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I probably am being unreasonable but please be gentle - UPDATE

(93 Posts)
ffswhatnow Thu 07-Mar-13 21:09:56

Parents are away at the moment, I am picking them up from the airport on Sunday. Aunt has flight number and details, I know the airport, terminal and time it gets in.

She calls me tonight (literally five minutes after I get in from work - I'm trying to get the shopping put away) to give me flight number.

DH has just been made redundant, finishes mid April, I am having the most awful time at work (think bullying/harassment), I have MH problems and in the middle of a severe depressive episode, seeing a psychiatrist next week. She knows this.

She has just had major back surgery and is in quite a lot of pain. I've not been able to go to see her since she had it done (DH has understandably been low and doesn't like me being away from him when he's in - not posessive at all - more like he feels very low and needs the company).

Aunt called tonight, bit of a chat whilst I was getting shopping sorted and then I sat down. U~tterly awful behaviour I know, but I did. She wanted to give me flight number. Mother being incredibly picky about making sure I had the information but ho hum hmm

Explained that I would look up flight info on Sunday, to make sure that they hadn't bneen delayed, and that it's OK - I don't really need the flight number.

Now she took real offence at this -I had just sat down, I'm mentally and emotionally exhaused (I've been crying for days) and she wanted me to go and get a pen and take all the details. I can't believe i'm writing this - it soounds so pathetic. She then turned on me and said that I was being really rude and that I wasn't to "do her any favours" by taking the flight number down. She then hung up before i had a chance to find oiut what they were doing over the weekend so that I could drop off a "Mother's Day" gift (she doesn't have children, my sis and I give her a little gift every year, this year I made her a necklace sad )

I know I sound incredibly pathetic and I probably am BU - please be gentle

lemonstartree Thu 07-Mar-13 21:14:09

you are being a bit weedy - I am trying to be gentle.

just ignore her tantrums, chill down and deal with fight numbers etc when you are ready

choirmum Thu 07-Mar-13 21:14:29

I think you've got a lot on your plate at the moment and her call was just the final straw. Be kind to yourself, do what you need to do and sort out the flight details on sunday. Oh, and drop her gift off as normal - you're a nicer person than she is x

MrsRajeshKoothrappali Thu 07-Mar-13 21:14:32

I've been there.

Going through a rough patch and am sometimes so mentally/physically exhausted that hauling myself from the sofa seems the hardest thing in the world.

Don't feel bad.

brew

ffswhatnow Thu 07-Mar-13 21:16:50

Thank you - I was expecting to be flamed blush

I've just tried calling to apologise and say that I didn't mean to sound rude but she's either on the phone or taken it off the hook

Lemon - I feel TOTALLY weedy atm - just want to crawl into a corner and hide blush

Catsdontcare Thu 07-Mar-13 21:17:41

Sounds like everyone is having a terrible time including your aunt if she has just had major surgery and is in pain.

Sounds like the last thing you need is a falling out over something like a flight number.

MrsMymble Thu 07-Mar-13 21:17:42

I think you've got a lot on your plate at the moment and her call was just the final straw. Be kind to yourself, do what you need to do and sort out the flight details on sunday. Oh, and drop her gift off as normal - you're a nicer person than she is x

This! Oh and you don't sound pathetic at all. Hope you feel better soon.

PanpiperAtTheGatesOfYawn Thu 07-Mar-13 21:18:37

sweetheart, it's ok. You were a bit rude but your aunt was being oversensitive and had an unnecessarily massive hissy fit. She's in pain, you're overburdened. It's not surprising she was cross or you were exhausted. It's just bad luck she got you then.

I have a much-loved aunt who is like this -older and doesn't have children and her mind is amazingly inflexible - she has a plan (whether it's going somewhere or making a phonecall) an she can't adjust if anything changes.

Call her back when you are feeling less fragile and apologise - explain everything here. And let it go if she's stays sniffy, ask hr about the weekend and pretend she's accepted your apology. Remember, she's in pain but you didn't commit a murder so she'll get over it.

It'll all be ok.

CloudsAndTrees Thu 07-Mar-13 21:18:56

Well, if you are depressed, presumably you know you're not at your most rational.

You could have just humoured her and pretended to write down the flight details, I do stuff like that all the time while I'm talking to older relatives. It keeps them happy and makes them feel reassured, so it's no skin off my nose.

So yes, you were unreasonable IMO, but being unreasonable is what people with depression do. If you can, put it into perspective and forget about it.

DeepRedBetty Thu 07-Mar-13 21:19:32

No of course yanbu. Here's some [chocolate]

Your Aunt is doing what my DM sometimes does, it's called Taking Umbrage or Burning Martyr Syndrome in our family.

Ring her back sometime - at your convenience - and ask her about the weekend then.

It does take guts but occasionally you need to tell family when they ring that it's a bad time to talk and can you call them back - do your family know that? It did take some time to teach one of my SILs that 'I'm a bit busy right now' really did mean 'I will put the phone down in ten seconds and get on with changing this nappy whether you're still talking or not'.

ffswhatnow Thu 07-Mar-13 21:19:57

MrsRK (love the name btw!) - that's absolutely how I feel - finding it so hard supporting DH and trying not to make it totally obvious that I'm crumbling that even making the effort to breathe is killing me

DeepRedBetty Thu 07-Mar-13 21:20:50

Sorry and accidentally deleted para about 'yes she's just had surgery but still no need for hissy fit' before posting.

ChipTheFish Thu 07-Mar-13 21:21:17

YANBU. You sound like you are under a lot of stress and getting a bit overwhelmed with things. At least you are going to see the psychiatrist next week, maybe she can help.

In the meantime, go easy on yourself, get your comfy pj's on and have a large glass of wine.

Wishiwasanheiress Thu 07-Mar-13 21:21:52

Flames? No reason for flames, just brandy and marshmallows. Hugs. I've had a shite week too. Feel similar. Cadburys popcorn choc n red wine helping.....!

Catsdontcare Thu 07-Mar-13 21:22:34

It's great your supporting your dh but it's his job to support you too. Sorry things are so tough. I remember the days where it felt like wading hip deep through treacle

ffswhatnow Thu 07-Mar-13 21:25:15

Clouds I wish I had thought of that <takes notes in case there is a next time>

I feel so torn - on one hand I feel awful - she needs support and I know I didn't react in a way that was helpful. On the other hand it's a fucking flight number and I feel like she was being a pain in the ass and that she couldn't give a shit about what anyone else is going through atm. But then I think about that and feel even worse, especially as she is going through such an awful time herself

<ties self in knots>

flippinada Thu 07-Mar-13 21:25:48

You don't sound pathetic at all. And why are you apologising for sitting down while you take a phone call? That's perfectly reasonable, it really is.

I understand your Aunt has had a hard time too - being in constant pain is awful.

I'm sure once you have both had time to mull it over and thought on it, it will be fine.

(That's assuming this is not a regular pattern of behaviour on her part of course).

ffswhatnow Thu 07-Mar-13 21:28:07

I know I'm being really needy now, but it will get better, won't it?

flippinada Thu 07-Mar-13 21:30:28

ffs you sound like such a lovely, caring person.

You have such a lot on your plate right now and it sounds as though you could do with some support yourself, and a break. Do you have any support?

ffswhatnow Thu 07-Mar-13 21:31:36

TBH it is a bit of a behavour pattern. We fell out in 2011 - she spoke to DH like shit because he didn't give the advice she wanted him to (he is in architecture, she wanted advice on a conservatory they wanted to bulid - DH warned that they should be careful as what they were planning was known to result in leaks). I was prepared to go NC over it, only ever got an apology through my Mum. Things fine since then (we are a very, very small family - lost my grandma in 2010 so we kinda all have to get along) - this is the first hiccup since

Catsdontcare Thu 07-Mar-13 21:32:01

It will get better my love.

ffswhatnow Thu 07-Mar-13 21:32:24

Not really, but then I'm not seeking it - I don't want to bring other people down, I'd rather just keep myself to myself and ride it out

ffswhatnow Thu 07-Mar-13 21:33:22

thanks Cats - how are things with you now? Has the treacle at least reduced to thin caramel?

flippinada Thu 07-Mar-13 21:37:42

Hmmm...if it is a behavior pattern then I have a lot less sympathy for her.

My advice then would be different - you needn't pay any attention to her tantrum; and certainly don't feel you ought to ring her back and apologise (that's what she'll be after).

If that's your way of dealing with it then that's absolutely fine. - I like to keep myself to myself as well so understand that. But it's also ok to ask for support if you want it.

ffswhatnow Thu 07-Mar-13 21:41:40

Well, I finally got through. I was bawling my eyes out. All she said was "yes you were veyr rude and you can't get away with talking to people like that"

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