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just asked/told DP to leave

(68 Posts)
macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 11:25:18

My dp of 13 years has become increasingly horrible. He has been fond of waving the "If you don't like it I 'll leave " card whenever challenged re his behaviour. This morning I just said fine, I agree that you should go.
So now I am hiding upstairs waiting for him to actually fuck off.
There is a long and difficult back story to this which I will fill in when he goes. Sorry for the drip feed - need some support. I have posted before but under different names and he has tricked me into believing he will change - I have realised for a while now that he won't.
We have four children and I am pregnant. I have a very demanding job; he is unemployed. My family all live hundreds of kilometres away.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 08-Mar-13 12:20:02

Please do tell people in RL and maybe 101 too to let them know that he is leaving. Given his violent past, and latest outburst against your DD, it is best that they know to come quickly.

Please do expect him to change his mind and try to come back, and prepare a plan accordingly: ask neighbours to be vigilant, ask friend around, etc.

Good luck.

Dryjuice25 Fri 08-Mar-13 12:21:11

Yes Katrine. The way he is with the kids is wholly unacceptable. Why is he damaging his own DCS? There is no excuse for this.

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 12:24:50

The unemployment is a result of an accident which left him incapacitated for two years during which the company he worked for ceased trading. He has not been able to find work since as his profession has been badly affected by recession.
However he hasn't tried to retrain or seek alternative employment either.
He did receive a substantial compensation pay out which he blew 50 percent of on the horses - did I mention he is a gambler?

OldBagWantsNewBag Fri 08-Mar-13 12:28:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 12:30:54

He needs money for the bus.
I have left it downstairs.
I feel a bit wobbly

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 12:33:13

oh god more bag rustling and draw slamming sad

Hopasholic Fri 08-Mar-13 12:44:00

He's trying to make you feel sorry for him. Don't. Stay strong, you've made a difficult decision but the right one for you and your children. Try and find out if you'd be entitled to any financial help with childcare/ WTC Go onto benefits adviser, you can do a rough calculation without putting any personal details in.
( obviously not right now, you've got enough on, but do have a look)

DoctorWhoFan Fri 08-Mar-13 12:45:39

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but be strong, for yourself and the DCs.

Do you know what he's taking? Just in case he's hoofing off with all the family 'silver'?

Lizzabadger Fri 08-Mar-13 12:47:01

Don't start feeling sorry for him. Ignore, ignore, ignore all his pathetic attention-seeking attempts.

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 12:47:35

nothing of value for him to take here; it's all high drama..

Dryjuice25 Fri 08-Mar-13 12:52:05

He is just attention seeking. Ignore. You are doing well so far. Let him go.

OldBagWantsNewBag Fri 08-Mar-13 12:52:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gintonic Fri 08-Mar-13 12:54:55

Stay strong. Put the key in the door when he's gone so he can't let himself back in.

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 12:59:35

well he's gone. Took a few clothes in a binbag.
As he was leaving he announced that he will be here on tuesday or wednesday to go to the council and take his name off of the tenancy agreement. Said as though he was doing me a favour .
I pointed out that it was in his interest to do this as he will not qualify with help towards his own housing costs if he didn't.
Stupid man.

Flisspaps Fri 08-Mar-13 13:01:38

Well done you.

And breathe.

Tell him that you will meet him at the council office (or wherever you need to go) to take his name off, he doesn't need to come to your house to do it.

DoctorWhoFan Fri 08-Mar-13 13:06:00

Oh well done macklemom. You did it! Now you can face your future with a smile and a spring in your step away from someone who is nasty to you and your children.


BeCool Fri 08-Mar-13 13:16:22

Well done macklemom - he's out!! You are so doing the right thing - even the kindest and most understanding partner has to draw the line somewhere when things just don't change for the better. It does seem to be that bad behaviour leads to worse behaviour, rather than improvements in these men.

I asked my P to leave at Xmas - now it's March and it's amazing how quickly the new routine and new 'normal' happens. Me and the DC are all enjoying our lives without exP's hostility, and exP is trying very hard to be nice!

You can do this & you will all be better off without him. {{{hugs}}}

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 13:28:43

don't really know how I feel to be honest.
I am happy but afraid of the long road ahead.
Two of the dc's have additional needs. I am exhausted with this pregnancy.
I guess it will be easier without a manchild on top.
The house is in bits as with me working full time for the last two years he hasnt kept on top of the house work/maintenance- I have had to do it; but struggle since being preggers.

CityTiliDie Fri 08-Mar-13 13:51:10

Well done for chucking him out and make sure he stays gone.

Must say I'm a bit surprised why you went on having children with this twat when you have had a 'long history' of trouble and violence.

Bit late now.

Good luck

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 15:32:38

thank you for the overwhelming support everyone.

CitytilIdie - thank you but I must say I have seen similar comments on other threads ( not by you) and always think it sounds terribly rude to ask someone 'why' they had their children. I don't expect such comments are meant to be insulting but it sounds like the posters think the children from abusive relationships don't deserve to be born.
A quick read of these boards will show that it is not uncommon for otherwise intelligent women to be married to and have children with abusive men and that extricating oneself from such is a long and painful process.
Sorry but my children are loved and adored and it just rankles a bit when comments as such are made.. not looking for a bunfight smile

SolidGoldBrass Fri 08-Mar-13 17:29:32

Have a chat with WOmen's Aid about getting help and support for yourself, also your midwife/HV/GP and the police DV unit. As this wretched man has a track record of violence, they will support you in keeping him out of the house and indeed getting a non-mol order to prevent hiim coming anywhere near you if necessary. RIght now you need, by the sound of it, some practical help with the DC and, in time, some counselling for yourself eg Freedom Programme. If you had an awful childhood, that's part of the reason why you have ended up with an abusive man - it's not your fault, but people who have been abused are attractive to abusers.
Best of luck, your new life starts today.

OldBagWantsNewBag Fri 08-Mar-13 18:03:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

macklemom Fri 08-Mar-13 21:38:58

eek something weird going on with this its not showing up ..

akaemmafrost Fri 08-Mar-13 21:47:50

Anyone who asks someone why they had children/are pregnant when that person posts about their relationship being problematic and for support is a complete and utter arsehole.


CityTiliDie Fri 08-Mar-13 21:50:11

You're right it doesnt matter now anyway and I appologise if anyone found it offensive to ask a question, being a male I do not understand what makes an intelligent woman think " this partner of mine is a twat, drinks, takes drugs, gambles, is violent towards me...... I know what will help. More children!"

I'm not having a go at any one and I know these children are nearly always loved and well cared for but they are nearly always damaged by the parents relationship too. I simply dont understand why you would have more in a relationship that is that bad.

If any one can explain I would be grateful.

I hope that OP gets herself sorted and this nob out of her life for good.

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