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Please help, no idea what to do :(

(83 Posts)
sunshineandfreedom Thu 07-Mar-13 18:47:32

A couple of weeks ago I found out - concrete, irrefutable proof found out - that a close friend of mine has been cheating on his wife, regularly sleeping with someone else. He told me that she had some issues in her past that meant she didn't ever want sex and that that part of their relationship was over several years ago. He begged me not to tell her, saying that it was just for sex and he loved her but it was the one part of their relationship missing, blah.

I found out this evening that she's pregnant. Which means the "it's just because we don't have that part in our relationship" was utter bollocks. I feel sick (she is a friend too, though I don't know her as well). I want to call him and have it out with him right now but I know I can't. I'm seeing him tomorrow on a work-related thing and don't think I'll even be able to look at him.

Someone please help me, I don't know what to do sad part of me thinks she should know, because he's done this before and will certainly continue if I don't say something, but I honestly don't know what's for the best sad can someone please tell me what to do? Because I could just weep for her sad

Vinnyinny Thu 07-Mar-13 18:53:30

Hi, sorry to hear you are in this tricky situation. I don't think you can keep this information from her. For a start, he could be putting her sexual health at risk, and therefore the baby's health. He doesn't deserve protection, and she has a right to know. I completely understand how difficult this is for you, but telling her is the best thing for her, and her baby. Important decisions may be made off the back of this information, and I wouldn't want to be the one standing in the way of that hmm

sunshineandfreedom Thu 07-Mar-13 18:54:54

It'll kill her sad

elly67jo Thu 07-Mar-13 18:56:16

My best friend has been having an affair for near on 2 years with another friend/former colleague of ours. My family and hers socialise frequently and have been on holiday together. I like her dh although he does give her a hard time and she has her reasons for cheating. Is difficult position to be in but do you really want to be the one spilling the beans-you don't know what the fallout could be, are there children? Give him hell but I wouldn't be the one to tell all.

Vinnyinny Thu 07-Mar-13 18:59:15

I know. She needs to know who she is married to, and who she is potentially co-parenting with. Do they have other children? There is no easy way for you here, and there is a fair bit at stake, including your friendship, but I think telling her is your only real option. Or making sure that he does. Soon. Is that an option?

sunshineandfreedom Thu 07-Mar-13 19:01:09

I can talk to him about it tomorrow but he may just shut down. So DC except this one...

sunshineandfreedom Thu 07-Mar-13 19:01:18

*No DC

sunshineandfreedom Thu 07-Mar-13 19:08:27

This is horrible, sorry, I'm a bit of a mess about it

sunshineandfreedom Thu 07-Mar-13 19:16:50

Anyone else care to weigh in?

Carolra Thu 07-Mar-13 19:20:43

Oh man this is tricky. I'm not sure I'd want to know if DH was having an affair... Or maybe I would. I think your first port of call is to talk to him... He's not been honest with you and you're supposed to be friends. These things almost always get out one way or another, and when she finds out, which she will, how would you feel about her knowing you knew but didn't say anything??

cupcake78 Thu 07-Mar-13 19:25:52

I think I'd talk to him and basically put the fear of god in him! Tell him you know what he said was a load of rubbish that you are considering tell your friend and if he doesn't stop you most definitely will (if you any way of knowing this).

You know your friend, would she want to know? Some people would rather not, she may not believe you, she may be very annoyed with you, she may believe him over you.

If he is a serial cheater I'd tell her or I'd have to walk away from the friendship and if your friend asks you why tell her to ask her dh!

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 07-Mar-13 19:26:49

People tend to shoot the messenger, you are in a horrible situation. Im not sure what you can do though. The sexual health thing is a worry but whats done is done so it wont make a difference, or would it? Are you close enough to this guy to tell him what you really think?

sunshineandfreedom Thu 07-Mar-13 19:29:23

I don't know. I don't think she would be surprised but I do think shed be heartbroken. I think I'll talk to him tomorrow and see what he says...

kinkyfuckery Thu 07-Mar-13 19:29:56

I'm unclear - who is pregnant? The wife or the OW?

sunshineandfreedom Thu 07-Mar-13 19:33:09

The wife, kinky.

CalamityJan Thu 07-Mar-13 19:42:51

I would tell him he is a complete and utter bastard, for cheating, for making up lame and dishonest 'justifications', for putting his DW at risk of STI and for risking his baby in the same way.

Tell him that you are disgusted with him. That he needs to grow up, live his responsibilities and learn to be honest like a decent human being. Tell him that if his wife is ever suspicious and asks you, as knowing his work, if he has ever been unfaithful you absolutely will not lie.

But I don't think I would actually tel unless she asksl. She is not your sister, or your best closest friend, and it really isn;t your business to police other people's relationships. But as his 'friend' it is your business to tell him what you think.

I would probably retreat as his friend, because he has been dishonest and manipulative with you, spinning a tale to try and make you 'understand' his bastard behaviour. What a tosser!

dondon33 Thu 07-Mar-13 20:26:33

It's pointless to appeal to his conscience - he doesn't have one. He's lying to his wife and he's blatantly lied to you about the sex side of things.
I honestly believe if you think his wife should know it's going to have to be you that tells her sad
Not a position I'd like to find myself in.

dondon33 Thu 07-Mar-13 20:27:45

Calamity makes sense.

Saltpig Thu 07-Mar-13 20:37:13

Not a position I'd like to find myself in

No nor me. But of all the people you think your friend would 'want' to hear such fucking awful news from, who would it be?

sunshineandfreedom Thu 07-Mar-13 20:42:50

That she does.

sunshineandfreedom Thu 07-Mar-13 20:43:21

Saltpig that's the thing. I think he needs to tell her.

NoisesOff Thu 07-Mar-13 20:50:57

Sometimes couples who don't have sex use IVF. So there's a chance he's telling the truth about them not having sex. But there's also a big chance that he's a lying git. :-(

Concentrateonthegood Thu 07-Mar-13 20:53:27

OP, I feel for you. We're all different and I know for sure I wouldn't be able to tell her. But, I would talk to him and point out exactly what he is risking and tell him that others may know and he should come clean himself.

I had a bit of the same problem years ago. Boss at work having a fling with one of my staff. We were a small company and we all socialised regularly with our spouses so I knew his wife and I knew the ow's husband. I took my boss out to lunch and tried to have a chat with him but it was not easy and he just about told me to keep my nose out. The affair petered out of its own accord and as far as I know, his wife never found out.

Saltpig Thu 07-Mar-13 20:55:13

But he's crap isn't he?

He's a crap friend and a crap partner. Who owes him anything?

How did you find out his DP is pregnant btw?

Snazzynewyear Thu 07-Mar-13 21:00:07

If you tell him he has to tell her or you will, he will work out some way to discredit you before you get the chance. Then you will look like the loon friend. I would tell her yourself. You've said you don't think she will be surprised though she will be upset. I think later on she will respect you for being honest.

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