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I took my weddings rings off

(88 Posts)
M0naLisa Sun 03-Mar-13 12:55:50

DH and I rowed big style yesterday about money. He's stressed and frustrated he can't find work.
He shouted, I shouted and he pushed me onto the bed hard and then tried to strangle me.

The first time EVER sad
I toon my wedding rings off and packed a suit case.

We have spoken and put things aside he said he was moving out as he can't do that to me again. He's never done that to anyone and he wasnt starting now.

He doesn't work. Has applied for over 150+ jobs in 8 weeks and nothingconfused
Frustration having no money.

I have applied for a job, part time I don't have a car at the moment and would have to rely on buses or walk the 58 mins it would take me.

I have better qualifications than him. So applied for this part time job.

Ds3 is only 13 weeks and I'm fretting about leaving him. I go to baby groups and baby massage and I'd have to quit all that. And that's the only thing that is keeping my PND away, getting out the house with him :-(
Not ready to go back to work yet but I don't think I have any choice. I just wish DH would do more to get a job. Like go into actually agencies and request work. Round here you have to go into agencies daily to get a job. And he's not doing it. If they don't get him a job straight away he dumps that agency angry

I feel at a dead end and I should be enjoying our last baby sad

buildingmycorestrength Sun 03-Mar-13 13:37:53

Sweetheart, what a horrible situation. shock I really feel for you.

I don't know what to suggest sad

A three month old being left does seem so young to us but they do it all the time in America where mat leave is only 6 wks.

Can your husband see a GP? He is obviously not managing his stress at all. If he is able to see how far over the line he is, he might accept that he needs help.

Lots of very wise people here.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 03-Mar-13 14:04:45

I'm appalled that he tried to strangle you and you say you've 'put things aside' . Plenty of people are unemployed and they don't assault their partners. I think you should ask him to leave the family and then take it from there. You're not safe while he's under the same roof.

Sunnywithshowers Sun 03-Mar-13 14:07:14

I'm sorry, what a horrible situation.

My DH was unemployed for four years, and not once (despite many rows) did he try and strangle me. It is assault and he could have killed you. Have you called the police?

Dryjuice25 Sun 03-Mar-13 14:52:54

He has never done it before? Ok.

But next time he might kill you. A man who puts his hands on a woman's neck intends to kill. You ARE in danger. Next time you might not be so lucky to escape. Strangulation takes a few minutes. You should let him go. There is no excuse I'm afraid. Don't minimise it.

Good luck with the job situation.

TisILeclerc Sun 03-Mar-13 15:11:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buildingmycorestrength Sun 03-Mar-13 15:26:19

Just to note that the OP said that he is moving out, which is good.

M0naLisa Sun 03-Mar-13 17:40:36

Dh isn't moving out be was going to. He's no where to go though so don't know where he'd go.
We talked things through and he's apologised and said it would never happen again. He's never done that before. He knows he was in the wrong

I'm still upset at it which is normal I guess. I'm ok though. He didnt put pressure in my throat I think he did it just to scare me which worked. hmm

After talking things through he isn't moving out and we are working on things. Although he does know if he EVER does anything if the sort again he is out he knows that.

TisILeclerc Sun 03-Mar-13 17:46:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MandMand Sun 03-Mar-13 17:48:17

Please, please, please don't just "put this aside". He tried to strangle you. You need to call the ploice, not "work on things". This is serious. How can you say that he knows that he can never do something like that again? At the moment, all he knows is that he can do it and get away with it.

Dryjuice25 Sun 03-Mar-13 17:52:43

"...I think he did it just to scare me which worked"

Yes. You MUST be shit scared of someone who shows you they have the potential /power/ability/ to take your life, like some form of a God. Your life being the most important thing to you. You 're right to be scared. I would be mortified too.

Most killers have a starting point to, and then they escalate. And they always say they will never do it again. But if you stay with him, you're giving him permission to hurt/kill you etc. I'm terrified for you. I'm not being hysterical but I know someone who was strangled and this had happened a few times "to scare her" and in the end he squizzed just a little longer and she is not with us any longer

Doha Sun 03-Mar-13 17:57:33

And if the police were called he would have been charged with assault ?attempted murder. Wish you had called them he would be locked up now and you would be safe.
He doesn't know why he did it? he hasn't done it before but that does not mean it wont happen again.
You are not safe-you cannot rationalize this by talking it through. You have to be proactive to keeo you and your D's safe.
Your DH is a loose cannon and can go off at any time

Dryjuice25 Sun 03-Mar-13 17:59:29

Not saying he is a killer by the way but just to make you aware that strangling you could be to scare you but that's is very dangerous way of scaring someone, never mind just making you scared.

Does he think living with you when you're shit scared of him makes for a happy marriage? confused. Does he have to control your breathing to make himself heard? Why is he trying to scare you? He tried to scare you but inadvertently showed himself up as a dangerous thug!

M0naLisa Sun 03-Mar-13 18:12:41

No he didnt put pressure on he just put his hands round my throat. I'm not excusing what he did. He is stressed and depressed about not having a job. That's why I have applied for a part time job, I don't want to go work yet with ds3 been so young but If that's what it takes to get money coming back in then so be it.
I won't be happy about it. Last time worked full time my PND came back and I missed out on DS2 baby days and I resented him. I couldn't bare to be around him. I don't want that for ds3.

He won't do it again he knows if it Evers happens again he is gone. But he won't do it

Naysa Sun 03-Mar-13 18:12:54

I would like to add that I'm unemployed and I would NEVER put my hands on my partner.

He lets me rant and rave at him and lets me cry on his shoulder but I know if I layed a hand on him, he'd get rid of me. The same for him.

Everybody gets stressed and unfortunately people get snippy. But stress is no excuse for assaulting your parter.

He wouldn't do it to his mother, he wouldn't do it to a stranger in the street. He has done it to you because he feels he is allowed to use you as a punching bag.

Don't let him treat you like this. For your sake and for the sake of your child.

If I was you OP I would call the police.

Nagoo Sun 03-Mar-13 18:32:57

what is he doing about work? Have the conversation. Have your hand on the phone and be ready to call the police the second he starts to scare you. If he can't talk about what he's doing to sort it then you can't move forward.

Doha Sun 03-Mar-13 18:37:04

He won't do it again he knows if it Evers happens again he is gone. But he won't do it

Hmmm if it ever happens again who is to say that it is not YOU that is gone. You didn't think he would do it this time so how can you be so certain he won't do it again.
Next time he will probably kill you !!

M0naLisa Sun 03-Mar-13 19:23:26

He's applying for jobs daily. Just getting nothin back.

He won't do it again. He knows that and so do I.

For what the argument was about I'm not throwing away 8 years and 7years of marriage because of something stupid which is what the argument was about

izzyizin Sun 03-Mar-13 19:27:24

No-one is suggesting you 'throw away' anything.

What is being suggested is you recognise that now he's laid hands on you without censure, the chances are he'll do it again when you argue about 'something stupid'.

Lavenderhoney Sun 03-Mar-13 19:54:23

How awful for you and your dc.

No one " just puts their hands round your neck" No matter how stressed they are. They mean it. The thought and will is there. It's dormant now, but what if he has a few drinks next time first?

Who will be looking after your baby if you work? Will he cope with a baby of 13 weeks?

It's great you are willing to go back to work, but as you say, he isn't actively going to agencies and getting out there. Is this a subject for discussion? Or do you think it's best not to antagonise him and just go?

If he won't leave can you go? Make sure he is out though, when you leave. And he doesn't suspect. Frankly I would be terrified but gone.

M0naLisa Sun 03-Mar-13 20:54:26

I'm not leaving and neither is he.

He's looking for work daily.

He doesn't drink.

M0naLisa Sun 03-Mar-13 20:56:10

Like I said he's never done it before.

Yes he scared me and yes I hurt my neck when he pushed me on the bed with force but he didnt hurt when he put his hands round my neck.

I haven't mentioned it he did yesterday but I haven't.

Murphy0510 Sun 03-Mar-13 21:26:51

I think you've got to get away from him.

Normal, rational, caring husbands do not try to strangle their wives. He may have done it to scare you but who knows what he will do next time. He is bound to tell you it 'won't happen again' because he wants you to forgive him and for things to be normal...until next time.

Big hugs to you. Please kick him out.

AnyFucker Sun 03-Mar-13 21:41:14

Mona, you are in the denial stage

It has a variable lifespan, this stage

The best thing you could do would be to report this assault upon you to the police. I know you won't, though. Not this time

But the chances are that if you sweep this episode of domestic violence under the carpet, it will happen again

and the support you will need in RL will be boosted by the evidence of previous episodes, not by you hiding the fact your husband is a domestic violence perpetrator

you don't want to hear this now, but the words on this thread will come to the forefront of your mind, when it dawns on you that you have modified your behaviour to appease your husband, and the threat he represents to you

a major line has been crossed here, and he will do this again

maybe not this week, month, or even this year

but he will

TisILeclerc Sun 03-Mar-13 21:42:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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