I'd like you to tell me whether my M's response is par for the course or whether it's due to her own uniquely lovely personality.
I've had problems dealing with her for forever - in our family unit and the extended family unit she is generally seen as hard work, to say the very least. Completely lacking in empathy, a total bitch if you don't meet her standards but nice as pie to anyone she respects/fears, socially awkward when it comes to anything other than polite small talk with people you don't really know. I could go on.
A few years ago she had what I can only describe as a moment of clarity, where she finally acknowledged that she'd been a 'terrible mother' to me and DSis (apparently my dad finally told her this). Several years of seeming remorse have followed, although she has never given any actual explanation for her actions. We've pressed her for such and she just looks sad and cries. She seemed to expect us to just accept the histrionics and suddenly discover we loved and needed her. She was rather discomfited when we made it clear that wasn't going to happen.
So we've been moseying on, with her growing decreasingly crawly and increasingly pissed off that we don't show her the respect she thinks she has somehow earnt. I suspect she had her fit of remorse because she realised we'd never talk to her again otherwise. I now have two DSs and she adores them - they are her world, even though she lives several hours away. I mainly stay in touch with her because it would upset my dad if I didn't and because I'm not heartless enough to take away the one thing (well, two) that she seems to care about in the world. Anyway, that's the background.
The more recent history is that she's been diagnosed with breast cancer and is now awaiting a mastectomy. I do have sympathy for her on this score as it's a frightening thing to go through (no personal experience) and have been trying to support her whilst also not caving in to her 'Look after MEEE' guilt trips.
There are a couple of things she's said which have upset me recently. When she was first diagnosed and told me, I tried my best to be supportive and positive (TBH I wasn't that upset, more unsettled by the news). She then said 'I thought you'd tell me that you told me so.' This is wrt her life-long smoking habit which I openly disapprove of. I thought it was a somewhat unpleasant thing to say but dismissed it as her general oddness. I must admit I thought it, but would never say it - I'm not THAT much of a bitch.
The second one was last night. My dad told me that she told him (sorry, convoluted) that I don't call her enough (she's alone and lonely in another county) and that I was doing it on purpose as payback for our hateful childhood. Now that does hurt. Firstly, I don't think about her enough to want to do such a thing. Secondly, I called her 3 days ago FFS. And thirdly, does she really think that little of me? Does she really think I am that shitty a person?
DH has suggested that it's what she would do if the tables were turned and that I shouldn't take it as a personal criticism. What do you all think? Have any of your mothers ever attributed horrible untrue behaviour to you?
Sorry it's so long, didn't want to drip-feed.
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ARGH. Could those of you with narcissistic mothers come over here for a moment please?
13 replies
Herrena · 08/03/2013 19:59
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