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(69 Posts)
nicecupotea Sun 03-Mar-13 21:57:02

I need some advice [well support really if I'm honest]
My husband is effectively bankrupt. Mostly due to gambling and some serious spending. We have come very close to losing our home a couple of times.I have stuck it out for a good few years now and we have managed to keep our home. My husband has been unemployed for a couple of years now and there isn't much chance of him getting a job because of his age.I am self employed and work long hours. I am tired and stressed and extremely resentful.
When he initially told me about his gambling debts he said he would do everything in his power to make it up to me. He hasn't.
Instead he has moaned, sulked and generally been an arrogant swine for years. I am sick of it.
We had a row [one of many] today about teabags. He had yet again bought the most expensive brand when we agreed in Jan to cut our food spending.
He says he understands how much pressure I'm under and worries about me but when it comes to spending he just seems to think there is an unlimited pot. I am at my wits end. He behaves like a 4yr old,
Our marriage is a sham, we argue all the time. I dislike him. I cannot remember the last time we had sex.
I simply don't know what to do anymore. I have shouted, begged, pleaded with him to support me more. But he doesn't seem able. I feel like I am his mum.
I don't know what to do. I have a 15 yr old son. He is v. bright and doing amazingly well at school. He has spent all day in his room. It makes me sad. I
can't do this anymore.
My husband told me a few months ago that he admits he has got complacent as I have been 'so strong' and 'made things ok and safe.' My answer was: 'Who makes it safe for me?'

ReturnOfEmeraldGreen Sun 03-Mar-13 22:16:43

Sorry to hear you are in this situation. Have you sought any support for yourself? Gamcare I believe support addicts' families. Correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like you are managing the mortgage & bills alone already - if you feel you have run out of reasons to stay together then you should get some legal advice re: divorce.

izzyizin Sun 03-Mar-13 22:21:48

Your h's unreasonable behaviour has given you more than sufficient grounds to divorce him.

Is there any reason why you are reluctant to take this step and thus secure your home and make it fit for your ds to move around freely instead of having to skulk in his room because, yet again, his dps are at loggerheads?

dothraki Sun 03-Mar-13 22:26:27

nice - we both know you don't need advice just support.
I'm here.

nicecupotea Sun 03-Mar-13 22:30:28

Return, I think I may have 'run out of reasons.'
I think the situation is really affecting my son now.
I think I am loathe to finish this nonsense once and for all because I am scared. I don't have any family or any real support.
I just wish my husband would get some help. some real help.
He went to a counsellor but said he 'didn't get anything out of it.' I'm guessing he wasn't honest. I told him if you can't be honest with yourself, how can you possibly expect anyone to help?

nicecupotea Sun 03-Mar-13 22:33:10

dothraki, that means the world. Thankyou. The tears are coming now. The fact that I've just written it down is helpful in itself.
I wear a mask. No-one knows. I've been carrying this around for a very long time.

tribpot Sun 03-Mar-13 22:39:52

I can't see how your life (and your ds') couldn't be better if you ended this.

ObscuredByClouds Sun 03-Mar-13 22:53:55

nice is he still gambling?

I feel for you. You must feel so uncertain of things. Also, he really could try to fix things between you - at least by giving counselling a really good try. Did he want to go to counselling or did he do it 'out of duty'?


nicecupotea Sun 03-Mar-13 23:02:47

He tells me he isn't gambling. He hasn't got any money so nothing to gamble with! I found out today though that he is still looking at gambling websites. That makes me sad too.
I hold the purse strings. He says it's the way I like it so I can control him. It simply isn't the case. If he was in charge of paying the bills, I dread to think where we'd be now.
He knows that in his heart. Yet still claims when he is angry that he is 'good with money' and that I just want to control him!
No, I say. I would prefer a husband who has a job, puts a bit away for the future and works with me to support our little family.
Sadly, I don't think I will ever have that.

ObscuredByClouds Sun 03-Mar-13 23:12:00

Are you sure he has no money? If he was able to buy tea then he must have. Gamblers rarely stop gambling unless they face it head on, find the strength on their own or get help x

tribpot Mon 04-Mar-13 07:11:44

Sadly, I don't think I will ever have that.

You might have it one day. But it won't be with this guy.

I will say again: I can't see how your life (and your ds') couldn't be better if you ended this.

dothraki Mon 04-Mar-13 07:24:53

He is trying to maake you feel guilty. Thats dreadful. All of this is his fault, he is the one who is throwing your marriage away. I am probably not the right person to be talking to - as I really don't understand gambling, I have never even bought a lottery ticket. It would totally destroy me to see things I'd worked hard for - to be lost on a whim.

nicecupotea Mon 04-Mar-13 09:42:52

He has also told me that most wives 'wouldn't have a problem.' And that it's because I am 'mental.' that I find the situation difficult. I have no support. I am carrying this by myself. He told me this morning that I need to do something about my behaviour! In fact he will say anything, to justify himself. anything so that he doesn't have to acknowledge his behaviour.
It has dawned on me that all the time I have been struggling to pay bills, he has carried on expecting M and S clothes and branded food etc. Wouldn't go to Primarni. Wouldn't even consider it.
I have re-read what I have written last night. Seeing it in black and white brings it home. Perhaps I am in denial too?
We have a secured loan on our house. I have sweated my backside off to pay it. It is almost payed. I have told him this morning he is on his last chance. Doesn't matter what I say, I can threaten to leave him, spend the weekends walking the streets. Nothing seems to register.
I have told myself I will wait a couple of yrs until my son goes to college. Not sure I can wait though.
I hurt.

nicecupotea Mon 04-Mar-13 09:44:27

He only has money when I give it to him. I gave him money to do the food shopping. I think he has a large overdraft, not that he'd admit it.

Samu2 Mon 04-Mar-13 09:50:28

Hi, OP.

I grew up with a gambling addict and then I married one! (I was young, didn't realise how addicted he was) It was one of the biggest factors in our divorce, the lies, the loss of money was just more than I could cope with in the end. After we divorced I found that he taken out loan after loan to support his addiction. I bet you anything your husband is still gambling, it's not something someone can just give up easily if they were a serious gambling addict.

I think you know you what you need to do so I hope you can find the strength soon. You deserve so much more! Much love and strength to you smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 04-Mar-13 09:58:05

"He has also told me that most wives 'wouldn't have a problem.' And that it's because I am 'mental.' that I find the situation difficult."

So it's your fault.... ? hmm I can't abide addicts. Alcoholics, drug-users, gamblers... they're all the bloody same. Not content with plunging themselves and their family into various depths of shit, not content with lying about their behaviour, they refuse to accept responsibility, cast around for someone else to blame and do nothing whatsoever to address their selfishness. They manipulate the decent, kind people they choose for partners into feeling responsible for them by playing the guilt card for all it's worth.

I think you've realised you've given him far too many 'last chances' and should cut this man adrift now. Even if you're not 100% sure that separation/divorce is the way forward it may help you to do some groundwork by seeing a solicitor or CAB and understanding what your rights and responsibilities should that happen.

Good luck

dothraki Mon 04-Mar-13 11:24:05

Totally agree with Cogito - how will staying help ? Please go to CAB as soon as you can. I expect you house will have been remortgaged, maybe more than once. I'd also be checking with your mortagage provider. You need to find out what debts are in your name. Get legal advice.

Snorbs Mon 04-Mar-13 11:39:44

Doesn't matter what I say, I can threaten to leave him, spend the weekends walking the streets. Nothing seems to register.

He doesn't believe you're serious. He thinks he can carry on like this and you'll never leave. Sure you may get annoyed and upset with him every now and then but he can justify that to himself as you being "controlling" and "mental". He can just tell himself all the problems are your fault, not his, and he can carry on being a self-entitled cock-lodger. He can see himself as some poor misunderstood man with a nag for a wife.

The reason he doesn't believe you're serious is because despite all the chaos and drama he's caused, all the lies and damage he's wrought, you've stuck by him. You threaten to leave him but you don't. You walk the streets but you go back. That registers with him. That he remembers. You always go back. If you've put up with his bullshit for this long, why would he not think you'll carry on putting up with it forever?

This is your one shot at life. It's not a dress rehearsal, this is it. You are choosing to put up with this. You can't change him. You can change your own choices.

nicecupotea Mon 04-Mar-13 11:50:04

Snorbs, you are right. the tears are falling again. I tell him I can't cope, and then I cope.
I know he is able to 'sort it' in his head by blaming me. Everyone knows it is easier to blame. I trusted him at first. Thought he was committedto our little family.
I feel foolish. It is quite possible that I will go and stay in a hotel at the weekend. [I have threatened that many times too] I need some space.
When I tell him I can't cope, need support, need him to at least try and understand why his behaviour is so objectionable,he just laughs at me.
I tell him 'you listen, but you do not hear.'
I want to leave. The house has debts against it. I've always known that. I am self employed. I fear if I make a move my son and I will end up with nothing.
I'm scared.
You have no idea how good it is to share this, even with 'virtual friends.'

nicecupotea Mon 04-Mar-13 11:53:49

My son is extremely bright [the only thing I' ve ever done right] He is doing some gcse's early in the summer. I keep telling myself I must at least hang on until he has done his exams.
My son is the only reason I keep going. I am scared we will be left with nothing. No family, no friends [I have put up a huge wall. no-one knows] no job no house.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 04-Mar-13 11:56:01

"he just laughs at me."

He's taking the piss, isn't he? We can all be compassionate, give the benefit of the doubt, make allowances for the people we love.... but when they start laughing at you, they're just taking the piss.

In your shoes I would see a lawyer today, spend the weekend in a hotel and tell him to have his bags packed and be gone by the time you get back. I cannot see how getting shot of this sink-hole of a loser will mean you end up worse off, let alone with nothing. Debts can be managed, houses sold, benefits claimed .... it's all fixable. I think if he was out of your life you'd cope much better, you'd find the support and you'd be 10x more relaxed and confident.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 04-Mar-13 11:59:26

I don't think your son will thank you for staying with his gambling addicted father till his exams are done; there will be another reason at that time for you not to leave then.

Also staying within this for another two years is only guaranteed to bring you more anguish upon you and your child.

dothraki Mon 04-Mar-13 12:13:47

Nice - he has totaly demoralised you my son is the only thing I've done right you are self employed, paying all the bills, while he does what exactly ? Your son needs you - not that waster. Please make an appointment at CAB. Don't keep putting this off. It will be hard at first - but when you rediscover yourself you will be amazed at what you find.

Guiltypleasures001 Mon 04-Mar-13 12:43:59

Hi Nice

I am so sorry to hear what a crap time you are having..

Can I just ask when you say no friends no family, is that because there is no one or because you have not told anyone?

if its the latter then I think you might need to take your courage in hand and tell someone, pick the person you trust the most and go for it.

I know its a huge thing because right now you probably might see doing that as either embarrasing or your admitting to some sort of failure on your part.
Things that are kept as secrets exert a huge amount of control over you and take a mental and physical toll too. He probably knows this and is laughing behind your back, this giving him one last chance is a hiding to nothing to be honest. I would much rather you thought about an exit strategy for your son and you, I agree with the exam timeline for your son, and think that the time you have till then is best untilised in making a plan.

This way when your packed and off or whatever you have planned the look on his face will be a picture, he is counting on your never ending patience in the face of adversity to sit there and look smug. He isnt going to change lovey its you thats done all the changing, the next change needs to be the locks on the front door or similar.

good luck

nicecupotea Mon 04-Mar-13 17:49:03

It's a bit of both really. A few things that have happened over the years mean that I find it hard to trust. I trusted my husband. He came home one day, announced he had a truck load of debt and that he had lost his job. We had recently got married.
I asked him,'did you not think it would have been an idea to discuss the debt before we got married?' His answer: 'It wasn't any of your business.'
Last week he asked me for a small amount of money [which I would happily give him] I told him: Please try and take on board that I am working. I may have to go into town to get it. I need notice.
His reply: 'I put 700 pounds into your account last week.' I said: 'Yes, but that is accounted for, you have to understand that I juggle finances and try my best to keep an eye on what's coming out/what needs to be paid every day.' We argued and he basically told me that I am lying.
What I need here folks is some affirmation. I have been reading all your lovely replies [thankyou for taking the time] and it has made me feel better.
Sometimes I do think I am going nuts and that perhaps his behaviour is reasonable.
Yes, I have been a fool. I mean who marries someone without knowing their financial status? But I trusted.
I have told him that I cannot afford new clothes/ make-up.[I am not a woman that needs the latest fashions before you slate me] Again, I am told I am lying.
He is starting to mess with my head now.

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