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I took my weddings rings off

(88 Posts)
M0naLisa Sun 03-Mar-13 12:55:50

DH and I rowed big style yesterday about money. He's stressed and frustrated he can't find work.
He shouted, I shouted and he pushed me onto the bed hard and then tried to strangle me.

The first time EVER sad
I toon my wedding rings off and packed a suit case.

We have spoken and put things aside he said he was moving out as he can't do that to me again. He's never done that to anyone and he wasnt starting now.

He doesn't work. Has applied for over 150+ jobs in 8 weeks and nothingconfused
Frustration having no money.

I have applied for a job, part time I don't have a car at the moment and would have to rely on buses or walk the 58 mins it would take me.

I have better qualifications than him. So applied for this part time job.

Ds3 is only 13 weeks and I'm fretting about leaving him. I go to baby groups and baby massage and I'd have to quit all that. And that's the only thing that is keeping my PND away, getting out the house with him :-(
Not ready to go back to work yet but I don't think I have any choice. I just wish DH would do more to get a job. Like go into actually agencies and request work. Round here you have to go into agencies daily to get a job. And he's not doing it. If they don't get him a job straight away he dumps that agency angry

I feel at a dead end and I should be enjoying our last baby sad

izzyizin Tue 05-Mar-13 02:55:58

On the basis of what the OP has said here, I would envisage her ticking 3 boxes max in the link you've provided, Dd.

Furthermore, one of those she'll tick halfheartedly because, of course, he didn't actually strangle her, he only put his hands around her neck and, as she hasn't ticked anywhere near the 14 boxes required for her to be considered at high risk of dv by the police and other government agencies she'll assure herself that what her h did to her can't possibly be as bad as we're making out.

Thus the thin end of the wedge of divisiveness begins to insert itself into the dynamic of dv as some victims convince themselves that the abuse they have sustained/are sustaining is nowhere near as serious or as frequent as that suffered by others.

It should be noted that many victims of dv are deterred from seeking help and don't get the help they need precisely because they don't warrant more than a handful of ticks on a police/government generated checklist of risk assessment.

Ironically, these victims are often the ones who are most at risk because they refuse to believe they are are living with the equivalent of a time-bomb. In the face of such denial, the insiduous process of treading on eggshells in an attempt to forestall the inevitable becomes their norm and dv is able to cast its pervasive pall over entire families and be handed down through generations.

The only checklist the OP and anyone who has suffered physical assault in a domestic environment should be looking at is the one provided in the Survivor's Handbook here:

AnyFucker Tue 05-Mar-13 00:25:09

In future, I hope posters like JayPI will use their attempts to ameliorate and rationalise their own adventures in the world of domestic abuse away from sensitive threads like this one

I kinda doubt it though

Thank you for that link, DD

Says it all, really

Destinysdaughter Tue 05-Mar-13 00:19:27

I was very alarmed to hear that he had tried to strangle you. To highlight just how serious this is, I am posting a link to the risk checklist now used by all agrenvies to indicate whether someone is facing a high risk of setrious injury/murder by a partner. Strangulation is one of the factors.

AnyFucker Tue 05-Mar-13 00:06:54

what also everyone needs reminding of on this thread is that DV perpetrator courses have notoriously poor outcomes

and every provider of them is quite clear that the recipient of one has to first admit the problem, or else it is simply a convoluted exercise in further justification of the abuser's actions

AnyFucker Tue 05-Mar-13 00:03:11

cjel...JayPI said that it's a good thing he went for strangulation first, before a slap, a punch or a stab

you seriously can still read some good in what he said ?

izzyizin Mon 04-Mar-13 23:30:40

To my growing dismay, I have read JayPI's post several times and see nothing that serves to do anything other than trivialise dv cjel.

If it was JayPI's intention to aid the OP, he would have been best advised to start his own thread about his experience(s) and initiate a separate debate rather than interject at a point where the OP is clearly looking for reasons to minimise, excuse, or otherwise justify her h's violent behaviour and provide her with a piece of flotsam to cling to.

IMO JayPI's contribution to this thread has obfuscated the extremely serious issue of dv and has failed to serve the OP well.

TisILeclerc Mon 04-Mar-13 22:59:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TisILeclerc Mon 04-Mar-13 22:58:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cjel Mon 04-Mar-13 22:55:53

JAYPI is only fostering a notion that DH has to recognise what hes done and get help. He clearly said it should be a one off wake up call, never did he say that hope alone is enough. Read his whole post again

izzyizin Mon 04-Mar-13 22:51:16

Those who can and do alter/modify their unacceptable behaviour are those that a) recognise they alone own the problem and b) proactively set about changing their ways.

As you've said, building, we don't know yet whether the Op's DH is one of those who can and, more importantly, neither does she hence the sound advice for him to live elsewhere and participate in a dv perps course until she can be confident he will not physically attack or assault her again.

The OP has effectively said she's opted to adopt a policy of '2 strikes and he's out'. However, pre-supposing his second 'strike' doesn't cause her serious injury or worse, I very much doubt she'll keep to her word and will look to posts such as that from JayPI to foster the notion that hope alone can triumph over experience.

FWIW, 'minimising' is easier because it requires considerably less effort on the part of many victims of dv to not cause any disruption to the status quo and because many are so emotionally over-invested in their abusers they come to view the abuse that is meted out to them as evidence of reciprocation.

cjel Mon 04-Mar-13 22:37:43

Any, I didn't read what you did in JayPis post. I picked up that he was saying SOMETIMES it can be a one off and IF the abuser recognises the seriousness and awfulness of what they've done gets all the help they need to make changes to ensure it will never happen again it doesn't always have to descend. He didn't minimize and in fact was quite clearly saying that it was awful and that men can recognise that and work very hard and change.

HeySoulSister Mon 04-Mar-13 22:36:17

Jay can't you see that going in with strangulation as his first choice of attack is more serious and particularly worrying? Can't you see that?

The 2 women a week death stat doesn't come from a slap or a chair being thrown..... Strangulation is a method of murder

JayPI Mon 04-Mar-13 22:30:21

AF - I am not backtracking at all . I am not no apologist for domestic violence and I did not encourage the OP to do anything.

buildingmycorestrength Mon 04-Mar-13 22:25:20

I also think if my DH had been more firm in not accepting certain behaviour things would have changed more quickly. I'm not AT ALL saying my behaviour was his fault. Just saying my bubble of 'I can do this' would have been truly popped.

buildingmycorestrength Mon 04-Mar-13 22:23:16

Thanks for that, AF. I agree that it is better to go for option 2.

AnyFucker Mon 04-Mar-13 22:10:54

Don't backtrack now, JayPI

You are encouraging Op in her unfortunate decision to convince herself her husband will never do anything violent to her again. Your post contains several apologies for domestic violence.

I couldn't sleep at night if I had done that

JayPI Mon 04-Mar-13 22:06:01

AF - I did not say " this is a one off" - I said "one offs can happen" a subtle difference. safety first is a reasonable approach I quite agree.

I basically agree your point 2 as I said similar in my post.

Building - yes thats pretty much my point - thanks.

HeySoulSister Mon 04-Mar-13 21:55:24

Oh and can we not forget there are kids involved

It's not just between the 2 of them

AnyFucker Mon 04-Mar-13 21:34:35

Look at it this way

If this was to go one of 2 directions

1) op listens to the "this is a one off, violent men can change" and he goes ahead to kill her (2 women per week are killed at the hands of men, remember this)

2) op takes the sound advice "better safe than sorry" and separates from her H until he seeks help, stops making her culpable in the violence against her, takes full responsibility and proves he can change whilst safely living apart for a prolonged period of time

Which one would you prefer to have advocated when replying to her pleas for advice ?

buildingmycorestrength Mon 04-Mar-13 21:17:06

And yes, I understand the advice is given on the basis of better safe than sorry. Although I can really understand why it is so hard to take it seriously, because minimising is so much easier.

buildingmycorestrength Mon 04-Mar-13 21:15:03

AF and Izzy - Not defending the Op's husband's actions at all, but isn't Jay saying that in some circumstances people can genuinely change?

We don't know yet whether Op's DH is one of those who can. Do you really think it always plays out the same?

I'm interested because I used to have a terrible temper problem and after years of therapy manage much better now. PTSD led to uncontrollable rages which sometimes meant I'd throw things at/near my husband. I can really imagine being violent to my partner once, realising I'd crossed the line and sorting myself out...because that was nearly me.

I'm perfectly aware that this may not be the normal path of events. But do you think it never happens?

As I said, this is not to defend anyone, but I'm genuinely wondering about the possibility of change. If it is not helpful having this conversation on this thread then I'm happy to have it removed.

Sunnywithshowers Mon 04-Mar-13 21:06:55

JayPI we have no idea whether the OP's husband would escalate or not. So the advice given is on the basis of 'better safe than sorry'.

And what AF said. Sheesh.

AnyFucker Mon 04-Mar-13 20:51:41

it's ok, OP

JayPI says what he did is forgiveable because he didn't stab you, and he managed to pull himself up short just before he cut off the oxygen to your brain thus killing you

thank heavens for that !

JayPI Mon 04-Mar-13 20:36:44

My post was intended to say and to show with examples that domestic violence incidents such as this can be a one off and relationships can be repaired afterwards. Its rare, the advice to run like the wind is usually right but I know from my own and my friends experience that a single act does not automatically lead to escalation. It can go the other way and act as a spur to find a healthy and a safe way to diffuse the anger that leads to the violent incidents.

Thank you for listening and please accept I by no means mean to act as an apologist for thsi man nor to lessen either the act or its consequences

JayPI Mon 04-Mar-13 20:29:20

izzyizin - did yo actually read my post? I was scared by what I had done and took steps to ensure I never did it again. My friend does not wear his as a badge of honour - he is rightly ashamed of it - truely deeply ashamed.

Violence can only be justified in self defence ( or of your loved ones) is certainly true and I did never attempt to justify it at all. Please just read what I posted.

I am sorry I put that bit in as it clearly has detracted from what I intended to say which is "in some circumstances a violent act such as this can be a one off"

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