Can I bear another 20yrs living as 'best friends'?

[eyeeyecaptain]

Trying to keep this brief. Am going 38, 2 primary age kids, been with dh 15yrs.
He is wonderful, does everything around house, loads for kids, works v hard and will do anything for me. I feel very loved and cared for .
We have lots of friends and fantastic close extended family - lots to be grateful for.

However we have massive money problems that feel endless. We also have no sex life or intimacy. I have a high sex drive and crave physical affection. Dh has a non existent sex drive and while he's happy for me to give him a hug he never instigates one. No passionate kisses but lots of loving pecks when leaving for work etc.

I can't bear the thought of living without adult affection for next 20yrs. I want a man who will kiss me and cuddle me and make me feel desired. I feel loved but not desired.

We have rowed and discussed and tried everything to sort our sex life out and I have now come to the conclusion that it is irretrievable. The arguments and dissecting it has just hurt us both too much.

I can't bear the thought of carrying on like this but soooo much to throw away when so much of it is good. I love my husband like family but think the sex and money issues have just worn me out.

I don't know what I am asking, suppose I just want opinions on my situation. I am going crazy thinking about it.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Re money problems, you mean debt?. What have you both tried to sort this problem out to date?.

When did his problems with his lack of sex drive start and has he actually been at all proactive in finding out why this has happened?. Could there be a medical reason behind all this?. What have you both done to try and resolve this or is he at heart really not interested in trying to solve such an issue?.

It takes two to make a marriage work and it sounds like you've reached the end of the road. If this is the case, then it is better to be apart and happier now rather than be together and miserable for the next x number of years. Also your children won't thank you for staying together if you are both so very miserable at each other deep down; they will wonder of you why you put their dad before them.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here?. Is this really the role model you would want for them to emulate, after all they are learning from the two of you as to how relationships are conducted.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Yes, YOU!.

You write that you feel very loved and cared for (though probably and solely in a material sense only) but on the other hand you're also writing that you cannot bear to live without adult affection for the next 20 years. Is so much of your marriage really that good when there are these two major issues within it?.

What does he say when you talk to him?. Or are these the elephants in the room?.

One day too, your children will leave home and it will then be just you two. What then?.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I can't bear the thought of carrying on like this but soooo much to throw away when so much of it is good."

'Good' is in the eye of the beholder and saying that you have a good marriage apart from the total absence of physical intimacy is something of an oxymoron. Sex is often portrayed as something trivial or frivolous. Women are often made to feel selfish or abnormal if they acknowledge they need more than just companionship. Quite wrong.

Throwing away implies something fairly casual.... when it sounds like a lot of effort has gone into fix this very important aspect of the marriage but has failed. So it wouldn't be throwing anything away, you'd be parting after very careful consideration.

You only get one shot at life and there's no point in wasting it being miserable but hoping for something that is clearly never going to happen. If you split, on the other hand, I'm sure you'd be able to manage it very amicably and maturely.... and have another shot at finding happiness.

[badinage]

The thing about sex is that when it's there it shouldn't define the relationship, but when it's not it does. Because without sex and desire, the relationship becomes one that fails to distinguish itself from co-parents, flatmates and friends.

Have you ever got the bottom of what the issues are? Is your husband asexual? Does he masturbate? Is his sex drive stimulated by other people? Is it psychological, medical or both?

Ultimately, does he intend to do anything to resolve the issue and if not, what is his expectation of you in the marriage?

It's possible that if you told him you're considering ending the marriage, he would make a decision himself about what he wants to do and then you'd have some clearer choices. However, if that's ending the marriage, don't feel any guilt about that because no sex is a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship that is meant to be sexual.

[Skinnywhippet]

Is he worried about ed? What happens when you instigate sex? Try tonight.....give him an handjob and see what happens. If he is worried about ed and the financial problems are causing stress then maybe you could try something to help..eg Viagra/levistra/cialis etc. if he won't talk to his GP then you can get an online prescription. Sex is so important, but you should be able to overcome this. Overcoming this has to be a better option than disolving all that you have. Stay strong.

[MrsJackAubrey]

In my late 30s with two kids and a-sexual partner I felt just like OP. had a few flings using helpful discrete websites. Did the job in terms of excitement passion and feeling desired. DP didn't even notice I'd waxed downstairs, how much notice he took. I assumed he knew but he didn't and out it all came.... Almost split up. He promised to change. I promised to not play around. Didn't split up Solely due to being unable to turn my kids lives upside down, could not do it to them. 10 yrs later still no sex, but I do not care, I love the fact we are together, that we know each other so well, that we are a strong loving family and my kids now 15 are stable, and doing well all round. I look at friends who did split up and 10 years on they are some of them still not happy, kids are messed up, schooling buggered, and for me I have no doubt it was the right thing to stay. I do only have one go at life, but when I had my kids in my view my life temporarily takes a back seat to theirs. I have a duty and obligation to respect their emotional life. And that for me is more important now, than sex. But I don't think I have a particularly strong sex drive and it may well be more of a deal breaker for some women, when their DP isn't sexual in the way they kind of signed up for when they for together.

[Darkesteyes]

So mrs aubrey you almost split up when he found out. So hes basically from the "i dont want you but i dont want anyone else to have you" school! Bit controlling IMO.
And you kept your promise. But he hasnt kept his.

[MrsJackAubrey]

Darkesteyes, shit I hadn't thought of it that way! Arrrrrgh. Yes maybe in that way he is controlling will have to think about it. But totally not so in any other way, he is " on my side" and I do exactly what I want in every other respect.

[Darkesteyes]

Mrs aubrey ive been through exactly the same thing as you (only i dont have children) DH hasnt touched me for 17 years. 10 yrs ago i had a 4 and a half year affair. if you put my username in the search engine you will prob be able to find my back threads.

[eyeeyecaptain]

Mrs Aubrey, thanks for your post , v interesting that you have stayed and feel it was the right thing.

[eyeeyecaptain]

Mrs aubrey, how did you or what made you stop seeing other people?