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splitting up over sex

(47 Posts)
NippyDrips Thu 07-Mar-13 09:37:18

Dp smokes weed. This in itself has caused problems as I am against drugs but we have reached a compromise. He smokes of an evening in the shed or at his friends houses, he doesn't spend more than we can afford and he doesn't drink, take other drugs stay out all night partying etc. He says it helps him to unwind much like a glass of wine in the evening etc.

The problem is, when he is smoking every day he has ni sex drive. We haven't had sex in a month. We are both mid twenties and when he's not smoking we have it at least 3 times a week so it is definitely the weed killing it.

I want sex more often that once a month and I don't see why I should give up a healthy sex life so he can take drugs. I make an effort with my apperancre, have lost all of the baby weight and more.

I have spoken to him about it an he said he would make an effort. We had sex 3 times that week then nothing since. (that was a month ago). I brought it up again but now it feels like if he does have sex with me its because I am forcing him.

Is this worth splitting up over or would I be a fool to break up my family over sex.

NippyDrips Sat 09-Mar-13 08:39:13

It's not a long term solution. My maternity leave is over in a few weeks, I don't think mine or dc mental health will be affected in that short space of time.

It gives him a chance to sort it out, knowing that I am serious and this is the date that he will be leaving if things haven't changed.

CityTiliDie Sat 09-Mar-13 06:29:57

Staying with someone for financial reasons is wrong.

You may not be able to see how you could cope financailly without him but trust me you could, think more how appalling your DC's life will be affected by this twat and by your failing mood and MH if you dont kick his drug addled arse out soon.

Money is not the be all and end all. Your DC nad your mental well being are way more valuable than all the diamonds on the planet.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 08-Mar-13 18:58:11

Zippey, first thing someone learns when going to get help to deal with an addict in the family is the three Cs:

You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.

Of course you don't just cut them off because of their addiction but you can do real damage to yourself if you think they are still addicts because you didn't love / help enough.

<bitter experience>

MissMilliment Fri 08-Mar-13 17:40:16

No worries Nippy smile

Fallenangle Fri 08-Mar-13 17:14:01

I think the posters who suggest you help him to give would have a point if he wanted to give up. It seems he doesn't. You can't help him do what he doesn't want to do.
Perhaps when you go back to work you should have a 'weed or me' discussion. That will be a change in both your lives that can be used as a turning point. If it means he has some sleepless nights after he gives up thats much better than losing you, and anyway you have other ways to make him sleepy.

NippyDrips Fri 08-Mar-13 16:58:33

missmilliment ds has his cot on my side of the bed so I am always between him and dp. I can feed both breast sleeping on one side so he is never between us. No risk of poor ds getting squashed or dp would be on the sofa.

Thanks for making sure I am aware though. I would never want to put ds in any danger.

zippey Fri 08-Mar-13 16:46:12

MissMilliment makes a good point about co-sleeping.

Thats good that he knows he has a deadline to meet. I think I would be worried that he would fall back into his bad habits after meeting that deadline though.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 08-Mar-13 16:32:23

But zippey... with the best will in the world, no amount of love can make someone else come off drugs, quit alcohol, lose weight or ditch any other bad habit or lifestyle choice. So there's no 'helping them come out the other side' if they refuse to go in one side in the first place. If you've ever lived with an addict, you'd know that. The 'in sickness and in health' has to be a two-way street therefore. Not one partner deliberately harming themselves and wrecking the relationship whilst expecting the other partner to sit meekly by hoping for change that never comes. Life's far too short to waste it.

MissMilliment Fri 08-Mar-13 15:33:20

I hope I'm not opening a whole other can of worms here, OP, and I'm assuming you've already got this covered, but I noticed you're the same poster I was chatting to on a cosleeping thread and I really hope your DP is nowhere near your baby when you're cosleeping if he's going to bed stoned.

Sorry for the potentially judgy post, feel free to set me straight smile

NippyDrips Fri 08-Mar-13 15:22:02

Thanks for all the advice, it has been helpful to see lots of different opinions.

Splitting up is not an option finacially until I am back at work in a few weeks. We have spoken an he realised that is his deadline to start putting me and dc first or things are over between us.

Thanks again.

zippey Fri 08-Mar-13 14:59:22

Thats what people who love each other do though. Wether they are your partner or child, you would help them to come out the other side, if you love them that is and see a future with them. In sickness and health. Male or female.

Personally I wouldnt see a future with a drug addict.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 08-Mar-13 14:06:58


UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 08-Mar-13 14:06:47

Like any addiction he might need help to get off, but if you love him enough, you will help him.

Oh God no. There's enough guilt heaped on the poor woman as it is. First rule of addicion is that addicts have to help themselves. If they continue to be addicts, it's not because someone didn't love them enough.

CityTiliDie Fri 08-Mar-13 13:58:53

I could go out every night an get shit faced.....

but I dont, I'm a grown up

I could go out and sleep with other women......

but I dont , I'm in a relationship

I could do all sorts of things that I would like to but being a responsible, grown up, father with a gorgeous DW I dont and if he was anything of the above he would stop taking the drugs and start taking responsibilty.

He can enjoy himself without getting drunk or stoned he's just tooooo immature to understand that.

DTT before your DC grow up thinking that taking drugs on a regular basis is what 'grown up, responsible parents do.

zippey Fri 08-Mar-13 13:56:38

You need him to stop smoking weed, that is the crux of your problems. I dont know if you say if he works or not, but If he seems like a good enough guy, Id still give him another chance - basically make it an ultimatum between the weed or yourself. Like any addiction he might need help to get off, but if you love him enough, you will help him. If you dont think he is worth it then you are best to get rid.

AThingInYourLife Fri 08-Mar-13 13:27:47

Of course she is.

I was just responding to a pp who seemed to think the fact that it was spliffs rather than wine that mattered.

Getting stoned every day means he is a bad partner, but it also means he is a terrible parent to a young baby.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 08-Mar-13 12:47:36

And those people defending the behaviour would be as wrong-headead as the subject of this thread, surely? Truth is that it doesn't actually matter whether he's smoking weed, drinking wine, downloading porn, electrocuting slugs or knitting socks in his shed every night. If it means he's falling short as a partner, the OP is quite entitled to be pissed off about it.

AThingInYourLife Fri 08-Mar-13 12:15:25

Yes, they do have an alcohol problem.

But one that plenty of people will defend as normal drinking and perfectly harmless.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 08-Mar-13 08:39:58

"As long as polishing off an entire bottle of wine every night is socially acceptable ...."

Err.... it isn't. hmm People who do that generally have an alcohol problem

SummerDad Thu 07-Mar-13 22:13:35

sorry i think xposted with another poster smile

SummerDad Thu 07-Mar-13 22:12:29

May be I am too old or perhaps I am missing something. Some of the posters are discussing about weed as if they are talking about a regular fag. Is it really not a big deal these days, I need to sort out myself I guess. Gosh, getting old sucks grin sorry for the digression and a bit of hijacking your thread.

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Mar-13 16:44:36

"He rationalizes it by saying he could go out every weekend and get plastered"

He's a father now.

So if he wasn't an immature dick he would not be out getting plastered every weekend.

That's not what good parents of babies do any more than they get stoned every night.

He needs to grow the fuck up.

"a few posters are chatting about weed like its a regular fag or having a glass of wine!"

It is.

"Would a line of coke be ok?"

Taking coke is more like boozing than getting stoned.

As long as polishing off an entire bottle of wine every night is socially acceptable I'm not going to frown on regular cannibis use.

NippyDrips Thu 07-Mar-13 15:35:07

Thanks for all the support. I know what you have all said is right and its time to face it.

I am returning from mat leave in a few weeks so will do something about it when I am finacially stable again. Even his mum said to me that sooner or later I will be a single mum because he loves his drugs more than anything.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Thu 07-Mar-13 14:39:22

Nippy you and your dc are worth 1000 times more than this man is giving you.

He rationalizes it by saying he could go out every weekend and get plastered but he doesn't - what an arsehole.

You only have one life, don't live it with a drug addict.

carmenelectra Thu 07-Mar-13 14:32:06

Am I an old fart or summat. Only I'm a bit surprised a few posters are chatting about weed like its a regular fag or having a glass of wine! Would a line of coke be ok?
In fact, I'd rather be with someone who occasionally went on a night out and had coke than a pot head.

Anyone I've ever met who smokes spliffs regularly has always come across as a dope and a loser. I knew a girl from college who smoked it all the time with her partner. Both looked like a pair of dossers, and while nice enough were never 'with it'.

A partner disappearing to the shed to get stoned would only be accecptable if I was about 17.

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