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Hard times

(30 Posts)
mummytasha11 Tue 05-Mar-13 10:12:47

Hi everyone

Needed to vent.

Relationship ended after 9 years on Saturday..we have a 2 year old ds and we were due to get married in August. I went and picked my wedding dress 2 weeks ago and thought everything was wonderful in our life.

Turns out he thinks he is missing something in life and feels awkward being at home ( he works away mon/fri)

He moved his stuff out on Saturday and we have hardly spoke since. He cannot give any reasons and says he still loves me and always will.

I'm so confused and heartbroken i don't know how to go on...

Poor ds knows something is up and im struggling to carry on at the minute.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Mar-13 10:19:02

Sorry you've had such a nasty shock. Sadly, when people cut and run on what seem like perfectly nice relationships for vague reasons like 'something missing' there is quite often someone else at the heart of it. So be prepared for more surprises, won't you?

How to go on from here will take a lot of time and RL support. You need to look after yourself and your DS first and foremost. Keep body and soul together best you can. Do your friends and family know the score? Have you got people you can be with?

mummytasha11 Tue 05-Mar-13 10:32:18

A few people know and have been very supportive. Worse part is knowing that its over for good. He done exactly the same thing when I was pregnant with ds but we worked through it. I always said I would give a second chance but never again there is no way back

I just feel so empty and lost.
My parents think I should just try get on with life but I can't...even getting out of bed is a struggle and facing everyone in work is so hard.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Mar-13 10:38:35

No, there's definitely no way back from this. Empty and lost is par for the course, unfortunately. Your parents are actually right to say 'get on with life' but I know from experience that, when this happens, you can only do it at your own speed. What I would say is that you will have some days better than others. So make the most of the good days to do something constructive or fun and then take care of yourself on the bad days when you don't want to get out of bed. Work is really useful even if you are feeling terrible. Having something else to think about for a few hours makes it less easy to mull over your problems. And colleagues are often very sympathetic ... you don't have to spill your guts, obviously.

akaemmafrost Tue 05-Mar-13 10:57:56

Do you think it's possible there is someone else? Thing is when someone goes for wooly reasons like he has given you it's difficult to move forward as its constant wondering and hoping that he will "realise" he does love you after all.

It's rubbish, absolute rubbish what you are feeling but it WILL pass I promise you it will.

mummytasha11 Tue 05-Mar-13 14:32:11

No I don't think there is anyone else's he hasn't really got the time/option to do that at the moment however I don't doubt that maybe he wants to if you know what I mean...

It was a perfect relationship with so many happy times we never argued we did what we wanted still kept our own social lives, etc.

Just seems like it hasn't really happened but I know it has.

I know I'll never be happy with someone else the way I am with him and he also said the same.

Just so confused...

hellsbellsmelons Tue 05-Mar-13 14:43:59

I feel for you - it's not good when things end, especially with no 'real' reason so you will find it hard to get 'closure'
I know I'll never be happy with someone else the way I am with him
That is how it feels right now. It's only just ended so you need time to grieve for the lost relationship.
But believe me and lot of other people on here when we say - you don't 'know' this. You will find someone else when you are ready and they may be your perfect partner.
Give yourself time and don't expect everything to be OK quickly.
Hugs for you!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Mar-13 14:57:51

"he also said the same"

If you're confused it's because he's behaving very cruelly indeed. On the one hand selfishly walking out on your relationship, your upcoming marriage and your DS. On the other giving you very little by way of concrete reason for doing so and screwing with your head into the bargain by saying 'I'll never be happy with anyone else'. Total contradiction.

I know you don't think there could be someone else but it's so common for a cheating partner to blame 'something missing' and express continued love (but it's never the 'right kind of love' or some other rubbish) whilst slipping between the sheets with your replacement that it's almost a clichee.

You will feel happy again one day.... some rocky times before you get there, unfortunately... and it won't be a partner that provides that happiness. It'll be confidence in yourself.

mummytasha11 Tue 05-Mar-13 15:01:12

I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare and everything be okay again...even my ds is sensing something is wrong and he's only 2.
It doesn't feel like its actually happening to me.

I don't know anything else we have been together since school.

I can't understand why he is doing this to me and more importantly to ds sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Mar-13 15:15:04

It's selfishiness. He's behaving supremely selfishly and dishonestly. You think you know someone, you've been with them a long time, you think they care about you and then you find out that they're only interested in #1 and can walk away without a backward glance. He's not 'doing this to you' in an active sense ... you're just collateral damage for what he wants to do for himself. You're just the fall-out... the broken eggs required to make the omelette

It's the most depressing experience that not only rips the heart right out of you it also shakes your faith in your own judgement. You sit there wondering how in the hell you missed the signs or even were there any signs in the first place. Endless questions.

Which is why - monstrously difficult though it is - you have to tear yourself away from going over and over those questions and find something else to think about and other stuff to do. You will discover what all of this is about in due course and, as I said earlier, be prepared that there is someone else after all. You'd be amazed how easy it is to engage in a new relationship even when your family think you don't have the time.

mummytasha11 Tue 05-Mar-13 15:44:42

I am questioning myself over and over again. He has text me asking if I'm okay and is ds okay?

I don't have an answer for him. Ds will always be okay but I am obviously not and won't be for a long time.

Just wish there was a reason why...when people are asking how wedding planning is coming on? I have to say its cancelled and they ask why and I don't have an explanation not even for myself.

I just can't believe he let me go and pick and put a deposit down on the dress of my dreams if he wasn't 100% committed

All I ever wanted was for us to be a family for my little boy to have a mum and a dad now I feel like a failure

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Mar-13 16:13:02

First thing is that you're not a failure. Everything that is happening at the moment is because of his actions, not yours. Your little boy still has a Mum and a Dad but you just live under different roofs. You and your DS are still a perfectly normal and complete family. Your ex hasn't told you the reason why he's gone yet because he's a coward. Only a cowardly shit of a man would let you bear them a child, propose marriage and put down dress deposits when they knew they had no intention of committing.... and then not give you a proper explanation for ruining your life.

Don't reply to his texts because all they're doing is salving his conscience. He can say to himself 'I'm a decent guy really. See how I keep in touch with my ex. See how I appear to care'. Keep any communication to the purely factual and take the lead rather than simply respond. e.g. "You're seeing DS on X date at Y time... don't be late"

With friends all you can do is tell them the truth .. ie. he's a shit and he's walked out on you.

mummytasha11 Tue 05-Mar-13 17:29:31

Yeah I think I need to stop being nice and caring for how he is feeling through all this as he is the one who caused all this.
I need to focus on ds and throw myself into work and friends

I think weekends will be the hardest as that's when he is usually home.

Maybe no contact would be best for a little while.. I cannot deal with daily texts at the moment because it makes me think there is a glimmer of hope which obviously there isn't.

pinkpaws Tue 05-Mar-13 17:52:37

Hi I am sorry to hear how hard things are at the moment. However you said your self he has done this in the past . It sounds like he never really came to terms with the whole family life thing and his job taking him away from you all week only make him more removed from you and your DS . As hard as it is right now it will get better and the next wedding dress you buy will be the right one with the right guy good luck .

newbiefrugalgal Tue 05-Mar-13 19:11:00


He is a shit and sorry to hear you are going through this.

It would be harder if he have you reason to hate him (actually its not) its hard, it's going to be hard but you will be ok.
Ignore his texts and ask him to stop sending them.

mantlepiece Tue 05-Mar-13 20:01:37

So sorry that you were arranging your wedding and this happened.

I think from your saying you have been together since school, you are quite a young couple, so is probably first love for you both, which makes it harder.

I think you have probably grown up and apart during your relationship, but are maybe both clinging on because it is all you have known.

I think your DP is probably feeling a lot of guilt at the moment, not least because you have a baby together. For what it is worth I agree with you, I don't think it is because he is having an affair.

I also think you are right in saying that you need to cut contact for a while, to concentrate on you and your feelings and not let his guilt muddy the waters.

As always I hope you have good friends and family to support you through this, accept all help and if you feel you are really not coping with the emotional turmoil see your GP too.

PattyPenguin Tue 05-Mar-13 20:32:19

So sorry about your situation, mummytasha. How do you get on with your boss/es at work? If you haven't already told him/her/them, and you get on alright, it might be an idea to do so. You could say that you're going to do your damnedest not to let this affect your work, but it's possible there may be slight slips now and then. When I was in a similar situation, though with no children, there were indeed some errors made at work, but my boss and colleagues glossed them over / covered for me, because they knew what had happened - and it was obvious that I was in a state. They didn't have to do it for too long, because I did start getting back to something like normal - and so will you, with time.

And I'm afraid that if he works away Monday to Friday, that may be when he's met someone else.

mummytasha11 Tue 05-Mar-13 21:28:12

I have told a few people in work and it has helped. My boss has been very good as she's more like a friend anyway which is good.

I think that mantle is right. It is all we have ever known to be together we are each others first loves but suppose we just weren't meant to have a happy ending.

I know I'll be okay eventually just wish it didn't have to be this way.

mummytasha11 Tue 05-Mar-13 21:29:59

I think he does feel guilty and probably will for a long time but I think cutting contact is the only way I can try and deal with it.

rightchoice2 Tue 05-Mar-13 21:47:18

I wanted to add my support to you. This is so tough for you. He has been very selfish and cowardly not to tell you how he has been feeling. Don't waste another moment worrying about how he is feeling right now, you have enough on your plate, and expect your emotion to come in waves, you are in shock.

It will take a while to sink in, but remember, you got through this before when he left you when pregnant, and you can get through this. You can.

Remember, he has been planning this for some while no doubt. You have to have time to catch up and get on the same page as him. Don't give him any reassurance just to make him feel better. He didn't care about you and his son when he walked out on you.

Concentrate on you and your little one. It will be difficult to work out what he means by ... something missing... as he is probably lying and creating a convenient smoke screen for you. Be kind to yourself right now.

badinage Wed 06-Mar-13 00:17:50

This is why I think people are such cruel shits for not being honest about why they are leaving a relationship. You might not think he has the time or the options, but I'd just bet there's someone else in the background here, as there was when he did this before.

The reason he's still texting is because he probably wants you to be the fallback kid if it all goes belly up with his latest squeeze. If he 'came back to you' last time this happened, chances are he got dumped or the other fling fizzled out, so he knows what could happen this time so he doesn't want to queer his pitch too much.

The best way of dealing with this is to tell him there's no way back now and it's over. Then get on with your life, get your trusted allies around you and start cancelling the wedding arrangements together. Have no contact with him apart from his arrangements to see your child and make sure he does his fair share of the childcare outside of your home.

Be prepared for him to want to come back when the new thing turns sour, or for him to come back and carry on two relationships simultaneously. Say no.

badinage Wed 06-Mar-13 00:21:13

And sorry my love, if he works away from home Mon-Fri, then of course he's had the opportunity to meet someone else.

mummytasha11 Wed 06-Mar-13 10:07:08

Thanks everybody for all your support and kind words

I know I'll come out the other side

ribeno Wed 06-Mar-13 16:17:24

just wanted to see how you were mummytasha.

mummytasha11 Sat 09-Mar-13 11:59:06

Weekends are hard as he would usually be home. Everyone else is spending it with their families just feel a bit lost.

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