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Please help, no idea what to do :(

(83 Posts)
sunshineandfreedom Thu 07-Mar-13 18:47:32

A couple of weeks ago I found out - concrete, irrefutable proof found out - that a close friend of mine has been cheating on his wife, regularly sleeping with someone else. He told me that she had some issues in her past that meant she didn't ever want sex and that that part of their relationship was over several years ago. He begged me not to tell her, saying that it was just for sex and he loved her but it was the one part of their relationship missing, blah.

I found out this evening that she's pregnant. Which means the "it's just because we don't have that part in our relationship" was utter bollocks. I feel sick (she is a friend too, though I don't know her as well). I want to call him and have it out with him right now but I know I can't. I'm seeing him tomorrow on a work-related thing and don't think I'll even be able to look at him.

Someone please help me, I don't know what to do sad part of me thinks she should know, because he's done this before and will certainly continue if I don't say something, but I honestly don't know what's for the best sad can someone please tell me what to do? Because I could just weep for her sad

sunshineandfreedom Thu 07-Mar-13 21:04:32

Saltpig because she's my friend too and just announced it. She's 3 months gone.

bodencatalogue Thu 07-Mar-13 22:29:08

Very difficult because you know them.

Doesn't alter my opinion that its none of your business. By getting involved you are appointing yourself a position in their relationship that you are not entitled to.

carlywurly Thu 07-Mar-13 22:35:00

What calamity said.
Shitty situation hmm

OrWellyAnn Thu 07-Mar-13 22:36:45

I am with those who say tell her. But I wonder if there is another way? Do you guys ever chill out alone and chat? Culd you bring up a mythical thread you 'read online' where the couple don't have sex with each other but the husband (or wife, if it feels less obvious) has permission to get their rocks off elsewhere.

If this really is their arrangement she might confide it, but if she vehemently argues that it's wrong, then you know he's lying and can consider telling her what you know.

dippymother Fri 08-Mar-13 07:42:24

Agree with Calamity. Other than that and maybe a bit childish, but an anonymous letter to the wife?

Netguru Fri 08-Mar-13 08:01:37

What if you tell her and she is forced to tell you the pregnancy is due to ivf?

Keep out. You could ruin three people's lives.

sunshineandfreedom Fri 08-Mar-13 10:23:45

So I've spoken to him this morning. He says that they've had sex twice in the past year, but didn't use protection and that's how she's now pregnant. That he wasn't lying to me, that there's no physical intimacy there. I don't know what to think, he's a really good friend and I never envisioned having to deal with this...

Eurostar Fri 08-Mar-13 10:33:52

It's a really difficult one, I don't know if I would tell her or not, I think I probably would. I would certainly be bombarding him with email links about the dangers of STDs in pregnancy, I find that men are stunningly ignorant about the disabilities and miscarriages that can result from this.

Dahlen Fri 08-Mar-13 10:41:14

I would tell him that if he doesn't tell her, you will.

You may well lose your friendship with both of them over this, but too much is riding on this. Most importantly, the welfare of this woman's unborn child is dependent on the mother knowing. Not only in terms of missed STDs but should the mother decide she wants to call off the marriage completely, she may decide she doesn't want to be a single mother and have an abortion. If she goes ahead with the pregnancy and then finds out (and these things have a habit of coming out eventually) she could resent having the child and find your discretion a massive betrayal so reject your friendship anyway.

Under normal circumstances I would probably say nothing, but the fact the wife is pregnant changes everything.

CleopatrasAsp Fri 08-Mar-13 10:41:36

He lied last time so why would you believe him now? He's a skank. Please tell his poor wife, she deserves to know the truth, particularly now she is pregnant with his child. In all honesty I couldn't be friends with someone who behaved like this so I wouldn't worry about the friendship. Even if there are sexual problems in their relationship, surely he should be working on those not having sex with other people. If that was the answer then surely he would have his wife's permission - but of course he doesn't, which tells you everything.

Greensleeves Fri 08-Mar-13 10:46:39

I'd tell him he has one week to tell her, and if he didn't I would tell her myself

Even if she takes it out on you initially, she still needs to know. She should have the opportunity to decide whether or not she wants to raise her baby with a selfish manchild.

CalamityJan Fri 08-Mar-13 11:51:51

I condemn his behaviour completely.
But it just isn't the OP's place to tell his wife.
Do those of you who tell also call the police every time you know of a friend speeding?
Or call HMRC every time you see someone pocket a receipt to use against a tax claim?
or pay cash to a window cleaner instead of a taxable, NI'd invoice?

I think we have to look carefully and make sure that we are genuinely acting out of loyalty and in the best interests of someone, or if we are being judemental, moralistic, or using power to create a furore.

His wife is either in blissful ignorance, or is choosing to turn a blind eye or will be suspicious and find out for herself.

OP - YOUR issue is that he is using you as his distorted sounding board and making up crap. He should sort out his marriage properley and honestly and not try and make it all about him (oh, poor me, no sex, poor me, baby on way...). React accrding to how you feel about how he is treating you and how you feel about his treatment of others. Beyond that, I don't think it is your business.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 08-Mar-13 12:04:02

Put yourself in her shoes. What would you want?
Go from there.

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 08-Mar-13 12:11:15

Your friend is so full of shit.

Sorry if I missed this info earlier but is he still seeing the OW?

If so I vote tell her.

practicality Fri 08-Mar-13 12:21:28

Does the OW know about the wife? Could you approach her because he is bound to have spun her some line....

Then tell him to sort out this mess and at least give his wife an informed choice or you will.

I don't think he is a friend worth keeping.

Charbon Fri 08-Mar-13 12:55:10

Chances are the OW will dump him once she knows he's been lying to her and is going to be a father, but unfortunately some women in her position will still continue an affair in a wife's pregnancy and believe an implausible story about sex happening only once or twice.

What people are saying about the health risks to an unborn child are spot on. Women aren't routinely tested in pregnancy unless they specifically ask for it.

If you're friends with his wife then you can probably find out a lot. It wouldn't be unusual to ask if they'd been trying for a long time or whether the pregnancy was unexpected and somewhat miraculous. I think this might be the way to go; find out a bit more information, see if the affair ends and then decide what to do.

Snazzynewyear Fri 08-Mar-13 12:58:24

"I don't think he is a friend worth keeping."

^^ This.

foolonthehill Fri 08-Mar-13 13:00:11

I don't know what you should do.

I know if I was your friend's wife I would prefer to know...either because you managed to get him to tell me, or because you did it.

I did not live with this situation, but a different one where several people all joined in keeping some important truths from me (not together but as individuals deciding it was none of their business) their silence cost me a lot of pain and years. It would have been hard to hear, but it has been harder to live with the consequences and knowledge that they did nothing.

sunshineandfreedom Fri 08-Mar-13 14:28:39

The OW knows, and has been told the same story as me "because it's the truth", apparently hmm

And she believed him, and so I should as well, apparently. Because I'm his friend, apparently. Ugh.

sunshineandfreedom Fri 08-Mar-13 14:48:41

It wouldn't be unusual to ask if they'd been trying for a long time or whether the pregnancy was unexpected and somewhat miraculous.

That's an angle I could go down I suppose...

BrittaPerry Fri 08-Mar-13 14:59:04

From the STD angle, I was tested for everything in both pregnancies. I don't know if I somehow look like I might have an std or somethi. I also got pregnant both times from one unprotected sex per pregnancy.

Still doesn't mean you shoukd beleive him.

CleopatrasAsp Sat 09-Mar-13 00:24:17

CalamityJan those instances of wrongdoing are completely different and not really that comparable. However, in answer to your questions, I would shop someone who habitually drove at high speed because it is dangerous to other, innocent, people. I would be indifferent to the tax dodgers since nobody is at risk of being hurt or injured by someone not paying their tax - however immoral that may be.

I would tell the friend's wife not because I feel all moral about it but because she has a right to know that her husband is putting her sexual health at risk - as well as her unborn child's.

You say that it is not the OP's place to tell the wife but whose place is it then since her husband clearly won't tell her and she is pregnant and vulnerable? I hope that I would try to do the right thing by her rather than 'not get involved' because I didn't want to appear non-judgemental or moralistic. If she was angry with me afterward in a shoot-the-messenger kind of way then so be it.

eccentrica Sat 09-Mar-13 08:01:25

It really doesn't matter if they ve had sex twice or two hundred times does it? The question is whether or not you should tell a pregnant woman that her husband is having an affair. You don't need the exact details of their relationship to make that decision.
I think I would want to know.

DeskPlanner Sat 09-Mar-13 08:48:11

I'd tell,her. She's pregnant, she needs to know. Even if he is telling the truth he isn't, she deserves to know. If you loose the friendship, then so be it. The wife does need to know.

Inertia Sat 09-Mar-13 09:08:04

I agree with Dahlen - the health of the mother and unborn baby are the priority here. She needs to know what she might have caught from her husband. IIRC you give permission for particular tests to be carried out while you are pregnant - if she thinks there is no need to bother then she might not authorised all the STD tests.

In your shoes, I think I would tell her . The friendship with the husband is a dead duck anyway . You can extend the hand of friendship and support to the wife but be prepared for her to reject you.

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