now.

notsurewhatIshoulddo Fri 08-Mar-13 23:12:27

I know that I should speak to the police as soon as I can before he leaves again and he is harder to find.

DH is supportive and always has bee but I feel like I am always dumping all my problems on him all the time, I guess I feel guilty that he is always the one that has to mop me up and sort me out. Even though he always says he doesn't mind and he loves me and wants to help.

Hopasholic Fri 08-Mar-13 23:17:12

I'm sorry I have no practical advice to give you, but I just couldn't read your post and run. I've been sat here for ages thinking 'how can anybody be so unbelievably cruel?' call the police once you feel in the right frame of mind. What has your DH said about it? I hope he can support you through it thanks

notsurewhatIshoulddo Fri 08-Mar-13 23:24:10

DH has said he will support me no matter what I decided to do. I haven't told him all the details yet because I keep getting upset plus we didn't put all the DCs to bed until 10.

Homebird8 Fri 08-Mar-13 23:25:02

Notsure, I think the advice to take this to the police is sound and your DH being so supportive is a sign of a relationship with a man that you still find unexpected. Trust him and together find a way to work through this.

I don't know if you will find this useful but Radio Four broadcast this a few weeks ago listen to the bit by Tina Renton about how the police reacted to a similar-ish situation for her.

If it were me, this would signal the end of any relationship your M. She has never been a good one.

snowshapes Fri 08-Mar-13 23:30:01

Oh my goodness, notsure, that is dreadful. I am so sorry.

Your point about your own DC was spot on, though, so maybe try and hold that thought, you have come through this to be a loving and kind mum with a lot of compassion, treat yourself as you would your DC. You would advise anyone in your position to the police. If you don't feel strong enough yet (understandably) can your DH go, and they will send someone trained out to you? Lean on whoever you can, don't go through this alone.

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