Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Advice needed on how to become lost(55 Posts)
After years of DV issues and stalking I have come to the conclusion I need to become lost. But I don't know what I have to do so I can't be traced as I have property to sell/chain to then buy again. I need to move and not be traced. I will only be moving a few miles away but will be ok as long as I am unable to be found. What do I need to do to achieve this?
Ah I've just recognised your story. You poor thing, this situation is just awful for you.
Thanks MrsC for the luck I think I need it trying to disappear!
Esp with these receptionists....slam same happened when DC was born had big message up to say I was not at the hospital...Nurse comes up 'Your DH is on the phone he wants to know how you and baby are doing?'
IB WA can only help if in rented accomadation....tried MP, council, WA, Police, solicitor in past. I own nearly 50% enough to get 1 bedroom at a squeeze.
OP, how much would you get for your house if you sold it? Personally I would change my name and emigrate. I couldn't bear the stress that you're going through.
Can't Women's Aid give you advice on disappearing?
To add to the 'to do' list:
A Mner recently had her address given away to her abusive ex by a loose-lipped doctor's receptionist. e.g.
EX: I'm Alfie Smith's father. Date of birth XYZ, phoning to enquire about his tests.
Receptionist: Oh is that Alfie Smith of 9 Secret Terrace, Nowhereton?
Ex: Why, yes it is. Thanks.
Although the receptionist was clearly completely breaking every rule of data protection the surgery didn't respond to the complaint with much concern and just said she wasn't flagged on the system as a security concern.
Just to be on the safe side I'd make very sure that yours and your dcs' GPs surgeries, schools, workplaces etc have a note on their records that info must not be given to anybody except you.
And good luck.
I know someone who is 'lost' after DV issues. I can't elaborate on details but her life was at risk.
I only know her by the name she uses now. She moved away from the area where the incidents occurred. Her DCs also have 'new' names.
However, the background is a little different, and there were witnesses to stalking/threats/harassment, and I believe the police were involved.
Wishing you much luck in becoming untraceable, Any
I wondered if you were the poster I knew from previous threads, Any I'm so glad you're working on this now. Wishing you all good luck with it - it's time you were able to feel safe. xx
Oh that is encouraging thank you! Will I need to go to the police to write to my ER Offices or do I just give the incident numbers. So I would also be better off applying as soon as I move and not before as my unique number will go with me?
As an elections officer, we do occasionally get voters who are on the role but are in 'hiding'. There is no name on their poll card or on the register, they are just a number. Often it's people in witness protection etc. The law changed in 2006. You will likely have to provide some evidence though about why you should be anon. E.g example of non-mol or restraining order, or police information.
That must have been horrendous for your family members to have gone through all that! The family I do have contact will know where I am if move.
I have all that. Ex has come closer with time. Ex used to drive past street, then up and down street and parks outside house (at position not to be picked up by cctv). When I contact police they can't help me as I don't have the reg number and each time it has been a different car.
This has freaked me out more than when ex used to try and break in. But I guess I have weakened over the years and not as strong psychologically now to cope with it.
This sounds like a /very/ drastic step to be taking for both you and your child/children.
A (not particularly close, I barely knew him) family member 'disappeared', and was reported 'missing', for a period of 13years when I was growing up and the effect on our shared connections was devastating. (Totally different reasons and found through an unethical telecoms employee in the end, but not after the family had been called to view dead bodies found by the police in case they were him on more than one occasion.)
You may not want to answer on here to avoid being identified but WHY do you want to do this? What are you scared of?
If your ex was phoning/writing to you in a harassing way you'd have evidence.
So, I'm assuming this is about him coming to your home? Would cctv and a burglar alarm not be a cheaper/easier option (moving costs after all are significant)? May make you feel safer (depending on what you're actually scared of). Will also get you the evidence.
It is not true that if you are on the electoral roll you will end up on 192. As soon as they started selling ER info, with the opt-out, I opted out. I have been on the edited version ever since and cannot be found via 192. (Will admit I haven't tried walking into a library to check.)
With the additional protection apparently offered (which Any is going to check out) by the ER folks, it should be perfectly safe for her to have a vote.
Solicitor said I would need evidence to get injunction. I have not even witness as lone parent.
BMD don't hold your address do they?
So even if I ask not to be listed ex walks into library and gets the address?
It's not even worth trying to disappear it's too easy to be found
192 pulls records from the electoral roll and companies house and the BMD register IIRC.
So if you are on the electoral roll you will appear on 192 - what you can do is ask to appear on the edited register so that it doesn't pull your details across, but anyone can go into the library and access the full electoral roll for free.
If you told a solicitor all that you've told us, couldn't you get an injunction against him coming within a certain distance of you? So sorry to read about this, what a horrible existence.
I think, from the link, that if you write to them they can put extra safeguards in place, over and above ticking the box. It's got to be worth asking?
Thank you I read on the link that I have to write to Electoral role. I always thought just ticking that box was enough? I will write to them next week.
How do I protect myself from these credit rating agencies giving my details out?
Electoral roll info including this;
In addition, those who believe that having their name and address on the electoral register would put them, or anyone who lives with them, at risk can apply for anonymous registration. Ask your Electoral Registration Officer for further information.
Sorry this sounds silly question. But if I can get myself removed from this 192.com, stay ex directory and not listed on the electoral role will this be enough to stop ex tracking me down? Or can he find ds on some sort of records....he has blagged before phoning school and social services etc saying he was 'ds father' asking for confidential information which was given to him. It wasn't checked ex did not have PR.
That is good I can change DC surname without ex permission.
Oh dear does that mean ex can pay a small fee and get my details again
This disappearing thing is not as easy as I thought.
being on the edited register will not harm your credit rating, as credit reference agencies get the full version
Well, that makes it pretty useless for anyone trying to disappear. Loads of companies offer a credit search for about £30.
Haven't read the whole thread, but being on the edited register will not harm your credit rating, as credit reference agencies get the full version of the register.
Best of luck OP.
Don't worry - you don't have to apply for any variation of your ds's birth certificate and, as the father is not named, there's nothing to prevent you changing ds's name.
If your ex was so inclined, he could apply for a contact order which would give him the right to see his ds and he may elect to make application for his name to be added to his ds's birth cert.
However, don't worry unduly about this as, with effect from early April, legal aid won't be available for applications/proceedings of this nature and, unless your ex is particularly well-heeled, it's unlikely he'll have the werewithal to fund what can be costly legal proceedings.
While you're on benefits there's no way you can 'disappear' to the extent that the police wouldn't be able to find you if ordered to do so by a Court of Law or if it were necessary for other reasons, but they won't exercise this power merely on request from your ex.
Yes esp as changed DC schools and ex has been spotted at the old school previously in the morning so doesn't know the new one thankfully which is other side of city. Trouble is DC are on internet and have to watch putting surname to anything incase shows up in searches
Also make sure any dcs at school are not allowed to be photographed.
It is impossible then at present. I will have to wait until I am in a position to rent and change my name and all those documents. That could be another year.
Yes all reported to police but ex has been clever not to be caught/seen by witnesses/neighbours. Police don't even come to my home anymore. I just report and get another incident number.
No contact, no maintenance and sorry can you explain please I have to get varied by court order?
It can be done but once you're established in the halls of officialdom with driving licence/passport/professional qualifications/purchase of property/dc and the like, it's not an easy task to disappear to the extent you become completely untraceable and, even if you were willing to sever all contact with anyone including close relatives/friends in your former life, it will be nigh on impossible to do so a mere 10 miles away from your former home.
Is this somewhat extreme measure absolutely necessary? What legal measures have you taken to combat your ex's dv/stalking? Have any incidents been reported to the police?
By virtue of the fact he's not named on the birth certificate, the father of your dc does not have parental responsibility. Has this been varied by Court order, has he begun proceedings for contact, does he pay maintenance?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.