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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I can't do this anymore

19 replies

shatteredwings · 08/03/2013 21:47

DS is four months old and my relationship with his father has become unbearable. I don't know what to do for the best. He grinds me down day by day and I can't take it anymore.

Every day he has something new to complain about. Mostly it's that I see my family too much. DS is my mums first grandchild and she likes to see him as much as she can which is three or four times a week. Sometimes it's only for an hour or so other times longer but nearly always when P is at work so I don't know what his issue is. I have taken to going to see my mum as soon as he's gone to work, getting home before he does and making out I've not been anywhere because I'm just sick of the arguments it causes.

He moans that my mum never texts him to ask him if she can see DS. When he's at work and I'm at home. Why would she text him and ask him? bizarre. He says this shows that my family don't give a shit about him and he means nothing to them.

There's so much more but I won't bore you. Just needed to rant really.

OP posts:

Report

BertieBotts · 08/03/2013 21:48

:( that sounds tough.

shatteredwings · 08/03/2013 21:50

I have tried to leave before when DS was only a couple of weeks old but he stopped me and said I can't take his son away from him. I probably wouldn't be able to live with that guilt but I'm so unhappy here. This should be the happiest time of my life but I feel so miserable doesn't help that I have no friends and nobody to talk to.

OP posts:

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 08/03/2013 21:50

he sounds like a complete control freak! What the hell has it got to do with him if you see your mum while he's at work? Is this real?

I have a 3 month old and see friends/family all week while dp is working otherwise I would go insane. Dp is always happy we've been out and seen people.

Your dh sounds very odd!

pineapplesherbert · 08/03/2013 21:51

I'm afraid he just sounds unstable. So many men are a bit like this, but some aren't. From your title it sounds like you're thinking of leaving?

tallwivglasses · 08/03/2013 21:51

He seems threatened by your mum. Why do you think that might be? I'm not excusing his behaviour, he's acting like a twunt.

I'm sure there is more. Poor you. This is a time when he should come home and be pleased to see you and delighted to spend some time with his child...

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 08/03/2013 21:51

X posts. :( sorry op sounds tough. Have you tried your local friendship bench? Whereabouts are you?

BertieBotts · 08/03/2013 21:52

Oh lovely you can't stay just because he tells you not to! He can still see his son if you split up. This isn't healthy.

shatteredwings · 08/03/2013 21:54

Yes it's real unfortunately. Wish it wasn't. I don't know why he's so threatened by my mum. Perhaps because his parents are abroad and he doesn't see them often? I don't know. Whenever we row he always says things about my mum and family. I don't know why. They have always tried to make him feel welcome.

OP posts:

shatteredwings · 08/03/2013 21:56

I have been with him a long time before having DS and he was never like this before. I feel like I'm living a nightmare always treading on eggshells. Since saving DS it's like he has become a different person.

OP posts:

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 08/03/2013 21:56

How horrible. Sounds like he's just projecting his anger on you and your mum, which isn't fair :( you should talk about why he does that when both calm

BertieBotts · 08/03/2013 22:02

It's quite a common tune to be singing I'm afraid - thing is he probably always was like this before, it's just that it didn't matter/you were more able to pander to him without it affecting you/you were more independent etc - so it doesn't become obvious until after a baby arrives, and then it feels like it's too late! It's really not, though. You have the right to leave at any time.

Are you the main carer for your son?

shatteredwings · 08/03/2013 22:10

Yes I'm his main carer. He is such a happy little boy but I know he won't stay that way if he hears us arguing all the time. I want him to be happy more than anything in the world.

I don't know where we would go if I left. I have a difficult relationship with my dad so couldn't go to my parents. Don't know if we could afford to stay where we are either. We have a dog too. DS adores him. We couldn't go anywhere where we couldn't take him.

I feel like I'm trapped here with him. I still love him but I'm not happy. I've tried telling him and he says he'll change then after a couple of weeks it's the same old same old.

OP posts:

PureQuintessence · 08/03/2013 22:13

Sounds really hard. Your dp sounds odd and controlling.

PureQuintessence · 08/03/2013 22:15

I have so many questions.
Are you married? Is he from a different culture?
Do you work? (I realize you are probably on maternity leave if you work)
Do you rent, or have a mortgage?

You can leave you know. He does not have to give you permission to end the relationship, that is your decision. He can still see his son if you split up.

BertieBotts · 08/03/2013 22:16

Could you stay with your mum?

I moved out and rented a private house using housing benefit as income and I had a cat. It can be done - you'll need savings and a lot of luck as it's hard to find landlords who will take pets, but if you're determined, you can make it work.

Or, could you get your partner to move out if you told him it was over? Is the house in both of your names?

rhondajean · 08/03/2013 22:18

I really don't think it is a common thing - I don't think most men think like this at all. Certainly not the ones that I know.

Is your mother critical of him? It's the only semi reasonable excuse I can think of. Otherwise, he has a major control issue.

BertieBotts · 08/03/2013 22:21

I didn't mean it was common in the sense of it is normal and you should put up with it. I meant it's common as in OP isn't alone by a long shot and many, many of us here at MN have been where she is right now.

rhondajean · 08/03/2013 22:35

I get you Bertie - from reading on here it would seem its pretty common, but it really isn't. There are apparently a lot of men like this, but it is a minority, and I wouldn't like anyone to think its a normal thing. It's something you really don't need to and shouldn't have to put up with.

It's good to have the support from other MNers who have been there too.

BertieBotts · 08/03/2013 22:49

:)

OP we'll be here when/if you need to talk. We also understand if you just want a rant right now and not to do anything yet. Rhonda is right that you don't have to put up with being treated like this.

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