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Not sure why this has upset me, should it have?

(14 Posts)
Colliemelon1 Sun 03-Mar-13 17:52:50

So basically I've always suspected that do is not over his ex wife/divorce. They were married 18 years and have been split for 3 and he's constantly analysing it, going on about it, talking about divorce in general and the effect it has had on his kids, how he feels like a failure etc. he's also always said that his ex is a spiteful controlling woman who goes out of her way to make life difficult for everyone.
Now he's just been to take his teenagers home after access weekend and she apparently was all smiles, told him she had heard he was about to introduce me to their kids and she was fine with it and was really happy for him and wished him all the best. She also added "it's nice when we are all open and honest isn't it because then we all know where we stand" - what did she mean by this?? To me it suggests she was still thinking they might get back together??

I said to do it was nice that she was being do reasonable and he almost seems disappointed! And he said "I don't believe for one minute this us the new her, I want to see her bring like this for months on end before I believe she really has changed" - to me this almost suggests he could see himself getting back with her if she has changed? This is the first proper conversation they have had in months so maybe I'm just feeling insecure that they are seeing each others 'good sides' again? Am I being paranoid?

Diagonally Sun 03-Mar-13 18:06:00

How long have you been together?

I'm 3 years post separation and I wouldn't dream of discussing / analysing my ex-H with a new partner, unless they specifically asked me something.

It's disrespectful and unecessary to keep bringing her into your relationship.

izzyizin Sun 03-Mar-13 18:08:20

To me it suggests that she most probably has a new man.

But why are you so paranoid? How long have you known him? Are you living together? Do you have dc?

BOF Sun 03-Mar-13 18:10:37

You do sound like you are reading way too much into it from what you've posted, yes.

WobblyHalo Sun 03-Mar-13 18:11:56

I think that he has some unresolved issues regarding his ex. Not necessarily that he wants to get back with her, but there are things he needs to come to terms with.

On the other hand, I also think that you're reading too much into it. Try to relax and give him (and her) the benefit of the doubt. (Unless there are other things you haven't shared, but from this post alone, I'd say you're being a little bit paranoid. Sorry.)

Needsomeperspective2 Sun 03-Mar-13 18:14:39

It sounds to me like the separation and divorce hurt him a lot, and maybe he needs help to deal with it. Was the separation instigated by her? A lot of men are so able oblivious to issues in their relationship that when the woman says its over they are genuinely shocked. The constant analysing could be his way of rationalising what was, to him, an irrational set of circumstances. I don't think what he's said means he wants to get back together with her. I think he's very bitter about her and can't believe she's being nice again as he sees her as inherently a bitch/mean etc. At 3 years post divorce tho I think he needs to realise he's not 'over it' and he either needs to deal with it and get on with his life in the present with you, or seek help to move forward. He can't keep living in the past, and neither can he expect you to do the same by going on and on about it. Time for him to shut up or get out IMO.

MajesticWhine Sun 03-Mar-13 18:17:40

Nothing he has said indicates that he wants to get back with her. He does sound like be needs to move on though. He is probably more comfortable with the "spiteful bitch" scenario, than with her being pleasant and reasonable. The extreme position is easier for him to deal with so that his feelings are not ambivalent.

Hissy Sun 03-Mar-13 18:17:52

He knows what she is like. If my Boyf's Ex was like this, tbh, I'd be wary. So would he be!

I think it's good that you are trying to help him take her at face value. It sounds like he has had a rough time, and men don't do talking to mates about stuff like this.

Has he had therapy? Does she have anger issues? Was she abusive or have borderline personality disorder or something? That can manifest in angry, controlling and fairly nasty treatment.

Let him talk, he sounds like he needs to, but make sure that you and he have a proper relationship together too, have fun, laugh, love etc. He sounds like he might not have healed from the divorce, but I can see clearly that he is NOT entertaining thoughts of reconciliation!

If he wants to be wary, he may be entitled to be. Let him take the lead, but try to offer an alternative view sometimes to see if he can challenge the immediate thoughts he has.

tumbletumble Sun 03-Mar-13 18:19:25

I wouldn't worry too much about the two sentences (his and hers) that you have quoted - they sound pretty innocuous to me. But his constant analysis and going on about it would really annoy me.

badinage Sun 03-Mar-13 18:21:25

Is this the poster who constantly starts threads about the same relationship and never comes back until the next name change and new thread?

This sounds very familiar and we must be up to about 100 threads now in about 4 months hmm

Hissy Sun 03-Mar-13 18:23:00

Very often these angry controlling exes can't BEAR to think that we HATE them, so they will re-write history, so that they can go around in their new lives telling everyone how they get on, and how our BF/GFs have new partners and they are so happy for them, and that they give their permission to be happy in a way.

The thought that someone remembers CLEARLY what these Exes did, irks them and they have to make sure that they have the appearance of normal.

My Ex can't bear that I won't see him, don't want anything to do with him etc, and I know my Boyf's Ex is forcing all kinds of stuff on him so that she can give the pretence of being happily divorced and healthy, when the reality of what they respectively did to us was beyond horrific. Unforgivable. Some of them don't deserve this Mirage.

Dryjuice25 Sun 03-Mar-13 18:23:16

Although he does go on about her inappropriately to you, she was a big part of him and this part of him will not just disappear. They also had kids together.

You sound so insecure, which might not be helped by the fact he seems to go on about his past life etc. But here is my question. Why are you so insecure? What is your past relationship history? Do you have trust issues?

To me she sounds like she is moving on and is accepting the situation as it is. Maybe she has started dating again. Your inferences/deductions about what she said sounds so far fetched to me. You seem to be over analysing this, unless of course you have reason to. Do you trust him? Why does what she say/do affect you? If this man really loves YOU, then you shouldn't be worrying about her. They are divorced and they will always have the kids as a link but hopefully for you, nothing else as you deserve to know where you stand too iyswim.

cluelesscleaner Sun 03-Mar-13 18:27:50

Yes, the same prolific poster who definitely won't be back to this thread.

AnyFucker Sun 03-Mar-13 18:53:48

You again ?

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