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Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships....can it be 18?

(1000 Posts)
foolonthehill Fri 08-Mar-13 22:19:03

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans – He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out – You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change…please don’t give him the link…print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

MatchsticksForMyEyes Fri 08-Mar-13 22:21:00

Cheers Fool!

Hissy Fri 08-Mar-13 22:28:05

Jaysus, 18? Already?

How time flies.... coming of age already...


BreatheandFlyAway Fri 08-Mar-13 22:37:28

Fool thanks wine [choc] smile

Just heard a strange loud whirring, was wondering (somewhat frightened) what this unexplained loud noise was (being a little nervy tonight!), looked round and it was a ladybird stuck on its back, whirring round, wings out, madly making an amazingly huge noise! I tipped it gently up the right way and it's now sitting still in a slightly shocked state, wiggling its legs - if it was a cat, I'd swear it was washing its paws embarrassedly grin

BreatheandFlyAway Fri 08-Mar-13 22:38:25

I've looked closer and it is - it's washing its front legs!

BreatheandFlyAway Fri 08-Mar-13 22:39:07


NoraLuca Fri 08-Mar-13 23:07:38

<wanders shyly into thread and says hi>

I do hope that everyone is OK... I don't have the internet (or a computer!) at home yet so can't follow the thread like I used to. I keep thinking about people who are stuck in bad situations with no support. At least we all have some access to the internet smile

Everything fine here, H is being very nice since I left (a month ago already!) and I stay over with the DDs sometimes because they won't stay overnight on their own. I wonder if I shouldn't just bite the bullet and leave them with him overnight but then I remember how scary he can be, and although he doesn't target the DDs they saw how he was with me and that is prob why they are wary. They are happy to stay with him for the day, and I think step by step is the way to go.

minkembra Fri 08-Mar-13 23:19:31

fool thanks
can't believe the last one filled up so quickly!

FairyFi Fri 08-Mar-13 23:21:05


CharlotteCollinsislost Fri 08-Mar-13 23:22:18

Hi Nora, glad things are going well.

Have finally found a webpage (erm, not actually one of the links above but on the same website! blush ) that gives a layman's checklist for narcissism. 20 questions - if you answer yes to 5 or more, he's prob got narcissistic tendencies, ten or more probably NPD. I said yes to 15...

minkembra Fri 08-Mar-13 23:26:39

charlotte Do you know, I have often wished that fw would suddenly discover he's gay - a) gets him out of my hair and b) he'd be so bloody gutted, the homophobic twat


i was idling wishing I were a lesbian this morning. it would make the prospect of a new partner less daunting. Sadly as a friend pointed out I do like the cock<Sigh> (she wasn't talking about my ex at the time wink)

snowshapes Fri 08-Mar-13 23:44:23

Charlotte, I have been reading about narcissism as well this evening. Which website are you looking at? It is depressing though. I am trying to remember when I saw him genuinely look joyful.

Following that, I realised that whenever we had a row about relationship issues, it came down to the fact that I had changed. I was not the person I used to be. Like the real snowshapes had been taken by one who he didn't like any more, who was irrational and aggressive and why didn't I just sort out whatever my problem was. The point at which I changed was moveable, sometimes a year ago, sometimes two but it was always 'you have changed, I don't understand you any more' followed by sad shake of head and return to newspaper.

Ha, it worked, I believed it was me.

Anyway, enough introspection. Don't get the Mr Bloom thing hmm but then I am sworn off men forever more.

snowshapes Sat 09-Mar-13 00:06:34

Sorry, rudely forgot to say thanks for new thread and hi to Nora. Love and strength to all.

TisILeclerc Sat 09-Mar-13 00:12:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ponygirlcurtis Sat 09-Mar-13 00:17:24

Happy 18th... thanks
Thanks fool, as always <star emoticon>

Wow, Nora, a month already. And never mind how nice FW is being - how are you feeling?

Mink - you is v funny! grin And so are you Breathe. (ps Breathe, your FW is a FW. You are fab. That is all.)

Soooo, Charlotte - are you going to tell him this weekend? Do it!!!!

snowshapes - each to their own, if Mr Bloom and his v lovely veggies are not for you - what about Andy or Sid? Both make watching Cbeebies bearable!

Night all. Fingers crossed for a quiet night for us all (for me, that means no shouting from snot-boy!).

ponygirlcurtis Sat 09-Mar-13 00:19:10

Leclerc, Dr Ranj prescribes bed with a little spritz of lavender on your pillow for deep sleep (and a little dab on the temples). Have a warm drink and get some rest, lovely lady. Thinking bout you.

FairyFi Sat 09-Mar-13 00:27:01

sounds like you had a really full-on rollercoaster of a day tis ... time to turn the light off?

bit run out of steam myself.. but sending warm wishes to all..xx

ponygirlcurtis Sat 09-Mar-13 00:29:06

Sending good vibes to you too Fi. See y'all tomorrow.

TisILeclerc Sat 09-Mar-13 00:54:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairyFi Sat 09-Mar-13 01:05:32

not surprised tis

had tirin day myself, but just lying here watching a bit of comic relief, not good at watching the tragedy but been some good 'turns' loved Eddi Izzard..

thanks Pony and hope you get some kippage in (with snot-boy around wink )

oh Charlotte ! big steps! thinking of you xx

hi Nora Fly Hissy


MaggieOnTheSofa Sat 09-Mar-13 02:23:11

Flaming nora!! I've been offline for a few days and its a new thread already! Thanks as always Fool you are amazeballs!

Sorry I've not read the last half of last thread, hope everyone is ok and I haven't missed anything major???

In other news, I seem to have processed the power of greyskull and turned into shera! Wednesday I went to see solicitors, thursday I went to view another house and....put a holding payment on it! Scared but hoping landlord won't pull out as have got this far now and referencing etc come back ok. Its available end of this month so will hopefully get in just before this welfare reform starts. FW feels further detaching going on I think and has stepped up his random manic searching of house for clues, usual boozing shite, threats towards me, threats of suicide etc and then when sober usual FWerty, groping etc. He announced tonight he loved us all and that included me and he wants the 'whole package' this speech was delievered to me and DS in the half hour he was home to get changed to go out boozing. Arsehole. Going to stay at my parents all of next week and will then have to come back home to be around to sign house forms etc etc. Baby steps seem to be turning into giant steps. Really scared and just praying nothing goes wrong with house arrangements or its back to square one :-/ scared too of his final reaction but have solicitor on speed dial so things can be put in place straight away when the time comes. Wish I could fast forward the next 6 months or so :-/

Really hope you are all ok and sorry not been very supportive lately. I could never have got to the stage I'm at now without knowing you are all here. Love you all! x

cathyscarlett Sat 09-Mar-13 03:43:26

Has anyone else found it extremely hard to trust in a new relationship after emotional abuse?

I've been single for almost four years after leaving my abusive boyfriend and have just recently got into a new relationship. I'm finding it extremely difficult not to over analyze everything and compare everything by new bf does to what my ex did.

I'm hyper sensitive to anything that could be construed as abusive and I don't know whether I'm right or whether I'm just being defensive and looking too much into everything in a desperate attempt not to end up in another abusive relationship.

arthriticfingers Sat 09-Mar-13 06:47:38

thanks Fool as ever.
Maggie that is amazing! smile

TisILeclerc Sat 09-Mar-13 06:47:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snowshapes Sat 09-Mar-13 07:47:05

Ah, I sounded really dismissive Mr B didn't I? I am probably just too old for him, or he is too young for me.

Maggie, fab news, fingers crossed you are out soon.

Had better get on, will reply properly later, toddler carnage

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