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Fantastic date, but.....aibu?(81 Posts)
Just had date 2 with a gorgeous guy who ticks all the boxes, except.....
date 1 - went for drinks, he bought first round, I bought second - ok with that although most guys recently bought all the drinks
date 2 - went for dinner (his suggestion) bill came, I offered to pay half, he accepted with no hesitation. AIBU to be a little surprised by this?
Gosh. I'm sure I'm older than a lot of you on here, but I cannot believe the old-fashioned views that are being expressed. So the man asks you on a date and he has to pay everything? So, you are all so equal that you ask men on dates now 50% of the time?
Why should the man pay everything. Surely it should be half and half. DH and I married 2o years ago and when we first started dating, on the first few dates, we shared the cost and after that, he paid then I paid. Now, as we're married, it's all one big pot.
I have two DSs and I despair of some females nowadays. It's the same attitude that says that schoolgirls may hit boys, but they may not hit them back as they would be called women beaters. It's a disgraceful attitude.
Surely, if we want to be equal, then everything should be equal. No one should hit anyone else and payment for dates should be shared.
So, in response, OP, it's no red flag. You should have offered and yes, he should have accepted.
Common sense says "why shouldn't you pay half " but I think it's lovely to be taken on a date and have dinner bought for you - its makes you feel its a bit special and the guy is trying to impress you ... BUT... as previous posters have said, once the first couple of dates are out of the way its 50/50 alll the way...
Wow deedotty, that is a long and heated response to my pithy observations...I think I'll just carefully back away from the ranty person on the thread....
cherriesarelovely Trust me, you don't need to be gay to think this is sexist and archaic!
Everyone, male or female, friends or lovers, should be sensitive to other people's ability to pay but to expect the man to pay for you - to be honest I had no idea anyone still subscribed to that idea in 2013.
I do think its not a gender/feminism/man-woman issue but just a general etiquette, if you're in a situation with different income levels, think ahead and check that the poorest person can afford the option one?
Seen this a few times in non-dating situations, and for me, it always reflects badly on the organiser.
Someone I knew in sixth form - for 18th SHE wanted a party abroad and then everyone was fretting about getting a few hundred quid for tickets or being left out (we're talking A level students at an average school). We paid for something we didn't want in the first place - all would've been happy with a night down the local dive pub and chipping in for a cake!
Or night out in London - bankers on the same night out as student types. Bankers lead everyone into a situation where they get a long cab journey, extend somewhere REALLY expensive, order bottles for the table, and then all the students are going erm, err, yeah sure Ive got money no problem .
No-one wants to be that twat who makes a scene when the bill comes, BUT it is bad form when richer members in a social situation are thoughtless and expect everyone to rise to their level. Especially where people don't know each other that well so aren't comfortable with saying they're skint or whatever?
@Ithaka Thanks for your comment, Im fairly content with myself and my emotions and my dating adventures and choices, and INCREDIBLY certain I wouldnt fancy you or yours or want to take any lessons from the way you "deal" with life and your relationships
Its the fucking Internet, were all anonymous names on a screen - the point for me is sharing my past and present experiences/feelings as openly and honestly as possible, not creating some perfect image of myself!
Im fine IRL - even when I'm down - I have no need to create an online persona to prove to random people on the Internet Im better/happier/more sorted than them.
If YOU have to log on just to be angry at strangers, then maybe you should spend time working on yourself and your Real Life as you are really reeking of projecting your own bitterness from something?
So, were pretty much evens in our opinions of each other I'd say I've DEFINITELY seen a social Red Flag for you Oh - this is my last comment to you, as I don't really fancy a tit-for-tat with some random angry. Ta ta.
If you met a woman you would like to get to know better as a friend and invited her to coffee one day would you expect to pay for her? After all, you have arranged the date and invited her. if someone tried to do that i would see them as desperate, not chivalrous
FWIW OP I wouldn't have offered. But if I liked him I would have suggested a second date and made it clear that it'd be on me.
You offered so I don't see why you're ing. If you don't want to pay half, don't offer to pay half!
Personally I think whoever suggests/plans the date should pay. DP's self-employed so goes through different periods of prosperity or lack of. If I want to go out for a date and suggest it, I'd pay. If he does, he pays. Paying half removes the exciting treat element and means you're paying for something you might not be keen on or be able to afford.
This actually scares me, I guess I wouldn't be cut out for online dating! The thought of sitting having a romantic, paid for dinner with someone I'd met once before would make me run for the hills. Its all just so contrived. Surely the first few dates are about getting to know each other. I prefer to consider myself an equal.
Does this not only restrict women to dating men who are richer than themselves? I cannot see how it works with women who are in well paid jobs, unless they like someone to take control in a very contrived way, and make a point of being a very feminine female. How does it work when the couple earn the same, is the man always expected to pay and just cover it financially? Does this attitude of the man paying extend to the woman having to also take the traditional roles of doing most of the cooking and cleaning, despite what she earns as well?
I like it if the man offers to pay for dinner the first time; I always offer to pay my share and willingly do so if it's accepted, but the date would get brownie points from me for being chivalrous.
Halves from then on though...
DP pays more often than me for 'dates' but then he spends a lot of time at my house and I cook dinner a couple of times a week and get the wine in etc. He's generous and so am I so it works well for us
I like the idea of being an equal, so pay an equal share of the bill.
I don't think anyone would expect to be paid for every time they went out but for a first date when someone has asked you if you would go out for dinner or drinks with them, to somewhere of their choosing then I don't think its unreasonable to expect them to offer to pay
I can't stand meanness either by the way.
Strange!!!! I find it really odd that people are still in this "the man ought to pay" time warp!! I am actually gay so maybe not the most informed person on this subject but I think it is so sexist. Paying your way is how it ought to be unless someone has explicitly said it is their treat. Many years ago I did date a man who was a total skinflint and would do anything to avoid paying, I was always the one footing the bill. That's not right and clearly if someone is hugely well off and the other person isn't then you might expect them to be sensitive and either make fair choices about where to eat or to pay but not just because they were a man. I would feel so patronised if a man or indeed a woman insisted on paying for me each time we went out. It is archaic.
I think if someone asks you out on a date then really they should offer to pay. Even if I wanted to pay halves I would expect the offer and would prob not date them again if they didn't, it smacks of meanness and a lack of generosity which is something I just can't stand. Meanness with money usually indicates a meanness in every other area of their lives.
However if its internet dating where the men/women are likely to be going on series of dates then I think this changes it a bit and I would expect to pay half
This sounds really old fashioned to me, but I must admit my experience of dating is different - I've barely done online dating (round here first online date seems to be an "interview" based around both of you buying your own coffee) and I've only ever dated men who are at the same stage in life as myself. ie university boyfriends, graduate type job boyfriends, professional boyfriends. DH fell into the latter category. First date was cinema, I honestly can't remember who paid what, second date was a meal and again I can't remember.
I think me and my friends must be odd, because we'd all feel really uncomfortable dating a sort of rich older man who is expected to pay for dinner. As one of my friends said when one of these types was trying to persuade her to go on a date with him with the line that he would pay for her dinner - "I can afford to pay for my own dinner". I feel fine with a man I know well treating me, but a total stranger - bit of a power game going on there, and kind of annoying to me.
I was a bit put out when my now DP didn't offer to pay on date two as I thought it meant he wasn't interested/could potentially be a bit tight.
But I re-examined my beliefs and realised that I had found someone who is interested in a 'team' type of equal relationship - something that had been missing from my previous relationships.
Three years on, we have a great, equal relationship, similar attitudes towards money - and he has generously treated me on special occasions - as I do him.
It is some time since I dated (about 20 years), but we went halves back then. Either 50% or once things got going, I bought one round, he bought the next. And one meal would be mine, and the next his....and 20 years on, we earn roughly the same, and we still go approximate halves.
My apologies OP and garlic, I misread.
I still stick to my opinion that there should be no expectation that someone should buy the dinner just because he's got a penis and you don't.
Perhaps he intended to pay for it all, but when you offered to go halves, didn't want to offend you by insisting he paid it all?
I would ignore it and make plans for date 3 - enjoy!
I would expect to pay halves and would be suspicious of a man who didn't expect me to pay. It would feel very old fashioned and like he was trying to buy me. I'd run a mile from that tbh.
At what number date is he allowed to stop paying for everything then? Or as hes such a gent should he just always pay for everything? If he was a single parent or a student is it ok to split the bill or is it only if hes got money that hes unreasonable for expecting someone to pay their way? personally i would rather start as i mean to go on
The feminism comment wasnt really aimed at the op as such, more the responses she has recieved from dome other posters
I'd always expect and offer to pay my way.
My ex (who was a lovely and sweet man) somehow got me to pay for him on our first date! I was a bit taken aback, the date hadn't actually gone that well and I was very surprised to find myself agreeing to see him again. I think he was having a bit of fun with me as he'd been trying to speak to me for ages and I'd kept ignoring him.
I think until you know someone quite well, you should always pay your way to avoid any confusion. If it's suggested to go somewhere that's out of your budget, then suggest something else.
She said she's a hard-up parent. Her date, she said, is clearly not hard up at all.
Theend, I think you have to learn to say "I can't afford that, shall we just get chips?" It is a bit off to accept an invitation on the assumption it's a free gift - how would you feel if a friend did it to you?
Why does feminism mean the woman gets a big bill?
OP, I'm with you. It's unromantic at best, slightly entitled at worst, to ask someone out to your choice of nitespot and then charge them. The man might be ok, but if you sniff tightwad, I'd slip away.
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