My mum is replacing me

[LilyPollen]

Strange post I know but this is what it feels like. Regular but have name changed.

I live a few towns away from my parents, drive takes an hour. When I was pregnant with DS they came to visit a lot but since his birth they have only visited a handful of times. They do go on holiday a lot (maybe 3 -4 times a year) but they always want me to visit them instead of other way round, which means big disruption taking loads of stuff away. I have been to stay with them twice since DS was born for a few nights at a time they have only been here 4 times twice for the day twice to stay over. They are retired.

Also my brother's girlfriend has moved in with him and they live in the same town as my parents. My mum is always going on about going out with his GF or GF calling down for dinner when brother is at work. His GF has almost the same name as me but slightly different but my mum and dad now keep calling me her name!

I don't know why I am posting this other than it is annoying me that they go on about seeing DS but never bother visiting but they are always saying Oh when will we get to see DS like I am keeping them away! And my mum seems to want to spend time with brothers GF instead of me and her grandson. His GF is very nice I don't have anything against her she is a nice girl just my mum seems to be adopting her and not spending time with us!

[Gill1976]

I would imagine that it is a simple case of her being so close by and your mum being lonely and spending time with someone she likes who is nearby.

Although I can appreciate your feelings of jealousy, I don't think there is anything deeper to it. You live an hour away and she is just around the corner.

Perhaps you can be a bit more proactive in seeing your mum - drive up with your DS to see her, or invite her down to you. Maybe when she asks when she'll see you its her way of suggesting you do the travelling instead of her?

[LilyPollen]

Hi Gill thanks I think you are right I do suggest that she comes here more but to take DS to them I have to pack all his cot and stuff up and also my husband misses us. I think it is bad luck that GF has nearly my name too because I get cross when they call me her name, grrrrr! Maybe that is why it feels like she is replacing me!

[WafflyVersatile]

I thought you meant you were being replaced by your mum!

How long since your DC was born?

You say they go on holiday a lot. Does that involve driving? Maybe they don't feel as happy driving as they used to? My dad has become increasingly unhappy to drive longer distances or unfamiliar routes in the last 10 years or so. Though he is 79. I think getting deafer and not wearing a hearing aid contributes to this.

I'm sure it mostly has to do with convenience. You can't pop round. If it was an unrelated friend would you feel the same?

[Jinsei]

So you have visited them twice, and they have visited you four times, but you feel that they should be making more of an effort? Seems a bit unfair to me, though you don't say how old your DS is.

Surely you don't have to pack up loads of stuff if you just visit for a day? And then DH won't miss you either. An hour isn't a long drive, you could easily do it there and back in a day. Perhaps your mum thinks you're not that keen to meet up, so she's seeking other company instead?

[LilyPollen]

On holiday they don't have to drive. They are not old they retired early so they are healthy and can drive. Yes maybe you are right and I should go for the day. DS is still a baby and I don't like driving far when he is in the back seat but now that he is getting bigger it is easier and also I just got one of those mirrors for driving so you can see the baby. Then I won't have to pack the cot away too if I go for the day!

[purrpurr]

Isn't there a way they could perhaps have things there, so you don't have to pack up an arsenal of kid-related equipment just to visit? I'm pre-children so you'll have to excuse my ignorance if this is impossible, but what about them having a travel cot? Surely even that would help? It might be better if you make more of an effort to visit, but at the same time I think it would be great if they could try to help you. Two way street and all that.

Also, I totally get why you'd be about your own parents getting your name wrong! As long as you can see it's nothing to get upset about and just a slip of the tongue.

[LoopDeLoops]

How old is the baby? How far away are they?

All sounds quite normal to me.

[7to25]

I am a granny and have the full complement of baby stuff. They can look for second hand or Asda has good bargains.
I always have nap pies and wipes under the stairs and bibs/bottles/spoons in the drawer.
It is part of the fun. The cot is always made up for naps.

[springyhops]

My daughter thought I was replacing her when I got in lodgers when she moved out. I was so surprised she felt like this as she couldn't have made it more clear that she couldn't wait to move out/get me out of her life!

Whatever the situation, it sounds like your parents are being a bit tactless. I could suggest that you have a word with them along the lines of 'I' messages eg 'I'm feeling a bit left out here', 'I might be being silly but I'm feeling Laly has taken my place' but they sound a bit insensitive and might not 'hear' it the way you intend?

saying that, I'd consider myself pretty sensitive and I got it wrong - albeit unwittingly. It does seem a bit odd that you have to do all the schlepping when you have a new baby - you'd think it would be the other way around.

I'm inclined to believe you that your parents are being a bit emotionally lazy. Sorry OP. Welcome to the crap parents brigade.

[springyhops]

btw do they get on with your husband? My mum enjoys coming to my house because I'm single and she feels more relaxed. She has stated that she doesn't feel as relaxed in the others' houses because there's a husband around. She does visit them but doesn't feel she can kick off her shoes type of thing.

[missmapp]

My inlaws are like this, always complaining they dont see the dcs, but never coming up. We now ask them up for certain times , instead of waiting for them to offer to come, and this seems to work- we try to go to them , then thye come to us etc. I know it seems as if thosegps who are retired have more time to come to us, but I think, the trip can often seem more onerus to some, I know thats how my inlaws feel anyway.

[Ginebra]

a lot of older people can't seem to spend a night out of their own bed.... not talking about my own parents here but seems to be a common thing. older people will drive miles in the dark late (ish) at night or leave early after several hours of not accepting a drink and not relaxing because they are thinking about 'the drive home'.

[lougle]

It's an hour's drive....you could easily visit for a day. 1 hour there, 3 hours visiting, 1 hour back. Leave at 9am and you'd be back for 2pm